


The Right Kind of Wrong

by FuryRed



Category: X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies), X-Men (Movieverse), X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - Still Have Powers, Angst, Charles Always Says the Absolute Worst Thing He Could Possibly Say, Charles Xavier has a Ph.D in Adorable, Charles You Will Be Drunk, Erik Has Feelings, Erik Logic Is The Best Logic, Forbidden Love, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Protective Erik, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-09
Updated: 2018-07-06
Packaged: 2019-03-29 03:29:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 117,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13918440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FuryRed/pseuds/FuryRed
Summary: When Erik accepts a job working as a mechanic for the Xavier family he thinks it will be the solution to all his problems; a way for him to get inside the Xavier mansion without raising suspicion, so he can find out more about the labs rumoured to be hidden in the basement- a location where numerous mutant experiments are said to have taken place.The mission is only supposed to take a few weeks, but then Erik meets Charles- the nineteen-year-old heir to the Xavier family fortune, who is back from Oxford University for the summer. Rather suddenly all of Erik’s carefully made plans fall spectacularly to pieces as the two of them embark on a love affair that has the potential to alter both of their futures, and their lives, forever…





	1. Chapter 1

**Part One: The Summer of 1962**

 

 

Infatuation is not an emotion Erik is accustomed to experiencing.

In truth, flights of fancy and idealistic romance have never been very high on Erik’s list of priorities, not when weighted against his obligations to track down Shaw along with every other Nazi scumbag who either enabled him or did his bidding. There was a time, back when Erik’s parents were still alive, when he experienced the giddy flush of first romance, as juvenile and light-hearted such a thing can be when you’re merely eleven years old, but that was so long ago and Erik can no longer comprehend that kind of feeling, or accept it as having any part of his present or future.

Even after Shaw has been dispatched there is still no place in Erik’s life for flirtation, affection, or any kind of titillation, save for the odd night spend with some anonymous stranger after meeting at one bar or another. The end of Shaw does not represent the end of Erik’s suffering, even if Erik hoped that it might, and he instead refocuses on another kind of mission- a continual commitment to protecting his mutant brothers and sisters that leads to him forming his own coalition; the Brotherhood of Mutants. Together they work to establish their dominance, operating under a shroud of secrecy as they form defences against the inevitable human forces that will one day rise up to oppose them. It’s that same mission that one day brings Erik to Westchester, to the Xavier family mansion, and to Charles…

 

It was supposed to be a relatively simple task. At one point Xavier Biotech represented the forefront in mutant research, headed up by the company’s founder and owner- Brian Xavier. However, ever since Brian’s death the research and documentation compiled by the organisation has been seemingly lost, locked up somewhere in the vast Xavier mansion, away from prying eyes. For a long time Erik presumed that no one would ever know exactly what it is that went on in the labs rumoured to exist beneath the grounds of the vast building, but recently information has begun to leak out- information that Erik fears will cause untold damage if it falls into the wrong hands- and that’s what prompts him to act.

It’s arguably not a cause for the kinds of overt displays of power Erik is accustomed to, more used to running into a building with his mutation honed and ready to apply with deadly precision than he is to taking things slowly, but the situation dictates caution and so Erik soon finds himself trying to come up with an alternative way to infiltrate the mansion. As it happens, the solution all but falls into his lap.

Erik is loitering outside the gates of the mansion one day, a backpack of clothing thrown over his shoulder as he makes the brief stop on his way to the hotel he is staying at for the night, when beside him a car pulls up. Thanks to his mutation Erik senses the presence of the vehicle even before its arrival, and so he quickly steps aside and pulls down the front of the cap he is wearing, planning to let the car pass by before he continues his surveillance, when to his surprise the back window rolls down and a voice speaks to him.

“You’re late”.

Erik turns to regard the sight of a middle-aged blonde woman sitting in the rear of the vehicle, her wealth and nobility divulged by the clipped tone of her accent as well as the expensive-looking sunglasses she is wearing. Her expression is reproachful bordering on unkind, and Erik briefly tries to rack his mind for a reason why she would be choosing to address him at that particular moment.

“I’m sorry?” Erik replies.

The woman huffs out an unimpressed sound. “Yes, well, sorry or not that’s no excuse for being late… We were expecting you in the garage over half an hour ago- any good mechanic should know to be present _before_ I return from my morning excursions. The car will need filling up and servicing, not to mention the fact that you should have already checked over the other vehicles by now. Honestly, when my staff hired you I’d hoped they’d picked someone with at least some modicum of sense. Please don’t leave me feeling disappointed, Mr--?”

“Lehnsherr…” Erik growls out, responding to the question before he can even think better of it, suitably aggravated by the woman’s callous tone.

“Lehnsherr, right. Well, I suggest you hurry up and get yourself over to the garage before I change my mind about hiring you”, the woman says, giving Erik a final disapproving look before quickly rolling the window up once more, evidently having assumed that the conversation is concluded to her satisfaction.

Meanwhile, Erik seethes. He is not used to being spoken to with such disrespect, or at least not allowing anyone to escape unreprimanded should they attempt such a thing, and he is just considering using his powers to send the vehicle careering off the road and into a nearby copse of trees when suddenly he reconsiders. Erik’s fingers are twitching with the impulse to act, but if it does so it seems like he could very well be passing up a rare opportunity. The Brotherhood have been looking for a way to gain access to the Xavier mansion for some time and now, with this person who is presumably Sharon Xavier apparently mistaking Erik for a new employee, it seems like they may have finally found the answer they’ve been searching for.

Later that night, Erik lets himself into the modest apartment that is to become his home for the foreseeable future. The dwelling is located just above the garage and provides Erik with an ample kitchen and living area, a sizeable bedroom, and an adjacent bathroom. In his formative years Erik has become accustomed to spending his nights in one hotel room or another, all of them somewhat lavish in their facilities thanks to the moderate amount of wealth Erik has complied through various unscrupulous means, but none of them representing anything other than somewhere for him to lay his head at night. Erik doesn’t know how long he will be staying at the Xavier mansion, or how long it will take for him to achieve his goals, but he has to admit that there is a certain part of himself that is looking forward to having some place to call his own, even if only for a short while.

 

During the week that follows Erik keeps his head down for the most part, keen to assimilate himself into his surroundings and not to make his intentions clear. The vocation that Erik has inadvertently stumbled upon happens to be one that suits him immensely well, as thanks to his mutation he is able to tend to any of the mechanical failures that come his way with ease, however always making sure to do so subtly, lest his mutation be discovered.

There are numerous other staff members who frequent the Xavier mansion, from gardeners to cooks to cleaners, but thanks to Erik’s self-sustained accommodation he finds that he never needs to spend much time with them. Erik’s fridge is well-stocked and he has more than enough books to entertain him along with a small television, but though the comforts provided by Erik’s small apartment may be pleasant they are hardly consequential, because after all Erik has a mission in mind, and it cannot be achieved by spending his days cooking and reading novels. Still, to begin with it cannot hurt for Erik to keep a low profile, and if he declines his ‘co-workers’ offers of meeting up for a drink he tells himself it’s because it’s not yet time to ingratiate himself with them, and not because he is uncomfortable and unrehearsed when it comes to carefree socialising.

The one small mercy of Erik’s decision to keep himself at a distance is that he does not speak to Sharon Xavier again. He sees her, once or twice, always seeming as if she is heading somewhere terribly important with little regard for the people she passes along the way, and though there is part of Erik that wonders what such an unpleasant woman has done in life to be rewarded with such an array of riches, for now he contents himself with the knowledge that he will be free of her before long. It’s at least reassuring to know that there are not many more Xaviers that Erik will be forced to encounter. Brian Xavier died several years ago, and from what Erik understands there are only two other family members in existence- a daughter still in school, and a son who is currently away at Oxford University. Erik doesn’t think he will have any reason to meet either of them, but ultimately he is wrong…

 

After approximately a week of living and working at the Xavier mansion, Erik is granted a rare evening off. At least, that is the intention of it, but as the other employees who live on the grounds head off for the night, most likely grateful for the opportunity to escape the mansion, Erik remains where he is- ready to put his plan into action.

It’s Erik’s understanding that the unprecedented reprieve has come on account of Sharon Xavier taking a short trip away, meaning that the staff numbers are reduced to only the most essential employees for the next two days. Erik recognises that there will likely be very few people actually inside the mansion for once, meaning that he is provided with the perfect opportunity to scope out the insides of the lavish house, and to hopefully gather information to benefit him later.

All Erik hopes to achieve on his initial venture is to ideally confirm the existence of the labs that are supposedly located beneath the mansion, so that he can begin to gather information that will eventually enable the Brotherhood to infiltrate the facility. Once they have the relevant facts all it will take is one phone call from Erik to set things in motion, a task made easier by the fact that there is an independent phoneline within Erik’s apartment. On the first night Erik moved in he made sure to get word to the rest of the Brotherhood, to let them know what he was up to, but since then he has been careful to keep contact to a minimum, not wanting to take any undue risk. It’s for that reason why Erik tells no one of his plans as he leaves his accommodation that evening, in truth hoping to not speak to anyone at all for the entirety of time during which he’s outside.

It only takes a minute for Erik to lock the door of his apartment behind himself, but in that time he quickly realises that something is wrong… Echoing ominously up the stairwell is a low roaring sound, one that Erik recognises instinctively as the sound of a car engine starting up, even before his mutation stretches out to feel gears and pistons turning and his assumption is confirmed. It doesn’t make sense though. Sharon Xavier left earlier that morning, closely followed by the majority of the employees, so there should be no one left on site- no one but Erik. And yet, somehow, there’s clearly someone downstairs in the garage, and though Erik lingers for a moment, contemplating whether it would be better just to go back inside and give up on his plan for the day, in the end curiosity prevails and he begins to venture downstairs.

When Erik steps into the garage the rumble of the car’s engine intensifies. It sounds like someone is having great difficulty in handling the car, leading Erik to believe that perhaps the person driving is not very well-rehearsed at doing so, and the realisation sparks off a certain splinter of alarm that shoots through Erik’s senses. To the outside observer it would seem like there is no one on site at all, and what better environment for an opportunistic thief? If the car is being started by someone who has no experience at doing so then perhaps it is not something they should be doing at all, and if Erik is right- if the perpetrator is someone with ill intentions in mind- then the Xavier mansion is the last place Erik should be.

Erik cannot afford to have any run-ins with the police, not when that might lead the authorities to examine Erik’s background too closely, and as such he knows he needs to do one of two things. Either he needs to leave now and abandon all attempts at accessing the Xavier labs, or he needs to stop the thief in their tracks- by deadly means, if necessary.

Without any further consideration Erik steps further into the garage, sidestepping static motorcycles and tool chests full of instruments as he approaches the car idling at the far end of the room. The inexperience of the driver is disclosed in the way the car is still not moving, doing little more than emitting some hideous groaning sounds as pedals are pressed in apparent unpredictability, leading Erik to wince in response to the unpleasant sensation of gears grinding jarringly together. Erik wants to stop the presumed thief for little reason other than to relieve the headache quickly forming between his temples, but before he can even attempt to act a series of catastrophic events unfold very quickly.

As Erik steps into the path of the car the driver inside finally seems to get the vehicle working, but not in quite the correct way… Instead of racing forward through the open garage door the car instead careers backwards, smashing into the wall behind with a loud bang that seems cacophonous in the enclosed space. Erik flinches instinctively at the impact, realising quickly that this apparent intruder isn’t going to prove too contentious of an adversary after all, particularly given the way things seem to continue to go disastrously wrong…

It appears that the thief has mostly disabled themselves, given the way they are slumped over the steering wheel, and Erik is just considering the next best step to take when events quickly spiral out of his control. Above the area where the car is now idling there are a series of metal poles, suspended from the ceiling as a means of storage, and as Erik watches mutely they start to slip loose, their trajectory suggesting only one possible outcome. In a matter of seconds one or several of the metal poles will drop down through the front windshield of the car, skewering the occupant inside and surely ending their life, should they not be dead already. Erik could easily allow it to happen, and in some ways he feels like he should, but there, under the surface of Erik’s seeming indifference, is a lingering need to help and protect, leftover from the days when Erik was a child and his mother would always instruct him to look after anyone smaller than himself.

As the first metal rod begins to fall Erik raises his hand, as if the alternative was never even a possibility in the first place. One by one the poles crash down, heading straight for the car and the unsuspecting occupant inside, but Erik stops every one of them, using his powers to keep each metal beam suspended in the air, preventing further damage. Once the cascading metal has ceased Erik moves the mass with effortless precision, depositing the poles in an unoccupied space on the floor, before looking back up to the car, and immediately freezing.

The person inside the car is not slumped unconscious over the steering wheel, like they were when Erik looked moments earlier, they are instead sat bolt upright in the driver’s seat, gaping at Erik in complete shock and disbelief. For a moment Erik can only stand there, staring at a youthful face that encompasses wide blue eyes, parted red lips, and a mop of chestnut brown hair that appears to have small fragments of glass within it, and though Erik wishes he knew what the hell to do next he finds his reactions have become slow and sluggish.

Stopping the thief was one thing, but Erik never imagined that his actions would result in him revealing his mutation to a complete stranger. Since Erik arrived at the Xavier mansion he has taken great care to ensure that, for all intents and purposes, he appears completely and utterly human. Now though his secret has been discovered, and that means Erik is most likely going to have to use murderous measures to deal with this new threat after all.

At least that is Erik’s intention, but as he approaches the crumpled car, using his powers to turn off the car’s rattling engine, he finds that instead of the usual tempered rage he harnesses when he’s about to use his mutation to deadly effect, there is a strange spell of serenity settling over his senses, making him stop still.

_“My friend, you don’t need to do this…”_

The words filter into Erik’s senses, as clear as if they’d been whispered intimately in his ear, and Erik’s eyelids flutter as his outstretched hand lowers slowly to his side. For some strange reason Erik feels a sense of… peace… of tranquillity. Suddenly, dispatching the intruder in the car seems like the furthest thing from Erik’s thoughts, and instead the protective nature he usually buries deep down within himself surges to the forefront, leaving him with only one clear plan of action in mind as he watches the thief loll back in the seat, eyelids sliding shut and body going limp.

 

It’s not how Erik expected to be spending his day, but less than ten minutes later he is upstairs in his apartment once more, tending to the unconscious stranger who is sprawled across his sofa. The boy appears to be quite young, certainly no older than twenty, and he’s definitely not the kind of person Erik would have expected to be stealing cars for a living. The stranger’s clothes are smart and expensive-looking, and though Erik can’t imagine many teenagers choosing to wear woollen knitted cardigans, he supposes that it’s a look the boy pulls off quite well.

Not that Erik is evaluating the stranger’s appearance, of course… No, he is focused resolutely on tending to the large cut on the boy’s head, cleaning it with a large piece of antiseptic soaked material, though he can barely remember why he is doing such a thing. It’s strange, really. Erik was initially so focused on protecting his secret, unfazed by whatever nefarious methods that may mean, but now all he can think about is taking care of the boy’s injuries. It’s not like Erik to be so caring, and he can’t remember exhibiting such behaviour since perhaps before his parents died, when the part of himself that was good and kind and pure still remained.

Erik is contemplating this most unexpected turn of events when suddenly the boy’s eyes snap open, and Erik freezes where he is still holding the wad of material to his temple. Never before has Erik seen eyes so large, so cerulean, so full of feeling, and for a moment Erik can only stare- like the blue of his irises is the ocean, and Erik is drowning.

“Um, hi…” the stranger says quietly, his voice slightly hoarse from disuse.

In return, Erik fixes him with his most steely gaze as he slowly withdraws his hand.

“Give me one good reason why I don’t call the police right now and have you arrested for grand theft auto”, Erik says both calmly and menacingly.

The boy blinks, confusion alighting his expression.

“Um, well, perhaps firstly because I’ve proved myself to be woefully ineffectual when it comes to driving cars, and secondly because, well, it’s not really stealing if they’re your own vehicles…”

“What?” Erik frowns.

With that the boy shifts on the sofa, lifting one of his arms to offer his extended hand to Erik.

“Charles Xavier”, he says. “It’s a pleasure to meet you”.

Well, _fuck_ …

For a moment Erik can only stare, confusion clouding his expression as he stares hard at the boy- _Charles_ \- and contemplates how bad his luck really must be to have ended up in such a ridiculous situation. There’s arguably numerous people that Erik wished to keep his mutation a secret from- other staff members and certainly his employer- but he’d never imagined that, of all the people for him to have shown his powers to, it would end up being Sharon Xavier’s only son.

“You’re… Charles?” Erik asks eventually.

Charles nods. “I am indeed. I suspect considering you’ve heard of me that my reputation must have preceded me on this occasion? It’s a pity… I never think too highly of what people say about me behind my back”.

“I don’t know anything. Only that you’re at Oxford University, or that you’re supposed to be…”

“Ah, yes. Well. Summer holidays and all that. I’m back for the next few months, unfortunately… I just got in this morning”.

Erik frowns, leaning back in his chair as he regards Charles appraisingly. “If you really are Charles Xavier, and you really did arrive this morning, then why would your mother have gone away just this evening? Surely she’d have scheduled her trip differently so that she could spend time with you?”

Immediately Charles begins to laugh, though it’s a distinctly bitter sound- one at complete contrast with the seemingly sweet demeanour Charles appears to give out.

“You really haven’t been here for very long, have you?” Charles says quietly. “Spending time with me isn’t exactly one of my mother’s main priorities… In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if she made sure she was away on purpose. No, I’m anticipating a long, lonely summer where I’ll just have to find my own ways to entertain myself”.

“And I suppose that involves almost getting yourself killed by crashing cars in garages… What the hell were you thinking anyway? Do you actually have a license? Are you even old enough to drive?”

In an instant Charles looks abashed, his face flushing pink with colour, and somehow it makes him appear more innocent and perhaps more endearing than before, though Erik still tries very hard to pretend that he’s still annoyed.

“I’m nineteen…” Charles replies, the rush of colour to his face turning even the tips of his ears pink. “And I’ll have you know you don’t need a license to drive on private property. The previous mechanic used to let me borrow cars all the time”.

“Well, the previous mechanic was clearly a _verdammt_ idiot…” Erik mutters. As soon as the words are out, Erik realises his mistake.

“You’re German!” Charles exclaims, seeming endlessly fascinated to have heard just that one word. “I’ve been trying to place your accent- it’s lovely by the way- but I couldn’t quite figure it out. That explains it. Whereabouts are you from? Bavaria? Or perhaps somewhere near the coast? How long have you been in America? What brings you to Westchester in particular?”

Charles gazes at Erik, his eyes wide and curious, and in turn Erik feels himself tense, muscles tautening as he remembers the very precarious situation he’s now in. Charles is clearly a very curious person and it was likely only a matter of time before he started asking questions, and Erik can’t help but mentally curse himself for not immediately shoving Charles outside as soon as he found out who he was. But even if Erik had done that, would there have even been much point? Charles saw Erik uses his powers, and though he hasn’t mentioned them so far it’s likely only going to be a matter of time before the subject comes up, and who knows what damage Charles could cause if he decided to tell anyone.

The air in the room seems charged with electricity as Erik mentally runs his powers over all the metal in the near vicinity, as he always does when he’s preparing himself for a fight, whether he wants one or not. There are a hundred different weapons Erik could seize or mould should he need to act quickly and harshly, but is that even possible now? Eliminating Charles seemed like an easy option when he was just an anonymous car thief, but Erik knows that’s not the case anymore- he knows that making the heir to a multi-million dollar fortune just disappear won’t be easy, and more than that it may be something he doesn’t really want.

Whilst Erik continues to stare mutely Charles starts to move, sitting up on the sofa so that his feet are flat on the floor, and pulling nervously at the sleeves of his cardigan as he looks up at Erik.

“Oh, I’m sorry… My mother always says I had a tendency to ask too many questions. I didn’t mean to pry”, Charles says, smiling apologetically. “It’s just… I don’t really have anyone to talk to around here, except for my sister Raven when she’s not at school, so I tend to get a bit overexcited when I meet someone who seems like they might be interesting”.

“You think I’m interesting?” Erik asks, not entirely sure why he cares about the answer.

Charles smiles, and Erik is sure he has never seen anything more luminous or more bright.

“Well, yes. It’s quite boring living here, you know- probably the most interesting thing that ever happens is when one of the maids over-starches the table linen, and the most fun I ever have is when my mother throws one of her interminably boring parties and my sister and I spend the evening seeing how many guests we can fluster by flirting uproariously with them”.

Charles looks down, his lashes dark against the freckled skin of his cheeks as he smiles, almost slyly, and continues: “Naturally the arrival of some gorgeous German stranger with an incredible mutation is bound to prompt only the highest levels of intrigue…”

Instantly Erik tenses further, fingers twitching and causing an almost imperceptible frisson of electromagnetic energy to run through the air, but evidently the threat is not lost on Charles.

“My friend, you don’t need to worry…” Charles says softly. He reaches to gently grasp Erik’s hand but Erik only pulls away, unable to invite even so much as the most casual of touches, and though Charles is clearly a quick learner and no further contact is forthcoming Erik still finds himself reeling, because there’s something so familiar in hearing Charles speak just now.

Erik remembers being in the garage downstairs, when he’d made a move to eliminate Charles but had found himself hampered; disabled and disarmed by little more than a calming feeling and a soothing voice. That voice had sounded familiar- similar to the clipped English accent of Sharon Xavier only warmer, kinder, and now- as Erik sits there with Charles’ words repeating in his head, he finally realises what the similarity is borne from, and knows it was Charles’ voice he heard telling him to stop. The only question is, _how_?

When the answer comes, it’s as the result of an accidental disclosure on Charles’ part. Erik hasn’t moved for some time, hasn’t done anything more than stare questioningly at Charles, and evidently Charles tires of the silence as he shifts slightly closer on his seat, his expression controlled but concerned as he sighs and whispers: “Erik…” Instantly Erik’s mind erupts in a riot of panic, because if he’s sure of anything he’s damn sure that he didn’t give Charles his name.

Erik stands up slowly, fists balling at his sides as he glares down at Charles, suddenly coming to the unsettling realisation that he’s not the only mutant in the room. Normally Erik would be thrilled at the knowledge, but the unique situation he finds himself in has him experiencing somewhat of a conflict of interests- torn between definite curiosity as to the nature and strength of Charles’ mutation, as well as rising concern about how he’s going to deal with him…

But before Erik can even think to act Charles is there, reaching to place his hand gently on Erik’s thigh, and this time Erik doesn’t shake him off, this time Erik couldn’t if he wanted to. It’s like there’s some unknown force possessing Erik, not harming him, not controlling him, but just making him unwilling to lash out. Clearly, it’s Charles.

“Erik, I’ll let you go as soon as you calm your mind…” Charles says, his voice low and measured. “I’m not going to hurt you, and I’m not going to tell anyone about your mutation, so please- sit down so we can talk properly”.

The curious thing is, Charles doesn’t force Erik to obey. It’s clear that he could- just the thrum of power Erik can feel coming from Charles is enough to have his heart pounding within his chest- but Charles doesn’t force obedience, he just… asks. And after a moment, in spite of the fact that the part of Erik that is still feral and wild tells him to run or lash out, instead he starts to sit down, and finds that he is allowed to do so.

“What are you?” Erik asks as he settles back into his seat and Charles removes his hand. “Telekinetic?”

Charles shakes his head. “Telepathic. I can’t move objects like you can, but I can read and control minds”. Instantly Erik stiffens, and Charles’ expression turns contrite as he adds: “Don’t worry- I’m not reading your thoughts… I’m all too aware of the abhorrence directed at psychics and visionaries, and I’m well-rehearsed at maintaining a mental block so that I don’t encroach on other peoples’ thoughts. I simply act when I need to- like when I sensed you wanting to harm me because you thought I was a car thief. I hope that didn’t shake you up too badly, it was just a necessary deed”.

Charles explanation answers some of Erik’s questions, but not all.

“You didn’t just stop me from hurting you though, did you?” Erik replies. “You… planted something inside my head. You made me bring you up here and take care of you”.

For a moment Charles looks so desperately sad, as if he has been accused of something terrible, and he drops his gaze as he answers Erik’s question.

“I didn’t make you do that…” Charles says quietly. “All I did was take away your need to hurt me, the desire to protect me instead was all your own”. He looks back up to meet Erik’s eyes, his expression thoughtful as he adds: “You’re a better man than you know…”

Erik scowls bitterly. “What would you know about it…”

“Hmm, not much, I suppose… My sister always did tell me I was too hopeful; always seeing the best in people. Perhaps instead I should be regarding you more suspiciously, and perhaps asking why the idea of anyone finding out that you’re a mutant has you in such a panic…”

Erik only falters for a second before finding his feet.

“You said it yourself, Charles- not everyone regards mutations in such high esteem. Until now I've had no reason to suspect that your mother, my employer, was unlike any of the other humans I’ve ever met- either ignorant to the existence of mutants, or disapproving of it. It’s beneficial for me to keep my mutation a secret, and I’d very much like to continue doing so”.

The look that Erik gives Charles is decidedly confrontational, either commanding Charles’ compliance or challenging him to counter, but for a while Charles can only offer a long silence in return.

“You’re probably right to be cautious…” Charles says eventually. “Even now that you know I’m a mutant too. My mother has never looked upon mutants with any fondness, even when they’re her own son, so you’d be wise to keep your secret. If it helps you then I’ll keep it too”.

Erik has never had much reason to expect anything good from the people he meets, and so he can’t help but be a little surprised by Charles’ response. It takes him a few minutes to process, to realise that Charles isn’t a threat, to accept that Charles isn’t going to betray him. Deep down Erik knows that he will never really be able to trust Charles, to accept him at face value and believe that he doesn’t have some ulterior motive like everyone else Erik has ever met, but for now the slow easing of Erik’s apprehension is a start.

“Thank you…” Erik says gently, and means it.

Charles smiles. “You’re very welcome. Perhaps you could do me a little favour in return and not tell my mother about the crumpled up Chevvy in the garage…?”

“That seems fair. I’ll do what I can to fix it, and if she asks I’ll just say there was an accident when I was backing it out”.

“Aren’t you worried she’ll fire you for that?”

“Can’t you make sure that doesn’t happen?”

Charles bursts into a wide grin- the same luminous expression Erik saw before. “Okay, deal”, he says, extending his hand. Erik only looks at it for a moment before turning away and standing up from his chair once more.

“I think you should probably go”, Erik says, trying not to notice how disappointed Charles looks at being rebuffed. “It’s getting late and I think you’ve had enough excitement for one night. You could have a concussion, so you need to go to bed and get some rest”.

Even once Charles is gone Erik knows he will no longer harbour any illusions about going through with his plan for the night- making his way into the mansion so that he can search for the labs supposedly hidden beneath the building’s grounds. But regardless Erik needs Charles to leave. He needs Charles to go, because they’ve already had a conversation much longer than Erik has had with anyone in a long time, and Erik cannot afford to form bonds with people that he cannot keep.

“Um, okay… Alright then”, Charles mumbles in response, slowly standing up from the sofa.

There’s a part of Erik that considers maybe going with him, escorting him to his room and finding out some information that way, but for all intents and purposes Erik is still attempting to maintain somewhat of a low profile, and that definitely doesn’t mean being seen socialising with Sharon Xavier’s son.

 

A short while Erik later is standing at the doorway to his apartment with Charles, watching as Charles flashes Erik one final smile before he turns and starts to head down the stairs. It’s definitely not how Erik expected to be spending his evening, and he can’t help seeing the events as somewhat of a setback when it comes to his overall mission. Nevertheless, Erik supposes it could have turned out worse.

Of course, by the time Erik is in bed that night, staring up at the moonlight reflected on the ceiling as he lies there unable to sleep, he finds that thoughts of Charles linger, flitting across his mind like fevered daydreams, and though he tries to deny it to himself, he knows that something in his neat and organised world has most certainly shifted.


	2. Chapter 2

 

 

The next day provides little reprieve from the new complications in Erik’s life, nor any opportunity for him to continue with the plan he’d expected to put into the action the previous night.

Thanks to the continued absence of Sharon Xavier, Erik is afforded another day of leisure- a day that apparently has most of the other employees away from the mansion once more, most likely spending time with their families or socialising with friends. Erik has no family, he has no friends, and as such there is no reason for him to venture outside of the grounds of the house. In truth, everything Erik needs is on the inside, but though he’s certainly tempted to attempt to gain access to the mansion once more, he knows that he cannot. Downstairs in the garage is a very expensive and very badly damaged car- a car that Erik told Charles he would repair- and it’s a promise Erik intends to keep.

It’s in Erik’s best interests to fix the vehicle, as doing so should hopeful mean that Charles also stays true to his word by keeping what he discovered about Erik’s mutation to himself. Erik doesn’t allow himself to consider for too long what might happen should Charles turn out to be less than trustworthy, doesn’t want to imagine holding him down and seeing the light go out in those captivating blue eyes, but it’s something that he needs to contemplate. Erik has never attempted to trust many people before, has never been able to, and consequently he can’t help but see the world through somewhat of a skewed perspective- as if everything in life is tainted with an almost unperceivable stain, like a dirty fingerprint on the face of a silver coin.

Erik is still thinking about Charles later that morning as he works on the car. The day started with a brief run followed by a shower and breakfast, as per Erik’s usual routine, and now he is standing in one corner of the garage, face tensed with concentration as he extends one hand towards the lump of twisted, broken metal that was once a blue Corvette, attempting to form it back into some sort of order. The task isn’t quite as easy as Erik would like it to be though. Normally Erik is accustomed to metal instinctively responding to his will, as if he only needs to whisper for it to know his command, but this time the atoms and molecules are more stubborn, grinding against each other when they would normally glide. There’s a few reasons why Erik could be experiencing such difficulty, one of which is the spectral sense of Charles, who lingers in Erik’s thoughts as if he has implanted himself there- which he might have for all Erik knows. But most likely the issue is due to the fact that it’s an exorbitantly hot day, and the garage is practically a sauna.

Though Erik knows it’s unlikely that there is anyone else nearby, or that anyone would even take much interest in him if they were, he still keeps the garage’s double doors closed as he works, keen to preserve the secrecy of what he is doing. The covertness is both due to the fact that Erik wishes to keep the car’s unfortunate condition a secret, as well as the need to conceal exactly how it is he’s able to remould the vehicle’s metal panels with no tools or implements, but the unfortunate side effect is that there is no air circulation whatsoever, meaning that the heat of the mid-morning sun is fully contained within cinderblocks and wooden beams. Erik has dressed to combat the heat in thin beige trousers and a white polo shirt, but nevertheless as he stands there with his hand outstretched, watching in annoyance as the side panel of the car shifts so that it is almost back in place not quite, he feels rivulets of sweat begin to run down his back, his hand tremors, and in the end the heat and the frustration is too much.

“ _Verdammt_!” Erik growls, loosening his hold on the metal so that it falls to the ground once more. He runs one hand back through his hair as he turns away from his failure and there, standing at the side of the room, is Charles.

Erik blames his intense level of concentration for the reason why he didn’t sense Charles’ presence to begin with, why he didn’t pick up on the metal of Charles’ watch or the rush of iron in his blood. It’s something that has happened to Erik more than once, as often when he’s using his mutation it’s like he cannot see or hear anything else, save for the sound of metal singing in his veins. Of course on this occasion Erik wishes he had been a little bit more attuned to his surroundings, as perhaps then he wouldn’t have ended up staring at Charles like some sort of dumbstruck idiot, mouth parting as he takes in the sight of Charles in a thin blue shirt and shorts that seem _obscenely_ short, distracting Erik’s attention considerably.

“Charles…” Erik murmurs quietly, feeling his skin flush from more than just the heat this time.

“Hi, Erik”, Charles says in response, a bright smile alighting his expression. “It’s nice to see you again. I thought you might like a drink on this unbelievably hot day?”

With that Charles lifts his hand and offers a glass to Erik, inside of which Erik can see a translucent liquid awash in a sea of ice cubes; a refreshing beverage that would be extremely tempting if only Erik were able to accept anything from Charles, and not see it as some prelude to manipulation.

Erik pulls a face. “No thank you”.

“Oh… You don’t like iced tea?”

“Did you just read my mind?” Erik asks, uncertainty prickling at his senses.

“Ah, no… I read it from the sour look on your face”, Charles replies with a grin. “I suppose that’s alright- tea’s not for everyone- though if you ever visit the British colonies you may wish to refrain from expressing such opinions. We take our tea consumption very seriously”.

“I’ll bear it in mind…” Erik grumbles, turning away from Charles and refocusing on the car once more. He expects that Charles will take that as his cue to leave, but to Erik’s surprise after a moment Charles steps closer, sipping on the iced tea as he moves to lean against a workbench across from where Erik is standing.

After a moment Erik looks at him. “Did you want something else?”

It seems like Charles is incapable of keeping a smile off his face, something that irritates Erik for reasons that he knows have no real basis, and have more to do with his own sullen mood than with anything Charles has actually done.

“Well, I suppose I may have had a bit of an ulterior motive in mind when I decided to come visit you…” Charles replies eventually, his eyelids lowered so that the line of his lashes is dark against his cheek. “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since yesterday, and I wanted to ask you something…”

“You did…?”

Charles looks up to meet Erik’s eyes once more. “I feel like I never thanked you properly yesterday, for saving me when I crashed the car, and for agreeing to keep my, umm, shall we say less-than-exemplary driving skills a secret… I realise it’s a risk for you, doing something that might ultimately compromise your career, and as such I felt it was only proper that I expressed my appreciation by taking you out for dinner”.

Once Charles has finished speaking for a while Erik can only stare, meeting Charles’ focused gaze as the seconds pass with nothing but static silence between them, representing hope still unfulfilled. After a moment Charles lifts the glass of iced tea to his lips and consumes several mouthfuls, sending Erik’s attention elsewhere as he watches Charles’ pale throat flex with each swallow, as he watches as the glass is removed and Charles’ pink tongue darts out to draw once over his plump lower lip, chasing away the moisture there. Erik can feel the skin at the back of his neck warming, creating a indisputable flush that he hopes will remain unnoticed by Charles, and that can be attributed to the warm weather and nothing else.

“Erik…?” Charles says eventually, raising his eyebrows as he places the glass down on the workbench beside himself.

“…You’re asking me out on a date?” Erik replies quietly once he has found his voice.

That same wide smile of Charles’ returns in full force.

“Well, yes- a date would be lovely, if you’re amenable to the idea? Of course I wouldn’t like to assume, but if you were interested then… Well, if you were interested then I would like that very much”.

What Charles has just proposed is a question that Erik cannot answer, because although Charles has been perfectly clear his intentions are still something that Erik is unable to comprehend. Erik has never been on a date before. He has never been for so much as a simple planned drink in a bar with someone, let alone dinner. An adolescence and early adulthood spent tracking down notorious Nazis left no time for frivolity, and as such in the wake of Charles’ words Erik is left feeling stunned, unsure of how to react to something that, until a few moments ago, had seemed completely out of the realm of possibilities. Erik is only too aware of the fact that he can be an imposing person, that he most likely projects an air of _‘Fuck off’_ at all times, and as such it’s hard for him to contemplate anyone being interested in him. Yes, he has no trouble picking up a willing body for the night should he put his mind to it and consequently he knows he’s not unattractive, but there’s a clear difference between that kind of casual encounter and what Charles is suggesting- that he is wanting to get to know Erik quite personally over a shared meal or similar event.

Erik does not have to consider the subject for too long to know that he is attracted to Charles. It has been apparent for perhaps longer than Erik is aware of, but nevertheless it does not mean that it’s necessarily easy for Erik to agree to Charles’ proposal, for a great number of reasons.

“Charles, I… I can’t”.

The disappointment that flickers across Charles’ face is immediately apparent, and Erik wishes it didn’t make him feel quite as guilty as it does.

“Oh, alright then… I understand, Erik”. Charles pauses thoughtfully for a second, before continuing: “Only… you said ‘can’t’ not ‘don’t want to’…”

Erik looks at Charles pointedly. “Regardless the result is the same…”

“Yes, quite… But when someone says ‘can’t’ it worries me, because it gives the impression that something is preventing you from having something that you want”.

“Life throws up all kinds of obstacles, Charles, and we can’t always have everything that we want”.

“Not in my experience”, Charles replies, and never has it been clearer to Erik how different the worlds they come from are.

“You want to understand?” Erik asks, growing mildly irritated. “Fine. You’re the son of my employer, you’re a college student who’s only in the country for a few months, and you’re almost ten years younger than me. You shouldn’t even be considering asking me out, you should be dating people your own age”.

Charles scoffs, folding his arms across his chest as he leans back against the workbench.

“Erik, people my own age are boring... They’re simpering girls more interested in my money than my brain, or confused boys who only acknowledge me for as long as I’m on my knees, until they’ve got what they want and they can console themselves with the rationale that they’re not really gay after all it was all my fault for leading them on. In truth I find it’s not age that matters- it’s intellect, it’s intrigue, it’s a wealth of experience, and you, my friend, seem like you have all three”.

There are words are forming in Erik’s mind, ready to respond, but in the next second Charles moves and Erik finds himself faltering. With undeniable grace Charles hauls himself up so that he is sitting on the workbench, causing his already considerably brief shorts to rise up further, exposing the tops of thighs that are surprisingly sturdy, leading Erik to wonder whether Charles perhaps plays rugby or something similarly demanding. But of course with that consideration comes accompanying daydreams as Erik briefly imagines what Charles might look like on a rugby field, skin flushed and damp with perspiration, clothes clinging to his supple body. It’s an incredibly distracting thought, and as Charles settles down on the surface of the workbench, those damn shorts bunching around his thighs and delicate areas, Erik only hopes that every lustful fantasy is not betrayed by the look on his own face.

Rather abruptly Erik turns away, stepping closer to the ruined car as he refocuses his attention on what he was supposed to be doing before this unexpected turn of events took place, trying to ignore the way he can feel Charles’ eyes on him, like rays of sunlight coursing across his skin. Using his mutation helps. As Erik stretches out his hand he feels an unmistakable focus and determination take control of his body, enabling him to block out almost everything else as the side panel of the car shifts, ripples, and finally slides into place.

Erik can’t help the satisfied smile that spreads across his face as he takes in the sight of the reformed metal, and instantly he turns towards Charles- his pride allowing him to take a moment to show off. At least, that is the intention, but to Erik’s surprise he finds that Charles isn’t watching, he’s sitting with his eyes closed and one hand drawn up, fingers just resting against his temple. After a moment Charles’ eyes open and he lowers his hand, and when he catches sight of Erik watching his expression turns immediately contrite.

“Oh, sorry- I couldn’t resist using my telepathy to experience what it is like for you to use your ability, just a little bit. Your mutation is extraordinary… I’ve never felt power like it, and I suspect what I’ve seen yesterday and today is not even the full extent of what you can do. You’re remarkable, Erik- you really are”.

It’s perhaps the first time Erik’s mutation has been complimented since Erik was little more than a child, when he would stand, small and cowed, and listen as Shaw told him of the power running through his veins and how it needed to be unlocked. Those flatteries were stained by manipulation, by corruption, and even then Erik knew that Shaw valued his mutation more than who Erik was as a person, as if, were he given the choice, Shaw would happily take the power from Erik and cradle it, leaving Erik himself as nothing more than the shell left behind. From Charles though, the words are heartfelt, earnest, and for the first time Erik can almost allow himself to believe that this ability of his could be something good, and not just the mark of a monster.

“Thank you…” Erik says quietly.

Charles beams. “It’s always wonderful to meet another mutant, though the opportunities are sadly few and far between. I often wonder how many of us there are out there, hiding in plain sight… It seems so hard to find them, even for me, particularly when there appears to be no indicators as to what family lines are precursor to the mutant gene, nor any consistency between the choices and lifestyles of adult mutants that would allow them to be tracked. Take yourself, for example…”

“Me?”

“Mm-hmm. There was a time when I thought that all mutants would be easily identifiable- that they would be scholars and scientists and world leaders- but increasingly it seems like that’s not the case. I wonder, how is it that you’re a mechanic? I can see how your mutation would lend to such a vocation, but somehow I feel like you could do so much more- that you’re capable of greater things…”

Evidently Erik must flinch slightly at the question, as immediately Charles’ expression turns remorseful and he adds: “Oh, I’m sorry, Erik. There I go again letting my mouth run away with itself… Of course there’s nothing wrong with your chosen profession- I didn’t mean to infer that there was. I was simply wondering if this is something you have always wanted to do or something you happened to fall into?”

It’s a question Erik cannot even begin to answer, because to do so would mean either revealing the true intent in Erik’s employment or instead concocting an elaborate backstory to explain Erik’s career until now, and for some reason Erik does not wish to lie to Charles. The fact that Charles is even asking at least confirms that he has remained true to his word to not pry into Erik’s mind, but it doesn’t present Erik with any way to get out of justifying himself to Charles, other than sidestepping the question entirely.

“Charles, what is it that you want from me?” Erik asks eventually. “Surely you didn’t intend to spend your summer holidays chatting with the staff, so I’m not sure why you’re choosing to waste your time hanging out in the garage with me”.

In response Charles drops his gaze, chewing on his lower lip slightly as Erik’s eyes flit fleetingly across Charles’ body, noting the adornment of freckles across Charles’ chest that travel down beneath the collar of his shirt- a path that Erik wishes he could follow. After a moment Erik hears Charles mutter to himself, something that sounds like: “You really are a mystery…”, and then he is jumping down from the workbench, letting out a low sigh as he reaches over to pick up the glass of iced tea.

“Erik, I would like to think if nothing else we can be friends…”

“I don’t need any friends”, Erik replies quickly, almost reflexively.

The smile on Charles’ face is almost sympathetic. “Erik, _everyone_ needs friends- particularly people who appear to spend the majority of their time entirely within the bounds of their apartment… Really I’m just thinking about your own mental wellbeing- I wouldn’t want you to get bored up there”.

“That’s very considerate of you but I have more than enough to keep me occupied”.

Charles scoffs. “Hardly. I’ll have you know I spent a large proportion of my childhood hiding away in that small flat, and I’m sure it hasn’t been updated in the last ten years or so. The books in there must be positively antiquated, and I’m pretty sure I took the portable chess set with me when I went to university”.

“Seriously, Charles- I’m fine…”

“Alright, if you say so…” Charles replies, not seeming entirely convinced. “If you change your mind though please feel free to visit sometime. I’m sure I could help to make your time here considerably more interesting…”

Charles reaches out to grasp Erik’s upper arm, squeezing once in what is presumably a friendly gesture, but Erik can’t help but tense much like he did the previous night. This time however Erik finds it takes him a shorter duration to ease into the unfamiliar contact, but of course by the time he does Charles is withdrawing his hand once more, giving Erik one last smile before he turns and walks away, leaving Erik alone at last.

 

For the rest of the day Erik’s thoughts are scattered and unfocused. He works on the car, using both force and precision to instruct the metal panels into reforming back into place, and although using his mutation enables Erik to temper his mind somewhat, it’s fair to say that Erik is not as level-headed and composed as he usually is. Even without dwelling on the matter too considerably, Erik knows what the cause is.

The advent of Charles in Erik’s life is like a burst of colour in a sea of grey, like music amidst endless silence. Never before has Erik found himself so distracted by something so simplistic, nothing more than the captivating azure of innocent eyes and the calming tone of a soft voice. Previously Erik’s thoughts were singular and regimented. For years he had no preoccupation in mind other than Shaw, meaning endless days and nights were spent calculating and planning, working towards that one fateful day when Erik would come face to face with his tormentor, and creator…

In some ways Erik now sees his life in two halves- before Shaw’s death and after, as if the event was so significant and so transformative that it now requires two time periods. At one point Erik had hoped that the elimination of Shaw would bring with it peace; an end to the suffering that tormented Erik for years, but it’s not the case. Now there is a constant undercurrent in Erik’s thoughts, a memory of Shaw’s head trapped between two metal plates, blood amassing between his temples and dripping from his nose as Erik forces the slabs of alloy together, squeezing until Shaw’s head pops like an overripe melon. Erik sees the image behind his closed eyelids as he goes to sleep each night, remembers what it felt like, the sound of it, the stench in the air. It is a memory Erik both covets and cowers from, but ultimately it is one he feels he will never be free of. At least it seemed that way, until Charles.

A week passes, and though for the most part Erik tries to keep to himself as much as he ever did he finds the task increasingly difficult. Charles is a frequent visitor to the garage, at first under the guise of checking on the progress with the ruined car, but once it is complete continuing to visit presumably just to see Erik. At first Erik is annoyed, or at least tries to pretend he is… But then he starts to see his growing closeness to Charles as a potential opportunity- a way to gain awareness of the events happening within the Xavier mansion, because Erik certainly isn’t making progress in any other way.

And so, during the daytime Erik continues with his day job- tending to and servicing the numerous vehicles of the Xavier household- and frequently Charles will be there, chattering happily as he attempts to engage Erik in conversation, something that is occasionally successful but often not. For the most part Erik just listens, finding that the amiable ramblings from Charles are like a pleasant background melody, but eventually he responds, he engages, and gradually their interactions resemble something rather more like friendship.

Of course, the growing fondness Erik feels for Charles is something he vehemently denies, even to himself. It’s been a very long time since Erik has felt affection towards anyone, and as such it’s easy for him to push down the feelings, to crystallise them into some small fragment he can tuck away, next to memories of his mother and father and their little house in Germany. At night-time though, it’s harder.

When Erik is alone in his apartment there really is very little for him to do. In truth, Erik has never needed very much- a good book or an interesting television programme or a map he can use to plot his path to the next Nazi is all Erik has ever really required- but for some reason in Westchester it is like something is lacking. As Erik lies in bed at night he thinks of Charles and the conversations they’ve shared, thinks of how bright and excited Charles looks when he’s talking about Erik’s mutation, thinks of the way Charles smiles when he is happy- the expression more luminous and more brilliant than anything Erik has ever seen. In daylight those recollections are warm, wistful, but at night they take on an entirely different guise…

At night in Erik’s thoughts Charles’ pale, freckled skin is laid bare, his body spread across Erik’s bedsheets, exposed and flushed and willing. At night Charles’ soft pink mouth gapes open, breaths coming out harsh and fast as he moans in unbridled abandon. At night Charles’ almost-ridiculous floppy brown hair is damp with perspiration, pushed back from his forehead so Erik can press his mouth there. At night Charles is with Erik, beneath Erik, spread open by Erik, and for a moment Erik can allow himself to believe that fantasy can be reality, and that there’s a chance he can have what he wants.

But no matter how many times Erik slides the palm of his hand down his stomach and into his underwear to chase release, he never finds an end to his affliction. Charles is like a spectre, haunting Erik’s unconscious thoughts, as even when Erik sleeps he dreams of him and wakes with a jolt- heart pounding and cock achingly hard. It’s perhaps a better kind of night-time awakening than what Erik is used to, preferable to the days when he would dream of nothing but stark white rooms and blunt deadly instruments and the smell of blood and piss and bile. This time when Erik wakes it’s not to the sound of a gunshot and the look of sickening absence in his mother’s cold, dead eyes. It’s to thoughts of a different kind of torment, but one that is almost hopeful rather than cataclysmic.

Because after all, Erik knows that Charles is interested. He knows there’s a very good chance that the kinds of sinful, sexual things he’s thought of doing to Charles may very well be the kinds of things Charles wants in return, but that doesn’t make anything any simpler. It is clear on the occasions when someone else will join them in the garage, and Charles’ demeanour instantly shifts from flirtatious and teasing to practically withdrawn. Erik knows only too well the kind of world they live in, and the restrictions enforced by society’s unjust laws. He knows that to pursue any kind of involvement with Charles would only doom the both of them to a life of lies and deception, and Erik already has enough secrets to keep.

 

It is with such reservations in mind that Erik, once again, refuses Charles’ advances one afternoon. In the wake of Erik’s rejection Charles is clearly disappointed, and he pouts so prettily that Erik knows he will be replaying the moment in his head for many nights to come... But Charles does not complain, he does not whine, he simply tells Erik it’s such a shame they won’t be able to get together for a discussion of _‘The Structure of Scientific Revolutions’_ ; a book Charles claims is simply the most subversive thing he has read in years. And with one last pointed look Charles is gone, and Erik is alone once more.

Later that night Erik experiences a rare evening away from his apartment. Numerous days spent alongside Charles have left Erik with an untempered kind of craving, and as such he finds himself needing to pay a visit to a local bar in an attempt to locate some company for the night. There’s frivolity to be found- more than a few attractive young women who glance in Erik’s direction and bat their eyelashes coquettishly- but before Erik has even finished his first drink he already knows it’s not what he really wants, and in the end he leaves by himself.

When Erik returns to the Xavier mansion the house and grounds are dark- the vast majority of the residents presumably already fast asleep. Erik lets himself into the garage and wanders over to the stairs that lead to his apartment, but as soon as he does so he knows that something is wrong. Erik’s perception of metal is almost like having another sense, and as easily as seeing he knows that the metal lock of his door is open- something that it most certainly wasn’t when Erik left. The realisation is alarming, and immediately Erik’s mind presumes the worst- he deduces that one of his old enemies has caught up to him- and it’s a complication Erik cannot afford to have when he is trying to operate covertly.

It would be easy for Erik to eliminate any presumed threat that awaits him upstairs, and to do it so quickly and so harshly that the presumed assailant would have no idea it was even happening, nor time to react. But if it is in fact someone from Erik’s past who is lurking upstairs then Erik knows it may be more important to subdue them, allowing him time to get the information he seeks before they meet their untimely end. As so, Erik tempers the rising fury within himself as he heads upstairs, senses crackling like errant electricity as he enters his apartment and walks stealthily towards the presence he can sense within.

Erik’s mutation gives more information than sight does, because although it is dark in the room and the dim light coming in through the gauzy curtains does little to enhance perception, Erik can feel the thrum of blood within the veins of someone nearby. Slowly the long wire of a nearby lamp begins to uncoil, following Erik like a silent serpent as he approaches the rear corner of the room, rising up ready to strike as three things happen all at once- Erik abruptly advances forward, he hears a strangely cheery: “Erik, hi!”, and his fingers clamp down harshly on the forearms of someone as he slams them unceremoniously against the wall.

The intruder hits the plasterboard with a loud: “Oof!”, and even before Erik sees their face now illuminated by the faint light from the window he knows who it is.

“Charles, what the fuck are you doing here?” Erik hisses.

Unsurprisingly Charles looks distinctly uncomfortable.

“Oww…” Charles grumbles, squirming slightly within Erik’s hold. “Gosh, you didn’t need to shove me, Erik- I wasn’t stealing from you or anything”.

“Charles, you’re in my home in the middle of the night and I know for damn sure I didn’t invite you here, so what in _Gott’s_ name are you doing?”

Charles pouts, looking up at Erik sullenly, and it’s at that moment that Erik realises just how close they are. Charles is pressed flush against the wall, his body bracketed in by Erik, his small frame pinned in place by Erik’s hold on his arms, his face inches away from Erik’s own. It’s closer than Erik has ever allowed himself to be to Charles, and when Erik can feel the warmth of Charles’ body and he can smell the sweet scent of Charles’ skin, it’s hard to remember why he has resisted this for so long.

But then all of the longing and desire and arousal Erik is feeling begins to head distinctly _southwards_ , and he remembers the reasons for his self-enforced restraint.

“Charles…” Erik murmurs quietly, eyes dropping down to regard the plump curve of Charles’ lower lip.

“I was only trying to give you a present…” Charles mutters, looking away. “You seemed so interested in the latest Thomas Kuhn novel, even if you didn’t want to come with me to the library to get a copy, so I thought I’d give you mine. I’ve read it so many times now and I thought you’d like to read it too and then we could discuss it when I come to the garage to visit you and… _Oh_ …”

The last word is so soft it is almost inaudible, but somehow it still says so much. Charles trails off, his words fading into obscurity as he begins to tilt his gaze upwards, his breathing growing increasingly shallow. Even though it is dark in the room Erik can see how Charles’ cheeks have begun to flush with delightful colour, how the hollow of his throat is tinged with pink. Charles looks up at Erik and murmurs slightly, a sound like the echo of the moan, and if all the blood in Erik’s body weren’t already filling out his cock he’s sure he’d have some left for his face.

“Erik…” Charles whispers, his hips shifting forward so that soft rise of his belly presses against Erik’s rapidly hardening member- a contact that instantly makes Erik groan in enjoyment, in spite of the fact that it is through the layers of clothing that both of them are wearing. Charles seems so slight at that moment- Erik towers over him by a full head, his hands are wrapped around Charles’ slim wrists, his body is pinning Charles in place. Erik knows it’s wrong and that he should show restraint and move away, but he can’t help but lean into Charles further- aching for the soft comfort of Charles’ body, and the release it could provide.

When the moment of awakening comes it is on the promise of a kiss. Charles tilts his face up, his mouth parting in invitation, and suddenly Erik remembers where he is and what he’s doing. He recoils harshly, stepping away from Charles, but somehow he still cannot seem to let go. The distance gives Charles room to move, but if Erik ever had any expectation that his interest in Charles was not reciprocal, in the next moment he is proven wrong.

Charles reaches to attempt to smooth the palms of his hands down Erik’s chest and stomach, but Erik is still holding Charles’ wrists and he hampers his movement- unable to let Charles touch him, for Erik has never trusted any man who has ever touched him. It’s like Charles doesn’t see the act as rejection but rather as a puzzle to be solved, because in the next second he is looking at Erik quizzically, his eyes trailing down from Erik’s face all the way to his crotch, where Erik’s erection is only too obvious- pushing up against the confines of his trousers. Even if Charles wasn’t a telepath, albeit one who has promised not to pry, it’s arguable he would know what Erik wants anyway- it’s written in the slowness of Erik’s breathing and the racing of his heart and the darkness of his eyes. And when Charles runs his tongue over his lower lip, the gesture so suggestive Erik feels his cock twitch in response, Erik finds that the release he’s been craving takes over him all at once, and all he can do is let go of his hold on Charles’ arms and watch as Charles sinks to his knees.

For someone who is so used to being in control, Erik has never felt more imbalanced. As Charles takes up position kneeling on the floor Erik leans forward, pressing both hands flat against the wall for support and inadvertently pushing his crotch against Charles’ face, something that Charles doesn’t seem to mind too much. He looks up at Erik and smiles, the expression of someone for whom all sexual encounters have most likely been fun and frivolous, before he reaches up to grasp the waistband of Erik’s trousers, fumbling with the fastenings as Erik lets out a low breath. It would be easy for Erik to assist, to use his mutation to open his buttons and zipper rather than waiting for Charles to do it, but he cannot move. He can only stare down at the top of Charles’ head, completely captivated by the sight of something he has wanted for so long, but something he still fears.

It’s dark in the room but Erik knows that if he allows Charles to remove his clothing then it will be the start of so many things, and possibly the end of them too. If Charles pulls Erik’s trousers down then he will undoubtedly begin to see silvery lines of scar tissue, spanning Erik’s upper thighs from where Shaw drew numerous blades across Erik’s skin as he challenged Erik to use his mutation to stop the onslaught. It will provide the answers to questions that Charles has never asked, questions that might prompt Charles to look where he has promised not to, and to see the secrets Erik keeps. Most of all, Erik fears that the shedding of his clothing, of his inhibitions, will ultimately only have one outcome. That Charles will suddenly realise that he is much too beautiful, too sweet, too smart, and too undamaged to lower himself into being with someone who is so very beneath him.

It’s a cowardice the likes of which Erik is unaccustomed too, but in that moment he can’t help but back away, stepping to the side and turning to slump against the wall, allowing the structure to support him as in spite of Erik’s withdrawal Charles shuffles closer on his knees. Charles is still looking up at Erik with questions written in his expression but Erik cannot answer, and so he closes his eyes, trying not to tremble as he feels Charles take his hand, pressing his mouth gently to Erik’s scarred knuckles. It’s more tenderness than Erik is used to, and certainly more than he feels like he deserves, and it’s unsurprising how the gesture instantly has a somewhat soothing affect, leading Erik to let out a low sigh as Charles returns his attention to Erik’s crotch once more.

This time when Charles begins to work on Erik’s trousers, Erik doesn’t recoil. Though he can’t quite bring himself to open his eyes Erik remains still and yielding as his button and zipper are unfastened, his hands braced against the wall behind himself as he grits his teeth, mentally preparing himself for the moment when Charles’ disgust becomes apparent. But when Charles grasps two handfuls of material and pulls Erik’s trousers down his thighs it’s not abhorrence Erik detects, it’s admiration.

“Oh my gosh… _Erik_ …” Charles breathes.

Erik opens his eyes to regard Charles, and the look of appreciation on Charles’ face is such that Erik feels himself start to blush, his skin heating with pride. Charles smiles up at Erik and hums appreciatively, reaching to stroke one hand along the length of Erik’s cock where it is still concealed by his underwear, though Erik knows ‘concealed’ is probably overstating the facts… Erik is aware that he’s considerably well-endowed, and feedback from previous partners- however brief they may have been- has confirmed the fact. But somehow Erik seeks Charles’ approval more, and he can’t help but feel pleased by the look of abject desire on Charles’ face, even if he wonders whether it’s himself Charles is enamoured with or whether Charles just has a thing for large cocks in general.

Regardless it’s unimportant, because in the next second Charles is taking hold of Erik’s underwear and is pulling it down, and then he’s leaning forward and just the sight of Erik’s own cock hard and flushed at the tip next to Charles’ gorgeous face is enough to make Erik give in, to so many things. Charles’ mouth is warm and wet as he opens it up, taking in the head of Erik’s member and swirling his tongue around the top as Erik groans, his hips bucking reflexively. It’s all Erik can do to contain himself and not thrust into that gorgeous mouth, fucking Charles’ face like he’s dreamt of doing for so many weeks now. But no matter how vivid Erik’s previous fantasies may have been reality is still undoubtedly more satisfying, because although Erik’s knees are weak and he can do nothing but lean against the wall for support, it’s clear he doesn’t need to take anything from Charles anyway- not when Charles is giving _everything_ so willingly.

It’s true that Erik has not been the recipient of many blowjobs, and as such his expectations aren’t especially high. Nevertheless, Charles is incredible. He sucks on Erik’s cock leisurely, drawing his mouth up and down the shaft, keeping his hands placed on Erik’s thighs as he does so, his thumbs rubbing against uneven scar tissue- a gesture that is either intentionally sweet or purely inadvertent. It feels so good that before long Erik is literally _shaking_ , his heart pounding in his chest as his legs tremble, unintelligible groans coming from his lips as he fights to keep from rocking forward. Every so often though Erik’s control slips, but each time he thrusts into that perfect pink mouth all it does is makes Charles _moan_ ; the sound only increasingly Erik’s arousal further. It’s clear Charles wants this as much as Erik does, perhaps more so, and it’s that thought which brings Erik to the brink of climax.

There’s only so long Erik can hold out before he feels his balls begin to tighten and his cock begin to throb, and he barely has time to get out the words: “ _Mein Gott_ , Charles, _coming_ …” before he is feeling pleasure course through his body as he starts to climax. There’s a moment for Charles to withdraw, if he so wishes, but instead Charles remains where he is- mouth wrapped around the top couple of inches of Erik’s cock, looking up at Erik and watching as he comes. It’s almost too intense, too intoxicating, too _intimate_ , and it’s for that reason why Erik slumps to lean back against the wall once more, tilting back his head and closing his eyes, hoping to hide.

There is no hiding though, not really- not anymore. Erik remains frozen with his eyes still closed as Charles carefully licks Erik’s cock clean, before starting to stand upright- taking the time to tuck Erik’s gradually softening member back into his trousers as he does so. In that moment Erik is glad his eyes are shut, because as soon as Charles is standing once more he lingers there, his hands gently resting on Erik’s hips- almost like he is waiting for something. Whatever it is, it never comes. Instead Charles briefly rises up on his tiptoes and leans close to press a soft kiss to Erik’s forehead- a gesture that says nothing but communicates everything. Within his chest Erik feels his heart flutter erratically, like it has snagged on something and it cannot hope to pull free, and Erik can only hope that Charles isn’t able to perceive the depth of emotion he is feeling, because he’s sure the expanse of it is enough to drown them both.


	3. Chapter 3

 

 

The mistake is one that Erik lives with for the next week.

Because a mistake is what it is, after all. Though Erik cannot get the memory out of his head- the treasured image of Charles on his knees, his lips wrapped tight around Erik’s cock, the feeling as Charles took the length deep into his mouth and swallowed around it- ultimately Erik knows that it was wrong. It was a moment of weakness, of unbridled abandonment, and Erik is not accustomed to such lapses in judgement. Consequently, he finds the indiscretion hard to live with.

In his mind Erik formulates the best course of action- when he next sees Charles he will politely but firmly tell him that the intimacy they shared should not have happened, that it’s something that will not happen again, and that it’s something they need to forget about. Charles will probably protest in that adorable way he does sometimes and try to alter Erik’s decision, but Erik will remain firm and uncompromising, and eventually Charles will listen.

That is the intention… But for the entirety of the next day Erik does not see Charles, and as such he has no opportunity to put his plan into action. At first Erik is somewhat relieved- concluding that perhaps Charles has come to the same decision Erik has and he’s already keeping his distance- but by nightfall Erik grows mildly concerned. Of course it’s not disappointment prickling at Erik’s senses, it can’t be… It’s not that Erik assumed Charles wanted more than just a one-off fling and he’s disconcerted to realise that the intimacy they shared had no real depth to it at all. No, it’s just that Erik knows it’s unusual for him to go more than a day without seeing Charles, and he can’t help but wonder what has caused Charles’ unexplained absence.

The following day, Erik finds out. He is working in the garage tending to the ailing motor of one of the vehicles when he overhears a conversation between two members of staff, and learns that Charles has gone with his mother to Boston on some venture or another. Erik cannot discern enough from merely listening in to determine the exact purpose of Charles’ trip, but the knowledge at least reassures him that Charles is not actually avoiding him. Not that Erik would mind either way, of course…

 

Over the next week Erik continues to work at the Xavier mansion, spending days tending to vehicles and nights alone in his apartment. He reads the book Charles left him, purely as something to do and not at all because he intends to talk to Charles about it once he returns, and with every page turned Erik can’t help but remember that night with Charles and how good it felt. The very memory of it is incredibly distracting, never more so than when Erik suddenly realises that he has essentially wasted a whole week, because he hasn’t so much as attempted to do any kind of recon on the Xavier labs, like he’d intended to before. It’s like being at the mansion has eased Erik into some kind of simple domesticity, and he has forgotten who he really is and what his mission initially was. Worst of all, it’s like knowing Charles has allowed Erik to believe that this is the kind of life that could sustain him, and that his pretence at being just an ordinary man is actually something Erik could allow to become reality. 

A phone call from one of his associates brings Erik’s mind back into focus. It’s been a while since Erik has checked in, and as such it prompts a member of the Brotherhood to ring through to Erik’s apartment to check on his progress. After the exchange Erik leaves for the day to head into the nearby town to meet his accomplice, favouring a walk over driving on account of the fact that it is such a balmy day. It reminds Erik of the morning when Charles first came to visit him in the garage, when Charles showed up looking like sin personified in tight shorts and a thin shirt, and Erik knows he would be kidding himself to think he isn’t secretly hoping he might see such a sight again today.

To get outside the grounds Erik cuts through the vast gardens surrounding the mansion, passing by beautifully landscaped lawns and artfully arranged flowers and large expanses of water, until he reaches the narrow path that winds through the orchard and leads to the back gate. As he walks Erik tries to focus on what he plans to say to his associate, but like always his mind wanders- thinking of Charles and contemplating how stunning he’d undoubtedly look in the warm afternoon sun. Then Charles steps out onto the path in front of Erik, and Erik has confirmation.

Charles approaches slowly, both of his hands tucked into the pockets of his trousers, the green shirt he is wearing unbuttoned at the top allowing Erik’s eyes to roam over the constellation of freckles that adorn Charles’ chest. He looks bright, happy, _beautiful_ , and Erik can’t help but abruptly come to an immediate halt at the sight of him, swallowing nervously as Charles approaches.

“Erik, hi!” Charles says cheerfully, smiling as he comes to a stop in front of Erik. “I was hoping I might find you out here- I saw you leaving just as the car pulled in so I jumped out to catch you. Where are you going?”

“Out”, Erik grunts.

“Oh… Well that’s nice and informative… Um, how have you been anyway?” Charles lowers his eyes, smiling coyly as he steps closer and adds: “I hope you haven’t been missing me too much…”

Erik can only glower in response. “Where have you been all week?”

“Ah, yes… Not my choice, I’m afraid. My mother decided I simply had to accompany her to a function in Dorchester, in spite of my reservations on the subject. I tried to get out of it, really I did, but unfortunately she was feeling especially obstinate”.

“Charles, you’re a telepath- couldn’t you just make her listen to you?”

“If only it were that simple… I may have the power to control my mother whilst I’m here but such command doesn’t extend to the periods during which I’m away in Oxford, and it’s not just myself I have to worry about”.

“No?”

Charles shakes his head, his smile fading. “No. You haven’t had the pleasure of meeting my little sister Raven yet, but if you do you’ll understand how very special she is and how important it is for me to protect her, and if that means going along with my mother’s banal  requests then so be it”.

It seems like there’s more to what Charles is saying, something hidden just beneath the surface- betrayed by the mild look of alarm in Charles’ eyes- but before Erik can enquire further it’s like the subject is wilfully pushed from Charles’ mind, and his expression shifts until it reforms back into the cheerful and teasing looking Erik has become used to seeing.

“So… Now I’m back what are the chances we could pick up where we left off?” Charles asks as he moves closer, the proximity immediately making Erik both want to lean into Charles’ body and move further away at the same time.

“Charles… We’ve been through this- we can’t, I told you that”.

“You did, but I would have thought the fact that you've now had your cock in my mouth might have changed things somewhat”.

Immediately Erik tenses, not just at the reminder of something he has been trying very unsuccessfully to put from his mind, but at the knowledge that it is something Charles has just said out in the open, where anyone could have overheard. Erik sucks in an unsteady breath as he looks nervously around the area, mercifully being met by nothing more than gorgeous scenery and the sound of nature, but still remaining wary nonetheless.

“Erik, relax…” Charles says, reaching to lay one hand on Erik’s bicep. “You don’t have to worry about anyone overhearing- I can protect us”.

Erik scoffs. “Charles, you may be a remarkable telepath, but you can’t protect yourself from everything. You can’t protect yourself from a bullet travelling towards your brain- that’s _my_ gift”.

“Perhaps, but when it comes to something like that I can sense it before you’ve even thought about it. I may not deliberately read minds- a decade of revulsion and awkward interaction has taught me to resist such things- but I always have a sense of my surroundings, of how people _feel_ ”.

As soon as Erik asks the question, he knows it’s probably a mistake. “Really? And what do you sense from me?”

Just looking at Charles is torturous, but then he moves nearer- standing close enough that he is forced to tilt his head up to meet Erik’s eyes, reminding Erik very clearly of the intimacy they shared several days previously. Charles’ proximity allows Erik to see how his cheeks are dotted with light brown flecks that look like stardust, one freckle on his nose standing out more clearly than the others like a shining light, drawing Erik’s attention. He’s so beautiful it almost hurts to look at him, particularly when Erik knows he can never actually have him- not really.

“I sense desire…” Charles says eventually, softly, the words spoken intimately for Erik’s ears alone. “I’ve sensed it from the very first moment we met. I understand that for whatever reason this is hard for you, and sometimes I wish you’d just let me read your mind so I can see what it is you’re so loathe to say, but in the meantime the feeling I get from you is enough. I know you want me, Erik- as if what we did the other day isn’t evidence enough of that. I just don’t understand why you won’t let this happen”.

“What is it that you want, Charles? You want us to go on dates and hold hands in the park? You want to call me your boyfriend and bring me home to your mother?”

“Well that’s a little unrealistic…” Charles replies, pouting in the adorable way Erik favours so much. “I’m not an idiot, Erik- I know we’ll never be able to do any of those things, not without risking injury or even imprisonment. I’m not talking about that anyway. I like your apartment, Erik. I liked it when I used to hide there when I was twelve years old, and I like it more now that you live there. I just want to spend time with you. I want to be _with_ you…”

“That’s not possible, Charles. I’d only ruin you, and not in the nice way”.

It’s meant to be a threat rather than a come-on, but unfortunately Erik’s words clearly prompt some kind of suggestive thought in Charles as immediately his face starts to flush with colour and his tongue darts out to draw slowly across his lower lip.

“Charles…” Erik says warningly. “Please stop. _Mein Gott_ , do you have any idea what you’re doing to me… I just want to continue my work for your mother quietly, without any more complications. I can’t afford to lose this job”.

“Well if that’s the case you might want to think about ingratiating yourself a bit more with the other members of staff… Everyone here operates as very much part of a close-knit unit, and they tend to look at outsiders somewhat distrustfully- particularly mysterious men who refuse to engage in so much as simple conversation with anyone else. If you don’t want to arouse suspicion then I’d consider perhaps talking to other people. You know- a bit of idle chitchat, an exchange of information, perhaps a smile or two”. Charles squeezes Erik’s arm, sending a shiver of electricity running through Erik’s body as Charles leans closer and adds: “I bet you have a beautiful smile, Erik…”

Compliments from Charles seem to come so easily, but nevertheless each one is like sunlight warming Erik’s soul. For a moment Erik can do nothing but gaze into Charles’ stunning blue eyes, feeling himself lost within those depths, cast adrift from everything he knows and understands. But nevertheless Charles is like an anchor too, holding Erik and keeping him, making Erik feel tethered for the first time, like he has somewhere he belongs.

“Charles…” Erik says quietly, trying to resist the urge to draw his thumb across Charles’ plump lower lip. “I… I have go now”.

That same lip becomes more prominent, matching the haughty expression on Charles’ face.

“Erik, this hard-to-get act of yours is only mildly charming…”

“It’s not an act, Charles. We need to stop seeing each other. I’m no good for you, and the sooner you accept that the happier you’ll be”.

Although it takes a considerable amount of effort Erik withdraws, disengaging from Charles’ hold and stepping back a couple of places. Charles looks gorgeous as he stands there in the sunlight, as butterflies pass by and linger for a moment around Charles’ head, as if they too are desperate to be close to him. But though Erik would love nothing more than to spend an afternoon with Charles, lying together on the grass and gazing up at the sky, he knows it’s safer to keep his distance.

“I’ll see you around, Erik…” Charles says wistfully.

Erik’s heart contracts once within his chest, as if it’s about to give out.

“ _Tschüss_ , Charles…”

 

Erik’s mind is still on Charles some hours later, as he commences the walk back from the small diner he has just spent the majority of his evening in. The meeting with Erik’s associate went well and it has strengthened Erik’s conviction when it comes to the mission at the Xavier mansion, and consequently Erik feels for the first time in over a week that he knows exactly what he needs to do next. There’s no point spending any more time delaying and debating- Erik needs to find out how to gain access to the Xavier labs, and he needs to do it tonight.

Thoughts of Charles still linger, flitting through Erik’s subconscious like a warm summer breeze, but Erik knows now that such fondness is weakness, and that he needs to stay strong if he is to succeed in his plan. He has already told Charles that they won’t be seeing each other anymore, and all Erik needs to do now is ensure that he stays true to his word. But though Erik may be actively seeking to avoid Charles he can’t quite forget all the things he said- in particular his advice for Erik to make more of an effort with his colleagues. If Erik is to continue with his covert mission at the Xavier mansion then he needs to ensure that he does not arouse suspicion, and therefore Charles’ suggestion that Erik try to be more approachable might just be the best bet. Consequently, when Erik walks past the local bar and notices that he recognises a few of the people inside, he only hesitates for a moment before heading in to join them.

There’s a considerable amount of noise coming from inside the bar as Erik enters; a raucous din that sounds as if several people have spent the evening, if not the early afternoon, consuming more than their fair share of drinks. It’s the kind of drunken debauchery that Erik normally tries to avoid, given he takes care to maintain an appropriate level of self-control at all times, but it’s not the first time Erik has had to do something he normally wouldn’t for the greater good, or at least what Erik perceives as such. As so Erik steadies his convictions as he heads over to where he can see his colleagues all gathered round a table, drinking and laughing and cheering as they all watch… _Charles?_

Erik comes to a dead stop as he stares up at where Charles is standing on a table, drinking from an obscenely long glass that seems almost as tall as Charles himself is. It seems like the entire room is a captive audience as Charles downs the yard of ale, letting out what could only be described as a victory roar once he finishes which is soon drowned out by the sound of cheering from the rest of the patrons. Afterwards Charles hops down from the table and begins to wander over towards the bar, but as soon as he catches sight of Erik he diverts his path, passing his empty glass to one of the bartenders as he heads over to where Erik is standing, and staring…

“Erik, hi!” Charles exclaims, smiling widely as he approaches. “What are you doing here?”

“I could ask the same of you…” Erik scowls. “Charles, you’re not even old enough to drink”.

“But I am in England, and I’m on British time”.

“Very funny… Charles you should be at home”.

Charles lets out an exasperated sigh. “Erik why do you even care where I am? You said we can’t see each other anymore, and though I don’t agree with you I’m willing to accept that. But then you show up here out of the blue… Do you expect me to believe that’s coincidence?”

“It is…” Erik replies through gritted teeth. “I only came in to spend time with some of my colleagues, like you suggested. I had no idea you’d be in here too”.

Charles doesn’t seem like he believes it in the least, and the challenging look in his eyes says as much. But if Erik is going to prove that he has no ulterior motive in mind then he needs to commit to his plan, and that means not getting distracted by Charles.

“Have a good evening, Charles…” Erik says pointedly, before turning and walking away.

 

Erik knows only too well that if he truly wanted to stop thinking about Charles for one evening his best chance of doing so would be to call it a loss and leave, but for some reason Erik cannot bring himself to do so. Perhaps it has a little something to do with the way he can see Charles swaying unsteadily on his feet from across the room. It’s clear that Charles has had more than a few drinks, certainly more than the one large glass Erik saw him consume, and it’s certainly having an effect on Charles’ movement.

Erik sits at a table with his colleagues, sipping on a single beer and trying to ignore the surge of protectiveness he feels rising within himself as a result of seeing Charles so inebriated, something that seems impossible to deny- particularly as the evening wears on and Charles continues to endear himself to his fellow bargoers. Erik already knows that Charles is an attractive and charismatic person, someone who has no trouble socialising with various people, and Erik only wishes that the sight of Charles smiling and laughing with other men didn’t drive him quite so crazy.

Because it _is_ maddening, after all. Throughout the entire evening Charles is never sort of company, or attention, or drinks… He consumes glass after glass of liquor, beer, or whatever else he can get his hands on- a task made easy by the fact that there are more than enough people nearby happy to supply Charles with alcohol. As the night wears on Erik watches sullenly as Charles attracts the attention of one person in particular- a gruff looking man who continually has a glass of whiskey in one hand and a cigar in the other, and eyes for Charles alone... Charles is clearly receptive to the man’s advances, and whilst Erik is infuriated he also can’t help but wonder how much of Charles’ behaviour is something orchestrated _for_ Erik himself- a way to make Erik jealous. Because in all of the time Charles is with the other man it’s never very long before he shoots a glance Erik’s way, almost like he is trying to make sure that Erik is watching. It’s a game Erik doesn’t want to play, one that speaks of Charles’ youth and apparent immaturity, and it only confirms to Erik how wrong for each other he and Charles are.

But just because Erik isn’t planning to pursue Charles himself, it doesn’t mean that he’s willing to just let some stranger use him either. If it’s wrong for Erik and Charles to be together on account of their age difference then it’s wrong for Charles to be with this other man too, particularly as it seems he might be even older than Erik is- something that leads Erik to wonder for a moment whether Charles’ interest in either of them is really anything genuine or if it’s just some kind of kink. But Erik cannot allow himself to ponder the reasons for too long, because in the next moment Charles’ new companion excuses himself to head to the bathroom, and Erik decides it’s time to intervene.

Charles doesn’t notice at first as Erik approaches, not until the point Erik abruptly reaches over to take the glass Charles is holding from his hand, prompting Charles to turn to look at Erik before pulling a face at him.

“Erik, what on earth--?”

“You’ve had enough”, Erik interrupts, placing the glass down on the bar and gesturing for the bartender to take it away. “It’s time for you to go home”.

“Um, I’m not sure it’s up to you to decide if I’ve had enough”, Charles replies, part of the sentence being lost to a very loud hiccup. “I’ll have you know I’m not even slightly intoxi--intoxicat--” Charles sighs and finishes: “Erik, I’m not even drunk…”

“Right, of course... So I must have imagined you drinking so much that you’re now practically throwing yourself at random strangers. You need to be careful, Charles. You don’t know the kinds of trouble you could get yourself into if you allow people to take advantage of you when you’re vulnerable like this”.

Charles blinks, gaping up at Erik. “ _That’s_ what this is about? Because I’m talking to some guy? Erik, you don’t understand…”

“I don’t want to hear it, Charles. This is not about us, this is about you acting recklessly in order to pursue some sort of older man fetish, or whatever it is you have”.

Instantly Charles starts to laugh, something that irritates Erik immensely.

“Charles…”

“Erik, you’ve got it all wrong”.

“I don’t care, Charles- just forget about what you’re doing because we’re going home right now”.

“Erik…” Charles starts, sighing in exasperation as Erik seizes him by the arm and pulls him from the stool he was sitting on, before lowering his voice and adding: “Erik, for god’s sake, he’s a mutant!”

Erik pauses, staring down at Charles, because of course this is something Erik already knows- he could feel the metal of the man’s skeleton from the moment he entered the bar. The only thing is Erik didn’t realise Charles knew it, or that it even mattered when it came to Charles’ choice of sexual partner.

“Is that why you’re interested in him?” Erik asks, matching Charles quiet tone.

“Yes, but not for the reasons you think… I’m not trying to bang the guy, I just wanted to talk to him about his mutation. He was rather unreceptive at first, hence the colossal amount of drinks I’ve consumed this fine evening, but he’s loosened up a bit now. His name is Logan, and his mutation is that--"

“Charles, no. Mutant or not this is not the way to do things. You’re nineteen years old and you’re drunk”.

“I can handle it...”

“No, you can’t. And I won’t leave you here where you could get taken advantage of, or worse. I’m taking you home”.

Charles begins to chew on his lower lip, and Erik is dismayed to see the look of sadness in his eyes.

“Erik, _I can’t_. My mother would kill me if she saw me like this, not that she’s really entitled to impart any judgement considering she spends the majority of her time in a state of inebriation…” Charles hiccups again, his shoulders slumping as he looks down at the ground and adds: “I don’t really have anywhere to go… I was just going to sleep in the lake house or something”.

It’s a bad idea, and part of Erik can’t help but wonder if this is something Charles intended all along. But nevertheless Erik knows he would feel much better if he knows exactly where Charles is spending the night, even if it’s closer than Erik would normally allow.

“You can stay with me…” Erik replies eventually. “You can spend the night in my apartment, but we’d have to leave now. No more flirting with other mutants”.

Charles smiles as if he has just discovered a particularly delightful secret. “Oh, so you’re saying I should only flirt with one mutant in particular, hmm?” he asks, raising his eyebrows suggestively.

Erik scowls, loosening his hold on Charles’ arm. “Say goodbye to your new friend, Charles- we’re leaving…”

 

On the walk back to the mansion Charles continues to be especially animated. In the short time during which they have known each other Erik has already established that Charles is a very friendly and chatty individual, and as such Erik has become accustomed to providing only a small portion of the conversation. On this occasion however it’s even more obvious, because the alcohol Charles has imbued has clearly made him even more verbose than usual, and Erik less so…

For the most part Erik keeps his mouth tightly shut, because each time Charles says or does something especially silly and adorable Erik can’t help but want to immediately shove him up against the nearest wall and kiss him, or push Charles to his knees for a repeat of the other night. But Erik knows such a thing would be extremely unethical, because Charles is clearly considerably intoxicated and Erik knows that now, more than ever, it would be wrong to pursue any kind of intimacy with him. Even if it’s something Erik wants desperately. Even if Charles does too.

And so, by the time they return to Erik’s apartment, it has been perhaps twenty minutes since Erik has said anything- fearful as he is of opening his mouth and revealing his truth. Clearly though Charles has no such inhibitions, because the minute they are inside Erik’s living room Charles immediately turns towards Erik, backing Erik into the nearest wall and pressing his body firmly up against him.

“Mmm, I’ve missed you…” Charles murmurs, immediately pressing his face into Erik’s neck, almost as if he knows that’s Erik’s ultimate weakness. Charles’ hands slide down and quickly find their way under the hem of Erik’s shirt, but as soon as Erik notices the contact he recoils, knowing that even if it’s dark in the room there are marks across his chest and stomach that are undoubtedly distinguishable by touch alone. Erik knows he needs to stop this before it really starts, the only problem is that everything seems to happen all at once.

First Charles is pressing his lips softly against the skin of Erik's neck, trailing slowly down to brush gently against Erik's collarbone. Then his hands are no longer resting on Erik's waist, fingertips barely underneath Erik's shirt, they're starting to move up- digits tiptoeing across marks and scars that undoubtedly feel like peaks and valleys in Erik's skin. It's horrifying in the kind of way that, for the first time, doesn’t quite have Erik wanting to run away in fear. Erik's eyes squeeze tightly shut like they have before, like perhaps if he doesn't have to see it he can just let it happen and it will be over soon, but then Erik feels Charles’ mouth move, feels the warmth of Charles’ breath softly course across his face, and knows what's coming next. Erik's eyes open in time to see Charles lean in, and he realises that, whilst he definitely does want to kiss Charles, he doesn't want their first kiss to be like this.

“Stop it”, Erik urges, grasping hold of Charles’ hands and squeezing tight enough to bruise. It’s not that Erik wants to hurt Charles, but it’s clear that a certain amount of force might be required in order to protect Charles from himself.

“Erik, please stop fighting this”, Charles whispers, his voice low and hushed. “Please darling, I want this as much as you do”.

True or not, Erik cannot allow such a thing to happen again.

“No, Charles- you’re too drunk to know what you want right now. You need to get some rest and we’ll talk in the morning”.

“Really?” Charles asks hopefully, leaning back to look into Erik’s eyes as Erik loosens his grip. “We can discuss this? You promise?”

It’s a lie, but Erik nods anyway. “Just get some sleep first”.

With seemingly hopeful assurance in mind Charles appears to be somewhat contented, as he flashes Erik a tipsy smile and steps a little further away, allowing Erik to begin to lead him towards the bedroom. Perhaps the suggestion of such is what has prompted Charles to comply so easily, but he is soon left feeling disappointed when the actual sleeping arrangements are revealed.

“You take the bed, I’ll sleep on the sofa”, Erik says as soon as they are inside the bedroom, prompting Charles to immediately whirl around to look at Erik in indignation.

“Erik, no. Don’t be so silly. There’s more than enough room for both of us in the bed”.

“It’s not about the room, and I’m not changing my mind so don’t even think about arguing. Please just make yourself comfortable and get some rest, okay Charles?”

That ridiculous, completely disarming pout of Charles’ returns in full force, weakening Erik’s resolve but not destroying it entirely.

“You’re sure I can’t persuade you to join me?” Charles asks, continuing to gaze up at Erik in a manner that is somehow both petulant and teasing. “I promise I won’t hog the covers”.

Erik shakes his head. “Goodnight, Charles…”

Without giving Charles further opportunity to protest Erik turns and heads into the adjoining bathroom, deigning to hope that Charles will have heeded his request after all and that he will be busy crawling into bed at that very moment. To provide more time for the optimistic thought to become reality Erik lingers in the bathroom for a while, taking entirely longer than necessary brushing his teeth and then changing into the pyjama bottoms and jumper he fortunately left inside, before eventually he ventures back outside once more.

Mercifully, Erik’s expectation turns out to be correct. As soon as Erik re-enters the bedroom his eyes are immediately drawn to the sight of Charles tucked up safely in the bed, already fast asleep and snoring lightly- most likely as a result of the alcohol he’s consumed. Nearby on the floor Erik can see Charles’ shoes, socks, trousers, and shirt- something that instantly prompts a stir of arousal in Erik’s groin that he immediately tries to ignore. It would be so easy for Erik to walk over and crawl under the covers, to pull Charles’ small frame against his body so he can bury his face in Charles’ neck and inhale the scent of him, so he can press kisses to Charles’ soft skin to hear him moan. It’s everything Erik wants but he knows that ultimately such a thing might destroy him, because Erik has already lost something he loves once before and it nearly killed him then, and he doesn’t think he could do it again. It’s easier for Erik to end this thing before it has truly begun, and to stop any feelings he might have for Charles before they have fully developed.

“Good night, Liebling…” Erik murmurs, gazing at Charles’ relaxed, sleeping form.

Charles doesn’t say anything in response, but Erik is sure that for a moment his lips draw up in the hint of a smile.


	4. Chapter 4

 

 

That night, Erik doesn’t sleep.

There are moments, here and there, when Erik will drift off, when he will close his eyes and wake to find the shadows reflected on the ceiling have moved, stretching across from wall to wall like spectral hands reaching out. On every one of those occasions Erik will turn towards his bedroom door, towards the room where he knows Charles is sleeping, and wish he had the conviction to get up and go inside. Each time though he remains where he is, lying prone on the sofa, the palm of one hand pressed over his chest, almost like he is trying to hide something within.

Because although Erik wants to be with Charles, and not just in some carnal sense but just _be_ with him, hold him, treasure him, he knows he cannot. Charles is asleep, intoxicated, vulnerable, and to take advantage would almost make Erik feel as if he is as bad as the worst men he has ever known. And so, Erik stays on the sofa, listens to the ticking sound of the clock that signals each passing minute, and hopes that each fragment of sleep he attains will sustain him until he can rest once more.

 

In the morning Erik awakens with the growing light of day. For as long as Erik can remember he has been an early riser, both during the decade he spent in his childhood home as well as during the subsequent years when such routine was made mandatory, and consequently he is accustomed to starting his day whilst most others continue to sleep. Charles appears to be one such person, because as Erik withdraws from the sofa and quickly changes into the athletic wear he left folded over one of the kitchen stools, there is no sound at all coming from inside the bedroom, save for the occasional huff of gentle breathing.

When Erik runs that day he does so as if he is attempting to run away from his problems, but no matter how far he travels, how many minutes he spends racing across the mansion grounds under the gaze of the slowly rising sun, it makes no difference. Erik knows that when he returns to his small apartment Charles will be there, and he will most likely want to talk about what almost happened last night- like Erik promised they could. Every time Erik thinks of it he remembers Charles’ body pressed against his own, remembers Charles gazing up at him- lips slowly parting in the invitation of a kiss. It’s a memory that has plagued Erik all night and one that still shows no flaws when held up the harsh light of day, and more than once Erik considers what it would have been like to just have let the moment happen, and whether he may get the opportunity to do so again in the future.

It’s still early when Erik returns to the garage, no sound coming from the nearby mansion to suggest that its residents have begun to rise yet. The tranquillity extends to the inside of the apartment, because as Erik wanders into the living room, still out of breath and perspiring significantly from his run, there are no signs of life or sounds to suggest Charles has awoken. It seems like the perfect scenario- an opportunity for Erik to enter the bedroom and head straight through to the adjoining bathroom so that he can shower before getting changed into his clothes for the day- but, like most situations in Erik’s life, it doesn’t quite work out…

As soon as Erik enters the room he glances over towards the bed just once, intending only to confirm that Charles is indeed sleeping before he continues into the bathroom, but immediately he stops short. Erik forgot to draw the curtains last night meaning that the soft glow of early light is spread across the bed, illuminating where Charles is lying sprawled on his side, his face pressed into one of the pillows. Charles’ legs are at an angle, spread so that his hips are tilted towards where Erik is standing, meaning Erik can clearly see Charles’ crotch, and the undeniable bulge filling out his underwear.

Erik’s mouth dries at the sight. It’s compelling enough just _seeing_ Charles wearing very little clothing, never mind seeing him when he is vulnerable and sleep worn, but knowing he is hard too just about puts Erik over the edge. Erik’s heart begins to thud erratically within his chest, perhaps more frantically than it did when he was running earlier, and it soon becomes clear where all that extra blood is being pumped as Erik feels his cock start to harden, most likely only too evidently given he neglected to put on underwear earlier and his sweatpants aren’t exactly that forgiving. Everything Erik has ever wanted is right there in front of him, and though his body clearly wants it his mind isn’t quite ready to give in.

Charles is all freckles and soft skin and he’s good and sweet and kind, and Erik wants nothing more than to crawl onto the mattress beside him, to press his mouth against the sensitive skin just behind Charles’ ear and whisper to him that he’s finally ready to surrender; to give in to everything they could be. But as Erik sees everything Charles is he knows everything he isn’t. He knows that, where Charles’ thighs may be smooth and surprisingly muscular, his own are equally athletic but marked with more than a hundred days and nights of suffering. He knows that his very bones are warped by all the ways they have been broken and poorly reset. He knows that within his chest his heart is like a chasm, an aching loneliness that comes as part of knowing that he will never be loved, because he has lost the ability to love himself. To allow anything to happen with Charles would be like taking something from him, like gradually stealing oxygen from a burning flame until it withers and dies. Erik may be many things, but he knows he could never allow himself to be a burden. And so, though his body wants it, though his heart does too, Erik turns away and walks into the bathroom.

 

It takes a considerably lengthy shower to rid Erik of thoughts of Charles, and even then he is not entirely sated. Normally for Erik washing is very much brisk and efficient, merely a way to clean and refresh before continuing with the day, but on this occasion it’s much easier to linger, to think of Charles’ soft skin, to picture his face, to covet his touch. More than once Erik finds himself reaching down to grasp his cock, his breathing laboured as he draws his hand up and down the length briskly, as if he believes the desire he feels for Charles is something that just can be expended and shook off. It can’t though, Erik knows that, and the realisation very much hits home during the aftermath of his climax, when he stands there shaking, gazing at the small indents in his forearm from where he bit down in an attempt to keep from moaning Charles’ name as he came, thoughts of Charles still very much present.

Fortunately when Erik returns to the bedroom Charles appears not to have been disturbed. He is exactly as he was, save for the fact that he has now rolled onto his front fully, which is a small mercy at best considering how glorious Charles’ arse is and how much it prompts Erik to stare. But by some miracle Erik manages to tear himself away from the sight, though only after he has cautiously approached the bed and has reached down to pick up the blanket Charles threw off in his sleep, draping it over Charles’ sleeping form and trying to resist the urge to press a fond kiss to his temple.

There is part of Erik that is somewhat unsure as to what to do next. It’s probable that the most sensible course of action would be to leave the apartment before Charles even wakes up, perhaps heading down into the garage to commence work for the day, but the idea of Charles waking up and perhaps not being able to remember what happened the previous night is worrying, particularly when there’s a chance he might look at himself semi-undressed in Erik’s bed and presume the worst. And so, Erik remains close by. He makes coffee and for a while just sits quietly, reading through the last few pages of the book Charles lent him. But early morning exertions have left Erik in need of greater sustenance, and as his stomach begins to make itself known he decides it’s time to make a start on breakfast.

Evidently that’s what draws Charles from bed. Erik has just finished cooking and is busy placing plates down on the breakfast table when he hears the sound of the bedroom door opening and turns to regard the sight of Charles shuffling slowly into the kitchen. It would be disarming enough just to see Charles looking so adorably sleep-rumpled, but when Erik notices that Charles is wearing one of Erik’s sweatshirts he trembles so noticeably that for a moment there’s an odd kind of hum as all the knives and forks on the table briefly vibrate. The garment isn’t one Erik wears very often because it’s slightly too large on him, but on Charles it swamps him considerably, making Charles seem even more slight and confoundingly cute than usual.

“Charles…” Erik murmurs quietly.

In response Charles smiles, the expression warm as always but lacking some of its usual enthusiasm, which Erik puts down to the earliness of the hour.

“Good morning, Erik. Um, I hope you don’t mind me borrowing your jumper… My shirt smells rather like someone has just dipped it in a barrel full of whiskey”. Charles takes a seat at the breakfast table, smiling expectantly at Erik as he adds: “I realise I have you to thank for looking after me last night, and ensuring I had somewhere to sleep. However I’m not going to say that I was disappointed to wake up alone… We really should do something about this chivalrous nature of yours- I’m finding it to be terribly attractive and it’s only making me want you more”.

It’s always surprising to Erik how easily such disclosures come to Charles, as if he is so sure of himself that he can flirt shamelessly without fear of rejection. The understanding suggests to Erik that Charles is likely someone who has never lacked for company of a romantic nature, and he is unsurprised to feel a certain creeping feeling of jealously run through his body at the realisation.

“It’s… fine…” Erik says eventually. “It looks much better on you anyway”.

“Why thank you, darling”, Charles replies happily. He looks so at home sitting at the dining table, as if that is where he has always belonged, and before Erik can even think to question his actions he is placing his plate of food down in front of Charles before turning away to retrieve another serving for himself.

“So, you slept out here?” Charles asks, apparently through a mouthful of food given his speech is slightly mumbled.

“Yes…”

“Why?”

Erik sighs. “Charles, you know why...”

“Is it because I have a tendency to steal all the covers?”

“No, Charles…”

“Is it because I like to cuddle in bed?”

“No, Charles…”

“Is it because I sleep so soundly I’m told it’s not unusual for me to sleep through alarms, earthquakes, and bombs being dropped?”

“No, Charles…”

“Oh…” Charles replies, lapsing into silence for a few moments before he continues: “Well then I suppose it’s to do with this thing that keeps happening between us- where you pull away from me because you’re fighting some sort of internal battle between what you want and what you think you deserve”.

Erik turns at Charles’ words, initially glaring until he catches sight of the almost vulnerable expression on Charles’ face and any annoyance he’s feeling starts to fade. Though Erik hoped to avoid the subject entirely it’s clear such a thing isn’t going to be possible, and consequently there’s nothing else Erik can do but take a seat at the breakfast table opposite Charles, intending to begin eating until Charles reaches over and Erik’s attention is compromised.

Charles grasps Erik’s hand cautiously, fingers just lightly entwining with Erik’s own, his thumb brushing gently across the top of Erik’s knuckles. The contact is so simple yet so spellbinding, and for a moment Erik is dismayed to realise that he cannot remember the last time he sat with someone like this. But then he recalls the occasion, remembers sitting with his mother in their small kitchen in their house in Germany, when she held Erik’s hand as she told him that they all had to go on a little trip- that they were being relocated to Poland. She had made it sound so calm, so matter of fact- clearly not wanting to frighten Erik- but even now Erik can remember the look of fear in her eyes and the way her fingers trembled.

“Erik…” Charles says gently, squeezing Erik’s hand.

“I’m not good enough for you”, Erik replies, still staring down. “Is that what you want to hear? You and I are worlds apart Charles, and I know there’s no place for me in your life- not really”.

Erik’s gaze travels from his fingers to his wrist and higher up, staring at where six numbers are etched into the skin of his forearm in indelible black ink. The numbers are like a permanent reminder of everything that happened in the Auschwitz- an evil black stain, blurry from where the digits were tattooed into a still-growing form; harder to hide than the scars Erik covers but just as telling. The numbers tell Erik that he will always be that same little boy, the boy who spent so many days feeling like he was dying and nights wishing that he had, and Erik knows that person is someone no one can love.

But then there is Charles, who is sweet and kind and giving, Charles who speaks Erik’s name in soft whispers that sound like worship, Charles who places his palm firmly over Erik’s arm, blotting out the numbers and making Erik feel like he could almost allow himself to forget they are even there, just for a moment. Though Erik still feels like he has nothing he can offer for a short time that doesn’t matter, because it has never been clearer that Charles has no intention to just take.

“Erik, it seems to me like if there’s a decision to be made on that front then it’s mine, and I don’t think you’re not good enough for me at all. Yes, we’re different and we come from dissimilar places, but that could be entirely complimentary rather than conflicting. God knows I could stand to be brought down to earth a bit, and that’s hard to accomplish when I spend all of my time with the kind of privileged people who think that having a baby out of wedlock is the height of scandal. I’ve never fit in there, you understand Erik? Yes, I know I come from money and as such I’m accustomed to a certain lifestyle, but if they knew I was a mutant, if they knew I was-- um, that I like sleeping with men, then there’s no way they’d accept me. They’re shallow, Erik- dull and vapid and boring. You’re different, and that’s why I like you”.

“But what kind of future could we have, Charles?” Erik replies quietly, still transfixed by the sight of Charles’ hand on his arm. “You’re nineteen and you’re only here for the summer. In a matter of months you’ll be going back to Oxford”. Erik doesn’t mention the part of the problem that’s pertinent to him alone- that once he has uncovered the information he seeks he will be leaving and will most likely never see Charles again.

“Well, honestly Erik I try not to think too far ahead. Decisions can change on a dime and there’s no way of knowing what the future may bring. I prefer to live for the moment, and right now all I want is to be with you. I’m not asking for any kind of commitment from you, or assurance that we’re going to spend the rest of our lives together until we’re old and grey and you’re pushing me around the grounds of the mansion in a wheelchair. All I want, really, is to date you. I understand that such a request is at most entirely impractical, particularly when you consider that if we were to be seen ‘dating’ it would undoubtedly cause undue complications for the both of us, but instead we can just do this- we can be here, in your apartment, where there is no one to answer to but each other”.

Charles squeezes Erik’s arm, prompting him to look up, and the expression on Charles’ face is so honest, so hopeful, that Erik knows to say no would be like a lie of omission on his part. Because this is what Erik wants, in spite of all of the reasons why he feels like he shouldn’t. Charles is right of course- there’s no point planning for a future that you may not have, and no use restricting yourself in the present. Doubts still surge within Erik’s mind, but for a moment all he really, truly wants is just to make Charles happy.

“Alright…”

Charles blinks in surprise, before a strange kind of goofy smile begins to spread across his face.

“Wait, do you mean ‘alright’ as in ‘yes- we’re doing this’?”

Erik nods. “Yes”.

Without another word he slides his arm out from under Charles’ hand and reaches for his fork, keeping his attention focused solely on the plate in front of him as he begins to eat. After a moment though the silence becomes extremely distracting and Erik is prompted to look at Charles again, seeing that he hasn’t moved and that he is still staring at Erik with the same look of joyful disbelief on his face.

“Charles, eat your breakfast…” Erik grumbles.

Charles only hesitates for a moment before complying.

 

After that, it’s surprising how much simpler everything becomes. Now Erik no longer feels like he is constantly monitoring his behaviour around Charles it is so much easier to spend time with him, to enjoy a long, leisurely breakfast as they eat delicious food and drink cups of tea and coffee and chat at length about books and movies and favourite interests. Certainly Erik has spoken to Charles like this before on all of those occasions when Charles came to visit him in the garage, but those encounters were charged with sexual tension and though there is still an undercurrent of excitement in the air this time Erik no longer feels like his desire for Charles is something that needs to be masked.

Erik is sure it will still take him some time to be relaxed enough to be able to flirt as unashamedly as Charles does, to smile and tease him, to reach for Charles as easily as Charles reaches for him. But evidently that is something Charles is aware of too, because he’s never presumptuous, he never pushes for too much. If anything the arrangement between the two of them is like a shy kind of courtship, like the ones Erik once saw in the old black and white movies his mother used to like. It’s nice and it’s unthreatening, and it allows Erik to feel as relaxed in Charles’ presence as he has ever been, certain that Charles has no lewd expectations.

Such a thing is never more evident than when, a few hours later, Charles is preparing to leave. Erik walks him to the door, still charmed by how cute Charles looks in the oversized sweatshirt- something Erik has allowed him to keep for now given that Charles’ own clothes do indeed seem like they have been given some kind of alcohol bath. Charles pauses at the door and turns to smile at Erik, before asking coquettishly if he can have a goodbye kiss.

Instantly Erik’s heart begins to race, because although he and Charles have engaged in a sexual act before this somehow seems more intimate, particularly when Erik considers how few other people he has actually kissed in the past. Immediately he freezes, standing with his back pressed up against the wall, watching mutely as Charles steps closer- approaching slowly and cautiously, giving Erik all the time in the world to pull away. Erik doesn’t, because although he’s more nervous than he’s felt in years he knows that this is something he wants, and most importantly he knows that Charles would never hurt him or make him do something he was uncomfortable with.

Charles places both hands flat on Erik’s chest as he rises up on his tiptoes, his eyelids lowering and his lips parting as he leans in for the kiss, and when their mouths connect Erik remembers that there are moments in life capable of being as pure and satisfying as this. Charles’ lips feel soft and sensual as they tentatively brush against Erik’s own, taking in the sigh Erik gives out as he opens his mouth and takes Erik’s bottom lip between both of his own. It’s not the most scandalous of engagements- a demonstrably chaste kiss to the outside observer- but still the encounter has Erik feeling breathless and lightheaded and _aroused_ , his cock already half-hard and pushing against his trousers. Eventually the kiss becomes almost too dizzying, too intense, and Erik pulls away from the contact, turning instead to hide his face in Charles’ neck as he wraps his arms around Charles’ body. The too-large sweatshirt Charles is wearing has fallen down slightly, meaning Erik is free to press his face into soft skin adorned with a constellation of freckles, like glowing stardust on Charles’ shoulder.

As Erik breathes there Charles lets out a quiet laugh, and for a moment Erik’s gut twists up as he considers how pathetic he must seem- weak and shaky and desperately turned on from little more than a simple kiss. But then he realises that the sound is not meant to mock, it’s an expression of joy, of giddy disbelief at something that Charles probably thought might never happen.

“Finally…” Charles murmurs happily, confirming the fact.

It would be so easy for Erik to stay there, to keep Charles in his arms always, but though he is allowing himself to be with Charles in one sense Erik knows he still needs to hold back a little, fearful of falling into something he will have no hope of crawling out of. He and Charles are friends. They are now friends who kiss. It doesn’t need to get any more complicated than that.

“You should go…” Erik says, lifting his head and removing his arms from around Charles’ waist. “I have work to do”.

This time Charles only pouts a little, something that immediately has Erik wanting to lean closer to press his mouth to that silly prominent lower lip. Instead though Erik steps back, putting the distance he needs between Charles and himself, and wondering how long he will be able to maintain it this time.

 

The following week is full of days just like that, days that seem to Erik as warm and as pleasant as the balmy summer air around them, days that are unlike anything Erik has experienced in recent memory. During the daytime Erik works in the garage, services cars, and does any other tasks required of him as part of his position as a mechanic. In his free moments he continues to survey the mansion looking for information about the Xavier labs, and finally he begins to make some headway with his plan. Thanks to Charles’ suggestion that Erik should ingratiate himself more with his fellow employees Erik finds himself invited to various social occasions with the other staff members, and realises that there is more that can be learnt from simple conversation than there can from covert surveillance.

It seems that a number of the mansion’s employees have worked for the family for years, and consequently they are privy to all sorts of information about the goings-on within the household. Granted, some of the things Erik hears seem more like wild speculation than anything else- rumours of shady experiments run by secretive men- but Erik has lived through enough to know that even the most unseemly and unlikely things can often be true. And so, Erik spends time with his colleagues, he attends social events and poker nights and evenings out, and gradually he learns more and waits to find the truth in it.

Of course, though Erik knows he should be completely focused on the task at hand, Charles is an ever-present distraction. Now that Erik has more or less agreed for them to start dating Charles is a frequent visitor, even more than he was before, and his presence is always welcome. It happens in the evenings most of all. In order to keep up appearances Erik insists that Charles stay away during the daytime whilst he is working, but when the night draws in Charles leaves the mansion and travels the short distance to Erik’s apartment.

To begin with such meetings are always wholesome and innocent- they will sit together and exchange ideas and talk about what they have each done that day- but running through everything is an undercurrent of electricity, apparent every time Charles smiles at Erik or says his name in that hushed, awed way he does sometimes. It’s almost impossible for Erik to resist the urge to reach out for Charles, to pull him close and hold him, to breathe him in and draw comfort from the warmth of his body. But Erik knows he needs to be cautious, he needs to show restraint, it’s just very difficult to maintain such conviction when Charles is always so tactile and so amorous.

There are numerous times when they end the night sprawled across the small sofa in Erik’s apartment- Erik lying on his back with Charles plastered to his front, Charles’ legs spread open so that their bodies interlock in a perfect fit. Charles kisses Erik like he has all the time in the world to do so, like there is nothing else he would rather do- and it’s intense and it’s heady and it’s drugging, and it always results in Charles’ hands beginning to wander. But as soon as Erik feels Charles begin to pull at his clothing he stops him, not because he doesn’t want to be with Charles like that but because he fears what it might mean. They have only had sex once before, and if Erik were to allow more of the same to happen he knows in some ways it would make him feel like he was using Charles, given the secrets he still keeps. More than that, Erik doesn’t want to admit the truth- that he is terrified.

It is one thing to receive some meaningless blowjob from Charles like what happened before, but the problem is that’s never what it was. Even that act was more intimate than anything else Erik has ever experienced, and he knows things will only get more intense as their involvement continues. There are times when Erik can think of nothing more perfect that the idea of slowly peeling Charles’ clothing off, of pressing kisses to every millimetre of his skin, of touching him and pleasuring him until he moans in helpless abandon. But thinking it and doing it are two entirely different things, and for now Erik lacks the courage. And so, Erik continues to hold Charles, to kiss Charles, but to keep him at a distance as he tries to pretend he hasn’t noticed how uncomfortably hard they both get when they lie together.

All along Erik can’t help but wonder when the day will come when Charles tires of the arrangement, but evidently Charles must be satisfied with the nature of their involvement because every night becomes an increasing challenge to get him to go home. Every evening Charles asks to stay, almost begs in fact- as if he actually fears returning to the mansion- but Erik never relents. Having Charles sleep in his bed would be entirely too tempting, and Erik doesn’t want to take the risk. And so, though Charles may grumble and complain and sometimes sulk in that adorable way he does sometimes, in the end he gives up and Erik walks him to the door, and they share one last kiss before Charles departs.

In a relatively short time the routine becomes so commonplace that Erik comes to expect it, to want it, and eventually to need it- so much so that the day when Charles doesn’t come to visit proves to be very hard to handle. For a while Erik just assumes that Charles might be running a bit late, and so he settles down in front of the television and tries to distract himself with whatever’s on, but the attempt proves futile. It’s almost an hour after the time when Charles normally arrives, and though they have no set arrangement in place Erik can’t help but be troubled by Charles’ absence. There could easily be a perfectly reasonable explanation, such as that Charles has plans that he neglected to mention, but nevertheless there is this small, crawling doubt running up Erik’s spine, one that tells him to be wary, one that he has listened to since that day in Shaw’s office when he lost everything he cared about.

 

A short while later Erik is following the path that leads to the mansion, with every step hoping to see Charles move out of the darkness in front of him, safe and well. There’s no reason to assume that anything bad has happened to Charles but nevertheless Erik can’t suppress the steadily rising alarm within his mind, the sound like a crescendo of noise battering his senses. Charles has to be alright, he _has_ to be, but with each second that passes Erik can’t help but succumb a little bit more to his worst fears; to the voice that tells him he was foolish to ever embark on this affair with Charles- not when it could never last for long.

Erik makes it all the way to the mansion without seeing Charles, and the quiet scene at the back of the building gives no indication as to what might have drawn Charles’ attention away. There are so many rooms and Erik would have expected to see at least some of the lights on betraying signs of life within, but for some reason on this particular night the mansion is still and silent, something that, in light of the circumstances, seems ominous to say the least. Erik has never set foot within the large house before, particularly as he knows his presence wouldn’t be welcome by anyone but Charles, but he also knows that he won’t hesitate to venture within if it means he might be able to reassure himself that Charles is okay.

As Erik approaches the rear of the mansion he uses his powers to mentally trace all of the metal in the immediate vicinity, readying himself to take on any perilous situation that might be about to befall him. It’s something Erik has done numerous times before, most significantly of which when he finally caught up to Shaw nearly a year ago, when he used his powers to slowly compress Shaw’s head until it exploded- a deadly act that was supposed to represent an end to Erik’s inner turmoil but somehow never did. Erik has never been one to hesitate when it comes to using lethal force and he knows that, if it becomes necessary, he will use such measures to help Charles too.

But before Erik can even think to act he is halted by the sight of the mansion’s back door opening, and then Charles is there and Erik feels the relief wash over him like warm water. Erik realises that perhaps there was nothing to worry about after all- perhaps Charles really was just running late- and as a result Erik can’t help but shrink back into the shadows cast by the trees surrounding the path, feeling somewhat embarrassed for having reacted so hastily. In a short while Charles will walk over and see Erik and Erik knows he will have to explain himself, but he’s sure he can take the teasing as long as he gets to end the night with Charles in his arms.

Erik is just contemplating such a thing as Charles begins to walk down the steps at the rear of the mansion, but it’s soon becomes clear that something is wrong. As Erik watches Charles he feels his skin begin to prickle uncomfortably as Charles stumbles down the steps, hands grasping at the railing as he does so, his movements slow and sluggish. Even from a distance Erik can see how different Charles looks- how his skin is blanched and pasty, how his eyes appear to be ringed with dark circles. Something has happened to Charles, something unsettling, and Erik’s stomach churns with uncertainty as he contemplates what it might be.

Every part of Erik is aching with the desire to run over to Charles and help him, to pull him close and hold him and ask him what’s wrong, but horrifyingly Erik finds that he cannot move. Quickly though Erik realises it’s probably a good thing he’s frozen in place as it means he remains unnoticed as someone else exits the mansion- an older, dark haired man with a beard who Erik has never seen before. The man shouts after Charles, the words unintelligible from where Erik is standing, and as Charles turns around to answer it’s clear that the stranger’s presence is unwelcome. Erik has never seen Charles upset before much less angry, but in that moment Erik sees it- the hostility and hatred written on his face. Charles responds in turn, the majority of the words lost but the intent clear anyway- an instruction for the man to leave Charles alone, an instruction that is not obeyed.

The stranger steps forward and seizes Charles under one arm, and Erik feels his blood begin to boil, memories of every unwanted contact he has ever received screaming through his mind. There’s a string of metal lights hanging across the courtyard and slowly they begin to unwind as Erik prepares them for use- a way to protect Charles, whatever that may ultimately mean. Erik knows it then- how far he’s fallen in spite all efforts to the contrary, how much he needs and values Charles, how far he’d be willing to go to ensure Charles’ safety. It’s too late to turn back, and all Erik can do now is forge forward, and hope Charles is with him every step of the way.

But just as quickly as the threat became apparent it disappears. Charles continues to glare at the bearded stranger and suddenly the man recoils, the palm of one hand pressed to his forehead as he backs away towards the door. Within less than a minute he is back inside and the door is closing, and Erik loosens his hold on the metal lights as he once again prepares himself for the moment when Charles will join him on the path. Unfortunately though, that doesn’t happen.

As soon as Charles is alone once more he turns and continues to head down the steps, his movements still shaky and uncontrolled but determined. When he reaches the bottom of the stairs Erik expects that Charles will turn and head in the direction of his apartment, finding Erik there waiting for him, but instead Charles begins to walk in the opposite direction. It’s disconcerting- Erik has never known Charles not to come to him, and even after the unexpected events of this evening he’d still presumed that they would be able to spend the rest of the night together- but for some reason Charles instead walks further away.

For a moment Erik kids himself with the idea that he could just turn around and go back to his apartment, deciding that whatever is going on with Charles is his business and it’s nothing for Erik to interfere in. But deep-down Erik knows that, even a week or more ago, he never would have done such a thing. His and Charles’ lives are intertwined now, there is an undeniable link keeping them together, and so Erik follows Charles without question- as easily as standing on the bow of a ship and jumping into the ocean below.

 


	5. Chapter 5

 

 

The oppressive night provides no assistance as Erik hurries after Charles, the moon dim and insignificant and giving out very little light. Erik can sense Charles’ presence just ahead of himself, can feel the erratic rhythm of Charles’ pulse against the metal strap of his watch, but as yet he cannot see him. In truth it is so dark Erik is sure he wouldn't be able to see Charles were they standing right in front of each other, but nevertheless he wants to see him, to know if he's alright.

What happened earlier is still playing through Erik's mind as he cuts through a dense copse of trees in order to reach Charles, hoping to close the distance so he can speak to Charles and get the answers he seeks. Within a short while Erik catches up, but it soon becomes evident that Erik is unlikely to gain any kind of resolution tonight. Erik steps out in front of Charles, hoping that Charles' immediate response will be to move closer and wrap his arms around Erik like he has so many times before, but to Erik's consternation instead Charles instantly recoils.

“Erik! I, um... What are you doing here?” Charles asks. Though he has come to a halt Charles still wobbles uncertainly, making Erik ache with a desire to reach out and hold him.

“I wanted to see if you were alright... You didn't come to see me”.

“Oh gosh, yes- I'm sorry. I, um, I was intending to visit you but something came up and I know I should have told you but-- ah--"

Charles’ words fade away to nothing and in the wake of them Charles suddenly groans, lifting both hands to press his palms hard against his temples, as if he is trying to quell something unsettling within his mind. Erik has never really felt the effects of Charles using his mutation before but he has to wonder if it's something like this, because in the next second Erik starts to sense something like images forming in his periphery, thoughts and feelings that are alien to Erik's mind.

“Erik, ah-- You should-- you should stay away from me. Please, Erik- I don't want to hurt you”.

“Hurt me? Charles, what's happening?”

“Please, Erik”, Charles begs, starting to back away. “Please, it isn't safe”.

“Charles talk to me- tell me what's wrong. Who was that man you were with? What did he do to you?”

In response Charles can only shake his head frantically, withdrawing further until Erik reaches out to grasp his arm, preventing Charles from leaving. The contact seems to make Charles panic further and as he riles the pictures within Erik's head begin to intensify- images of a cold, clinical lab and needles piercing flesh and the taste of blood and bile and chemicals. The memories are ones that have haunted Erik for years now, but this time they seem different, foreign, almost like they don't belong to him at all.

“Charles, what happened to you...?” Erik asks with abject horror, cold dread creeping up his spine.

If there's an answer forming within Charles' mind it is kept at bay, because in the next second Charles groans once more and his eyes roll back, and Erik only has just enough time to reach out to catch him before he falls.

 

Fortunately Charles' loss of consciousness happens only a short walk away from Erik's apartment, and therefore it doesn't take long for Erik to carry him there. As soon as they are inside Erik takes Charles into the bedroom, laying him down on the mattress gently and feeling unbelievably dismayed at how slight and vulnerable Charles looks. Clearly something is deeply wrong because Charles’ skin is extremely cold to touch and his limbs are trembling and he is still unconscious, and worst of all Erik is still experiencing an onset of images flashing through his mind- fragments of stolen sight that Erik is now sure are coming from Charles.

Clearly something has happened to interfere with Charles’ telepathy, something that is making it hard for Charles to control his powers, and though Erik wants to know what it is more than that he just wants Charles to be okay, to wake up, to stop shaking. Erik feels helpless, hopeless, unable to do anything but sit on the bed next to Charles, reaching to gently push his hair back from his forehead as Charles whimpers quietly. It's warm in the room but Charles' skin is still freezing, and so Erik retrieves an extra blanket from the nearby airing cupboard and carries it over towards the bed, draping it over Charles' body to provide warmth and comfort.

It seems like forever that Erik sits there watching over Charles. Erik holds Charles' hand between both of his own, feeling the blood surging through Charles' veins- something that the unique nature of Erik's mutation allows him to behold. The composition of blood is something that Erik is more than familiar with and though the substance is unique to each individual person there are always similarities, but this time it is different. Erik can feel the iron in Charles’ blood but there's something else there too- something strange and artificial and chemical, something that does not belong.

“Charles, what happened to you...” Erik murmurs quietly.

In response there is only a small muffled noise from Charles, but one of his hands moves to grasp at the front of Erik's shirt, fingers clenching the material once before releasing. Though Erik cannot be sure it seems like a plea, like a request for Erik to remain close by, and Erik knows truthfully there is nowhere he would rather be than with Charles.

 

Erik doesn't remember falling asleep, but evidently he must because the next thing he knows he is waking to find that the temperature in the room has dropped by several degrees, likely as a result of the now-open window that allows a cool breeze to filter in from outside. It takes a while for Erik to return to full consciousness, to revive and recollect- particularly given how comfortable he is- but then he remembers where he is, what happened earlier, and comfort gives way to alarm. The fact that it is pitch dark in the room when Erik opens his eyes confirms that it is still very late at night, making the fact that Charles is gone seem even more surprising, and troubling.

It doesn’t take long for Erik to clamber off the bed and stumble over to the bedroom door, not knowing where he is going only knowing that he will do whatever it takes to find Charles. In a matter of seconds the door flies open on account of Erik’s powers, and as soon as Erik catches sight of Charles standing in the kitchen the relief he feels is unsurmountable. Of course, Erik soon wishes he’d been a bit gentler with the door as the force with which it was opened causes it to bang very loudly against the wall on the opposite side, clearly startling Charles who jumps very noticeably and spills the cup of liquid he is holding all over himself.

“Ah, bugger!” Charles exclaims, hastily depositing his cup before he reaches for a cloth and uses it to dab at the stain steadily spreading across the front of his shirt. “Oh gosh, as if staining my new button down wasn’t bad enough I’ve just wasted a perfectly good cup of tea…”

“Charles, are you alright?” Erik asks, advancing quickly across the room towards him.

“Oh I’m fine- the tea wasn’t too hot, and I’m sure the stain will come out”.

“Charles I’m not talking about that, I’m talking about what happened earlier”. As soon as Erik reaches Charles he uses both hands to gently cup his face, brushing his thumbs against Charles’ jawline as he gazes into his eyes, and immediately Charles’ expression softens, undeniable feeling evident there in the depths of his irises.

“Charles, what happened?” Erik asks softly. Little more than a week ago Erik knows he would have probably been embarrassed to be fawning over Charles so unashamedly, but the events of the early evening have left him forlorn and needy, and suddenly keeping up the walls Erik has built around himself no longer feels like a priority.

“Oh, um, yes- I suppose I should probably explain myself...” Charles mumbles, gazing up at Erik. He seems so small and so fragile, and not for the first time Erik finds that his gut twists with righteous anger at the thought that someone might have hurt him.

Erik's hands move down to squeeze Charles' shoulders.

“Charles, you don't have to do anything you don't want to, but I'd really like to understand what's going on. I... I'm worried about you...”

For a brief, devastating moment it almost looks like Charles is about to cry, but then he drops his gaze and lets out a low sigh, before nodding once.

“Okay... Can we sit down? And, um, can I have some more tea?”

“Yes, Liebling- of course”, Erik replies.

The endearment comes out without Erik having realised it, and it's something he would normally have kept to himself. But then Erik sees the light of recognition flit across Charles' face, a sweet and warm smile that temporarily removes some of the distress from Charles’ expression, and Erik realises that sometimes being unguarded has its own rewards.

 

A short while later Erik is sat at the kitchen table, alongside Charles who is cradling a hot cup of tea in his hands, the steam from which is slowly billowing into the air. It’s been a while since Charles has said anything but Erik doesn't want to push him, hoping to offer the same kind of patience to Charles that Charles has shown him every day since they first met. The only issue is that Charles’ silence allows Erik to speculate, to contemplate the answers to every question he has, and though Erik would still like Charles to confirm his suspicions he already feels like he knows enough.

The whole reason Erik even came to be at the Xavier mansion in the first place was to investigate the rumours surrounding the house- whispers of shady experiments conducted on mutants against their will during the time in which Charles' father Brian was alive. Erik has always assumed that all he'd ever be able to get from his investigation at the mansion was retrospective information- perhaps access to files and documents that detail past events- but increasingly Erik is beginning to feel like whatever is going on might have more bearing on the present than he first thought.

“I never wanted you to see me like this...” Charles says eventually, his gaze focused solely on the cup in his hands. “I thought this was something I could keep from you but I guess I was wrong. My father always did say there are no secrets that time does not reveal...”

“Were you and your father close?”

Charles lets out a sad sigh. “We were... He always loved me, supported me, accepted me for who I was. As soon as he learnt I was a mutant he decided to dedicate his career into investigating mutations so he could find others out there, so I didn't have to be alone. Of course that work only lasted for a matter of months before he died, due to an accident in his lab. For years afterwards the labs remained dormant, the secrets of my father's work locked away from prying eyes, but then my mother remarried and everything changed”.

Erik sits upright, realisation creeping over him as he thinks back over what he saw at the mansion.

“Is that who that man was?” Erik asks. “Is he your stepfather?”

“Yes...” Charles replies with a small nod. “Kurt Marko. I was always taught that it's improper to speak ill of your elders, but take it from me- the man's a complete arsehole. He used to work with my father. We didn't see him for years after he died but then one day Kurt came back, and within a matter of months he and my mother were married and Kurt was living with us. I knew from the start that his intentions weren't good, but initially I thought that was just because he was more interested in my mother’s money than anything else. Later I realised there was a bigger problem- Kurt's ruthless ambition when it comes to researching the fabled mutant gene...”

Charles pauses for a moment and for a while Erik can only stare at him, heartsick and hopeless as he regards the pained expression on Charles’ face, displayed by the way his teeth are slowly gnawing at his lower lip. In response Erik can't help but move closer, shifting on this chair so that his shoulder presses companionably against Charles', and being rewarded when Charles turns his head and flashes Erik a small, affectionate smile.

“You smell nice...” Charles murmurs, moving to rest his head against Erik's shoulder.

“Charles, you're changing the subject...” Erik replies, smiling in spite of himself at how sweet Charles looks.

“Mm, I know- I'm sorry... It’s just that I know you're not going to like what I'm about to tell you so I'm trying to delay it”.

“Charles just tell me...”

Charles sighs again before continuing.

“Erik, you know I said Kurt used to work with my father? Well, as soon as he moved in it immediately became clear that he was hoping to pick up where they left off- he wanted to reopen the labs and recommence the research, only this time he wanted me to be considerably more involved. I didn't realise what that meant at first- I thought he just wanted blood samples or something like that- but I was wrong...”

“He's experimenting on you, isn’t he Charles?” Erik asks. “Your stepfather is forcing you to take part in the research?”

“Yes...”

“But why can't you stop him? You're a telepath, Charles. I know you're young but you're undoubtedly more powerful than any baseline human”.

“It's not that simple Erik...”

“Why not?”

“Because... Because of Raven...”

“Your sister?” Erik asks, frowning as Charles moves to sit upright once more.

Charles nods. “Yes... You understand she's a mutant too, and she's younger than me, and I'd give my life to protect her. When Kurt first started talking about using mutants to further his research it wasn't just me he was interested in- he wanted to find more, having no idea of course that Raven was right under his nose the whole time. But I made a deal with Kurt- I said I would give him whatever he wanted as long as he promised not to seek out any other mutants”.

The idea of anyone taking advantage of Charles in any way immediately makes Erik's stomach churn and his jaw clench, but he bites down on his disgust in order to reply.

“Charles, that’s very admirable, but why does it have to come down to you protecting Raven like that at all? Can't you use your telepathy to deal with Kurt once and for all?”

“Erik, my life is more complicated than you know. If anything were to happen to Kurt it would only bring scrutiny on this house, the likes of which we cannot afford, not to mention the fact that it would devastate my mother. I may not care for her much but that's still not something I want- particularly when she has the ability to make my life very difficult... I can assure you, Erik- I’ve spent numerous nights obsessing over the idea of just packing my bags and leaving, taking Raven with me and disappearing to someplace far away, but to do that I need money and that's not something I have”.

Clearly the expression of incredulity on Erik's face must be extremely telling, as immediately Charles shoots Erik a wry look before he continues.

“Erik, I may come from money but that doesn’t mean I'm rich... If I did anything to dishonour this family my mother would disinherit me and leave me with nothing, and how could I care for Raven then? There's a trust fund in place for me but it doesn't mature until I turn twenty-one, and in the meantime I don't really have anything. I got into Oxford on a scholarship, and when I'm not studying I've been working- trying to earn enough money to afford a place for myself and Raven to live. I'm trying, I really am, but in the meantime there's really nothing I can do but keep my head down and wait until I'm able to leave”.

But that's not the only option, at least not how Erik sees it. There’s another kind of justice that can be served, one that's given out in harsh punishments and forceful actions, that results in ruined flesh and twisted, broken bones. As Erik considers it he feels his body tense, recalling the times when he has used such measures before, and knowing that he wouldn’t hesitate to do the same kind of thing again if it meant keeping Charles safe. Evidently though, Charles is not so supportive of such a course of action- something Erik discovers when the manner in which Erik is grinding his teeth gives away his disgust and Charles reacts to it.

“Erik...” Charles says gently, reaching over to squeeze Erik's knee. “Darling, I love that you're so protective of me, but I don't want you to be involved in this”.

“But how am I supposed to stay away?”

“I don’t know… But that’s what I want. Can you do that for me?”

It’s a ridiculous question, but of course Charles doesn’t realise quite _how_ ridiculous- because he doesn’t know about the secrets Erik is keeping, and how his reasons for taking an interest in Kurt and his experiments are not entirely to do with keeping Charles safe. If there was ever a moment to tell the truth and confess to Charles this would be it, but the words are stuck in Erik’s throat and he can’t get them out, and after a while Charles’ question just falls into the space in-between them, ignored by both parties.

Charles' hand travels further up Erik's leg, squeezing his thigh as he once more turns his face into Erik's chest, and Erik can't help but tilt his head down to inhale the sweet scent of Charles' hair, embracing all of the feelings that come with it. After a moment Charles sits upright once more, smiling at Erik softly as he says: “Listen, I'm sure we have a lot more to talk about but is it possible we could leave it until tomorrow? I'm really tired and I'd very much like to crawl into your big, comfy bed with you and get some sleep”.

It's an incredibly tempting offer, one that Erik very much wants to accept, but even though Erik aches with the desire to be close to Charles, to give into him completely, the idea of that still makes Erik feel unbelievably nervous, something that evidently Charles must pick up on...

“Erik...” Charles says softly. “You don't have to worry. I promise you my intentions are entirely wholesome. I just want to sleep- I want to stay here for tonight, because you... Erik, you make me feel so safe...”

In that moment Erik remembers all the times over the past week when Charles was so reluctant to go home, when he would beg Erik to let him stay the night, and suddenly Erik feels incredibly guilty to consider the reasons _why_ Charles didn't want to return to the mansion, and knows that he never wants to make Charles go back to that place ever again.

“Charles, of course you can stay...” Erik replies gently, giving Charles a fond smile. “In fact, I think I'd like that very much”.

 

The domestic simplicity of the next half hour or so is such that it prompts a feeling of warmth in Erik's chest, of joy and simple contentment. Though the events of the evening have been strange and somewhat harrowing there is comfort in venturing into the bedroom with Charles, in finding an old set of pyjamas for Charles to wear given his shirt is still damp from the tea spillage. Charles smiles gratefully and heads into the bathroom to change, prompting a certain stirring within Erik's groin as his mind lingers on the idea of Charles shedding clothing nearby, and the feelings of potent desire only intensify as Erik crawls into bed and knows that soon Charles will be joining him.

Erik has known Charles for almost a month now but they have never slept together, at least not in the purest sense. There's a certain kind of intimacy attained by sleeping in a bed next to someone, not just because of the physical closeness but because of the inherent vulnerability that it suggests, and Erik most of all recognises how significant the occasion is. It's been months since Erik has slept next to someone, years even, and though part of him is unbelievably excited at the prospect of being so close to Charles, he's nervous too. It seems appropriate to warn Charles, to advise him to watch out for errant elbows as a result of Erik's night terrors, but at the same time there's a part of Erik that doesn't want to risk doing anything to make Charles withdraw, not on this night.

And so, Erik flips back the covers and crawls into bed, lying down on his side and ensuring that he leaves enough room for Charles to join him. After a moment Erik hears the sound of water running briefly before shutting off, and then the door is opening and Charles is entering the room, his movements cloaked by the dim light in the room. Erik knows he should probably be more hospitable, that he should perhaps turn over to face Charles, maybe open his arms in an embrace, but there is security in regression, and so Erik remains where he is- shoulders hunched as he feels the mattress dip as Charles clambers onto it.

For a moment Erik can't breathe, too fearful as he is of saying or doing anything as Charles adjusts himself until he is comfortable, his feet bumping against Erik's legs briefly as he does so. But Charles did say he just wanted to sleep after all and Erik tells himself that perhaps he's feeling nervous for no reason- perhaps in a few minutes he will hear the sound of Charles' breathing as it grows slow and steady, and they will end the night without any complications whatsoever. Of course the illusion only lasts for a few moments, until Erik feels Charles move closer and his heart begins to race even more than before.

It starts off innocently at first. Charles shifts so he is lying on his side, the warmth of his form perceivable against Erik's back even though they aren't quite touching, and it's simple and uncomplicated and just about perfect. After a moment Erik relaxes, giving out the sigh that Charles takes in, easing into Charles' presence, allowing it to comfort him. It's strange how something so unusual can feel so natural, so familiar, so much like home, but Erik knows that this is how he feels with Charles, how he's always felt with Charles, and how he wants to feel for all time.

Erik would have thought that sleeping next to Charles would make him feel tense and unsettled, but remarkably it is only a matter of minutes before his eyes start to flicker shut, the exhaustion of the day making him feel drowsy and worn out. Charles’ presence is comforting, allowing Erik to relax for what feels like the first time in a long time. At least, he starts to, until he feels Charles move closer and suddenly he's wide awake again.

Charles shifts so that he is pressed snugly against Erik's back, one of his arms reaching to drape over Erik's waist, his hand just gently rubbing against Erik's stomach over his t-shirt. The contact is spellbinding enough but then Charles brings his face closer too, nudging his nose against the back of Erik's neck before starting to place kisses there.

“Charles...” Erik says quietly, a hint of warning in his voice.

“This is nice...” Charles murmurs happily, snuggling closer, apparently oblivious to the caution in Erik's tone. “Certainly preferable to going to sleep listening to the sound of my mother drunkenly knocking things over in the hallway as she makes her way to bed. It's so quiet here, so peaceful...”

It's comforting to be held in Charles' embrace, as if his arms are an anchor, keeping Erik in place. Erik wishes everything in life could just be this simple, that he could just lie there and be with Charles, without expectation or obligation, but against his backside Erik can feel something that has the power to complicate, something that takes the innocent embrace and turns it into something more. Charles isn't pushing, he isn't trying to make something happen, but just the knowledge that Charles is there and he is hard is enough to have Erik's mind dwelling on the subject anyway.

“Charles, what do you want from me...?” Erik asks eventually, already dreading the answer because he feels like he has so little to give.

Charles sighs quietly. “I just want to be with you, Erik”.

“In what way?”

“In every way...”

The response stirs a deep feeling of arousal within Erik’s groin, something that has his cock filling out even more rapidly than when he first felt Charles move next to him. As always Erik is of two minds, hearing a voice inside of himself which tells him to hold back, to show restraint, but another that just needs Charles, that _needs_ to be close to him even if it is something he may regret later.

Without another word Erik turns over, evidently startling Charles who lets out a small yelp as Erik rolls him onto his back, straddling Charles' waist so that his knees are braced either side of Charles' body. It’s dark in the room but Erik can still make out Charles' expression- the look of surprise mixed with delight written on his face, a look that quickly transmutes into potent desire as Charles lies there.

“Is this what you want?” Erik asks quietly.

Now Erik is here he can't remember why he ever stayed away, why he spent so long resisting intimacy with Charles. But then Erik feels Charles' hand begin to creep up under his shirt, and he remembers.

Instantly Erik flinches, an uncomfortable mumble leaving his lips as Charles’ fingertips pause cautiously just above the hem of Erik's pyjamas bottoms, brushing gently against Erik's skin. The place where Charles is lingering is relatively safe but just above it is a minefield, a warzone of scarred flesh and knife wounds- the fallout from vindictive torture and rash medical procedures- and to have Charles’ delicate fingers encroach in any way on the last part of Erik that is visibly vulnerable and raw is almost too much for Erik to bear. Evidently, Charles realises as much.

“Erik, it's okay...” Charles says softly, gazing up at Erik in abject adoration.

Erik shakes his head, because it isn't okay- not really, and no amount of gentle touches will make it so. As Charles’ palm slides up so that it is splayed across Erik's stomach it doesn't take long for Erik to react, for him to seize hold of Charles' hands move them so they are pinned at Charles' sides, preventing Charles from further movement.

“No...” Erik mumbles. “Not... not that”.

Charles sighs quietly but doesn't try to escape Erik's hold. “What about this?” he asks. With that Charles lifts one leg to press his knee against the firm line of Erik's hard cock, rubbing the area slowly.

Erik can't help but groan in response, just the slight pressure enough to prompt Erik's heart into racing as he contemplates the situation, as he fully comprehends the fact that he is lying in bed with a gorgeous man in-between his legs, eager and wanton and willing.

“You would have to trust me...” Erik says eventually, the words hushed but still audible in the quiet room. Truthfully Erik has no real expectation to receive much from Charles- he never has from anyone- but in the next moment he hears the words anyway.

“I trust you, Erik”.

For a moment Erik can only stare, captivated by the faith in Charles' eyes, the tacit devotion that is so potent that it briefly takes Erik's breath away. They have only known each other a matter of weeks and yet apparently Charles is someone so trusting, so unsuspecting and so pure-hearted he would put his faith in Erik, and trust Erik not to hurt him. It's more conviction than Erik has been offered by anyone in such a long time, and he has enough clarity to recognise how important it is, how significant, and in recognition Erik knows how he in turn regards Charles' heart as like a treasure; a precious artefact to be protected and cherished.

Erik keeps his gaze focused on Charles' face as he slowly lifts Charles' arms so that they are held above his head, the pressure on Charles' wrists gentle so as to give Charles the opportunity to pull away should he wish to do so. There are no signs of withdrawal and so Erik uses his powers to unwind a long sliver of metal from each bedpost, extending it like a vine until it can be used to wrap carefully around Charles’ wrists. Though Charles must have known what was coming he still flinches when the metal touches his skin, perhaps more from the coldness of the alloy than anything else, but Erik finds it comforting to feel the warmth of Charles’ skin against the metal, to sense the pattern of Charles’ pulse- a heartbeat that feels rather like home.

“Alright?” Erik asks, leaning over to press a brief kiss to one of Charles’ wrists.

In response Charles nods, his expression softening into a shy smile, something that prompts Erik to dip his head to steal a kiss from those perfect pink lips which only lasts for a second before Erik withdraws.

It is something Erik has fantasised about more than once, but to actually have Charles there in the manner of Erik's choosing is even more perfect than Erik could have possibly imagined. After a moment of reflection Erik shifts his position so he is knelt in-between Charles’ legs, taking time to enjoy the sight of Charles- all blue eyes and gorgeous freckled skin, his face flushed and his cock evidently hard where it is contained by the material of his pyjama bottoms. Erik reaches down to push Charles' unruly hair back from his forehead, to trail fingertips across Charles’ cheek and down the side of his neck. He never would have thought that his scarred, callous hands would be coveted by anyone, and yet Charles _moans_ when Erik touches him- a low sound that is just about the most arousing thing Erik has ever heard. It prompts Erik to slide his hand under the collar of Charles' shirt, to run his thumb along the line of Charles' collarbone as he uses his powers to slowly loosen the metal buttons of Charles' pyjama top, sliding them through the buttonholes and exposing Charles' flesh inch by inch.

As Charles’ shirt opens the differences between them become only too obvious. Charles’ youth and vitality is displayed in the suppleness of his body, and the dissimilarity in their lifestyles is evident in the way Charles' torso is smooth and soft where Erik's is scarred and uneven. In truth Charles is like a masterpiece- some stunning work of art that Erik can barely believe he's allowed to touch, kiss, and caress. To that end Erik knows he would get endless pleasure just from looking at Charles as he is, but he also knows there are things that are even finer to behold...

Erik can't help the onset of nervous excitement he feels as he reaches for Charles’ pyjama bottoms, looking up at Charles for reassurance before he begins to edge them off. The material slides slowly over Charles' belly, past the point of his hips and further down, exposing his lower abdomen and finally his cock- a sight that makes Erik swallow hard in response. Light freckles cover Charles' hips like a spectrum of stardust, a path that Erik's eyes eagerly follow to where Charles' hard cock is resting against his stomach- flushed pink with colour and seemingly aching for Erik's touch. It’s what Erik wants more than anything and though his hands tremble with the desire he hesitates, for a while unable to do little more than stare at Charles, lost in reflection. There are endless things Erik wants to do to Charles, sensual acts that would require Erik to take his time, to labour affection on Charles until he is hot and shivery and desperately aroused, but to do so would take confidence on Erik’s part, something that- in this area of his life at least- Erik lacks.

“Erik, you best fuck me soon otherwise I might come just from the way you're looking at me...”

Erik's heart spasms, tremors, but ultimately pulls through.

“You would want that?” Erik asks breathlessly.

As Erik looks up he finds that Charles is smiling, affection alighting his expression as he gazes at Erik, patient and unassuming.

“Darling, of course I want that... I've thought of nothing else for the last several weeks”. Charles pauses, appearing thoughtful for a moment before he adds: “You know though that I would never ask you for anything you're not willing to give... I want you more than anything but if you're not ready then I--"

The end of Charles’ sentence is lost, cut off as Erik abruptly leans down to kiss him, pressing their mouths together firmly and hoping that the gratitude and deep devotion he feels for Charles is even part-way expressed, even if the words falter on Erik's frightened tongue. After that Erik's mouth trails down the side of Charles' neck and along his collarbone, prompting joyful murmurs from Charles that encourage Erik further. As Erik kisses Charles he uses his powers to pull open the drawer of the bedside cabinet, reaching over to grasp the pot of lubricant within- something Charles must notice because he immediately turns to the side, allowing Erik to kiss all along one of Charles’ lower ribs as he rolls onto his front.

Though Erik could undoubtedly gaze at Charles' beautiful face for all eternity he finds that he enjoys the view from behind almost as much, because Charles' arse is round and glorious, even more so as Charles spreads his legs. Erik places one hand on the fleshy mound of Charles' buttock as he uses the other to open the pot of lube, squeezing Charles’ arse after a moment and earning himself a small giggle in response as Charles briefly rocks his lower half from side-to-side enticingly. But levity quickly gives way to lust as Erik gently trails his lubed fingers along the line of Charles’ buttocks, circling slowly for a moment before pushing inside.

The prep takes longer than is probably necessary, partly because Erik wants to be careful so as not to hurt Charles but also because he finds just touching Charles like this to be infinitely pleasurable. It’s amazing the little noises and sounds Erik can prompt from Charles, everything from a helpless murmur to a throaty groan, and if this is what Charles sounds like when Erik is just touching him he can’t begin to imagine what Charles will sound like when Erik is inside of him. But it’s something that Erik knows he will not have to imagine for long, because after a short while Charles starts to writhe more emphatically, and as he turns to look back at Erik there is desperate need in his eyes as he whispers: “Erik, _please_ ”.

Erik’s hands tremble as he reaches for his pyjama bottoms and begins to slide them off, hoping the dim light will help in some way to cover up the scars on his legs. Removing his shirt is out of the question but fortunately Charles doesn't protest as Erik lubes up his achingly-hard cock, as Charles rolls over once more to lie on his back- evidently having decided that he needs to see Erik during what is about to happen. Though Charles still makes no attempt to free himself from the wires binding his wrists he still communicates his need for closeness to Erik in other ways- nudging his foot against Erik’s thigh, and then wrapping both his legs around Erik’s waist as Erik leans over. Erik gazes at Charles’ face as he lines up his cock, as he feels Charles tremble in recognition, as he reaches to gently hold Charles’ face- brushing his thumb gently against Charles’ lower lip. And when Erik begins to slide his cock inside he watches Charles for signs of displeasure, finding instead only affection and awe and something more ardent, something hidden deeper that seems to Erik like flecks of crystal within sapphire eyes.

It has been so long since Erik has been with anyone like this, since he has expended pleasure on anything more than a simple, meaningless one-night stand, but it’s remarkable how much it already feels so natural, so necessary. Charles’ legs stay wrapped around Erik’s waist the whole time they are together, as Erik fucks Charles slowly and thoroughly, giving him every inch and feeling somewhat awed as Charles takes it. Though there are times when Charles’ face tenses in apparent discomfort he never complains, he never asks Erik to stop, and on those occasions the expression always passes, replaced by breathy little gasps and the occasional mumbled utterance as Charles moans and writhes.

The act doesn’t last particularly long, something Erik is sure he should feel embarrassed about, but when everything feels so good and so right Erik knows lasting much longer will be nothing short of a miracle. Before long Erik is breathing hard and he is shaking and his heart is racing and his cock is throbbing, and all he can do is press his face into Charles’ neck as he groans and comes, almost like he hopes to hide there. The sensual bliss that courses through Erik’s body is rich and intense as he moans into Charles’ skin- an almost incapacitating level of pleasure unlike anything Erik has ever experienced- but it’s only a moment that Erik allows himself to dwell before he starts to think about withdrawing.

But then, before Erik can even think to move, he feels a warm huff of air against his face as Charles turns his head. Erik’s eyes are closed much like the last time but he senses Charles anyway, feels the strong rhythm of his pulse against the metal restraints, feels the rise and fall of his chest as he breathes in and out. And then Erik feels something else- the soft press of Charles’ lips against his forehead, something that speaks to Erik without word and communicates a message, the same one as last time- that Erik is accepted just as he is.

 


	6. Chapter 6

 

 

Erik knows at one time he was a master at hiding. He remembers being a child and playing hide and seek with the children in his class, when no one found him for so long that Erik began to wonder if they were even looking at all. He remembers being a young boy living with his parents, when his father's requests for him to be brave fell on deaf ears as he hid in the small cupboard under the stairs, listening to the authoritative sound of boots passing by in the hallway and remaining silent until the moment when he heard his mother scream. He remembers all those years afterwards in Auschwitz, when there was nowhere to hide, nowhere to feel safe, until eventually Erik stopped looking.

In recent years Erik has never hid. He has always faced his enemies head-on with determined aggression, believing that it is better to strike first before they do. Such methods protect Erik, they preserve his life and shield his heart, they keep others at a distance as standard, and as such Erik has no real need to hide anymore. At least that was the case before, in all the years before Westchester, but things are different now.

Now, Erik hides from Charles.

It is never overt in its intention- Erik never means to resist Charles or keep him at a distance, but nevertheless it keeps happening anyway. Every day Erik spends time with Charles, he lies with him beneath the sheets, he kisses and touches Charles in all manner of guises, and throughout it all Erik's avoidance is apparent. It is there every time Erik refuses to remove his clothing in the daylight, it is there every time Erik withdraws from Charles' touch, it is there every time Erik wraps thin coils of metal around Charles' wrists to hold him in place. Erik always feels selfish for refusing, and wishes he could be a better man, but there is safety in hiding- something Erik has always known. But the guilt Erik feels can at least be remedied in other ways- in dozens of days and nights spent with Charles, on top of him, inside of him, and it's amazing all the things Erik learns.

Charles has a birthmark on his left buttock, a small blemish that's almost in the shape of a heart- an apparent flaw that Erik adores, and that he loves to press his mouth to. The skin covering the point of Charles' hip is incredibly sensitive, almost ticklish, and Charles squeals in the most delightful way when Erik kisses him there. Charles’ favourite word is apparently “Fuck”, for as much as he is composed and proper under ordinary circumstance Charles’ usual levels of propriety diminish considerably when Erik is steadily eroding them with his hands and mouth.

After an initially nervous start Erik finds that he loves pleasuring Charles, loves kissing and touching him, stroking him, sucking his cock until Charles comes with breathless gasps. Charles’ whole body trembles when he climaxes, almost as if he is shaking apart, and Erik looks forward dearly to each moment when Charles is restored again so that Erik can dismantle him once more. It's endlessly satisfying to be able to bring joy to Charles, to take every kindness Charles has shown to Erik and give it back to him in the form of the hours Erik spends with his head buried in-between Charles’ legs, and it at least makes Erik feel somewhat better about all the things Charles is doing for him.

Because this time it's not reciprocal pleasure Erik takes from Charles, at least not in any active sense- it's assistance and information. Though Erik hates it, though the idea makes him somewhat sick, Charles continues to take part in his stepfather's experiments as a means to gain intel; acquiring evidence that Charles one day hopes to use to rid himself of his stepfather forever. It's an untenable situation but one that they both have come to adhere to, for in some ways it seems like the only possible way for both Charles and Erik to find a resolution to their predicament. Though Erik has offered to 'help’ Charles more than once Charles has always insisted that he wants to do things his own way, and that means biding his time and continuing to comply with his stepfather's demands.

There is never any way of knowing what the results of each visit to the labs will be. Sometimes Charles appears to be fine. Other times he experiences migraines and aching pains. And occasionally the experiments he is subjected to make Charles so ill that all Erik can do is hold him, pressing the palm of his hand to Charles’ burning forehead, and whispering gentle words of encouragement as he shakes. Those moments are the worst, when the effects of whatever drugs Charles has been dosed with cause his telepathy to act erratically and Erik is plagued by an onset of images from Charles' mind- memories of cold labs and sterile needles and unfeeling eyes. The images are too familiar to Erik, too reminiscent of his time under Shaw's control, but for Charles he weathers the storm, hoping that one day they can both get through it. Throughout it all Charles insists that it's what he wants, that it's for the best, that he's _fine_ , but the nights when Erik will awaken to the feeling of Charles slipping into bed with him tell him something different.

Since they are still trying to keep up the illusion that there's nothing going on between them Erik continues to insist that Charles’ visits to his apartment are conducted under the shroud of secrecy, and that Charles returns to the mansion each night. In truth it's not what Erik really wants but it seems necessary, even if Charles always makes some form of protest- most often using gentle pleading but occasionally drawing on slightly more _suggestive_ methods. But every time Erik remains steadfast and walks Charles to his door, ignoring how the kind of goodbye kisses Charles gives are enough to make Erik's knees feel weak and his heart feel heavy. Each night is a success in that respect but the accomplishment doesn't always last, because the occasions when Charles will use the key he has always possessed to enter Erik’s apartment are decidedly frequent, so much so that Erik can't help but lament the nights when his sleep is undisturbed instead.

Erik will never admit it, but he secretly covets the comfort of Charles' slim arms wrapping around his waist from behind, that he adores the feeling of Charles’ lips nudging against the back of his neck, that he’s comforted by the steady rhythm of Charles’ heartbeat thrumming against his spine. Every time there is a moment when Erik considers just remaining where he is and allowing Charles to stay, but he knows there is danger in complacency and it's something he cannot give into. And so, Erik says no. He turns over and moves away and reminds Charles of their agreement, until the point when he sees the acceptance register in Charles’ eyes and he knows he has won.

At least, that is the way things are, until one night…

 

The daytime has seen moderate amounts of success when it comes to Erik’s agenda, as Charles' most recent visit to the labs beneath the Xavier mansion has resulted in an influx of information thanks to Charles' requisition of some of Kurt Marko's files. Naturally Erik has wondered more than once why Charles would even need to resort to such methods when he has telepathy at his disposal, but on the one occasion when Erik finally makes a comment to suggest as much he soon has his answer. Charles is normally so forthcoming, so candid and so honest, but on this occasion he visibly withdraws- breaking eye contact with Erik as he averts his gaze to instead stare at his hands twisting in his lap. The reply from Charles takes a long time to arrive and when it comes it is mumbled and vague. Nevertheless, the meaning is acutely obvious- for probably entirely understandable reasons, there is apparently nothing more horrifying to Charles than the prospect of venturing inside his stepfather’s mind.

For the rest of the day Charles is noticeably quiet and distant, giving Erik a rather uncomfortable idea of what it was probably like from Charles’ perspective to deal with him for the first few weeks they knew each other... Erik almost wants to apologise but he doesn't fully know what he'd be saying the words for. More than that he just wants to comfort Charles, to hold and soothe him, but it's clear Charles won't be receptive. In the end Charles leaves a short while later- the goodbye kiss he imparts on that occasion brief and unsatisfying- and Erik can only hope that the troubles that plague Charles are lessened by the time they see each other again.

When the moment comes it is sooner than Erik had expected. A few hours after Erik went to bed he stirs at the now-familiar feeling of the mattress dipping as Charles slips under the covers. It only takes Erik a few seconds to return to full consciousness but he lingers for a while before he speaks, allowing Charles to shift closer until he is pressed snugly up against Erik’s back.

“Charles...” Erik murmurs eventually. “We talked about this. You can't be here- you can't stay with me”.

Charles mumbles quietly in response, edging closer as he wraps his arms fully around Erik's waist.

“Please...” the reply comes eventually, soft and timid. “Please just let me stay here. I feel safe with you, Erik”.

The words prompt an ache in Erik's chest, a pained feeling that tugs on his heart strings and begs him to change his mind, even though Erik knows he cannot. It's a risk just spending as much time with Charles as Erik already does, so to allow him to stay over for entire nights would likely be a step too far.

“Charles, please don't make this harder than it needs to be... We agreed that we were going to--"

“No, we didn't agree”, Charles interrupts. “You told me this was going to happen and I just had to deal with it. It's not _fair_ , Erik...”

The petulant tone of Charles’ voice is something Erik has heard from time to time, and he can't help the scowl that immediately creeps over his face as he abruptly pulls out of Charles’ grasp, moving to sit up in bed as he turns towards Charles and prepares himself for the kind of argument he doesn't really want to have at this time of night. But then Erik notices something- the sheen of wetness covering Charles’ cheeks that Charles immediately reaches up to wipe away, and the annoyance Erik is feeling fades.

“I'm sorry”, Erik says quietly, almost surprising himself with how quickly he says it. “I didn't mean to upset you”.

“You didn't... It's not that, it's...” Charles trails off, rolling over so that he is lying on his stomach on the bed, his face pressed into one of the pillows. For a moment Erik can only stare at him, realising that he has never really had to comfort anyone before and worrying he will be bad at it, but after a short while instinct takes over and he moves closer to Charles intuitively, as if he was foolish to hesitate in the first place.

Charles whimpers quietly as Erik lies down beside him, using the palm of one hand to rub Charles’ back in comforting circles as he gazes at the part of Charles' face he can see.

“Tell me what's wrong...” Erik requests calmly.

Charles is so avoidant that at first Erik wonders whether he'll get any of the answers he seeks tonight, but then Charles lets out a wracked kind of sob and begins to speak.

“I miss my father...” Charles says eventually, his words slightly muffled by the pillow his face is pressed into. “When he was alive things weren't perfect but they were better- mother was kinder, and I was certainly happier. Now everything’s unbearably strained all the time and I hate it... The mansion is like this cold, dead place where everyone is so joyless and so false, and the only time mother even speaks to me is to tell me how disappointed she is in my choices- a remarkable observation when you consider how little she really knows me… I was dreading returning from university but I knew I had to- I knew I had to be here for Raven, but it’s hard spending every night in that house, seeing my mother arguing with Kurt, hearing them shout and scream at each other- most often blaming me for whatever has caused their latest disagreement, listening to mother knocking things over in the hallway as she drunkenly stumbles down the corridor on her way to bed. I _hate_ being there, Erik. I want to be here with you instead”.

Charles turns slightly towards Erik, and the expression on his face is so forlorn that for a moment Erik worries that his heart might be about to break. There’s so much desperation in Charles’ eyes, so much unabashed need, and though Erik wants to give Charles what he wants he doesn’t know how that’s even possible.

Erik reaches over to gently brush his thumb along Charles’ cheek, wiping away some of the dampness there as Charles sniffles slightly.

“Liebling, you know I love having you here with me…” Erik starts, before taking a moment to pause as he realises how unusually candid he’s being. Charles raises his eyebrows at Erik curiously, prompting Erik to clear his throat nervously before he continues.

“Charles… I want you here, I want you to stay the night, but it’s too risky. You’re the one who insisted on continuing to participate in your stepfather's experiments until we have enough information to go to the authorities, so that means you'll need to carry on acting like everything's the same as usual. If anyone realises you're not in your room when you're supposed to be then who knows what might happen”.

“Not necessarily...” Charles replies, a slight grumble to his tone. “My mother is unlikely to take any interest in my whereabouts, so the only way someone will notice I'm missing is if one of the servants realises, and if they do I can easily use my telepathy to persuade them that what they saw was incorrect”.

“So it's that easy for you to control others? Remind me again why you can't just use your powers on your stepfather to make him leave once and for all...”

Instantly Erik realises it was the wrong thing to say, as the upset on Charles’ face becomes immediately apparent. They've never explicitly discussed Charles’ reasons for not wanting to deal with things using Erik's decidedly more direct methods, and initially Erik assumed the decision was mostly to do with Charles’ apparent sense of morality more than anything else. But increasingly it seems that justice is only a small part of it, and that the biggest factor overriding Charles' actions might be fear. Charles is oft times so confident that Erik has a hard time believing he's afraid of anything, but the more Erik learns about Charles the more he starts to see that Charles has a vulnerable side, just like everyone else.

“You're right- this was a bad idea”, Charles says, starting to sit upright. “I'll go home. I'm sorry I bothered you”.

Quickly Charles begins to move away, shifting to sit on the edge of the bed so that he can stand up and leave, but before he gets the chance Erik has moved behind him, sliding one arm around Charles’ waist as he rests his head against Charles' shoulder, breathing him in.

They stay there for some time, Charles a willing captive and Erik a reluctant captor, keeping Charles in spite of all the reasons he shouldn't. Things seem so much simpler when they are like this, when it is just the two of them, but such moments are always tinged with wistful sadness when Erik considers that they can't last forever. At least that’s what Erik thinks, but as Charles lets out a low sigh and moves one hand to gently squeeze Erik's arm, for the first time Erik begins to consider another course of action.

“We could leave...” Erik says quietly.

“Huh?”

Erik hugs Charles even tighter, fearful that what he's about to say might make Charles withdraw from his grasp, and perhaps from his life, entirely.

“I don't want you to keep putting yourself through this- making yourself a lab rat for that man, and if you won't let me help you then perhaps the only other option is to leave. We could go somewhere, anywhere- it doesn't really matter as long as it's not here, as long as he can't hurt you anymore”.

“But... But what about my sister?”

Erik relaxes marginally when he considers that the response is not technically a ‘no'.

“Bring her. She's still at summer school right now, isn’t she? We could leave tonight, or maybe in the morning, and just go get her. No one would be able to stop us”.

“And what then? What kind of life would I be dooming her to? I don’t like it but my mother is still Raven's legal guardian, so to take her would be considered a crime. People would try to find us. Until Raven turns eighteen she would have to hide, have to conceal who she really is, and I would be considered a criminal even after she comes of age. I have plans, Erik... I want to get my doctorate and my PhD. I want to educate myself so that I can help people- mutants, like us. If I run all of that goes away, forever. I... I don't think I can do that...”

With each word it becomes ever more apparent to Erik how different he and Charles are, how incomparable their lives are, and perhaps how incompatible he and Charles are in general. It's easy for Erik to talk about leaving- he has nothing to stay for, after all- nothing but Charles. All Erik has in life is a motley group of mutants, whose involvement is borne solely from the fact that they have all been wronged by humanity, and that they have taken a stand against it. Erik has no family, he has no friends, all he has is Charles- someone who has just told Erik that whatever feelings they may have for each other are evidently unimportant, because they're not enough to make Charles leave his life behind.

Slowly Erik loosens his grip and starts to turn away, because if this is it- if this is really where they stand then Erik doesn't want Charles to see the moment when he shatters, when he allows the pain and rejection he's feeling to manifest on his face. Charles is being perfectly reasonable of course- rational and considered and objective- but there's no room for logic in love, and in that moment Erik realises that's where he is.

“Erik...” Charles says softly, turning and reaching to seize Erik's hand. “Darling, you understand, don't you? You understand why I can't just leave? This decision doesn't change how I feel about you, or how important you are to me. I have to stay, but I want you here with me”.

Erik nods, still gazing down, but he can't bring himself to respond. Because what is there to even say? Erik assumes they have both said everything they will need to this evening, but then Charles adds something else, something unexpected, something that throws everything Erik thinks he knows into disarray.

“Erik, _I love you_...”

It's said so softly Erik isn't even sure he heard correctly at first, but then he _feels_ it- a warm swell of emotion that flows over Erik like a summer breeze as he looks up to meet Charles’ eyes. Charles' expression is unsure, tentative, but there's conviction there too and honesty, making Erik sure that Charles means what he said- mirrored by that same feeling of warmth, something that Erik realises has to be the influence of Charles' telepathy. They've never really discussed it before but nevertheless there is some sort of understanding that keeps Charles from encroaching on Erik’s mind, and consequently that moment is the first time since they met when Erik has really felt the effect of Charles’ power. It's a wonderful feeling- something soft and bright and shimmering- and not for the first time Erik is forced to question why he's been so determined to keep Charles at bay.

Though Erik is in no way able to formulate a proper response, he answers by leaning forward and wrapping his arms around Charles, pulling Charles with him as he reclines to lie back against the pillows once more. Charles settles down pressed against Erik's chest, murmuring happily as Erik nudges his face against Charles' forehead, kissing him there. What Charles said still lingers between them, the feeling to Erik like heat gently warming his skin, but for now Erik knows that further discussions of any kind can wait until the morning. For now Erik just wants to lie there, with his Charles, and allow the blissful contentment he feels for the first time in years to lull him into a sound sleep.

 

That night is the first time Erik allows Charles to stay over, but it isn't the last. Though Erik still maintains his belief that he and Charles need to be careful so as not to let anyone discover the nature of their involvement with each other, such determination is sometimes hard to preserve now that Erik truly knows how Charles feels about him, and now he knows how bad things are within Charles’ family home. And so, on the occasions when Erik once again awakens to the feeling of Charles slipping into his bed, he no longer asks him to leave. Instead Erik remains where he is, enjoying the comfort and security of Charles' arms wrapped around his body, and trying not to tense anytime he feels Charles' fingertips begin to creep just under his clothing.

Because although Charles and Erik have been intimate with each other for a number of weeks now, the involvement continues to be exclusively on Erik’s terms. Arguably Charles isn't exactly getting a bad deal out of it- he comes a great deal more than Erik does thanks to all of the hours he has spent shackled to Erik's bed by the metal wires wrapped around his wrists- but there are times when Charles' moans of pleasure seem to border on frustration, and when he will rile against the restraints. It's clear Charles isn't getting everything he wants, or everything he needs, but he is at least patient and considerate enough not to complain.

Though Erik wishes in so many ways that he could gives Charles exactly what he wants, that’s a part of him that still isn't convinced that would be what Charles _needs_. Even after so much time together Erik can't quell the worries that surge within him- that any untoward behaviour might make it seem like he's using Charles. Erik isn't, he knows he isn't, but he can't help but worry that Charles might think such a thing were he to find out the truth- that Erik isn't really just some simple mechanic, he's actually the leader of a mutant organisation whose sole focus in recent months has been the acquisition of information relating to the Xavier labs. There have been many times when Erik has just considered telling Charles the truth, particularly now that they are both working towards a similar goal, but in spite of Charles' clear affection Erik still fears rejection in the wake of honesty, and it's a risk he can't take.

And so, Erik keeps his concerns to himself and continues as usual, allowing Charles to believe that he’s bringing Erik information that will only be used for his own purposes and not Erik’s. Of course the illusion can't last forever, and when the truth finally comes out the manner of it's reveal is something that Erik couldn’t have possibly seen coming.

 

On the day in question the weather is warm and humid, the midday sun causing temperatures to rise and Charles to show up to Erik's apartment wearing an oversized t-shirt one of the decidedly skimpy pairs of shorts he seems to sometimes favour... At first Erik assumes that Charles has come to provide welcome distraction to his previously uneventful Sunday, but instead Charles has come to share two positive pieces of information- the first some paperwork liberated from his stepfather’s private office, and the second the news that both Kurt and Sharon have gone away for a few days.

Charles is positively giddy when he arrives, launching himself into Erik's arms with a flurry of kisses, before starting to ramble on enthusiastically until Erik quietens him by offering to make tea. For some time Erik busies himself in the kitchen, all the while wondering why on earth Charles often chooses to drink hot tea on an equally hot day, and when he returns to the seating area Charles is lying sprawled across the wooden floor, the files he's brought with him spread out in front of himself. It's an incredibly distracting sight, particularly when the position causes Charles’ shorts to have ridden up to the tops of his muscular thighs, and for a while Erik can only stare- forgetting all about the tea he's holding.

“Darling, are you going to give me that tea or am I going to have to cover up first so you stop staring at my arse?”

Charles turns to regard Erik, grinning widely as Erik tries to think of a way to explain himself, but failing miserably. In the end he steps closer and kneels down to place the cup of tea next to Charles, trying not to blush as Charles smiles at him triumphantly. Afterwards Erik takes a seat in the armchair next to where Charles is lying, listening in interest as Charles begins to discuss the things he's discovered in the stolen file. It's nothing too incendiary, at least not in Erik's opinion, but the information at least proves useful for Charles’ purposes as it details the money Kurt has funnelled into his ill-advised experiments- funds that have been immorally obtained from the Xavier family estate. After a while Charles grows quiet, and as he pores over the details the expression on his face grows decidedly tense- rather understandably considering it's his family he's reading about, even though Kurt has clearly never acted as such. It makes Erik's heart ache to know that someone so sweet and so loving as Charles has been so mistreated for so many years, but that kind of ache soon turns into something sharper, something that makes Erik want to act out against the abuse.

There are so many occasions when Erik has considered what it would be like to deal with Kurt in the way he wants to- the way he thinks Kurt deserves. Erik has never had much tolerance for brutes and bullies, particularly those who pick on people much younger than themselves, and as such he knows only too well the kind of justice he'd like to dole out- the kind afforded by metal and malice and merciless conviction. But Charles has made his feelings on the subject perfectly clear, even without driving the point home, and as such Erik knows he cannot intervene. But in the moments like this, when Erik can see how visibly upset Charles is by his maltreatment, he can’t help wanting to interfere, and not for the first time Erik grits his teeth to keep down the things he wants to say, gripping the armrests of the chair uncomfortably hard with both hands.

“Erik?” Charles asks, turning to look at him. “Darling, are you okay?”

Only Charles could be so selfless as to ask after others when he’s clearly upset himself, and though Erik knows he should probably continue to keep his thoughts contained as usual, at the same time he can't bear the idea of any more moments like this.

“I wish you'd just let me deal with Kurt...” Erik replies eventually.

Charles raises his eyebrows. “We are dealing with him... I know it'll take time for us to catalogue enough information to ensure he is appropriately handled, particularly as we have to be careful so as not to expose ourselves or the existence of mutants in general, but we'll get there in the end”.

“Yes, and in the meantime you’ll keep having to put your mind and your body through untold amounts of stress- allowing that man to abuse and mistreat you... It doesn't have to be this way, Charles. I can protect you”.

“I'm sure you can, Erik- but I’m not sure I'm prepared to live with what that would mean...”

There’s a pointed tone to Charles’ words, one that suggests there is a level of understanding between the two of them- as if they both know what Charles is referring to, as if Erik’s plan is something they have discussed in the past. But although Erik has said more than once that he wishes to help Charles, he has never specified exactly what that would entail. The fact that Charles appears to have a pretty firm idea anyway suggests that he may already know more than he's letting on, and that can only mean one thing...

“Charles, what do you know about me...?” Erik asks slowly.

If Erik is hoping for a speedy answer he doesn’t receive it. Charles lets out a soft sigh before beginning to sit upright, turning so that he is sat with his legs folded underneath his body, his hands placed palm-up in his lap. And then, Charles says it:

“ _Everything_ ”.

From most people such a statement might seem like a boastful exaggeration, or an out-and-out lie, but from Charles the disclosure is sincere, and it makes Erik's blood run cold. Not because he has any problem with Charles’ telepathy or the idea of it being used on him _generally_ speaking, but because if Charles has used his powers in such a way then it means that the secrets Erik holds are no longer his to keep.

“You told me you weren't going to pry...” Erik says, already hating how vulnerable he sounds. In response Charles edges closer, reaching to gently squeeze Erik's knees with both hands.

“I know, I’m sorry- but it takes so much mental focus to keep my barriers in place, and I can't help but slip up from time-to-time. Most times during simple conversation it's easy enough, but with you, when we're together... when we're _intimate_... Well, let's just say you have a special gift when it comes to eroding my concentration”.

The expression on Charles’ face is somewhat guilty as he pauses, dropping his gaze as if there is something about the way Erik is looking at him that he doesn't like.

“I hope this doesn't change anything for you...” Charles adds quietly. “Because knowing who you are has never changed anything for me. I'm aware of your past, Erik- I know about the things you've done and for what reasons. But most of all I know that you're a _good man_ \- perhaps the best I’ve ever known”.

Charles continues to avoid eye contact, and the trepidation on his face is clearly read. It's ironic really that Erik has been so afraid of letting Charles know who he really is, and yet Charles has known all along and now he’s the one who is fearful that he is going to be judged. But Erik doesn't feel angry about Charles’ disclosure, or violated, or anything like that. Most of all he is just relieved that he no longer feels like he has to hide, for the first time in years.

Slowly Erik reaches down, gently cupping Charles' face with one hand and tilting it upwards so he can look into Charles’ eyes, heart aching at the vulnerability in Charles' expression. Suddenly it’s clear how significant this moment is to Charles- how much it would mean to him to be told that his mutation is not an imposition. Erik has often kept his abilities a secret as a way not to rouse suspicion, but for Charles it seems probable that there's another reason why he has always been so careful and so considerate. Charles has mentioned his mother's revulsion towards his mutation, and Erik already knows about Kurt's manipulation of it. It's likely Charles has never been told that he is special, that his mutation is a gift, and that is something Erik knows he must change immediately.

“Thank you for telling me...” Erik says quietly. “I'm sorry I ever lied to you, or made you feel like you couldn’t be honest with me either. I should have realised that your power was too extraordinary to be contained--"

“I tried, Erik- I really tried--" Charles interrupts, but Erik places his finger over Charles’ lips, halting his words.

“You shouldn’t have to try, Charles. You shouldn’t have to hide who you really are or try to contain your amazing abilities, especially not for me. Your mutation is a gift, Liebling. It should be celebrated as such”.

The compliment registers and immediately Charles begins to smile- a ridiculous, goofy kind of grin that makes him seem even younger than his nineteen years, and it's just about the most beautiful thing Erik has ever seen in his life. He can't help grinning widely back at Charles, something Erik can't even remember doing in such a long time, and then Charles is crawling forward to sprawl himself across Erik's lap- his arms wrapped tightly around Erik's waist and his face buried in Erik's chest.

They stay that way for some time, holding onto each other as Erik breathes Charles in, feeling a sense of peace cascade over him. It's takes Erik a moment to realise that it's _Charles_ , that whatever measures Charles normally puts in place to shield others from his telepathy must evidently have been lessened, because Erik can perceive a kind of soft, shimmering light in his periphery, accompanied by a feeling of warmth and comfort. If this is how it will always feel to perceive Charles’ telepathy, it's something Erik knows he will quickly come to covet. Indeed, every part of Charles is now something that seems so necessary, so vital, that already Erik wonders how he would cope if it was suddenly lacking.

It can't be particularly comfortable for Charles to be kneeling on the wooden floor for so long, but he stays there regardless- face pressed into Erik's chest as Erik draws his fingers slowly through Charles’ hair- something that prompts Charles to moan quietly and hold onto Erik more firmly. It starts innocently enough, but within a short while Erik's hands trail to tiptoe down Charles’ neck, fingertips creeping under the collar of Charles’ shirt to trace the sensitive line of his spine. Touching Charles is intuitive now, like a song to which Erik knows all the words, and he can’t help but advance further as thoughts of what's to come surge to the forefront of his mind- images of Charles spread naked across the bed, arms bound above his head, face flushed as he writhes in pleasure, so in love with Erik he will give him everything he wants without question. But it’s clear that Charles wants things too, even if he won't always ask, and this is made evident as Charles abruptly slides his hands round to Erik's front, sinking lower and looking up at Erik as he reaches for his crotch.

Just being as close as Erik is to Charles has been enough to prompt his cock into hardening, and as Charles places his hand over the sizeable bulge filling out the front of Erik's trousers Erik can't help but groan, completely intoxicated by the look of abject desire on Charles’ face. Charles looks at Erik with soft pleading in his eyes, not expecting but hoping, and Erik doesn't know how he's going to refuse him this time. But there is still a voice in Erik's head that tells him to hold back, not least because he is afraid of being vulnerable in front of Charles in more ways than one, but also because he doesn't want to take advantage. Of course, as soon as the thought occurs to Erik, Charles scoffs.

“Erik, I know what you're thinking and it's crap. You're not exploiting me in any way- not because you were keeping secrets from me and not because I'm younger than you are. This is something I want, darling- rather desperately in fact... I want to make you feel as good as you've made me feel. Won't you let me do that?”

Charles makes it sound so simple- as easy as just saying ‘yes'. But for someone who was denied any choice in anything for much of his life it's hard to surrender- to give something he expects can only be taken. But Charles is sweet and kind and patient and this time it’s impossible to say no, and within a short while Erik finds he is being led into the bedroom by one hand, wondering if Charles’ telepathy enables him to pick up on the frantic thoughts that accompany his pounding heart.

 

Erik’s pulse is still racing as he lies in bed shortly thereafter, completely naked but covered by the sheets that are pulled up all the way to his chin. Nearby Charles is in the bathroom, the sound of running water shutting off soon suggesting that he has finished whatever he is doing, and then Erik barely has time to prepare before the door opens and Charles steps out.

The sight of Charles is so beautiful that, not for the first time, Erik is forced to consider how fortunate he is to be blessed with something so wonderful. Charles enters the room nude and unashamed, and though the light in the room is somewhat dim thanks to the curtains Charles thoughtfully closed to keep back the afternoon sun, Erik can still make out the gorgeous, marble-like texture of Charles’ skin- a pink flush colouring his cheeks, his chest, and his erect cock. As Charles approaches for a moment Erik is so lost in the exquisite vision that he forgets all about his fears, until Charles reaches down for the blankets and suddenly Erik is reminded. But rather than removing the sheets and exposing Erik entirely, to Erik's surprise Charles instead only lifts the covers high enough so he can crawl underneath, instantly warming the inside of Erik's legs as Charles settles there.

Charles’ approach is tentative at first, as if he recognises the significance of the occasion and he is making sure to be careful. First his hand settles on Erik's ankle, thumb just brushing against Erik's skin, and then Charles dips his head and presses his mouth to the area, his lips settling over Erik's anklebone in a soft kiss. It's an achingly lovely gesture, something so sweet and so tender that it prompts a surge of feeling within Erik's heart- as if the organ has been so vacant and so unused for so long now that the resultant sensation of feeling is akin to light filling a previously darkened room. It's hard for Erik not to whimper out loud and he is only able to contain himself by biting down on his lower lip, but then Charles’ mouth begins to move higher and welcome distraction is provided...

Even just the feeling of Charles’ mouth gently pressing along the inside of Erik's leg is enough to have Erik's arousal increasingly emphatically, his cock desperately hard and barely contained by the thin sheets draped across his body. All Erik can see is the shape of Charles moving under the covers as he crawls higher up, his breath warm against Erik's thighs as Charles kisses him there, lips smoothing over skin and scar tissue indiscriminately. Charles' nuzzles his face into the juncture where Erik's groin meets his thigh, kissing and nibbling at sensitive skin as Erik writhes, his fists clenching at his sides. It's like pleasurable torture to be able to feel Charles but not see him, and the conflicting feelings only increase as Charles wraps one hand around Erik's cock before bringing his mouth to it.

The last time Erik received a blowjob from Charles it was a relatively short act- an expression of intense desire between both parties that happened so spontaneously there was almost no thought to it. This time is different. To begin with Charles only licks and sucks the top couple of inches of Erik's cock, laving the sensitive head with his tongue and making Erik moan helplessly in response. It's both amazing and frustrating as Erik can't help wanting more, unable to keep from groaning in frustration as Charles eventually removes his mouth entirely, shifting slightly lower as he takes each of Erik's balls in his mouth in turn. It's perhaps only fair for Charles to take his time, particularly after all the days Erik has spent with his head buried in-between Charles’ legs in a similar manner, but regardless Erik finds the experience to be somewhat maddening in spite of the inherent pleasure. It takes some time for Erik to admit to himself why.

Charles moves to take Erik's cock in his mouth fully, and it’s incredible and it's staggering and it's amazing, but it’s not quite perfect for one reason only. As Erik gasps and shudders under the influence of Charles’ mouth all he can see is Charles’ head bobbing up and down underneath the covers, and he realises then just how much he really wants to _see_ Charles properly. It's not just that Erik wants to witness the act itself, though Charles would undoubtedly look incredible doing it, it's actually the connection Erik craves- the feeling of closeness he is accustomed to after so many nights spent in bed with Charles. And though Erik is still deathly afraid, he finally realises that some things are worth facing your fears for.

Erik's hands tremble as he reaches to grasp the bedsheets before slowly beginning to pull them down- gradually revealing his chest and abdomen. The resultant exposure of Erik's torso is like light being shone on a battlefield, like unveiling a warzone marred by uneven skin and silvery thin scars and deep gouges long since healed- marks that fill Erik with shame, that remind him of how weak he once was when he couldn’t even use his mutation to save himself. The last thing Erik wants is for Charles to see the evidence of his failings, to pity or perhaps even judge him, but deep down Erik knows he has no real reason to be wary. Charles is a telepath who claims to know ‘everything', but more than that he's a good person- someone who seems incapable of intentionally causing harm to others.

And so, after inhaling a deep breath, Erik lifts the sheets and draws them down past Charles’ shoulders- instantly feeling his arousal deepen as he takes in the sight of Charles lying in-between his spread legs. Erik's eyes hone in on the glorious fleshy mounds of Charles' arse before travelling up along his spine, across his broad shoulders adorned with a smattering of light brown freckles, until finally his focus centres on Charles' face. Charles' head is tilted down, his mouth still wrapped around Erik's cock as he takes it deep, but after a moment he looks up at Erik, and the joy in Charles' expression is evident even before he withdraws from Erik's member so that he can smile at him.

“Hello, Erik...” Charles says happily, as if they are meeting for the first time, and in some ways it feels like they are. This is the first occasion in which Erik has been completely naked with Charles, when he has given himself over entirely, and it is clear the moment is significant to both of them, and that it represents a new chapter in their lives together.

After that Erik settles back against the pillows, one hand gently grasping Charles’ hair as Charles takes Erik's cock in his mouth once more, his eyes never leaving Erik's face. Charles begins to suck and it feels so good that after a while Erik has to remove his hand and reach back to grip the bedframe instead, fearful of hurting Charles by being too rough with him, in spite of the fact that Charles shows no signs of displeasure during the moments when Erik's control slips and he thrusts helplessly into Charles’ mouth. It's clear that Charles meant it when he said this was something he wants desperately as he gives it everything he has, pleasuring Erik with a dizzying combination of hand and mouth that has Erik groaning and gasping for breath, writhing on the mattress as he remains completely captive under Charles’ thrall. And though Erik wishes it could last forever he knows he cannot hold out indefinitely, and consequently it isn't long before Erik is shaking and moaning desperately, completely transfixed by the expression on Charles’ face as he allows Erik to come in his mouth.

There must be a moment where everything is so intense that Erik loses focus, as the next thing he knows he is feeling Charles place kisses up the length of his torso as he crawls up the bed. Charles settles in next to Erik so he is tucked into his side, and as Charles shifts closer and drapes his leg over Erik’s waist Erik feels Charles’ hard cock press against him- something he definitely wants to do something about later. But for now Erik is content to remain where he is, quiet and comfortable as he pulls the sheets up all the way to Charles’ chin so that they are both completely covered. Charles moves to press a kiss to Erik's forehead, a gesture that always makes Erik feel accepted and reassured, before moving to lie against Erik's chest once more, as if there is nowhere he would rather be in the world.


	7. Chapter 7

 

 

If it is intimacy that has started the slow slide into complacency, Erik doesn't realise it until it is too late.

Perhaps the time for awakening has passed, perhaps that should have happened before Erik kissed Charles, before he found out how he likes to be touched, what he tastes like, what his face looks like when he comes. Perhaps it was before Charles said he loves Erik, and before Erik realised he loves Charles too.

Now, Erik is helpless, held captive by his feelings and his convictions- by what he knows he would do for Charles. It goes much further than revenge- the only driving force than Erik has ever allowed to control him. The way Erik feels about Charles is enough to make him alter his life entirely, to turn his back on the people he swore an allegiance to, to give up what little he has. He would do it all for Charles, he would risk everything to keep Charles safe, and he will do it in spite of whether Charles wants it or not.

Because Charles' plan is the same as it has ever been- he wants to do things the ‘right way’, using enquiry and investigation to build up incriminating evidence against his stepfather, so that eventually Kurt Marko can be dealt with by the authorities. It’s a plan Erik has never liked, not least because he fails to see how Kurt deserves any kind of mercy, but also because such methods risk the wider population finding out about the experiments Kurt has been conducting- experiments involving Charles. The last thing Erik wants is for Charles to be put at risk like that, and consequently he knows preventative methods may be required.

It's a thought Erik dwells on most of all when he is lying in bed and Charles is sleeping beside him, Charles' breathing slow and steady in his relaxed state. Charles always looks so peaceful when he sleeps, so serene, and it almost makes up for the occasions when Erik sees Charles in an entirely different guise- panicked and pained as a result of the toxins coursing through his veins. All Erik wants is for Charles to be happy, to be free of malice and manipulation, and increasingly Erik feels like it will require his intervention to make that happen. And so, while Charles sleeps Erik schemes. No longer is he content to just adhere to Charles' rules, instead Erik wishes to deal with things in his own way- at long last.

 

Of course, Erik knows it isn't just as simple as walking up to Kurt and threatening him or forcing his compliance. Erik has actually never met Charles' stepfather, let alone ventured inside the mansion where he lives or the labs beneath it, and as such Erik knows it will be difficult for him to reach Kurt. But as it happens fortune lends a hand, as one day Erik is granted an unexpected invite.

Apparently there is due to be a big event at the Xavier mansion- a lavish party that is expected to attract only the highest ranking members of society- and as such a staff meeting has been called to ensure all the employees know where they need to be and when. Erik doesn’t expect that very much will even be required of him except perhaps to be on standby should any of the guests experience car trouble, but nevertheless he is only too happy to attend the meeting, knowing that it will grant him authorised access to the mansion for a short while.

Erik knows he will need to be quick so as not to arouse suspicion, so he makes sure to arrive at the house only ten minutes early to give him a moderate amount of time to do what he needs to. The designated place for the staff gathering is at the front of the house in a large reception room, but Erik enters through the back door- the metal lock proving no barrier thanks to his mutation- and though he heads in the direction of the meeting room he diverts from course approximately half of the way there, having another motive in mind.

Through talking to Charles Erik has learnt that Kurt’s office is located on the west side of the building, but already Erik knows that finding it might prove to be difficult. The mansion is a vast, sprawling property, comprised of numerous rooms and hallways that at times make it seem very much like a never-ending maze, and Erik knows he only has a limited time to identify which of the many doors leads to Kurt’s office. It’s very much a dry run rather than an actual mission- a way for Erik to plot his route for when he returns at a later date to deal with Kurt properly- but nevertheless timing and precision is vital, as Erik doesn't know when he will get the opportunity again.

Fortunately there is no one in sight as Erik walks briskly through the halls, using his mutation to hone in on where he thinks the office is. Thanks to Charles’ tendency to aimlessly chatter about anything and everything Erik knows that within Kurt's office there is a large metal globe, something that is relatively identifiable to Erik against the mass of the rest of the house- like picking out a ball bearing from within a pile of nails. It's not perfect but it gives Erik something to work with, and within a short while Erik is standing in front of the door that he believes leads to Kurt's office. All Erik needs to do is open the door and look inside to confirm his findings, but before Erik can do so he is suddenly interrupted.

“You don't belong here...”

The voice that speaks to Erik is youthful and feminine, making Erik feel somewhat relieved that it's unlikely to be Kurt himself, but ultimately that doesn't make Erik feel any better about being caught out.

Erik turns around slowly to see who has rumbled him, finding he is being watched by a young blonde girl who appears to be somewhere around thirteen years of age. The girl is leaning against the opposite wall with her arms folded across her chest, and though she certainly looks curious she doesn't appear to be annoyed by Erik's presence or suspicious, and that allows Erik relax at least somewhat.

“Oh? And where should I be exactly?” Erik asks.

“Well, by the looks of that leather jacket you should probably be in a James Dean movie...” the girl replies, a grin slowly spreading across her face. “But perhaps for now you could settle for being in the staff meeting that's about to start down the hallway”.

“Ah yes, I was just heading there but I got, um... lost”, Erik replies, hoping he doesn't sound as stupid as he feels. Erik steps away from the door that he's now almost certain leads to Kurt's office, but before he can move any further away Erik pauses as he realises something.

Given the fact that the party isn't due to start until much later, the only people that Erik expects to be in the mansion at this particular time are the Xavier family and their many employees. It's incredibly unlikely that the girl standing in front of Erik works for the household, and consequently Erik is sure that what he's suspected from the minute he saw her is actually true- that the petite blonde he’s talking to is actually Charles’ sister Raven. Given how much Charles talks about Raven in some ways Erik feels like he already knows her, and as such he can’t help but slip into a small private smile as he thinks about how happy Charles must be now that she has evidently returned from summer camp.

“You’re Raven, aren't you?” Erik says.

Surprise immediately registers on the girl's face as her eyes widen in surprise.

“How did you know that...?”

“I'm friends with your brother”.

“Oh you are??” Raven exclaims, her expression beginning to brighten. “I didn’t know Charles had frie--” Raven pauses and shakes her head as if to correct herself before continuing: “I mean, that's so great that he's had someone to spend time with over the summer. I know Charles was dreading coming back, particularly as he's not had me for company over the past couple of months, so I hope you've been taking good care of him for me”.

It's uncharacteristic but Erik feels himself start to blush, because although it’s unlikely that Raven really knows anything about his relationship with Charles, just the idea of Raven being aware of all the ways he really has ‘taken care' of Charles is distinctly disconcerting... Not because Erik has any reason to believe that Raven would pass judgement, but because even without precedent there is reason enough anyway- because they live in a world that does not look kindly on people who differ from the norm.

Erik clears his throat before responding.

“Yes, Charles and I have become... very close. He's a wonderful person”.

Raven smiles widely, and Erik is reminded of how Charles looks when he is happy.

“That’s what I always say. Charles is the best person I've ever known, and he's the most fantastic big brother too. He's always looking out for me, for everyone really, I just wish sometimes he would look out for himself too”.

“That’s something I've actually told him myself a few times...”

“No kidding! You must know him really well-- um...?”

“Erik. It's nice to meet you”, Erik replies, giving Raven a warm smile.

“Ditto”. Raven steps closer, looking up at Erik as she adds: “So what exactly do you do when you're not hanging out with Charles then?”

“I'm the new mechanic”.

“Oh really? Well you're already more interesting than our last mechanic... He was about ninety and smelled of mothballs. I can already see why Charles likes you more than him”.

“Well Charles and I didn't just bond over the fact that I'm not a geriatric”, Erik replies, before looking around the room cautiously. There is no one else in sight which gives Erik the confidence to speak candidly.

“Yourself, your brother, and I all have something in common...” Erik says, keeping his voice low. “Something very special that elevates us above the average human”.

Instantly Raven recoils slightly, confusion alighting her pretty face, and whether she doesn't understand or she does and she's worried Erik isn't sure, but now Erik has started the conversation he knows he doesn't want to stop. To Erik every mutant is special, every power deserves to be celebrated, and though he doesn't wish to alarm Raven he wants her to know that she has someone on her side right from the start- an ally in arms.

“Raven... I know Charles has told you to be careful about who you show your gift to, but I want you to know that you're not alone”.

Even if saying the words were enough Erik wants to do more, and so he settles on a simple display of power to prove himself to Raven. At all times Erik carries metal with him in some guise or another, and today it is in the shape of two metal chess pieces he has in his trouser pocket. They form part of a chess set Charles gave to Erik some days earlier- a thoughtful gift that came as an expected kind of surprise, as even when he is being spontaneous it is still so like Charles to give so willingly. Erik has kept the pieces with him any time he has ventured out of his apartment since- a helpful reminder of Charles and the commitment Erik has made to him.

As Raven continues to stare Erik retrieves the chess pieces from his pocket and extends his hand, keeping his fist clenched until his arm is outstretched. Then Erik slowly opens his palm, revealing the sight of the metal pieces as they are for only a few seconds before they start to change, modified and moulded by Erik's influence. Using his powers Erik manipulates the alloy until the molecules vibrate, until they are pliable enough for Erik to move them, to create an intricate, swirling pattern in the air. It's something Erik has done so many times and as such it actually takes relatively little concentration, but Erik still needs to actively contain his nerves because, until now, the only other person Erik has done this for is Charles.

Fortunately Raven is an appreciative audience. She watches the display with obvious admiration, her mouth widening as her mind clearly tries to process what her eyes are seeing. It's easier for a mutant, as it always is, and consequently it only takes a short while for Raven to adjust- for a bright smile to spread over her face that very quickly turns into a laugh. Erik smiles back in return, and the moment is wonderful- a memory that Erik knows he will undoubtedly treasure in the years to come.

But though Erik feels he could show off for Raven forever he's still very aware of the fact that they are not exactly in a private location, and consequently after a short while he reforms the metal until it becomes two chess pieces once more. Erik returns the metal items to his pocket, emboldened and reassured by the way Raven continues to smile at him- as if they have just become very dear friends.

“That’s incredible...” Raven says giddily. “So what is this- a case of ‘I'll show you mine if you show me yours'?” she adds with a grin.

“Well only if you're comfortable with that? Charles has told me some of what you can do, but I must say I'm incredibly interested in seeing it for myself”.

“Hmm, well how can I possibly say no to that?” Raven replies.

It's amazing how much confidence Raven has, how much self-assurance, and it’s no surprise that Erik can see the influence of Charles in her, and how she has been shaped by the kind of love and support only Charles can provide.

With no hesitation or uncertainty Raven takes a step back, as if she is presenting herself to Erik, and then she begins to transform. It's one thing to hear about it from Charles and quite another to see it in person, and Erik can't help but gape slightly as Raven's skin shifts and ripples, almost scale-like in appearance as her body shifts into a form Erik recognises- that of Charles’ mother. It's clearly a transformation Raven has undertaken many times before as she does it so seamlessly, and Erik is amused to consider what kinds of hijinks Charles and Raven must have undoubtedly gotten up to when they were children.

But there is something else Erik considers, a thought that surges to the forefront of his mind and begs to be answered, because Erik knows that there is no certainty when it comes to Raven now, not when she can change her form so easily. Raven lingers in her ‘disguise’ for a few moments before her skin shifts again, and then she is Raven once more- or at least the ‘Raven' Erik sees.

“You're incredible...” Erik says as Raven beams in response to the praise. “I've never seen a mutation like that before. It’s extraordinary. I wonder though... The form that I see before me now- is it yours?”

The way that Raven immediately tenses tells Erik he has guessed correctly. The suggestion was evident in the way Raven's skin moved like silken scales when she transformed, and it is confirmed in the way Raven's mouth hardens into a firm line after Erik's question, like she is keeping it closed to contain the secrets within. The last thing Erik wants is to make Raven uncomfortable, but at the same time he believes it's important that she knows she can be open and honest with him, even if she hasn’t with many other people before.

“Charles always tells me I shouldn't...” Raven murmurs eventually, the words so quiet they are almost inaudible. “He says it’s safer that way”.

“Yes, well- Charles may be incredibly smart but that doesn't mean he's always right... You shouldn’t have to hide, Raven- not for anyone. If the world isn't ready to accept you that's only because it's populated by unevolved creatures who are unable to comprehend something they’ve never seen before. We're the future of the human race, Raven- you and I and Charles. You should be proud of what you can do”.

“That's easy for you to say...” Raven grumbles. It’s remarkable how much her demeanour has changed from how she was a few moments before- sullen and reserved as opposed to bright and confident- and Erik can't help but wonder what has caused the shift. Of course it wouldn't be the first time Erik has allowed his convictions to override his sense of appropriate conduct, and now Erik realises that perhaps it was wrong to be so forthright with Raven, and that he might be asking too much of her. But before Erik can open his mouth to apologise Raven starts to transform once more, and the words dry up in Erik's throat.  

If Erik was impressed before he is astounded now. Raven's skin begins to change again, shifting like ripples passing over her body, bringing with them a change in texture and colour that is almost unbelievable to behold. The spectacle was extraordinary enough when Raven was just shifting between two ‘human' forms, but this time it is even more astonishing to watch as Raven's skin flickers from rosy pink to deep navy blue, darker in places where it is almost jewel-like in its appearance. The visage is topped off by coarse orange hair and fierce yellow eyes that at first seem unfeeling and almost cruel, until Erik recognises the inherent softness within them.

“Raven...” Erik says quietly, unable to stop staring. “You're beautiful”.

It's almost imperceptible against her cobalt skin, but the start of a blush begins to colour Raven's cheekbones, making her seem even younger than her years.

“Really?” Raven asks, her voice awed and disbelieving.

“Absolutely. You really have the most amazing gift”.

For a while afterwards Raven continues to gaze at Erik, girlish joy evident on her face, and Erik can't help but think that maybe this is the first time Raven has ever been complimented on her mutation in such a way, given how affected she clearly is. Of course the idea doesn't make complete sense- Raven has Charles as a brother, someone who admires and values all mutants if the way he gushes about them is anything to go by, and yet Erik would almost be inclined to guess that this is the first time Raven has ever been like this praised for her abilities. The question niggles at Erik and he decides the only way to know for sure is to ask, but before he gets the opportunity there is the sound of footsteps hurriedly approaching from down the corridor, and tension rises in Erik as he turns to see who it is.

The sight that Erik sees before him is one he hadn't expected, but one that is very, very welcome. Charles approaches from the other end of the hallway, dressed in a smart black tux that somehow makes him look both incredibly handsome and boyishly cute at the same time. Erik is more accustomed to seeing Charles wearing short-sleeved shirts and casual trousers rather than fitted formalwear, but he finds that Charles looks incredible in either. However there is one main thing that is different in Charles’ appearance on this occasion other than his clothes, and that is the fact that, instead of the gorgeous smile Erik is used to seeing, instead Charles' mouth is set in a firm line- as if he has just discovered something unpleasant.

Erik begins to frown as Charles gets nearer, questions running through his mind as before him Raven inhales a sharp breath and starts to transform once more, quickly changing back into her usual human disguise. By the time Charles has reached them everything is as it always was, expect for the fact that Erik can't seem to rid himself of the unsettling feeling he now has- something that tells him he may have just made a serious mistake.

“Raven”, Charles starts, his voice terse and sharp as he addresses her. “We talked about this. You're not supposed to use your powers in public”.

Instantly Erik intervenes.

“Charles, it's my fault- I asked to see her mutation”, Erik explains, but to his consternation Charles continues to stare at Raven, ignoring Erik entirely.

“You told me you were getting ready for the party. Mother wants us dressed and in the drawing room in thirty minutes, and you know she’ll only be cross if we're late. The man from the newspaper will be here soon to take our photos and if we're not ready then, well, let's just say I wouldn't like to upset Kurt, would you?”

Raven's expression immediately turns contrite, and Erik is disheartened to witness this new side of Charles. He has always known that Charles is incredibly protective of Raven, but to actually see it sheds Charles in a new light that Erik doesn't particularly favour as it makes Charles seem quite controlling more than anything else. Most of all though, Erik knows that the discomfort he’s experiencing is likely because he feels somewhat to blame for Charles’ evident irritation.

“I’ll, um, go get changed…” Raven replies quietly, her expression downcast. “Sorry, Charles”.

Raven starts to move away, keeping her eyes lowered, but after a second she turns back to look at Erik.

“It was nice to meet you, Erik”, Raven says. And then, she turns once more and hurries away.

As soon as Raven has rounded the corner at the end of the corridor and disappeared out of sight Charles turns back to Erik, and it’s clear he is still displeased. Of all the ways Charles has looked at Erik this is Erik’s least favourite, as it makes Erik feel rather like he has been caught misbehaving. Erik’s earlier worries were centred on the idea that someone might catch him sneaking into Kurt’s office, but now Erik’s only concern is Charles and how he may have disappointed him.

“Charles, I’m sorry about Raven… I just wanted her to know that I could be trusted so I showed her what I could do, and she offered to show me her powers afterwards and of course I wanted to see. But no one saw us, Charles, so there’s really no need to worry”.

“There’s every need”, Charles huffs, folding his arms across his chest and glaring up at Erik. “Anyone could have come along at any moment- you’re just fortunate that it was only me who saw you”.

“And what if someone had seen us?” Erik replies, finding himself growing increasingly defensive. “Raven has nothing to be ashamed of and neither do I”.

“It’s not that simple, Erik…”

“It is, Charles. We’re the superior race- you said so yourself. Why should we have to hide for the sake of those simple humans, or make excuses for who we are?”

“Because it isn’t safe to do otherwise!”

The words mark the only occasion on which Charles has ever raised his voice at Erik, and Erik finds that he does not like how it makes him feel. Erik’s immediate reaction is anger- steadily rising ire that surges like heat through his veins; almost a conditioned response to being yelled at by a male voice. But beneath it all is a sense of shame, of internalised disappointment at having done something to upset Charles. Because upset is clearly what Charles is- though his face is set by indignation there is vulnerability in his eyes, making it appear, rather awfully, like he is only moments away from crying.

As Erik stares at Charles his fists slowly begin to unclench, his mouth softening as his fury fades and he notices just how affected Charles is. Charles is _shaking_ \- tremors running through his body as he glares up at Erik, and suddenly Erik is reminded of the fact that Charles is only a young man after all.

“ _Es tut mir leid_ , Charles…” Erik says quietly. “I didn’t think it would-- Well, I suppose I just didn’t think in general. I should have considered the risks before showing Raven my powers. I’m… I’m truly sorry, Liebling”.

Anger is clearly an emotion that Charles is unaccustomed to, as it doesn’t stay with him easily. In response to Erik’s words some of the tension in Charles’ face fades, but rather upsettingly the look of vulnerability remains, making Erik want to do little more than pull Charles close and cradle him gently. But before Erik can attempt to do anything of the sort he starts to hear a tapping noise growing steadily louder, something that he soon realises is the sound of stiletto heels on a marble floor.

Sharon Xavier rounds the corner, and Erik has never been less happy to see her. Charles’ mother is someone Erik, rather fortunately, has only ever encountered once, and even on that brief occasion she managed to come across poorly- giving the impression of someone cold and unfeeling and incredibly judgemental. Erik has always had a hard time understanding how someone as sweet and kind as Charles could have come from someone so awful, but Erik knows that a person’s upbringing can only ever form part of their character, and that some things are just down to who the person actually is inside.

It’s clear that the appearance of his mother has only made Charles feel even more unsettled, as immediately he steps away from Erik, shifting uncomfortably where he stands. Erik remains firm and unyielding, until the point when Sharon addresses them both and he falters.

But perhaps ‘them’ would be overstating it, because Sharon doesn’t acknowledge Erik at all. As she approaches where Charles and Erik are standing she merely looks Erik up and down once, before turning her attention towards Charles.

“I thought I told you and your sister to be in the drawing room already, Charles? Unless you want to be late I’d suggest you stop dilly-dallying with _the help_ and get moving. We won’t wait for you, after all- I don’t care if you are my only son”.

The exchange takes only a few seconds and Sharon doesn’t stop moving throughout it- her stride determined and resolute as she passes Charles and Erik and continues down the corridor, not pausing to witness the impact her words have caused. Charles looks quietly devastated and it matches how Erik feels inside, as never has it been plainer to him how different the worlds he and Charles come from are, and how much he doesn’t belong in this one. Erik, after all, is only ‘the help’- someone Sharon Xavier hasn’t even bothered to learn to address by name, and as such, no matter how they may feel about each other, Erik knows he can never be good enough for Charles.

“I’ll see you around, Charles…” Erik murmurs quietly, turning away. Charles reaches for him, his hand gripping onto Erik’s arm lightly, but the hold isn’t enough to keep him and there is nothing to prevent Erik from leaving to return to his apartment, where he belongs.

 

The encounter with Charles’ mother is something Erik is still dwelling on hours later as he sits on the sofa in his small apartment, thumb rubbing along the rim of the glass of whiskey clutched in his hand.

All thoughts of planning to confront Kurt have been wilfully forgotten, set aside by the kind of despondent moping Erik is unaccustomed to, given he usually favours action over just languishing idly. For the first time Erik’s wider problems don’t boil down to his fears about ruining things with Charles, or his concerns for their future whilst Charles is under Kurt’s thrall. This time, Erik is convinced that there isn’t any future to protect, because he and Charles can’t possibly be together- not in any long-term sense. Charles is, after all, the heir to a substantial fortune, a young man with prospects and options, and a powerful telepath with the whole world at his feet. Erik in contrast is a man in his late twenties who has been ruined by the awful experiences of his late childhood, someone who has no family and no home to call his own, and someone who, until very recently, was seemingly incapable of having a relationship in which both parties were entirely equal.

As Erik sits there he thinks about Charles, about the lavish party Charles is currently attending, about all the high-flying members of society who have undoubtedly flocked to the occasion. Erik knows enough about the Xavier family to realise that they travel in the finest social circles, and as such Erik knows that the mansion will be absolutely packed with only the most prestigious guests- the kinds of people Charles has probably been around his entire life. It’s possible that, had Erik attended the staff meeting after all, he might have been designated a role for the evening that would have afforded him access to the party, but after his exchange with Charles and Sharon that’s the last place Erik wants to be.

And so, Erik remains lounging on the sofa, sipping on his whiskey as he hears the sounds of music and laughter coming from the nearby mansion, reminding him of everything he cannot have. Eventually the situation gets too much and Erik closes his windows to keep out the sound, before retiring to bed for the night.

 

Unsurprisingly, Erik sleeps poorly. Thoughts of Charles still linger, prompting a prominent ache in Erik’s chest as he imagines Charles at the mansion, laughing and socialising, looking resplendent in his expensive tux. It’s likely that Charles will attract attention at the event, perhaps the admiration of some pretty girl who comes from an equally wealthy family, and whose rank and lineage make her a perfect match for Charles. Maybe Charles will find himself warming to such a person as he contemplates how much simpler his life would be were he to choose someone whose background better suits his own, perhaps someone he could one day marry. One thing is for certain- that person will never be Erik.  

Eventually Erik must drift off, because in-between one fitful dream and the next he thinks of Charles, awakening to the wistful hope that Charles will be there, but finding that reality is nothing but a disappointment. The torment lasts for numerous hours, Erik isn’t sure how many, but eventually he awakens to a better kind of realisation, but one that is now tinged with sadness.

Charles slips into the bed next to Erik, soft and warm as he edges closer and wraps his arms around Erik’s waist, pressing his face in-between Erik’s shoulder blades and murmuring quietly. Charles smells of vodka and cologne and mostly just _Charles_ \- a combination that has Erik wanting to immediately turn over to pull Charles into his arms. But doubt and self-pity have Erik hesitating, because although Charles is here that doesn’t mean he _belongs_ here- that doesn’t mean Erik is worthy of him after all.

“Charles, why do you even like me…?” Erik says quietly.

Erik can physically feel Charles tense in response, his grip tightening where he holds Erik around the waist, but after a moment he sighs softly before wriggling closer so that his nose just nudges against the back of Erik’s neck.

“I don’t just like you, Erik- I _love_ you, and it’s for the same reasons you should love yourself. You’re kind. You’re loyal. You’re funny even when you’re trying not to be… You’re protective of me and I adore that, just like I adore the way you care for me, the way you touch me, the way you kiss me… Most of all, Erik- I love you because I _know_ you. Because even without reading your mind I can see what an incredible person you are, and how the goodness within you emanates from your very soul”.

After Charles has finished speaking he hugs Erik tighter, as if he fears Erik leaving and he hopes to keep him, but Erik knows he couldn’t move if he wanted to. Charles’ words filter slowly into Erik’s senses, warming him like sunlight, but although he knows Charles believes everything he’s saying that doesn’t make it true, that doesn’t mean that Erik can set aside his own inhibitions and allow himself to accept that he deserves any of the things that Charles is willing to give.

“This isn’t some silly romance novel, Charles. I could really hurt you”.

“You wouldn’t…”

The words are a challenge whether Charles means them to be or not, and in response Erik abruptly turns over, visibly startling Charles who lets out a quiet yelp and pulls away, his eyes wide and questioning. If Erik is intending to prove anything the intention fades as soon as he sees Charles, as soon as Charles’ expression becomes puzzled, as if he is trying to figure something out. Then Charles moves closer once more, extending both arms out towards Erik, placed together at the wrists in a clear message- a display of submission that tells Erik simply: _“I am yours to do with as you wish”_.

Charles has spent so many nights bound by Erik, shackled at the wrists as Erik is granted the permission to do what he likes, as Erik is given the freedom to explore Charles’ body and use it for his own pleasure as he sees fit. Charles has never asked for anything in return, not really- little more than the opportunity for reciprocal touch, and Erik has only agreed to such a thing a mere handful of times. It seems probable that Charles would consent to live this way for the rest of his time with Erik, that he would give himself over and over in order to keep Erik happy. It’s a kind of selflessness that Erik cannot comprehend, that Erik isn’t used to, and ultimately a kind which makes him love Charles even more.

Without another word Erik leans over to kiss Charles, lingering in that space where their mouths are almost touching and giving Charles the freedom to move closer or pull away if he so wishes. It was likely never in doubt that Charles would reciprocate, that he wouldn’t press his lips to Erik’s in a sweet and tender kiss, a kiss that deepens as Charles’ mouth parts on the echo of a sigh and Erik’s tongue slides in. The embrace is slow and sensual and everything Erik needs to sustain him, and the closeness it provides is so comforting that Erik doesn’t flinch at all when Charles makes an attempt to progress things further- rolling on top of Erik as he hands start to slide under Erik’s shirt.

As soon as Charles is on top he pauses, leaning back and looking at Erik questioningly- most likely looking for objection. But Erik knows he doesn’t want to change a thing, because Charles is glorious bathed in the soft moonlight that filters in through the open curtains- resplendent and beautiful as he gazes down at Erik, his expression turning into a look of wonder. Erik reaches for Charles’ shirt and Charles shifts to assist as the garment is removed, and normally Erik would be content to let Charles continue shedding all his clothing, but he knows this time needs to be different. And so, Erik takes off his own shirt, bearing himself and his scars to Charles is a way he hasn’t done so readily in all the time during which they’ve known each other. Clearly Charles appreciates the gesture, as immediately his eyes fill with feeling and he begins to smile, one hand moving to rest palm-down over Erik’s heart. After that Charles’ underwear is discarded, then Erik’s, and then the two of them are naked together- perfect and unashamed like Erik never dreamed they would be.

For a while they do little more than kiss- Charles lying on top of Erik, his hands roaming over Erik’s body as they rock against each other. Erik’s hands are tangled in Charles’ hair as he kisses him desperately, as he loses himself in the blissful feeling of _Charles_ \- his body and mind. Whether Charles has deliberately stopped shielding or whether it’s an unintentional result of the alcohol he’s consumed Erik isn’t sure, but regardless Erik can feel the pure light of Charles’ mind- a comforting presence against his senses. The connection provides comfort as they kiss, as Erik’s hands trail down to the small of Charles’ back, fingers just circling the area above Charles’ buttocks in a clear but somewhat shy question. Charles of course is perceptive even outside of being a telepath, and he immediately leans back from Erik and starts to smile, before leaning to the side to reach for the lube within the bedside cabinet.

The prep is slow and leisurely, borne out of a need to ensure Charles is cared for correctly, that he is not hurt or mistreated. Once Charles is suitably prepared, and once his moans of enjoyment have begun to border on frustration as Erik rubs his fingers against Charles’ prostate for perhaps the tenth time, Erik removes his hand and reaches for the lube once more, using it to slick up his cock as Charles moves into position. Just the sight of Charles sitting astride Erik’s waist is intoxicating enough, but then Charles starts to slowly sink onto Erik’s cock and Erik’s mind explodes in a riot of lust and disbelief and intense pleasure, because he and Charles have never been together like this and it’s incredible. It’s everything to be able to lie there and watch Charles’ move, to grasp Charles’ waist with sweaty hands as he moves up and down- his cock slapping against Erik’s stomach with each roll of his hips. After a while Erik seizes it, holding Charles’ member firmly and stroking it in time with Charles’ movements- an act that quickly pitches Charles into an apparent state of delirium as he shudders and moans and gasps Erik’s name frantically.

Erik knows he cannot last forever, not when faced with something so beautiful, but he holds out for as long as he can out of a desire to ensure that Charles has received everything he needs from the encounter. When Charles’ movements grow erratic and his breathing becomes fast and laboured Erik allows himself to give in, looking into Charles’ eyes as he gasps out that he’s coming, as his cock starts to throb where it is buried deep inside Charles’ arse. Charles gasps too, his body starting to tremble in the most delicious way as his cock pulses in Erik’s hand, coating Erik’s stomach with come just as Erik finds an equal release, brought on by the feeling of Charles’ orgasm cascading through his mind. It’s unlike anything Erik has ever experienced before- something incredible and astonishing and intense, and it takes Erik some time to realise that the feeling of it has floored him, and that he is lying uselessly back against the pillows as Charles draws his hands reverently over Erik’s face and neck and chest.

When sentient thought returns Erik refocuses on Charles, gazing up at the glorious sight of Charles still straddling him, his skin flushed and his face adorned with the most beautiful smile. Charles leans over and the kiss he places to Erik’s forehead is almost expected by now but still always gratefully received, as each time it warms Erik, and reassures him that he is safe and loved.

That is how Erik always wants to be, here with Charles like this. But deep down Erik knows that dreams are for the dreamers, and Erik has been awake for far too long now.


	8. Chapter 8

 

 

In the morning Charles wakes before Erik- a rare occurrence that Erik puts down to the general feeling of fatigue he has been experiencing that has him wanting to linger in bed, rather than getting up to face the day. As Erik awakens he finds that Charles is still with him, not spooning Erik for once but lying on his side in the bed, his arms and legs wrapped around a spare duvet that almost acts as a barrier between the two of them. Given the intense intimacy of the previous night Erik would have assumed that he would wake up to find Charles still in his arms, their naked bodies entwined beneath the sheets, so the fact that Charles has moved away prompts a feeling within Erik that borders on mild alarm.

“Charles...” Erik murmurs, his voice hoarse with disuse as he pulls the sheets more firmly around himself, increasingly uncomfortable with his own nudity- particularly as he realises that Charles is fully dressed. “Are you alright?”

“Mm...” Charles replies, his face still tucked into the duvet, shielding him from Erik's view. “You know your bed is simply the most comfortable I've ever slept in... I feel like I could stay here forever”.

“Charles, if you expect me to believe that my modest double bed in any way compares to the undoubtedly luxurious four-poster complete with luxury sheets made of the finest Egyptian cotton you most likely have in your bedroom, you’re sorely mistaken. And why are we talking about beds anyway?”

“Perhaps you're right...” Charles continues, seemingly ignoring Erik’s question. “I know mother spends a small fortune on all the furnishings in the house, including our bedding, but in spite of the expense there's just one thing my bed is lacking”.

“And what's that...?”

Finally Charles lifts his head to look at Erik, his eyes wide and sincere as he replies: “It doesn't have you... I sleep so much better here because I know you're next to me, because every time I press my face into the pillow I smell your scent, and it makes me feel at home”.

It's clear there's something Charles isn't saying, some unexpressed worry that has Charles up at such an early hour- dressed as if he is about to leave but without going anywhere. To Erik the events of last night were so wonderful, so beautiful and so unexpected, that consequently he's finding it hard to understand what could have changed in just a few hours.

“Charles, what's going on?” Erik asks, unable to resist the urge to reach for Charles, running his fingers gently through Charles’ hair as Charles' eyes close like he is trying to absorb the feeling. “Why are you up so early? What's wrong?”

“My mother is sending me back to Oxford... I knew I'd have to go eventually but I thought we had another few weeks, and then last night she told me that she'd arranged for me to go back early”.

“How early...?”

Charles’ lower lip begins to tremble before he once more turns to bury his face in the duvet, misery plain in his voice as he replies: “Tonight...”

If Erik wasn’t fully awake before he is now. Panic sparks in Erik’s senses as he sits up in bed, no longer caring about the cover of the sheets that fall down to his waist because everything that matters to Erik is right in front of him, and it’s leaving.

“What?? Why didn’t you tell me this before?”

“I don’t know… I suppose I just wanted us to have one last night together…”

“But… but why is your mother doing this? Can’t you reason with her?” Erik asks, feeling hopelessly bereft as he stares at Charles as he lies there, small and vulnerable on the bed.

Charles scoffs- a bitter sound muffled by the blankets. “I think my mother lost the ability to be reasonable sometime during the fifties… Once she’s made her mind up there’s no changing it. And I know what you’re about to say- that I could just lose my telepathy to influence her, but don’t you think if I was comfortable doing that then I would have altered her behaviour years ago? This is my life and I’m stuck with it, and there’s really nothing I can do”.

But that’s not the way Erik sees it- there are numerous things that Charles could do, or that Erik could do if Charles would let him, but it’s clear that has never really been an option. For probably quite understandable reasons Charles’ family are like his Achilles heel- his own personal weakness that he cannot stand up to. Erik knows only too well what such a relationship can be like, and how it can sometimes take years to overcome the kinds of demons Charles is undoubtedly dealing with. Erik only wishes he could help Charles, because he knows his own life would have been so much easier if he’d had someone to help him when he was younger.

“I don’t understand, Charles…” Erik says quietly. “Why is she so determined that you have to leave straight away?”

“Because of you…”

“Me?”

Charles nods, still hiding his face in the duvet.

“I don’t think she knows it’s _you_ exactly, but both my mother and Kurt have made comments recently about how different I seem, how much happier… They’re both aware of my… my _proclivities_. There was an incident when I was fifteen with the gardener’s son, and ever since then they’ve both made it plainly clear how disgusted they are with me, and how if I were ever to do anything to dishonour the Xavier name then they would send me away forever and make sure I never saw Raven again. I think they thought that sending me to Oxford would help in that regard, almost like it’s a case of ‘out of sight out of mind’, and if they don’t have to deal with me then the problem goes away. But now that I’m back they’re reminded, and unfortunately my mother’s solution is just to make me leave again. I don’t think Kurt’s too happy about the idea, particularly as it means he loses his test subject, but in this area at least my mother calls the shots and she’s made her decision. My flight is booked and I’m being driven to the airport this evening”.

Charles sounds so hopeless, so defeated, and it hurts Erik’s heart to think of Charles on his own in Oxford, cut off from his sister- isolated and alone, unwanted by the very people who are supposed to look after him. Never before has it been more important for Erik to protect Charles, for him to take care of the only person he loves in the whole world, but just like Charles Erik finds he is short of ideas as to how to resolve the situation.

There’s a tightening in Erik’s chest as he looks at Charles, matched by an immovable lump in his throat.

“Charles… Charles this can’t be it. You can’t just… leave”.

Charles turns to regard Erik, and already Erik can see the onset of tears in his eyes.

“I don’t know what else to _do_ , Erik…” Charles sniffles. “Unless… unless…”

“Unless what?”

A sad, gulping of sound leaves Charles’ mouth, as if his lungs are failing him and he cannot catch his breath, but he manages to move so that he is sitting upright, his legs crossed in front of him.

“Unless… You wanted to come with me…” Charles says, his eyes focused on his hands which are twisting in his lap.

Erik is sure his face must betray the surprise he’s feeling.

“Come with you? To England?”

Charles nods. “I know it’s not ideal- I don’t have a proper home there as I’m just living in student accommodation, and I don’t have much money to support us, but… but we could be together, Erik. That’s all I want really- to be with you. We could stay there and keep a low profile, until eventually one day Raven is able to join us. If… if you’d want that?”

It’s a confounding question, because whilst on the one hand Charles is describing what sounds like the most wonderful, simplistic premise, on the other it is something almost unimaginable to Erik. The idea of just being with Charles in England, living some regular, average, everyday life with him- going to work each day and coming home each evening to find Charles there waiting for him... It sounds like domestic bliss, but at the same time like something that is so unattainable- even though it’s what Erik is being offered. Erik hasn’t experienced such a life since he was a child living with his parents, and there is a part of him that worries such simplicity would be unable to sustain him now- like he has spent so long tracking down Nazis and eliminating his enemies that he would be unable to settle for something so uncomplicated.

But at the same time… Erik _loves_ Charles. And therefore would it really be so terrible to just go and live some ordinary life with him, or as ordinary a life as two romantically-involved men in the sixties can possibly have together? Erik knows there’s a very good chance that such a thing would make him happy- as happy as he’s been over the past couple of months with Charles- but at the same time Erik knows that he cannot just leave, not until he has finished what he came here to do in the first place.

“Yes, I’d want that, Charles…” Erik says quietly. There’s an addition to the sentence that Erik never gets to vocalise, because in the next second Charles is launching himself on top of Erik, straddling him on the bed and kissing him passionately as Erik tries to continue speaking. After a short while Erik stops the emphatic onslaught by grasping Charles’ face with both hands, holding him firmly but carefully as Charles gazes down at Erik in patent expectation.

“Charles…” Erik starts, slightly breathless from the kiss. “Liebling, wait- it’s not as simple as all that. I want to be with you, I really do, but there are other things to consider. I can’t just leave tonight, for example- I have things I need take care of, people I need to speak to, arrangements I need to make…”

Erik’s response seems to be as crushing as if he had just said no, as instantly Charles’ face falls- his gaze lowering and his bottom lip starting to tremble. Immediately Erik leans forward to wrap his arms around Charles, beginning to place reverent kisses to Charles’ forehead, his nose, his cheek, and finally his mouth. This time the kiss is slower, more sensual, as if it is the last lament of lost lovers, and it pains Erik to think that’s what they might be.

When Erik is relatively sure Charles has calmed down he ends the kiss, moving instead to pull Charles closer so that his forehead is resting against Erik’s shoulder as Erik gently cradles the back of Charles’ head. The sadness is coming off of Charles in waves- a despondent kind of melancholy that makes Erik’s heart ache- and though Erik wishes he could just tell Charles what he wants to hear and make everything all better he knows nothing in life is ever that simple.

“I _want_ to be with you…” Erik repeats, his voice soft and solemn. “And I promise you Charles that one day I will make that happen, but in the meantime if you have to go then I have to stay, because there are things here that need to be remedied”.

Immediately Charles tenses.

“Erik, you’re not talking about my stepfather, are you?”

“I am… Charles, just because you’re leaving it doesn’t mean we should just forget about what we were trying to achieve, or that we should discard all of your hard work. We have a real opportunity here to make Kurt pay for what he’s done to you, and I for one am not about to let that pass me by”.

“So what are you saying?” Charles asks, pulling out of Erik’s embrace far enough so that he can look at him questioningly. “You want me just to go and you’re going to stay here and continue like you were before? What if it takes you months to gather enough information to report Kurt to the authorities? What if that’s not the end of the matter? What if this all takes years to resolve?”

“It won’t, Liebling. I give you my word”.

“You don’t _know_ that!” Charles exclaims, his voice breaking with stress. “You don’t know anything- none of us do. I could leave for Oxford and never see you again”.

Erik reaches to grasp Charles’ face with his both hands as he shakes his head emphatically.

“No, Charles. I promise you- nothing will ever keep me from you”.

If the words are a lie, Erik doesn't realise it until much later.

 

With the events between them seemingly concluded Charles readies himself to leave- waiting just outside the bedroom as Erik gets changed before they re-join in the living room. Charles is uncharacteristically quiet as Erik walks him to the door, his expression downcast and sombre, and it mirrors how Erik feels. There's a kind of static silence filling the air between them, an absence of communication or affection that somehow expresses everything, and all Erik can think of is how he doesn't want his last few moments with Charles to be like this.

But what alternative is there? Erik could reach for Charles, pull him close, hold him, but even before doing so Erik knows it would just make everything hurt that much more. The only issue is that the alternative is equally harrowing, as even now Erik trembles with the urge to touch him. In the end Erik cannot resist, and so as they come to a stop in front of the door Erik reaches for Charles, cupping his face reverently with one hand. Instantly Charles murmurs at the touch, his hand immediately reaching up to grasp Erik's wrist like he is trying to hold him there. Charles’ eyes are large and sad, his mouth is set in a grim line, and now more than ever Erik cannot resist the urge to kiss him.

The embrace starts as a goodbye but ends up becoming so much more. As soon as their lips touch Charles moves closer, practically falling into Erik's arms as he's always had a tendency to do during the entire time in which they’ve known each other. Charles clings to Erik desperately as they kiss, his arms wrapped around Erik’s waist and pulling their bodies together, making their mutually growing arousal only too obvious. It's a mistake before it starts but one that Erik cannot hope to retreat from now, because even if it's the wrong thing to do Erik can't help himself- he can't help how much he wants Charles.

By the time they are back in the bedroom once more Erik is fully committed to the act, deciding that he will allow himself just this one last encounter with Charles- something to sustain him once Charles is gone. With that in mind Erik manoeuvres Charles onto the bed, continuing to kiss him hungrily as Charles shifts to lie back against the pillows, his body laid out beneath Erik's own like some wonderful gift to be savoured. Normally Erik would like nothing more, but on this occasion he cannot afford to delay, cannot afford to allow the thoughts within his troubled mind to surface where they can be picked up on. Erik needs Charles, needs his touch, his body, his breath. Erik needs to fuck Charles like it's the last time he will ever do so, no matter what that might mean.

Because it does feel like the last time, in spite of all of Erik’s assurances to the contrary. Charles was right when he talked about the uncertainty of their future, and though Erik knows he will do everything he can to prove Charles wrong, he also knows that there are many things in life that he will be unable to control. By staying at the mansion Erik is placing further uncertainty on their future, because there is no way of knowing what the outcome of the dealings with Kurt Marko will be. But there is one thing Erik knows for sure- now, more than ever, he has had enough of Charles’ parents ruining his life, and it’s time for things to change.

But thoughts of revenge and retribution can come later, because for now all Erik needs is what is lying beneath him. Rather desperately Erik reaches for Charles' shirt, pulling it over his head and exposing Charles' gorgeous pale skin- the freckled expanse of flesh that Erik has marked more than once with kisses, and touches, and come. Such acts have always been conducted under the shroud of darkness with Erik as covered as he wishes to be, but there is no hiding now as Erik quickly removes his own shirt- not even thinking to draw the curtains first. Once he has started it is like he cannot stop, and so Erik uses his powers to unfasten his trousers before starting to pull them down. From where Charles is lying in-between Erik's legs the view must be exemplary as Erik removes his trousers and underwear, freeing his large cock which immediately stands to attention, but this time Charles doesn't reach for it- he remains lying where he is, his eyes wide and his mouth gaping as he gazes at the new spectacle of Erik fully nude and leaning over him.

“Charles...” Erik murmurs quietly, a frisson of nerves just beginning to simmer just under his skin as he remains there straddling Charles' waist. “Liebling, are you alright?”

The seconds that pass in silence are almost torturous, but then Charles diverts his gaze to Erik's face- his expression shy and softly awed as he replies: “Darling, you're so beautiful...”

It's something Charles has said more than once, most often when curled up next to Erik at night- when he will whisper the words and snuggle closer at Erik's derisive huffs. This time somehow it means so much more, because Erik allows himself to believe it- to accept that Charles really doesn't look at him and see some scarred, flawed monster. It has taken weeks of careful caution, weeks of kind words and sweet utterances and heartfelt compliments, but now finally Erik can see it- the shining light within him that only Charles can perceive. It's just unfortunate that it comes when they are at their end.

It's easy for Erik to touch Charles after that, to kiss him, to pull Charles' trousers and underwear off so that he is naked too and lie down on top of him, just _needing_ to feel Charles beneath. Charles clings on as they kiss, hands gripping Erik's biceps, smoothing down his forearms, traveling over the expanse of his upper back and down his spine. The touch no longer prompts panic, or a sick kind of self-revulsion. The touch is comfort, it's love, it's everything Erik told himself he never needed, and ultimately it's something Erik knows he will covet once it is gone.

Erik knows he could stay here forever- kissing Charles, cradling his face, leaning back to look into Charles’ eyes, pressing his lips to Charles' temple to soften some of the tension there, rubbing himself against Charles' body over and over again and hearing Charles moan in response. Eventually though Charles’ needs are no match for the slow pace as he leans away to reach for the lubricant in the bedside table, rolling onto his stomach as Erik shifts to the side, and remaining on his front as he passes the pot back to Erik.

Though Charles is lying on his belly on the bed he still can’t stop looking at Erik, gazing back as Erik starts to prep him, as Erik slides his fingers inside Charles’ hole and rotates them, looking for the sensitive part of Charles that will make him squirm. When Erik finds it Charles visibly shudders, legs spreading further open as he grips the pillow and buries his face in it, as if he is attempting to stifle the sounds he is making. But Erik wants to hear Charles- wants to capture the memory of Charles’ voice as he moans, wants to know that he is the one causing the sounds- the person who brings Charles pleasure. And so after Charles is suitably prepared Erik leans over and entwines his fingers in Charles’ hair, coaxing him to turn his face around so that Erik can see.

The sight is not necessarily what Erik expected. This last act between them should be like an expression of joy, of bliss and satisfaction, but Charles’ eyes are sad and his mouth no longer holds any mirth in its line. For a moment Erik can only still where he remains practically sprawled across Charles’ back, his propped elbows being the only thing that keeps his weight from being crushing. Charles has never seemed so small and so fragile- as if the shape of Erik could cover him and hide him from sight, and it’s what Erik wants more than anything- for Charles to be sheltered and protected by him always. But though Erik knows he would do that, though he knows he would make himself both a weapon and a shield for Charles, he knows that even the most impenetrable armour has its chinks, and that it really takes very little for weakness to find its way through.

“Erik, I… _I love you_ ”.

Charles’ voice trembles as he says the words, the anguish in his expression breaking through, becoming tears that start to slide down his face. Erik leans close to kiss him, tasting salt on his lips as his presses his mouth to Charles’ cheek, knowing he is only seconds away from a similar kind of outburst himself, and knowing he would permit it this time. But salvation comes in the form of Charles turning fully to kiss Erik, rolling onto his back and wrapping his arms around Erik’s body- kissing him hopelessly like he needs the contact to live- and Erik is only too happy to reciprocate; to let the embrace become frantic and desperate once more rather than mournful and tragic as it has been.

As they kiss their bodies begin to move into position- Erik leaning over Charles on the bed with Charles’ legs draped over Erik’s thighs, and it’s as close as they have ever been. When Erik pushes his cock inside Charles whimpers slightly, most likely as a result of him feeling tender after their earlier intimacy the previous night, but he doesn’t ask Erik to stop. Instead he looks down and watches as Erik slides inside, as if it feels so amazing he needs to see it to believe it, and in return Erik reaches down to touch Charles- running his hand through Charles’ hair and down his chest, as if it is the last time he will ever do so and he needs to cherish the occasion.

For all that the encounter started off heated and rushed, in the end they fuck as if they have all the time in the world to do so, and like neither of them wants it to end. Charles remains lying back against the pillows as Erik thrusts into him, his toes curling with each roll of Erik’s hips, his chest damp with sweat and his face and body flushed. It’s the most beautiful Charles has ever been to Erik- more so than any time they have been together before- because it occurs to Erik then that this is how Charles should have _always_ been. No metal restraints holding him, no darkness to cover him up- Charles is resplendent in the daylight, and the sensations of love and devotion and pride Erik feels when he looks at him are more potent than they have ever been before. It seems like for most of his life Erik has been searching for something- attempting to find peace through only the most violent means and shutting himself off from the world as a consequence. But peace comes in acceptance, in letting light in, in allowing hope to hold you and heal you, and Erik realises then how much he has learnt from Charles, and how much he still has left to learn.

Because when Charles looks up at Erik and shares his heart once more Erik still cannot reciprocate. He touches Charles reverently, trailing his fingertips gently along Charles’ cheekbone, brushing his thumb against Charles’ mouth, but ultimately keeping his own closed. If Charles is disappointed he does not say it, he simply gazes up at Erik in that soft, awed way he does sometimes, both hands smoothing down Erik’s chest until he reaches for his own cock, and seizing it firmly.

It's everything to be able to watch Charles, as even the resultant shudder from Erik's own orgasm doesn't distract his eyes from Charles’ face. Erik watches as Charles gasps, as his body tenses just before his cock starts to spurt, as he strokes himself through it and shakes afterwards- entire body trembling in the way it always does as he slumps back against the pillows, his arms falling at his side. It's beauty in repose and Erik can't help but touch it, trailing his fingertips slowly across Charles' face, drawing the palm of his hand across Charles' chest and stomach, feeling the rhythm of his heart hammering within his ribcage, as if it is trapped there and it hopes to break free. And after a moment Charles recovers, he lifts his head and looks at Erik, and Erik knows his own face is damp from more than just perspiration now, even if, mercifully, Charles doesn't mention it.

 

As they say their goodbyes for the second time at the door it is much harder. Since they were together in the bedroom they have been almost constantly touching- Charles allowing Erik to lead him by the hand into the bathroom and then clinging onto Erik as they showered, remaining completely still and silent as Erik cleaned him off. Afterwards Charles had stood there equally quietly as Erik wrapped a towel around him, as Erik gently used it to dry Charles' skin, until eventually the look on Charles' face was so painful that all Erik could do was kiss him- hoping to remove the expression but most likely only transferring it to his own face instead.

Even now Charles seems to be in a constant state of distress, appearing like he is always a nanosecond away from crying, and that's the last thing Erik wants. As they stand by the door Erik thinks back over all the days and nights they have spent together in this apartment, all the times when they have kissed and laughed and played, all the moments that made Erik feel whole again- as if the missing part of his soul he lost in Auschwitz has been returned to him once more. Charles is representative of so many things- of life, of hope, of love- but now he is leaving and part of Erik wonders if those things will go with him too.

As soon as Erik uses his powers to open the door Charles turns to him, slumping against Erik's body wilfully and wrapping his arms around Erik's waist. Charles' embraces have always been intense and tactile, like he is either touched starved or he worries Erik might be, and this occasion is no different because Charles' hands keep moving- grasping fistfuls of Erik's shirt where it covers his lower back. Charles breathes in and it's like he's dying- some empty, shuddering sound that has Erik grasping Charles frantically, as if he hopes to keep him alive. But the sound is just a sob- one that hurts Erik but does not break him, even if he wishes he could allow himself to fall apart just this once.

“I don't want to leave...” Charles says miserably, the words mumbled into Erik's chest. Erik doesn't realise when he started holding Charles- cradling the back of his head like he is some poor, fragile thing- and he certainly doesn't remember when it started to feel so natural, and so necessary. But necessary is what it is- as important as air or water or sunlight, or perhaps in some ways more so- like blood; a very real life's essence. Erik _needs_ Charles more viscerally than he has ever needed anything, or anyone, he only wishes that when he learnt to love somebody he also learnt how to let them go.

“I'll see you again soon...” Erik says quietly. It's noncommittal but it's the best Erik can do, because above all else he does not want to lie to Charles, and ‘soon’ is a very vague term.

Before Charles leaves there is one last kiss- an exchange of affection that is equal parts ecstasy and agony, making Erik want to both pull Charles close and keep him forever and forget that he ever knew his face, the sound of his voice, or the goodness of his heart. In those last few moments Erik can _feel_ Charles more than ever before- the hazy spectrum of light that comes from his mind; something that usually feels soft and warm but this time feels like vacant absence- like something very necessary is missing. More than anything Erik wants to tell Charles that he changed his mind, that he’ll come to England after all, but the same conviction that made Erik burn a mark across the world on his search for Shaw leads him now, and the fire is something that will not be extinguished until Erik has seen his plan through to the end.

“Goodbye, Erik…” Charles mumbles tearfully, nudging his nose against Erik’s cheek as he inhales yet another shuddering gasp that makes Erik’s heart ache in response.

“ _Tschüss_ , Charles…” Erik replies, allowing himself to hold Charles for only a few more moments before he lets go.

 

For the rest of the afternoon Erik thinks about whether he should have done things differently- whether he should have held Charles for longer, whether he should have kissed him one more time, whether he should have told him that he loves him. Because Erik does love Charles, after all- he knows it with every fibre of his being- but in this respect more than any other Erik is still little more than a frightened child, and though Charles gives him courage it is not quite enough. Erik makes himself a promise that he will tell Charles later, when he arrives in England and seeks Charles out at his university- when Charles turns and sees Erik and immediately bursts into a beautiful smile, before running over and throwing himself into Erik’s arms. Then, Erik will tell Charles how he feels. Then everything will be perfect.

When the clock reaches seven Erik pretends not to notice, pretends not to have remembered that was the time Charles said he would be leaving, pretends that he did not hear the sound of the driver pulling out of the garage a few minutes earlier. Erik knows it is better to stay inside where it is safer, where he does not have to see Charles and know that in a short while he will be gone. It’s sensible for Erik to stay indoors, but in many ways he has never been one to take the easy option, and consequently it isn’t long before he is grabbing his jacket and hastily hurrying to the door.

As Erik runs over to the front of the mansion he is initially of two minds, both hoping he will get there in time to see Charles and that Charles will already be gone. But thanks to Erik’s mutation he knows that the car is still there, he can sense the hum of the vehicle’s engine as it idles, waiting for its occupant to arrive so that it can leave. The boot of the car is open, the metal of the structure dipping briefly each time a piece of luggage is dropped in, and with each item Erik grows steadily more grateful that Charles isn’t a light packer, because he knows now that he wants to see him one last time.

Erik can sense the metal of Charles’ watch, his pulse thrumming against it as he moves towards the car, as Erik diverts from the path he is on and sprints through a copse of trees, hoping to reach him sooner. The car’s boot shuts closely followed by one of the rear doors and then the driver’s side, and as Erik bursts through the treeline and onto the vast pebbled driveway that spans the front of the house he sees Charles, and Charles sees him too.

Charles is sat in the backseat of the car, his eyes large and his mouth parted in surprise as he gazes at Erik standing there, as the car begins to slowly head past where Erik is frozen in place. Erik knows he could use his powers to stop the car and in many ways he wants to, but instead he remains static as that same blue Corvette that once brought himself and Charles together instead leads him away, taking Charles towards the airport, the waiting plane, and ultimately England. Their eyes remain locked as the vehicle drives by, as Charles raises one hand and presses it gently against, not the windowpane, but the side of the car- as if he knows that Erik will be able to feel it. Erik can feel it, and then he senses something else too- the warm presence of Charles’ mind gently enveloping his own, holding him in a sincere embrace. It’s warmer than it was before, an experience marked by sentiment and longing, and in the moment when the car turns and gradually begins to take Charles out of sight Erik perceives it- the echo of the words Charles presses into his mind:

_“I will wait for you…”_

 

For a while afterwards Erik stays there, numb and immobile as he registers the solitary tear slowly tracking down his cheek, something he almost doesn’t want to reach up to wipe away as even that would be like wiping the memory of Charles away too. It would be easy for Erik to fall into a state of despair, to allow grief and sorrow to take him, to weaken him as it did before on the day he lost his mother. But Erik is stronger now, Erik knows how to survive, and as such he knows what he needs to do next.

The spectre of Kurt Marko lingers in Erik’s senses, reminding him of the pledge he made to Charles within his mind, the promise that he whispered into Charles’ skin on more than occasion whilst Charles was sleeping. Charles deserves to be protected, to know that he is safe and loved, and as such Erik needs to rid him of the people who have hurt him, the people who treat him as if he is a burden rather than a gift. It’s that same conviction and commitment that makes Erik turn towards the mansion, deciding that the time for inaction has passed and that he needs to do this now or never.

Within a short while Erik is walking down the corridor towards Kurt’s office, mercifully granted no audience given the occupants of the mansion seem to be elsewhere. Part of Erik feels like he should have expected to see perhaps Sharon or even Raven as he entered the house but their absence is telling- leading Erik to believe that Sharon did not want to see Charles off and that Raven was not allowed to. It’s most likely for the best though, as Erik does not want to encounter any obstacles on his path to Kurt, knowing that he has delayed for far too long, and in some ways regretting the way he allowed his involvement with Charles to prevent him from acting sooner. But there is no time for regret now, because as Erik reaches the door to Kurt’s office he knows he needs to hone his senses to ensure he is ready to see his plan through.

But as Erik stands at the door a different line of reasoning falls over him, one that has him questioning his earlier intentions. It would be so easy for Erik to step inside the office, to use his mutation to overpower Kurt, to hurt him as he has hurt Charles for so many years. It's what Erik wants but there's one thing that makes him pause, that makes him reconsider. In spite of what motivations may be driving Erik, he knows it wouldn’t make Charles happy.

Charles has made it clear more than once that he feels like Kurt deserves mercy- whether Erik agrees with him or not- and a chance to do the right thing, regardless of the fact that he has never done so before. Though Erik still believes that the simplest solution to all their problems would just be to eliminate Kurt here and now deep down he knows he cannot, for Charles has clearly changed him- no matter how much Erik initially tried to resist such a thing. Charles believes in peace and diplomacy, in reason and understanding, and above all else Erik knows he could never go to Charles if he killed Kurt, because there's a good chance Charles would no longer want him.

With such thoughts in mind Erik backs away from the door to the office, turning and walking down the corridor until he rounds the corner, and then slipping into a nearby small storage room. Using his powers Erik locks himself inside and then he waits, because although he's decided to abandon his plan of ending Kurt's life, he still knows that he needs to confront him and it's best if that doesn't happen in a public place. Beneath the Xavier mansion the research labs lay in wait- Erik can feel them now, mapped out by steel girders and electrical wires. All Erik needs to know is how to get inside, and he will wait all night if it means Kurt will lead him there.

Fortunately it doesn't take quite that long. Erik lies in wait for perhaps forty minutes before he feels the door down the corridor opening, knowing that Kurt has stepped outside by something Erik can sense without sight- the electronic pacemaker within Kurt's chest. The medical advancement is something that has only been around for a few years so the fact that Kurt has one speaks of his considerable wealth and influence, and overall it provides reassurance to Erik- a way for him to track Kurt without being seen.

Maintaining a suitable distance Erik follows Kurt through the winding corridors of the house, continuing to feel relieved as he encounters no one along the way. Vaguely Erik remembers there being discussion of some kind of staff outing tonight, one that Erik declined to attend given he was too wrapped up in Charles, as he still is. The recollection reassures Erik that there will be no one to question him as he creeps along the hallway, looking curiously around the area at the empty space before him. Erik could sense Kurt's presence only a few moments ago and it's still there but fainter now, as if Kurt is no longer on the same level as Erik is, and when Erik feels the round scope of a metal handle behind a supposedly panelled wall where there should be no such handle, he knows he has found the labs at last.

Within a few seconds the panel of the wall shifts, revealing a door that opens easily courtesy of Erik's powers. From there it’s very easy for Erik to step through the doorway and into the darkness beyond, registering stairs leading down that he heads towards, all the while trying to ignore how the experience of entering the small space makes him think oddly of what it might be like to step into a lion’s cage.

 


	9. Chapter 9

It’s dark as Erik heads down the stairs, dim light filtering up from somewhere below as Erik’s footsteps resound on the concrete steps- audible even though Erik tries to hide them. Though Erik has speculated more than once- and has received information from Charles to aid him further- he still has no real idea of what lies in wait for him beneath the mansion. Talk of experiments has always been more than enough to have Erik’s mind filling in uncomfortable gaps, using pain and past experience to elaborate on the things Charles has told him, always assuming the worst. In some ways Erik knows it can’t possibly be as bad as Auschwitz, as nothing could ever compare to that living hell, but regardless the thought of finally seeing the environment in which Charles has been a wilful prisoner for so long sends a certain chill running down Erik’s spine.

At the bottom of the stairwell a long corridor stretches ahead- shadowed and dingy and resoundingly quiet, as if all aspects of life have failed to penetrate this place, leaving it empty and uninhabitable. As Erik advances down the hallway he uses his mutation to run steadily over all the metal in the near vicinity, feeling reassured by the vast amounts of alloy surrounding him, leading him to believe that the initial composition of the basement is almost entirely metal. It’s a comforting realisation, as although Erik intends to deal with Kurt using rather more restrained means than usual, it’s important for Erik to know that he has the tools available to defend himself if necessary.

Because as Erik approaches the end of the corridor he can’t help the feeling of unease that rises within him- not a response to any given thing but an inward and inadvertent revulsion, borne of the familiarity of Erik’s surroundings. The vast majority of Auschwitz was dirty and disgusting- an expected consequence of the people held captive there being treated as barely human- but the areas Shaw inhabited were always stark and bright and clean. Erik spent the majority of his early adolescence within such quarters, in clinical labs where he was subjected to the kinds of pokes and prods that, to this day, still make him flinch when he thinks of them, to malnourishment and mistreatment, to abuse and torture. And as Erik reaches the end of the corridor and sees where it splits into two he fights to choke down the tremors within his body, before the fears he thought he’d long since repressed rise up to haunt him, and to put an end to his mission before it has even really begun.

But within Erik’s mind Charles is a constant presence- the idea of seeing his sweet face once more being the thing that motivates Erik; that urges him to keep going. As has been the case for so many weeks now thoughts of Charles seem like they are enough to chase the darkness away, to set aside the fears that plague Erik- painful memories that have continued to linger even after Shaw’s death, as if killing him was never the solution in the first place. Perhaps it can be this instead- perhaps it can be Erik saving Charles, when he himself could not be saved before.

Erik chooses to go left, continuing to follow the nearby presence of Kurt’s pacemaker- its proximity suggesting that Kurt is still some distance away. In a little while Erik knows he will catch up to Kurt wherever he is in the labyrinth around them, and that finally the events of the last couple of months will come to a head- allowing Erik to accomplish his mission that brought him to the mansion all those weeks ago. Its completion is the singular focus that pushes Erik forward, that urges him on, but as Erik passes by the first door he has come across so far he finds himself faltering, prompted into pausing by the glimpse of something unexpected he sees out of the corner of his eye. All around Erik the environment is stark and white, even whilst dimly illuminated, but as Erik walks by he registers a flash of colour visible through the glass panel in the upper half of the door- a sudden bolt of blue.

The unanticipated azure is something that immediately makes Erik’s blood run cold, because there is something so familiar in that shade of blue, something that does not reconcile with the harsh, stark environment around him. The colour prompts a feeling of warmth in Erik accompanied by a singular fond memory, and though Erik knows he's right he doesn't want to be, because if he's seen correctly then it's clear that everything Charles has feared has suddenly and awfully come true.

With a sense of dread and apprehension Erik uses his powers to unlock the door, before stepping inside the room within and seeing the nightmare become manifest. The scene before Erik is both grimly familiar and newly horrifying, because although Erik expected needles and chemicals and restraints, what he didn't expect to see was Raven- bare and bound to a metal table in the centre of the room. Erik had thought that the idea of Charles being experimented on was the worst thing he could possibly imagine, but to see Raven looking so small and so vulnerable is undeniably more harrowing- particularly given how it reminds Erik rather awfully of his own experiences when he too was little more than a child.

Rather abruptly all thoughts of Kurt and where he is fall from Erik's focus, because all he can think about is taking care of Raven and making sure she is safe. Erik advances across the room swiftly, using his powers to quickly remove the cuffs binding Raven's limbs, as well as administering careful precision as he slowly withdraws the needle that is imbedded in her arm- a metal spike that seems unnaturally large against Raven's slender wrist. Blood instantly rises up to fill the gap in her skin, bright red against royal blue quickly turning purple, stemmed as Erik untucks his shirt from his trousers and uses a corner of the material to press to the wound.

Erik never got to see Charles in this kind of state, and as such he has no way of knowing how long it will be until the sedatives presumably within Raven's system wear off and she is awake once more- all Erik does know is that he does not wish to still be in the basement when that happens. And so, he carefully slides his arms underneath Raven's slight body, pulling her close as he lifts her and turns to carry her towards the door.

 

Thankfully, like before, Erik's journey through the mansion is uninterrupted. Though his own apartment almost seems like the safest place Erik knows he can't risk being seen with Raven outside, and so instead he locates the nearest staircase and heads up it, moving in the direction of Raven's bedroom. The location is one that Erik had gleaned weeks earlier, when surveillance of the mansion as well as Charles' input allowed Erik to put together a crude map of the building, but even though Erik is relatively sure he still hesitates a little before opening the door- wary of who might be inside. Fortunately there is no one present within the room, and the clothes and accessories and still-unpacked luggage Erik sees littered around the space soon tell him that he has presumed correctly.

Still, the room is not quite befitting that of a teenage girl, and as Erik carries Raven over towards the bed he can't help but wonder if all the rooms in the Xavier mansion are like this- lifeless and almost staged, as if the people living in them are never really welcome at all. From the things Charles has said Erik is inclined to believe that it's true, and not for the first time he finds himself feeling terribly sad as he considers the heartless home both Charles and Raven undoubtedly grew up in. Part of Erik wishes he had known Charles his whole life, so he could have been there for him and helped him, and countered all those moments when Charles felt so alone. But even if it's foolish to waste time on such a daydream, Erik at least knows he can help Charles now.

Once Erik reaches the bed he leans down to grasp the covers, pulling them back so he can lay Raven down upon the mattress, before covering her over once more. Her blue skin feels awfully cold to touch as Erik lays his hand upon her brow, watching in consternation as she starts to shiver, prompting Erik to draw the blankets more tightly around her. There's a part of Erik that wants to wait, that wants to be there when Raven wakes up so he can comfort and reassure her, but he knows he has something more important to tend to and therefore he has to leave. But before Erik can move away Raven stirs- yellow eyes opening and instantly going wide when they catch sight of Erik there.

“Erik??” Raven murmurs, her voice blurry as if she has just woken up from a long sleep. “What-- Where am I?”

“Safe”.

“Huh?”

Raven moves as if she is trying to sit upright, but evidently whatever experience she has undergone has weakened her, as she merely shifts for a moment before resettling, her face tense and pained.

“Try not to move…” Erik urges, squeezing Raven’s hand which he can’t remember even grasping. “You need to rest”.

“But I don’t understand… I was in the labs and then-- What happened?”

“I found you there. I got you out”.

“You… Erik, no… That’s not… That isn’t…” Clearly Raven is having a hard time adjusting, as begins to rile on the bed before continuing: “Oh god, when Kurt finds out--"

Erik shakes his head, edging closer as a visible panic seizes Raven- making her move more erratically.

“Raven, it’s okay. I won’t let him hurt you”.

“But you don’t understand--”

“I do, and it’s _okay_. I know what Kurt has been doing and it stops now- I won’t let him hurt you anymore”.

It’s apparent that Erik’s words are of little comfort, as Raven only squirms more desperately- kicking at the blankets covering her legs as Erik moves to seize her upper arms, holding her gently but firmly, not able to understand Raven’s need to get away until she says desperately: “But… But- _Charles_!”

Erik blinks back surprise, grip loosening where he is holding Raven.

“Raven, Charles is on a plane right now- most likely the flight has already left for England”.

“Yes, and if Sharon has her way that’s the last I’ll ever see of him. She told me that this was Charles’ fault- that Charles misbehaved and because of that he was going away, and I was never going to see him again…” Raven’s large yellow eyes immediately start to well with tears, reminding Erik very much of how Charles had looked when he’d told Erik he was leaving, and her hands begin to tremble as she continues: “I can’t _lose_ him, Erik. I can’t live without Charles- he’s everything to me. It’s been hard enough over the past year whilst he’s been at university but at least I always knew he’d be back during the winter and summer holidays, and now I’m not even going to have that anymore. I couldn’t bear it the thought of it, Erik, and I didn’t know what to do, and I just tried to think of a way to make Kurt and Sharon change their minds- for them to let Charles come back- so I went to see Kurt and… and…”

Raven trails off, and as Erik stares at her everything suddenly begins to make sense, but a sense that is unsettling and troublesome. For years Raven had kept her mutation a secret from everyone but Charles, ensuring that both Sharon and in particular Kurt remained oblivious to the existence of Raven’s powers, and yet now- mere hours after Charles left- the secret is out. It’s too much of a coincidence to be exactly that, and as Erik registers the look of culpable guilt on Raven’s face he comes to understand the truth.

“Raven… Did you show Kurt your mutation?”

As Raven nods her face begins to crumple, making her seen even younger than her thirteen years- someone inexperienced and defenceless, who made the wrong decision for the right reasons.

“I thought if I showed him what I could do and offered to help with his research then he’d be willing to talk to Sharon about letting Charles come back...” Raven says miserably. “I’ve always known that Kurt is fascinated with mutants- Charles told me how his father was Kurt’s research partner whilst he was alive- and I just thought that maybe if I gave Kurt something that he wanted then he would listen to me and do what I asked. And he agreed, Erik- he told me that if I helped him he would speak to Sharon for me. So I went with him to his lab and he just said he wanted to test the strength of my mutation so I had to take this serum he’d made and… and… I don’t really know what happened after that”.

Raven’s expression shifts from panicked to sad once more- a mournful kind of melancholy that hints at a lack of understanding of the consequences of her actions, and it prompts a new comprehension in Erik. It’s incredibly unlikely that, knowing what sacrifices Charles had made to protect Raven, she would have then turned around and immediately given herself over to Kurt so willingly once Charles was gone. Charles always talked about how important it was to protect Raven, but he never disclosed how aware Raven was of that protection. And now, for the first time, Erik comes to realise that the burden Charles carried is one he shared alone, save for when he decided to tell Erik.

“Kurt told you he would let Charles come back if you took part in his experiments…?” Erik asks slowly.

Raven nods, sniffling before wiping her face with one hand. “Yeah... He-- he told me I just had to help him, just for a little while, and if I did everything he asked then he'd get Charles back. And I can do it, Erik- if it’s what it takes to get my brother back I'll do it. I’d do anything for Charles”.

“Clearly…” Erik replies quietly, lost in absent thought.

It’s heart-warming really- how far both Raven and Charles are willing to go to protect each other- but it’s dangerous too and that much is evident by the events of this evening, and Erik can’t help but continue to be alarmed by this latest development. It’s one thing for Charles to put himself at risk to protect Raven- something Erik has never liked- but it’s clear that such a thing is something that Charles has always wielded a certain level of control over. The situation with Raven is entirely different- she is much younger, and unlike Charles she lacks the ability to ultimately defend herself. At any time, though he may not have wanted to, Charles could have used his telepathy to halt Kurt’s actions- something Erik is sure he saw Charles do on the night Erik saw them together outside the mansion- but Raven is devoid of such a defence. And now, with Charles about to be permanently stationed thousands of miles away, Raven has placed herself in an incredibly vulnerable position, where there is no one to protect her.

Though Charles has spoken often of the strained relationship between himself and his mother, it’s apparent that there is at least some form of connection- something that allowed Sharon to make the ultimate decision over what happened to Charles this past night. With Raven, the situation is entirely different. Erik remembers listening to Charles talk about the night he and Raven met- when Charles discovered Raven in his kitchen one day, assuming the guise of his mother to keep her presence secret; a ruse that would have worked had Charles not been a telepath. So many people would have acted in fear in that moment, or revulsion, but Charles was different- Charles invited Raven to live with them and used his telepathy to plant a single thought in his mother’s head- _“Let Raven stay”_. That same thought has lingered in Sharon’s head ever since, allowing Raven to become part of the family- in a very real sense after she was officially adopted by Sharon- but it’s not the same thing as a emotional connection and it never has been. And therefore, now Raven has revealed her mutation to Kurt, Erik knows that there’s nothing to stop Kurt from taking advantage of Raven, from hurting her, or perhaps ultimately from keeping Raven locked in the labs beneath the mansion forever, defenceless and alone.

As Erik sits there he reaches over to gently stroke one hand through Raven’s coarse hair, something that evidently must remind her of her current appearance as she immediately lets out an uneven gasp, before starting to shift back into her ‘human’ form once more. It’s clear though that whatever happened in the labs has affected her, as the scales of her skin shift and flicker between blue and pink but remain unsustained, as if the transformation is especially difficult and hard to control.

“Hey, stop- you don’t need to do that…” Erik says softly, reaching to grasp Raven’s hand. “I told you before- you don’t have to hide from me”.

For a moment Raven only stares at Erik, her expression soft and disbelieving, and then she begins to cry- large, wracked sobs leaving her tiny body as she slumps into Erik, clinging onto him desperately. Like always Erik can’t help but tense at first, unaccustomed as he is to close contact except for in the case of Charles, but gradually the tension abates, he relaxes, and eventually he wraps his arms around Raven, holding her close as she cries.

 

They remain there for a short while- long enough for Raven to allow all of the upset and distress she’s undoubtedly feeling to leave her, expressed in the form of tears that steadily dampen the front of Erik’s shirt. Strangely Erik finds that he doesn’t mind- it’s oddly calming to be there with Raven, to comfort her- almost as if Erik knows it’s something Charles would approve of and therefore it soothes him, and allows him to still feel connected to Charles in some way. But perhaps it’s for another reason that Erik lingers- something to do with the enduring thought running through his mind; a conscious realisation that Erik has been unable to set aside ever since he found Raven in Kurt’s lab, an obligation that Erik knows he has to fulfil, even if part of him doesn’t want to. Because he knows that Raven needs to be protected- like Charles always wanted- but in order for Erik to be able to do that he knows he’s going to have to do something that Charles wouldn’t like.

Gradually Raven’s sobs decrease in intensity, become sad little sniffles as she clings onto the front of Erik’s leather jacket, pressing her face into his shirt. It’s clear the events of the evening have tired her, and when Erik is sure that Raven is starting to calm down he slowly tilts her backwards, so that she is reclined against the pillows once more.

“You’re not going to leave me, are you?” Raven asks, the fear she’s feeling betrayed by the look in her eyes.

Erik shakes his head. “I’m not going far. You just get some sleep, and by the time the sun comes up I promise everything will be alright once more”.

Raven sniffles again, a small smile forming on her face. “You sound like Charles…”

It’s comforting but it’s not true.

“If only I could ever be that good”, Erik replies, before pulling the blankets up to cover Raven, ensuring she is safe and warm before he leaves her.

 

On the walk downstairs, thoughts of Charles still linger- devotion and obligation blurring Erik’s senses, prompting an ache to form between his temples as if blood is amassing there, creating a point of pressure. There were so many things Erik hoped to achieve after Charles left, things that would ultimately make Charles’ life better so that Erik could go to him thereafter, and they could be together in England like they talked about. But with the discovery of Raven’s involvement things have changed now, and Erik knows the life he wanted to have with Charles is in danger of slipping through his fingers, like salvation that cannot be grasped.

Thanks to his mutation Erik knows where Kurt is- he knows that Kurt is no longer in the labs beneath the mansion but rather in his office, and whether that means Kurt has discovered Raven is gone or not Erik isn’t sure. Regardless, it doesn’t matter. In a short while Erik feels like nothing is going to matter at all.

When Erik reaches the door to Kurt’s office he pauses, like he did earlier that same night, but this time he is not reassessing his actions and ultimately changing them, he is attempting to urge himself to continue when he feels like he cannot. Opening the door will signal the start of so many things, and ultimately the end of them too, and as long as Erik remains where he is he can allow himself to linger, to remember the way things were with Charles- when they were both happy.

A million different thoughts and memories come to mind of the months they have spent together- Charles in those first few days after they met, bright and carefree and charming, teasing Erik and making his interest known. The look on Charles’ face when they were together for the first time, as if he had never known true happiness until that night. All the times afterwards when Charles lay with Erik, when they embraced fully-clothed and Charles whispered to Erik that he would let him do _anything_ , if only Erik would take the first step. And finally the weeks that followed, when Erik slowly gave in, when he gave himself to Charles and allowed the affection between them to deepen; a gradually unfolding intimacy until they ultimately fell in love. If Erik’s resolve falters it’s because he truly knows how being with Charles has changed him, how it has exposed him to feelings he has supressed for years, and consequently how it has weakened him. But Erik cannot afford to be weak now, because he knows what he needs to do next.

The door opens courtesy of Erik’s powers, and inside Kurt looks up from where he is sitting at his desk- the expression on his face surprised and annoyed, as if his instant reaction to seeing something he hasn’t expected is to be irritated by it. Erik steps into the room and Kurt begins to speak, demanding to know why Erik is inside the house, and why he has dared to bother him. If there is any response at all it stays firmly within Erik’s mind, because he knows there would be no use in speaking- not when the damage has already been done- and it’s clear that Kurt grows increasingly infuriated by the situation, as he stands up from his desk and yells at Erik, gesturing at him to leave before he reaches for the phone in front of him as he threatens to call the police.

Erik finds it hard to believe that Kurt would willingly summon the authorities to his house, but nevertheless he stops him- lifting his hand and using an understated flick of his fingers to wrench the phone from off of the table, smashing it into the nearby wall. That’s when Erik sees it for the first time- the look of fear in Kurt’s eyes as he first stares at the ruined phone before turning back to regard Erik, as if the rapidly unfolding events are now becoming clear to him, and he realises he is in very grave danger.

“You’re never going to stop, are you?” Erik asks, not really expecting a response given he hasn’t clearly explained himself in the first place. Nevertheless Erik knows the answer anyway- he knows that Kurt is ruthless and cruel and determined, reminding Erik ominously of someone else he once knew, and as such he knows that no amount of debate and attempted compromise will sway Kurt’s actions, or prevent him from hurting Charles and Raven.

Kurt is afraid- Erik can see it in Kurt’s expression and he can feel it in the hammering of Kurt’s heart as Erik lifts his hand, calmly and methodically training his focus. Within Kurt’s chest the components of his pacemaker are battered by his frightened heart, electrodes and wires sensing the erratic activity and trying to calm it- a noble attempt that is ultimately futile. Because as Erik stares at Kurt he uses his mutation to take control of the small metal gadget, moulding sections into shards, turning the very same device that is meant to save lives into a weapon that will ultimately end one.

The moment when the affects of Erik’s manipulation take hold becomes painfully apparent as Kurt frantically grasps at his chest, his eyes bulging as he groans and gasps, face flushing with colour as he begins to writhe. Kurt is not the first person Erik has watched die, and certainly not the first he’s killed, but it’s the first that makes Erik feel regret, that makes him wish there was any given alternative. But there is no other choice, and as Kurt stumbles around the desk, attempting to reach where Erik is standing, Erik can only watch mutely, taking a step back as Kurt slumps to the floor and reaches out for Erik, as if he is trying to beg for mercy.

The whole event takes longer that Erik would have liked- certainly slower than a bullet to the brain- but it’s necessary to be able to present Kurt’s death as something natural and easily explained. To the outside observer it will simply seem as if Kurt has had a heart attack, and Erik can only hope that the incident will not be one to prompt any kind of concern or interest from the authorities, as that’s the last thing the Xavier family will need. Of course there’s another kind of hope Erik harbours, one he cannot linger on too consistently- that Charles too will believe the death was borne of natural causes, and that Erik will remain blameless. Erik knows it’s fantasy to believe he will be able to lie to a telepath, particularly when he has never been able to before, but at this point hope is what Erik needs to keep him alive, even though around him there is only dying.

Eventually Kurt stops moving and then he is just there- lying on the floor, eyes still wide and bulging, one of his hands outstretched towards Erik’s foot. For a while Erik looks down at him- feeling nothing, saying even less. But gradually the numbness dissipates, replaced by sorrow mixed with acceptance, and overall a prolonged uncertainty as to what to do next. One thing is for certain- Erik cannot remain at the mansion any longer, as even though he knows his disappearance might prompt suspicion it is a safer option than the alternative.

With one last look at Kurt’s prone body Erik turns and leaves the room, stepping out into the quiet hallway, and then freezing on the spot at what he sees before him. It seems too much like a wistful dream to be true but when Erik turns in the corridor he sees Charles there- elated and exuberant as he runs down the hallway towards Erik, not even stopping when he reaches him just slamming into Erik’s body and wrapping his arms around him, as if he does not want to let go ever again.

“I couldn’t do it!” Charles exclaims, his face still buried in Erik’s chest. “I couldn’t just leave you. I don’t care what happens with university and my career- I just want to be with you, Erik. You and I and Raven can just leave, like you suggested- we can go somewhere far away where nobody knows us and just be _together_. That’s all I want, darling”.

Charles continues to cling onto Erik, his arms tight around Erik’s waist, his body snug against Erik’s own. Erik knows he should feel euphoric in response- ecstatic that Charles has returned, that Charles is in his arms, that Charles wants to _be with him_ no matter what the cost. But Erik cannot breathe because he knows something that Charles does not- he knows what he has done, and he knows that it’s a course of action that might ultimately cost him everything after all.

As Charles withdraws Erik remains still- static and stunned as Charles leans back to look up at Erik, the expression of affection and joy on his face beginning to fade as he gazes into Erik’s eyes, as if he is looking for explanation there. Part of Erik wants to immediately grab Charles and pull him close, keeping Charles tucked under his arm as he turns and drags him down the corridor- away from the things that will ultimately break them apart- but he cannot move. And so there is nothing to stop Charles from turning towards Kurt’s office, seeing Kurt’s dead body lying on the floor, and letting out a horrified sound that sets in stone all of the fears Erik has ever founded.

“What did you do…?” Charles whispers, his hands beginning to tremble where they are hanging at his sides. Erik wants to reach for him, wants to bring Charles’ shaking hands to his mouth and kiss them, wants to explain himself to Charles and ask Charles to forgive him, but already Erik knows that would be futile. The expression of quiet horror on Charles’ face says as much, as well as the way he cannot seem to bring himself to look at Erik.

“What did you _do_ …?”

Erik steps away, compounded fear making him retreat, telling him it is safer just to leave and hide rather than stay and be punished. Charles remains completely frozen as Erik passes him, as Erik pauses just for a moment- gazing at Charles’ devastated face as he whispers to him: “I’m _sorry_ ”. But the words are not enough, and therefore there is nothing to stop Erik as he begins to head down the hallway, no comforting words sent in Erik’s direction- just the resounding cry of “What did you do?!” that echoes down the corridor as Erik walks away.

 

In a short while Erik is outside, cool night air sucked in gratefully by aching lungs, heart hammering within his chest as if he has just run for miles, or as if it is about to give out. From inside the mansion Erik can hear a newly disturbing noise- the sound of a woman screaming, most likely Charles’ mother, but it’s not something that makes Erik falter. It isn’t the first time Erik has caused chaos and vanished in its wake, and as such he is accustomed to fleeing without giving any consideration to what he is leaving behind, but this time it is harder. Nearby is an apartment which holds memory, that contains not just items which can be easily replaced but other treasures that can’t- books Charles has given Erik, jumpers Charles has worn that now contain his scent, the chess set Charles gave Erik little more than a week ago- something Erik holds onto somewhat in the form of the two metal pieces he has in his trouser pocket. Erik wants nothing more than to return to the apartment and gather up those possessions, take them with him like an enduring memory of Charles to covet, but he knows he cannot. The life Erik had here is over now, and no amount of cherished items will bring it back.

The sounds of wailing from inside continue as Erik walks down the steps at the front of the mansion, his gaze focused on where the light in the distance gives away to darkness as sight is swallowed up by the dense copse of trees that surround the front driveway. In a few steps Erik will be within that very same darkness, moving away from everything good he has known in the past few months, everything that has helped and healed him, everything that made him believe that he could change. But it’s clear that it was foolish of Erik to ever think he could have a life with Charles, that he could ever settle into some ordinary existence- for he has always known that there can be no peace for monsters, and that is what he ultimately is.

However, as Erik begins to walk across the gravel pathway he suddenly stills at the sound of the front door opening and someone hurrying outside. Erik turns and it’s Charles standing there- still appearing pained and heartbroken but actually _looking_ at Erik, for the first time since he saw what Erik did to Kurt. Erik starts to smile as he gazes over at Charles, feeling hope alight his soul as he considers that maybe there’s a chance for them after all, but then the door opens once more and they are interrupted.

Sharon Xavier steps outside to join Charles and the devastation written on her face is painfully obvious as she grabs hold of her son, attempting to pull him back inside the house. Charles riles against her, starting to shout to Erik, calling his name and telling him to wait, but already Erik knows he cannot. To stay would be to ruin Charles’ life completely, to make his mother disown and disinherit him, to doom Charles to an existence with no real future- something as bleak and unsustainable as Erik has known for most of his life. Though Erik wants to stay with Charles more than _anything_ he knows it wouldn’t be fair to do so, and if he really does love Charles then he will need to love him enough to let him go.

“Erik, wait!” Charles yells as Erik turns away, his voice harsh and shrill as it cuts through the static air. “Erik, _please_ \- don’t leave me! Don’t go! Erik, _I love you_!”

The agony Erik feels in response to Charles’ pleas is unlike anything he has ever experienced before- in some ways as harrowing than the moment when his mother died, because this event is equally cataclysmic. To leave Charles is undoubtedly the right decision, at least how Erik sees it, as he knows he would only be a burden if he were to stay with Charles, and he cannot bear the idea of causing Charles to suffer in that way. Still, the alternative is equally painful, because as Charles continues to shout after Erik it sounds like he is dying, like his entire life is ending right in front of him, and Erik knows it is all his fault.

How foolish Erik was to be with Charles, to allow himself to care for him, to love him. Erik has only ever brought misery on the people he loves, he knows this, so why did he assume that things with Charles would be any different? As Erik begins to walk towards the edge of the driveway he thinks back over the past few months and imagines for a moment what it would be like to go back, to make changes, to prevent himself from ever laying one hand on Charles, or allowing Charles to care for him. But in spite of what has happened, in spite of the resultant agony Erik is feeling now, he knows that he wouldn’t want to change a thing, because he can’t imagine going back to a life that was never brightened by Charles’ presence.

And so, as Erik steps into the darkness he spares one last look back at Charles, hoping that somehow the sight of Charles with sustain him, and provide comfort in all of the years to come when Erik will have to learn to live without him once more.

 

**End of Part One**


	10. Chapter 10

  **Part Two: The Winter of 1966**

 

 

It is hard for Erik to recall a time when he enjoyed winter.

Perhaps that moment was long ago when he was a young boy, when the season brought with it fun and glad tidings- reprieve from school, opportunity to go sledding or ice fishing, occasion for quiet, contemplative reflection as he stood with his mother in their small kitchen, reciting solemn prayers as they lit the menorah together. However, like most things, Erik’s fondness for the season died with Shaw.

After that point, winter signalled the onset of even more hardship than Erik or his people had suffered previously. Life in Auschwitz had always been harsh and unforgiving, but with the change in season came plunging temperatures and bitter conditions- a dire situation that, in many cases, could not be fought through, no matter how much the prisoners may have huddled together in their barracks for warmth. Erik was always spared the worst of the environment, thanks to his unfavourable position as Shaw’s most treasured test subject, but that’s not to say that winter didn’t impact him in other ways. Instead he would be forced to stand with Shaw in his office, watching through the window as the people Erik once knew suffered and died, being tortured with the knowledge that he could be the one to help them- if only he could learn to control his powers.

By the time Erik did learn to harness his abilities winter had passed, but the memory of the unforgiving season is one that stayed with Erik, ever-present throughout all the years of his life. Even now as an adult Erik remembers, and consequently the first sign of snow is something that always prompts ill-feeling, even though Erik knows that the season cannot hurt him anymore.

That same feeling of discontent is there as Erik stands outside in the snow, bitter air swirling around him and bringing with it flurries of icy flakes, sending chills through his body as he looks up at the grand building in front of himself, and then down at the piece of paper clutched in his hand once more. The address scrawled on the invitation is definitely correct- Erik is certainly in the right place- but he cannot help but question his surroundings. When he received word that a company known for their interest in mutant research were holding a fundraising night, Erik assumed that the location for the event would be some vast, corporate building. Instead Erik appears to have arrived at somebody's home- a large manor house situated just outside of Wisconsin.

Nevertheless, commitment prompts Erik to proceed. From what Erik has heard, Worthington Labs are just months away from distributing their so-called ‘cure’ to the mutant population- a serum said to diminish if not eradicate entirely the powers and abilities of mutated individuals. Consequently Erik knows he needs to find a way to infiltrate the company, and to find out everything he possibly can. Rumours of the invention have been circling for the past several months and now, thanks to a tip-off from one of the Brotherhood's informants, Erik is close to gaining access to the kinds of people who can give him the answers he seeks.

Erik’s mission comes as part of the renewed focus that has possessed him for the last four years- ever since the night he left the Xavier mansion, and Charles... For a while afterwards Erik found himself languishing in misery, consumed by a great feeling of loss at no longer having Charles in his life, but through the assistance of his cohorts and allies Erik gradually began to remember what he had dedicated his life to in the years prior to him meeting Charles- the protection of his mutant brothers and sisters. It’s that same mission that has Erik where he is now- on the trail of the latest threat to mutantkind as he works to stamp it out.

The cure is an abomination- a way for baseline humans to attempt to control the mutant population whilst it is still in its infancy- and the very thought of it makes Erik seethe with rage. At this point the existence of mutants is still relatively unknown to the general public, and as such the cure seems very much like an act of oppression- a strike against mutants before they can rise up to fight the human tyrants who seek to suppress them. The whispers from its creators may state that the serum is designed to benefit mutantkind by easing the powers of disadvantaged mutants who cannot control them, but Erik knows differently. In order to distribute the cure to those who need it then surely they will first need to know where those mutants are, and that’s how it starts. It starts with identification, then segregation, and before society can think to protest people are being rounded up and led away- imprisoned and experimented on for little reason other than the fact that they are different.

Erik has lived through enough persecution in the past and as such he will not sit idly by whilst it happens again. Worthington Labs can proclaim their good intentions all they want, but Erik knows the truth and as such he won’t hesitate to intervene.

 

A short while later Erik is stood just inside the foyer of the large house, stamping the snow off his boots whilst he waits for his coat to be checked. Erik’s entrance to the event has been aided by the accomplice who invited him, who orchestrated the inclusion of his name on the guestlist, or rather his alias- Max Eisenhardt; the pseudonym Erik has operated under for the past few years. Recently Erik has decided that it’s safer to keep his true identity a secret, not just because it hopefully keeps him safe from repercussions for the things he has done in the past, but also because it prevents Erik from forming connections with anyone he meets in the present- something that he does not want to risk happening again. As such Erik is accustomed to keeping himself at a distance from those around him, knowing that, in spite of the pleasantries they may exchange, they can never really know him.

As soon as Erik heads into the house he immediately begins to scope out the area, hoping for a sighting of Warren Worthington- the owner of the company that bears his name. Certainly Erik could adopt a more subtle approach- perhaps try to engage in conversation with one of the many individuals who simply work for the company rather than own it- but such methods tend to be long and drawn out, and Erik wants swift answers. If rumours are to believed Worthington Labs intend to commence the human (or rather- mutant) testing portion of their plan as early as the start of the new year, and that means there is only a limited amount of time available in which to intercede.

With such thoughts in mind Erik helps himself to a glass of champagne, sipping on it as he begins to work his way through the room, attempting to blend in. All around Erik the upper echelon of society converse and chatter, exchanging gossip and information that most likely represents matters of the upmost importance to them, but to Erik seems like mindless drivel... It never ceases to amaze Erik how much importance humanity can place in the most trivial matters- marriages and divorces and affairs- when really there is so much more out there to be considered. But at least the idle chitchat proves useful to Erik in one respect- it tells him that it’s unlikely any of the guests in attendance are truly aware of what Worthington Labs are hoping to achieve with this latest attempt to gain financial backing.

Around ten minutes into the event Erik spots Warren Worthington where he is standing at one side of the room, surrounded by an assembly of followers who are likely all trying to curry favour for one reason or another. Erik knows he can’t just walk straight up to the small group and barge his way in, and so for a while he lingers on the outskirts, looking for a suitable topic of conversation upon which to move in on. When the opportunity arrives Erik eases himself into the crowd, and within a short while he is speaking to the main man himself- using all of the charm and charisma he can muster to ingratiate himself, even if it is all given through gritted teeth…

The conversation runs smoothly, and Erik is able to successfully give the impression that he is the wealthy owner of a reputable small business- one that is looking to invest its money in a worthy cause. Evidently Worthington must be relatively impressed with Erik as they talk for quite a while, until Erik’s new acquaintance decides that there’s someone Erik simply _must_ meet. Erik follows Worthington through the crowd, being led through throngs of party-goers all chatting and laughing and sipping on numerous drinks, until they both step into an adjoining room and Erik rather suddenly forgets how to breathe.

Even without seeing his face, Erik knows who is now standing in front of him. Erik follows Worthington through an archway into a large reception room, and his eyes immediately fall upon a man standing with his back to them both- a man wearing a smart grey suit, a man with a familiar mop of chestnut brown hair, a man whose body Erik would recognise anywhere, because he still can’t forget what it was like to hold and caress it. Erik’s mouth dries and his heart clenches within his chest as if has just been crushed in a vice, because it has been four years and Erik has still not forgotten him, or stopped wanting him.

In the time since Erik left Westchester not a day has passed where Erik hasn’t thought about Charles- most often recollecting past precious memories of Charles and their time together at the mansion, but occasionally instead wondering where Charles is now, what he’s doing, if he’s happy… More than once Erik has considered what would happen if he were to see Charles again- if it would become apparent that the connection between them has still prevailed, untempered even by years apart. But no matter the amount of times Erik has contemplated the subject, dwelled on it, even fantasised about it, in reality he never really thought it would happen- not until now.

Worthington speaks his name and Charles turns around, and Erik has never seen a sight more welcome or more agonising.

If Charles was beautiful before he is exquisite now- the slender lines of his body filled out with additional muscle, his face more refined and handsome but still somehow boyishly cute, his clothing now perfectly tailored to fit him snugly. The only thing that is exactly the same is Charles’ height- a realisation that provides Erik comfort, as he knows if he were to pull Charles into his arms then Charles could still fit comfortably under this chin, his face tucked into Erik’s chest. As soon as the thought occurs Erik knows it’s what he wants, but equally he knows it’s something he’s never going to have- because Charles looks quietly devastated, as if the shock he is clearly feeling at Erik’s arrival is something that is killing him.

“Charles…” Erik murmurs quietly, the sound evidently lost to the din of the party as Worthington pays him no mind and instead goes on making introductions. As soon as Worthington presents Erik as ‘Max’ the surprise flickers across Charles’ face, but it is only there for a second before it dissipates- any turmoil Charles is feeling clearly pushed aside as a warm smile forms in its place, albeit one that does not quite reach Charles’ eyes.

“Lovely to meet you, Max…” Charles says, extending his hand for Erik to shake.

Erik seizes Charles’ hand and is instantly spellbound, because the touch of Charles is still everything- even something as simple as this. Erik can’t help himself and moves to rub his thumb over the top of Charles’ knuckles, but as soon as Charles registers the touch he flinches, snatching his hand back as if he has just been struck.

If the awkwardness between the two of them is evident people are polite enough not to mention it, as for the next ten minutes or so Erik engages in conversation with Worthington, Charles, and various other guests- chatting aimlessly while inwardly Erik feels like he is dying with every glance Charles shoots his way. Erik wants so desperately to talk to Charles, to ask him how he is, to _touch_ him most of all, but all things are impossible. Rather spectacularly the intentions Erik had when he came to the event have fallen completely from mind, as once again Charles has proven himself to be an unprecedented kind of distraction, and though Erik knows he should focus it’s hard to do so when Charles is clearly so affected too.

Because Charles _is_ affected, after all- no matter how well he may try to hide it. Charles has always exhibited a kind of unparalleled self-confidence, and he is in his element as he talks to the people around him- charming and amusing them with anecdotes and stories and witty little asides. But Erik _knows_ Charles, and consequently he knows when Charles is putting on a front- trying to pretend like everything is fine when really it is not. It is evident in the way Charles’ eyes keep falling on Erik, in the way his smile is thin and sometimes forced, in the way the skin of his neck is flushed with colour- as if he has a particularly embarrassing secret he is trying to hide. The way Charles looks is like a perfect mirror of how Erik is feeling, and part of Erik can’t believe that no one else present is able to pick up on the tension between them.

The torturous experience doesn’t last for too long, but it is still longer than Erik would like. But the worst part is that it comes with no resolution, because the conversation only ends when Worthington declares that he needs to borrow Charles to make some kind of announcement- something that makes Erik uneasy for reasons he cannot explain. And so Erik is simply left watching as Charles smiles politely at everyone before turning away, granting Erik one last soulful look before he leaves.

 

If Erik hits the champagne especially hard after his encounter with Charles he hopes it isn’t too noticeable… Thoughts of Charles swim around Erik’s head as he downs his third glass, unable to stop his hands from shaking no matter how hard he tries, unable to quell the surge of sentiment that lingers within his heart. Even after four years it is palpable how much Erik _yearns_ for Charles, how time has apparently done nothing to diminish the strength of Erik’s emotions. But perhaps Erik should have known that he was foolish to assume that he would ever be able to forget Charles, because after all- how was Erik ever supposed to forget about the only person he has ever loved?

It’s not like Erik hasn’t tried to move on. It’s not like he hasn’t spent years distracting himself with the kinds of plots and missions that equally consumed his time in all the years before Charles- follies that were always designed to bring Erik peace but that never really did. But throughout all things there has been the memory of Charles- of his voice, of his smile, of his heart. Erik closes his eyes and sees Charles on the day he stood in Erik’s apartment, naked except for the thin blanket wrapped around his body, gazing devotedly up at Erik and inviting Erik to touch him. Erik inhales a breath and remembers lying next to Charles in bed, watching Charles’ chest rise and fall slowly in a perpetual rhythm- a soothing sound that always lulled Erik into sleep. Erik feels his heart as it hammers within his chest and knows that it belongs to Charles now, as it always has, and as it always will.

Just after Erik has reached for his fourth helping of champagne there is a noise of glasses being clinked pointedly in the main room, and Erik turns to follow as the throng of partygoers begin to head towards the sound. It’s packed in the large hall, in spite of its size and grandeur, and Erik has to settle for loitering somewhere on the outskirts, gazing across a sea of heads towards where Worthington is now standing on a slightly raised platform. Worthington starts to speak and for the most part Erik is disinterested- convinced that this particular speech is designed merely to whet the appetites and loosen the wallets of the many benefactors in attendance, and that it will provide little intel when it comes to the rather more inscrutable matters Erik is interested in. But as it happens the announcement has more bearing on Erik’s predilections that he would have thought, and not for any positive reason…

As Erik listens to Worthington talk he is able to pinpoint the precise moment when he feels his heart shudder within his chest- errant organ tremoring as if it is about to give out. There are many things that Erik expected when it came to this night, many scenarios he had considered and debated, but as it turns out the events of the evening are wholly unprecedented, and enough to make Erik want to leave immediately without achieving any of the things he intended to.

 

Some time later Erik is standing on one of the balconies that juts from an upstairs room, gazing out at the scene beyond- a wintery tundra that seems to Erik like it is endless beyond measure, like some vast, vapid wasteland, where nothing lush or green remains. The alcohol Erik has consumed is slightly blurring his senses, but where such tipsiness would ordinarily prompt warmth this time it only brings with it sickness, though deep down Erik knows it's less to do with the champagne and more to do with what he heard earlier; what he now cannot forget. From inside there is still a low hum of activity- pleasant, jovial noise that speaks of the success of the event, but to Erik the night has been an unmitigated failure, and not for the reasons he originally feared it might be.

This time, Erik senses Charles before he sees him. Though Erik is not yet reacquainted enough with Charles to be able to immediately register the unique composition of iron in his blood, he can at least recognise the shape of Charles’ watch- something Erik has traced with his powers almost continually since they were reunited, as if it is a tenuous link that connects him to Charles and he cannot bear to let go. It’s for that reason Erik feels as prepared as he possibly can be when he hears the sound of glass doors sliding open and Charles steps out to join him.

Instantly Erik can't help turning to look at Charles, wincing sympathetically as Charles immediately begins to shiver in the bitter air, wrapping his arms firmly around his body in an attempt to keep warm. Erik can recall how Charles has always been sensitive to the cold. Even though they knew each other during the height of summer there were still a few nights when the temperature would drop, and Erik would find himself compromised by an adorably huffy Charles who would wrap himself around Erik like a small koala, snuggling closer in spite of Erik's objections to Charles' cold feet being pressed against his bare legs. The idea of cuddling close to Charles in a similar manner now is incredibly appealing, but it's clear that Charles isn't going to come near enough as he instead moves to lean against the balcony next to Erik, staring straight ahead and apparently avoiding Erik’s eyes.

When Charles finally speaks to break the silence, the words aren't exactly what Erik hoped for.

“Suddenly I find myself wondering if ‘Erik' is even your real name...”

“It is...” Erik replies, continuing to stare at Charles. “You know me”.

“I thought I did...”

There’s a bitterness to Charles’ tone that matches the atmosphere around them, and not for the first time Erik is forced to consider just how much he may have hurt Charles by leaving the way he did.

“It's a pseudonym...” Erik says eventually, deciding it is easier not to broach the unspoken subject matter between them just yet. “It's... _safer_ to keep my identity a secret”.

“Yes, god forbid anyone learn your real name or how you like your coffee or what you look like in the morning and all...”

“Charles...” Erik whispers, the very word painful to utter.

It's awful to see Charles being so avoidant, particularly when Erik knows how approachable Charles normally is- how charming and tactile. More than anything Erik wants to reach out to hold him, to dispel some of the tension between them with careful touches, but the icy barrier that separates them is borne of more than just poor weather and Erik knows it will be difficult to break through- especially after knowing what does now.

“When are you getting married...?” Erik asks quietly.

Finally Charles turns to look at Erik, but the expression on his face is pained and rigid. It's the same look Erik saw Charles have earlier, when Worthington announced to the room that the success of the evening was down to the efforts of the company's most valued contributor Charles, along with his beautiful fiancée Moira- whose home they are actually in tonight. In that moment Erik couldn't help but stare at Charles, unable to decipher the meaning behind the expression on Charles’ face- something that made Erik's heart ache with sorrow.

“Three weeks...” Charles replies eventually. “There’s a conference I have to attend shortly which will take up some of that time, but when we return the ceremony is scheduled to go ahead shortly thereafter. It's going to be... a quiet affair. Just a few guests”.

“Just family?”

“Yes- hers”.

“But what about...” Erik starts, unsure if it's even appropriate to ask after Charles' mother, or Raven for that matter. But clearly Charles senses what Erik is contemplating, as he turns to look away again, chewing slowly on his lower lip.

“My mother died some time ago...”

“Oh. I'm... sorry”.

“Are you?” Charles asks, turning to look at Erik, his gaze plainly confrontation.

It's not exactly an unfair question, given the events of the past, and what Erik did... But though Erik has never harboured any kind of warm sentiment towards Sharon Xavier and he certainly won't be one to lament her passing, the idea of Charles being upset in any way bothers Erik more than he can say.

“What happened?” Erik asks, apparently having decided that he no longer cares whether it's appropriate or not to enquire.

“Boating accident. And it was an accident, before you go thinking I'm anything like you...”

Another completely fair statement, but one that cuts Erik to the bone.

“This spring will be two years since it happened”, Charles adds, drawing his jacket more firmly around himself as a particularly bitter gust of wind courses over them both. “I remember when she was younger Raven always used to ask me if it ever got easier- death, that is. I always told her that it did, but it’s not really true, is it? The pain of death never diminishes, it just becomes something that you think about less frequently until it loses some of the power that it has to hurt you”.

Erik nods quietly, but the response is muted and prompted by the fact that he is only half-listening to what Charles is saying. Because ever since Charles started talking Erik has been unable to stop thinking about one of the things Charles disclosed- the length of time in which his mother has been deceased. When he and Charles first knew each other Erik always thought of Sharon as a continual barrier between the two of them- someone stopping Charles from being happy, and from being with Erik. Though it could perhaps be considered fanciful at best Erik has often wondered what would happen if the expectations placed on Charles were lifted, and he was free to be with whoever he wanted- with no obligations to restrict his behaviour. Deep down Erik always thought that if such a thing were to happen then Charles might attempt to seek him out, so that they could be with each other like they always wanted, but it is clear now that no such thing has happened, meaning there's unlikely to be a future for Erik in which he and Charles are together once more.

For a moment Erik languishes in idle thought, but then he realises he hasn't said anything for quite a while and that he's currently staring down at his own hands where they are tightly gripping the balcony- most likely remembering the last time they caressed pale, freckled skin instead of cold marble. Erik looks up and Charles is watching him, that same unknowable expression on Charles’ face- one that makes Erik desperately wish he was a mind reader too.

“How's Raven?” Erik asks eventually, needing to do something to ease the static silence.

Instantly Charles’ expression brightens, but the smile that forms on his face is still slightly sad and holds little of its usual warmth.

“She's... _Raven_ ”, Charles replies wryly. “She was headstrong when you knew her and she's even more so now. Barely a week goes by where she doesn't challenge me on one thing or another- from who she chooses to date to what she's going to do for a living. I know I’m not her parent and I have no right to make decisions for her. I just... worry about her. I worry about the kinds of trouble she might get herself into if she falls in with the wrong crowd...”

“Charles, Raven's got to be, what- seventeen now? It's to be expected for her to be a little rebellious”.

“I know, I know... It's just difficult knowing how to deal with her- trying to find a way to protect her, without making her feel like she's being stifled. Evidently I must be doing a piss poor job of it as I rarely see her these days...”

“Really?”

Charles nods sadly, his expression downcast.

“She flits in and out of the house so rapidly, most times I don't even know she's there at all. I suppose a lot of it is my fault... Raven doesn't exactly approve of some of the choices I've made recently, with the investment in Worthington Labs and my-- Well, let's just say even though my mother's dead I've somehow still managed to find a new person to disappoint”.

“I'm sure that's not true...”

Charles looks away and shrugs his shoulders as if to suggest disinterest in the topic at hand, but it's clear what he's saying is affecting him.

“I suppose I can't complain too much. It's not like Raven owes me even one minute of her time- I'm not really her brother, after all. Not in any biological way”.

“Don't say that...” Erik urges, stepping closer. “Some things are stronger than blood- wasn’t it you who taught me that? And besides- Raven loves you, Charles”.

Erik moves so that he is stood next to Charles, both of them leaning against the balcony, their elbows just touching, and it's like the proximity is the thing that brings Charles back to full awareness. In an instant Charles’ body gives out the slightest tremor, and then he is looking up at Erik with impossibly blue eyes that are wide and oddly beseeching, as if they are begging Erik to drown in their depths.

“I forgot how easy you are to talk to...” Charles says quietly, his gaze locked on Erik's face like there is suddenly no other person in the universe who could tear his attention away.

Erik smiles, and suddenly remembers how rarely he has smiled in all the years since he left Charles. It’s been hard to, because without Charles Erik’s life has been so much darker, so much colder, and only now is he reminded what it’s like to be brightened by Charles’ presence once more.

Erik’s intention is to tell Charles that he’s happy to see him again after all these years, but instead what comes out is: “I've missed you...”

It's not what Erik hoped for but in response to Erik's words Charles laughs, and rather than being full of genuine amusement it is some strange, startled sound- one that immediately makes Erik wince slightly as if he has just been wounded.

“I remember when you couldn’t even tell me you were happy to see me, or that you liked what I was wearing, or that you wanted to kiss me... You've certainly changed in the years since I saw you last”.

“It's not that. _You_ changed me, Charles... You helped me. You made me into a better man”.

“Hmm, perhaps... But to what end?”

There's a wistful kind of sadness to Charles’ voice as he turns once more to gaze at the scene beyond, at stars slowly flickering into light like pinpricks of fire amidst black coal, and it's like Charles is of the stars too- some beautiful, luminescent wonder, whose light is too far away for Erik to reach. The cold has prompted Charles' cheeks to become tinged with pink, and though Erik normally loves it when Charles’ skin is flushed with colour, on this occasion it only makes Erik feel sad as he knows his touch is not welcome to warm Charles up.

“Have you helped her too...?” Erik asks softly.

“Raven?”

“No... _Her_ ”.

Even saying the word without saying the name is painful for Erik. It's not fair of course- Erik knows he has no right to resent the new person in Charles’ life, particularly when she is almost guaranteed to be perfectly lovely, given Charles has chosen her to marry. Nevertheless there is a bitterness rising within Erik, something that makes him grip the balcony firmly as Charles turns to regard him once more.

“No, Moira came ready-made...” Charles says, smiling slightly. “In many ways she's more together than I've ever been- so smart and brave and self-sufficient. Sometimes I find it remarkable that she's willing to put up with me at all...”

“How long have you been together?”

“It's approaching a year now”.

“And you're already getting married? Isn't that a bit soon?”

Charles' face scrunches in a display of annoyance, and he turns to face Erik fully- folding his arms across his chest.

“Oh and I'm supposed to take your word on this, as the authority on all things to do with marriage and relationships?” Charles asks, glaring haughtily up at Erik.

“No, I'm not saying that... I'm just, I don't know, _surprised_ that you're moving so fast”.

“It's not fast! Moira is good for me so why shouldn't I marry her?”

“You're so young, Charles...”

“What, and that makes me some kind of idiot child who can't possibly understand enough to know what I should be doing with my life?”

“No, I don't think that, I just... I just...”

If Charles is unaware of how close they now are, Erik most certainly isn't. It’s like the irritation Charles is feeling has made him forget himself, because he is now standing only inches away from Erik, so close that Erik can feel the heat coming from Charles’ body and smell the sweetness of his skin. Charles' brow is furrowed and his expression is determined as he stares at Erik, and even in the dim light Erik can make out the smattering of freckles that cover Charles' cheeks like glowing stardust, complemented by the unique red hue of his lips.

“What, Erik? What is it?”

Erik gazes back at Charles for a long moment, lost in his eyes, his scent, his presence- as always.

“Does she make you happy, Charles?”

Evidently the words are the thing that breaks the spell, as instantly Charles' face falters- his gaze lowering as he takes a step away.

“She doesn't make me cry...”

Whatever closeness Erik enjoyed only moments earlier seems to be slipping away, made plain by the way Charles noticeably withdraws, his cheeks appearing to flush from more than just the cold now. It's hard to tell if Charles is just offended by Erik's line of questioning or if there is something more going on, but either way it doesn't seem like Erik is going to get the answers he seeks tonight.

“Erik, I think you gave up the right to have an opinion on anything I do when you abandoned me four years ago...” Charles says, his tone of his voice plainly hurt and verging on callous.

It's no surprise that the words seem to cut through Erik, faster than a bullet and more cleanly than a knife, and inside Erik feels his gut twist in recognition of the awful thing he did, and how he is reminded of it now.

“Charles, I... I never meant--”

“Forget it”, Charles interrupts, shaking his head. “Now isn't the time to talk about that. I have hundreds of guests inside and I can't spend all my time out on this balcony with you. I'm not sure what you hoped to achieve by coming here to see me but--"

“I didn't know you were going to be here, Charles”.

“You didn’t? Oh. I see...”

If Erik didn't know any better he'd almost say that Charles looks disappointed- that much is evident in the way he starts to shift uncomfortably where he stands, as if he fears he has embarrassed himself somewhat. But nevertheless Erik finds he has no time to enquire, as Charles inhales a deep breath as if to steady himself before starting to move further away.

“Well, it was, um, nice to see you again...” Charles says quietly, and Erik hates how polite Charles is being when it is clearly so false. “Please- stay, enjoy the rest of the party, and, um... Well, goodbye”.

Charles turns and begins to head back inside, and Erik can't help but call his name involuntarily, the sound coming out in absence of thought. But the problem is that Erik doesn't know what to say afterwards, doesn't know how to make Charles stay and talk to him, and in the end Erik ends up settling on the same words he said to Charles the last time they saw each other years ago.

“I'm sorry...”

Charles lingers for a moment, his gaze dropping to regard the ground, and when he speaks the utterance is of little comfort, and it resounds in Erik's head for a long time after Charles is gone.

“Yes, well... Those were never quite the words I was looking for...”


	11. Chapter 11

 

 

If Erik calls himself a coward in the days that follow, he knows he deserves it.

Though Erik sits in his small rented apartment and thinks of Charles, considering contacting him more than once, he remains defensively inactive. It would be easy for Erik to reach for the phone, to call the number he has acquired for Worthington Labs, to ask to speak to Charles- now that he knows Charles has his own research facility within the building- but though Erik's hands twitch with the urge to act for a while he cannot. After all, Erik has no way of knowing if such contact would be welcome.

The events of the fundraiser play on Erik's mind as he tries instead to refocus on his original mission- his plan to find a way of gaining access to the inner workings of the company; particularly those pertinent to the mutant ‘cure' project. But Erik knows that his intention and his distraction both have the same next step, because not only could Charles provide comfort to Erik's aching heart, he could also provide the answers Erik seeks- a dynamic that is remarkably similar to when they first knew each other all those years ago.

After around two and a half days of pining and indecision, Erik finally tires of the avoidance. The morning has proved to be frustrating, with an early morning run through the wintery streets and a long spell in the shower doing little to alleviate the tension Erik is feeling; a vexation untempered even by Erik's decision to forgo propriety and reach for his aching cock, stroking it firmly as he thinks of Charles as he was then, closing his eyes as he imagines Charles as he is now. When Erik comes it is to thoughts of Charles spread out beneath himself, shuddering in the way he always used to when he climaxed, eyes fixed on Erik devotedly, like he has never wanted anyone or anything else more. But daydreams are hard to hold, and by the time Erik is dressed and ready to start the day he knows he can delay no longer, and so he takes a deep breath as he reaches for the phone.

The surprise in Charles’ voice when he answers the phone is evident, though Erik is at least reassured that Charles accepted the call once he was told by the receptionist that it was ‘Max' on the other line. After so many days of wavering Erik at least feels that he's prepared to have this conversation with Charles- after all, he has rehearsed it in his head more than once- but as it happens Erik is unable to say any of the things he'd intended to. After only a few seconds Charles interrupts Erik, asking if they can instead speak in person- perhaps by meeting for lunch. It takes Erik a little while to respond, given the thought of seeing Charles again has been enough to stun him into silence, but eventually he agrees, they hang up, and Erik then spends a disproportionate amount of time standing in his bedroom trying to decide what to wear...

 

In the end, the weather dictates Erik's decision more than any overriding need to impress Charles does. When Erik went out earlier in the day it was cold but static- the snowfall on the ground leftover from the previous day and dampened down by the morning's frost- but as Erik briefly steps out onto the small terrace leading from his bedroom, he finds that it has started to snow once more. The weather paints a beautiful scene but Erik knows that the increasing darkness of the sky hints at heavier snowfall to come, and the biting wind that accompanies it is likely to make even the hardiest of people retreat to their homes where it is safe and warm.

With that in mind, when Erik leaves his apartment he is dressed sensibly in thick trousers, a woollen poloneck jumper, and his customary leather jacket- one Erik knows Charles adores, given all the times he used to press his face into it when Erik was holding him. As Erik begins to walk towards where he is meeting Charles he wonders what Charles will be wearing- unable to accurately surmise a comprehensive thought on the matter given that Erik knew Charles during the height of summer, when he would most often be dressed in considerably scant shorts, overlarge t-shirts, and very occasionally formalwear if he was due to attend some function or another. But when Erik rounds the corner and sees Charles standing just outside the imposing office building of Worthington Labs, he finally has his answer.

Even from a distance Erik can see the pinkish flush colouring Charles’ cheeks- something that tells him the thick overcoat Charles is wearing has already proven itself to be an ineffectual barrier against the cold. Instantly Erik wants to pull Charles close and hold him, perhaps taking Charles’ hands between both of his own to warm them, but instead Erik keeps his fists shoved firmly in the pockets of his jacket, not even trusting himself not to reach for Charles when he cannot touch him. Charles appears to be deep in thought as he waits for Erik, a contemplative look on his face as he stands there, his chin tucked into the folds of his scarf and obscuring his mouth from view. But when Erik crosses over the road to join him Charles lifts his head, flashing Erik a tentative smile that is enough to have Erik’s very soul singing in response.

“ _Hallo_ , Charles…” Erik says softly as he comes to a stop. “I hope you don’t mind being torn away from your cosy office for a while to meet me”.

“Oh, no- it’s fine, Erik. Besides, it was my suggestion wasn’t it?”

“Yes, I suppose it was… So, uh, where do you want to eat?”

It was what Charles proposed after all- that they meet for lunch- but as soon as Erik has suggested as much Charles’ smile fades, almost as if that’s not what he really wants, and the assumption is confirmed as Charles shakes his head and takes a step closer.

“Um, would you mind if we go somewhere a bit more private to talk?” Charles asks timidly. “There’s a lovely park just a short distance away- we could wander through there and, um, catch up…”

Erik feels like he would follow Charles anywhere, as long as they can be together, and consequently only a few seconds pass before Erik is nodding his head in agreement, trying not to get too excited about the hope that he is now nursing- that Charles’ desire for them to be alone together might mean there’s a chance for the two of them after all.

 

Of course, by the time Erik is walking through the park such hopes have continued to prove unfounded, as not only has Charles not expressed any happiness at seeing Erik but he also hasn't said much of _anything_ at all. The fact that Erik knows Charles is usually so chatty only makes his current quiet state that much harder to handle, because the silence suggests that Charles is most likely keeping something from Erik, and it's a realisation Erik doesn’t like one bit. Erik knows the best thing for him to do is just to ask Charles what he's thinking, what he's _feeling_ , what he's trying not to say, but such transparency requires courage and conviction, and Erik finds he lacks both in Charles’ presence.

In the end, Erik settles on small talk.  

“This weather really is something else, isn’t it?” Erik says, looking over at Charles just as another gust of wind batters them both. “I thought it was cold this morning but I'm sure the temperature has dropped another five degrees since first light”.

“You were out this morning?”

Erik nods. “I was. I had to go out for my usual morning run, if you remember that?”

“Oh... Well, yes- I do remember”, Charles replies, and Erik wonders if the recollection is something Charles treasures too- all those times during late summer when Erik would exercise and then shower, before crawling back into bed to pull a sleeping Charles into his arms so he could wake him up with soft kisses.

“I just didn't think you'd be out in this weather...” Charles adds. “Aren't you worried about falling over in the snow?”

“Why should I worry about such a thing? Gravity holds no pull for me when I can levitate”.

Charles comes to an abrupt stop, turning to gaze up at Erik in obvious surprise, and suddenly Erik remembers how that particular advancement of his powers is something that only came about in the last few years- in the time after he left Charles.

“You can _what_?”

Erik winces slightly, wishing he had chosen a more tactful way to reveal his latest ability to Charles.

“I can levitate...” Erik mumbles. “It's nothing, really... I just use the magnetic fields of the earth to propel me through the air”.

“Nothing?? Erik, that's _amazing_!” Charles exclaims, beaming widely as he stares at Erik in open astonishment. “I always told you that you could do great things, didn't I? I always said that there was more to you than you knew. And this just proves it- this goes to show that, with the right effort and training, you can hone your abilities until you possess a power than cannot be matched by anyone- even me”.

“You're more than a match for me...” Erik replies quickly, because although what Charles is describing is wonderful it also seems so lonely; to have the kind of power that ultimately makes you one thing above all else- untouchable.

“Mm, I don't know about that... Reading minds is one thing, but possessing the kind of control you exhibit is something else entirely. To be honest Erik I've never known anyone as powerful as you- before or since”.

“That can't be true... You must have met all kinds of incredible mutants”.

“Not really. I've encountered a lot more mutants over the last few years, that's for sure, but to be honest... no one compares to you”.

There's such open sincerity in Charles’ voice and Erik can't helped be lulled by it- reassured by the conviction of Charles' words, as ever. Charles has always been the one to encourage Erik, to tell him he is brave and strong and worthy, and even now Charles’ sentiment seems like it is capable of having the same effect, because instantly Erik feels more appreciated and more secure than he has felt in years.

Now, more than ever, Erik wants to touch Charles. It's not just because Charles is shivering and Erik wants to pull him close and hold him, it's that Erik realises now just how much he needs this- needs Charles, and his love and support. Of course the problem is that Erik knows he does not deserve to receive it. He didn’t back during the summer of 1962, and he doesn't now that they are together once more.

“Charles, why did you want to meet me today, rather than just talking on the phone?”

The abruptness of the question clearly surprises Charles, as for a moment he simply stares at Erik before he turns and begins to walk once more as he starts to answer.

“Oh, well… I suppose it’s a bit selfish of me but I find it easier- I don’t particularly enjoy talking to people on the telephone as it makes me feel so detached from them, because I can’t connect telepathically”. Quickly Charles whirls to look at Erik, appearing worried as he hastily adds: “Not that I’m reading your mind or anything- I know you don’t like that… But even without attempting to pick up on specific thoughts I can always get a general overview of someone’s mentality, like an aura or something. It helps me to understand a little of how they’re feeling, particularly as I’m rubbish when it comes to body language or facial clues or anything like that”.

Erik shakes his head. “Don’t put yourself down. You’re one of the most intuitive people I’ve ever met”.

“That’s not true. You’re not exactly objective on this issue- our connection goes much deeper than anything I’ve ever experienced before so of course you’re going to think that-- that--"

Charles has always had a tendency to open his mouth and let his heart speak before his mind catches up, and clearly it is no different on this occasion given the way Charles trails off and his face immediately begins to flush as he turns to look at Erik with wide eyes. It’s bitterly cold, particularly given the snow steadily falling all around them, but Erik knows the increasing colour rising in Charles’ face has little to do with the temperature, and that it is likely borne of embarrassment more than anything else. Charles comes to an abrupt halt, having seemingly decided that he needs to pause and face Erik in order to say whatever he’s about to next, but it seems like Charles may have chosen a poor place to stop because as soon as his feet land they are there for a moment and then they are gone, and Charles is falling.

Erik reaches out to grab him, hoping to save Charles from slipping on the patch of ice he has evidently stopped on, but the gesture only results in a lot of fumbling and clutching and a small yelp from Charles as he tumbles to the ground, clinging onto Erik and dragging him down also. Erik can’t even think fast enough to save either of them so there is nothing to prevent them from collapsing onto the snowy path- Charles flat on his back and Erik sprawled on top of him- and though Erik has been fantasising recently about having Charles beneath himself once more he knows he didn’t want it to be like this. Instantly Erik is fearful that he may have hurt Charles as Charles appears to be completely stunned as he lies there, but then there is a low rumble of laughter that Erik can feel where his chest is pressed against Charles’ own, and as Erik lifts himself up slightly he sees that Charles is smiling.

“Levitation, huh?” Charles says, before erupting into a fit of helpless giggles.

In return Erik is mesmerised- completely captivated as he lies there looking at Charles, a wide smile splitting his own expression as he laughs at himself, at them both, at the ridiculousness of what’s just happened. Normally Erik would be rather embarrassed at having suffered such a literal pratfall, and he certainly wouldn’t have been able to experience amusement at his own expense, but with Charles everything is easier, lighter, and not for the first time Erik is reminded of the simple joy that can be found in life when he is with Charles.

As Charles continues to laugh Erik’s expression softens into a fond smile, because the sight of Charles when he is happy is so beautiful it makes Erik’s heart clench within his chest. Erik reaches to gently brush Charles’ hair back from his forehead, watching as an errant snowflake lands on the tip of Charles’ nose- lingering for only a second before melting, as if it too is no match for the warmth of Charles. It takes Erik a moment to realise that Charles isn’t laughing anymore, that Charles is completely still and quiet as he stares up at Erik- as if he is similarly stunned into silence; captive and compliant. They have gazed at each other like this so many times before and yet somehow it seems like it has never happened until now - like it is the first time Erik has felt Charles’ body beneath his own, the first time he has looked into Charles’ gorgeous blue eyes, the first time he has reached to gently brush his thumb against Charles’ plump lower lip. Charles murmurs as Erik touches him, and as Erik starts to lean in he wonders if their kiss will feel like the first time too.

“Stop”, Charles says suddenly, starting to squirm under Erik. “Stop. Don’t. I can’t…”

The last thing Erik wants is to hurt Charles, and so he begins to move immediately- shifting so that he is braced on his bended knees, watching Charles who does not appear to be willing to wait for Erik to move away entirely, given the way he is actively wriggling out from underneath him. Erik starts to stand up and immediately reaches for Charles to help him up too, but before Erik can even try Charles is on his feet and retreating, stepping over to the presumed safety of the snow-covered grass rather than the icy path.

“Charles…” Erik says pleadingly, staring at him like he is watching salvation slip through his fingers. “Charles, I’m sorry… I didn’t mean…”

“I can’t…” Charles repeats, shaking his head. “I can’t do this. Please don’t make me do this… This is why I wanted to see you today- to talk to you in person, in private, so that I could say what I needed to once and for all. I didn’t want us to start talking on the phone because I know how easy it is- to fall into that kind of routine where we speak every day, where I find myself waiting for your call, needing to hear your voice. I can’t have that- not now”.

“But… why not? Why can’t we talk every day?”

Charles sighs in exasperation, as if he is very irritated with Erik, but even from a distance Erik can see the onset of tears in Charles’ eyes that make it clear he is desperately sad more than anything else. Suddenly Charles seems very young, as if he is a teenager once more, and it pains Erik to consider how much he must have hurt him even whilst trying not to.

“I’m getting _married_ , Erik…” Charles says quietly. “Don’t you understand what that means?”

“Are you saying we can’t be friends?”

“Of course we can’t be _friends_ , Erik. We can never be just friends. Do you know how hard it is for me to see you again? Do you know how long it took me to get over you? How many months until I was able to stop picturing your face every time I went to sleep at night? How much healing it took for me to stop closing my eyes whenever somebody touched me, because I wanted to fool myself into believing it was you? It’s only just recently that I feel like I’m beginning to get my life together, and then you come along and make everything difficult again. You’ve thrown my whole life into disarray, and for what? So you can access information about the mutant cure Worthington Labs are creating. I don’t know what you thought would happen but I’ve learnt my lesson, Erik- I’m not going to let you use me again”.

In the wake of Charles’ words Erik feels a horrible sensation of sickness begin to pool in the pit of his stomach, brought about by the sudden realisation of what Charles really, truly, thinks of him. Erik always knew that Charles was hurt by what happened between them, he knew that he wounded Charles greatly by leaving the way he did, but to learn that the same action caused Charles to evidently conclude that Erik never really cared for him at all is incredibly painful, because Erik felt more deeply for Charles than he ever has for anyone. But how would Charles know that? Erik never told him how he felt, not conclusively, and just because Charles is a telepath is no reason to assume he knows everything- particularly when he always promised not to pry. The only issue is that now it seems like there is no longer an opportunity to make amends, because although Erik wants to dispel Charles’ statement he can't help but feel like it may be a case of too little too late.

“Charles, I... I never meant to use you. I _didn't_ use you. The way I felt about you... how I feel now... It's real”.

“No”, Charles replies quickly, shaking his head as if to dispel Erik's words. “No, I don't want to hear it. It's not _fair_. Look, in regards to Worthington Labs there’s nothing for you to worry about- everything is under control, I can assure you. And in regards to-- in regards to me, and whatever you might want... It doesn't matter now. None of it does. I'm not some nineteen-year-old kid anymore- I'm older, and I'm wiser, and I'm only interested in moving forward, not revisiting the past. Whatever we were is over. We had our chance, and you let me go”.

“Charles...” Erik murmurs helplessly, heart aching as he stares at Charles, overcome with a desperate need to embrace him but holding back because he knows now that it's the last thing Charles would want. “Charles, I'm sorry...”

Charles smiles, but the expression is sad.

“I know... I know that. It's okay. I don't expect anything of you, just please respect my boundaries and stay away. Let me attempt to have something resembling a normal life”.

“Is that what you want? You want to get married and distribute your mutant ‘cure’ so that you can all can live the same American dream, where everyone is human enough and rich enough and straight enough to fit right in, and if not they're excluded from society?”

“I'm not saying that... You're simplifying things. You always do that...”

“Maybe I do. Maybe that's why I need you to reason with me- to show me how wrong you think I am”.

“I don’t think we have enough time for that...” Charles says. Charles- who once acted like he had all the time in the world for Erik, because there was no one else he would rather be with. But those days are gone now, and strangely it is evident in the way they can't really sustain an argument anymore- in the way Charles has seemingly given up, suggesting that Erik should do the same.

“Okay, Charles...” Erik replies eventually. “Alright. Whatever you want”.

Charles has always seemed like he is too extraordinary to have just a ‘normal life', but if that's what he wants Erik will try to give him that. It's the least of what he owes him.

Charles inclines his head and the air around them swells, becomes a glacial gust that feels to Erik like shards of ice forcing their way down his oesophagus as he breathes in; the sensation like some shuddering last gasp that signals his demise. It's painful but it's nothing compared to how Erik feels as Charles lingers briefly, lifting his head to give Erik one last soulful look; so much communicated between them that cannot be said in mere words. Then Charles wraps his arms around his body, shielding himself from the cold or something more cutting, before he turns and begins to walk away.

 

The failure of the day is still playing on Erik's mind a short while later as he sits in a local diner attempting to gain some respite from the cold. Outside flurries of snow continue to cascade down, covering the streets and buildings in a dense white blanket- something that should make everything seem pure and pristine but only makes Erik feel hollow. In front of Erik his untouched plate of food sits beside a steaming cup of coffee, and though Erik knows he should try to consume something he knows it would be pointless when everything tastes like ash in his mouth.

It soon becomes apparent though that there is little danger of Erik’s lunch going to waste. A cheery little bell signals the arrival of another patron but Erik pays them no mind, as he hasn't to anyone else who has come in from the cold in the past half hour or so, until the point when the trail of footsteps travels all the way over to Erik's table, and someone reaches down to take a fry from his plate.

Immediately Erik looks up, glaring at the person who has so rudely interrupted him, but then he recognises the girl he knew in the young woman standing before himself, and the anger fades.

“Raven...” Erik murmurs quietly.

“I take it you're not going to eat this?” Raven asks, not even waiting for a response before she takes a seat at the table opposite Erik, pulling the plate of food over to her side and quickly starting to make short work of Erik's lunch. For a while Erik can only stare over at her in complete amazement, because of all the people he expected to see today Raven wasn't one of them.

“I'm going to assume by the way you're staring at me like some kind of idiot you're surprised to see me... That's good. It means I have the element of surprise... and your lunch”.

As Raven speaks she reaches over to grasp the cutlery lying on the table, but as soon as her fingers close around the handle of a fork Erik's hand clasps firmly over hers, evidently startling Raven who visibly jumps- both at Erik's touch and at the way the metal implement clutched between her fingers has begun to vibrate as a result of Erik's powers.

“Explain...” Erik says simply, his tone calm and measured but belying any patience.

Raven sighs quietly. “You always were very direct... Alright, give me my hand back and I'll tell you why I'm here. I assume that's what you want to know?”

“It's a start, but I think I'm more interested in how you knew _I_ was here”.

At that Erik releases Raven’s hand, sitting back in his chair and folding his arms across his chest as he looks at her expectantly. It takes some time for Raven to respond, mainly because she pauses to take a sip of water in a clear attempt to steady her nerves, but eventually she looks back at Erik, and for the first time Erik is able to acknowledge how much she has changed. The difference is more significant than it was with Charles, given Raven was a child when Erik knew her, and there is a part of Erik that is forced to wonder how much of Raven's appearance is really _her_ and not just a projection of her mutation. But Erik recognises Raven in her eyes and her smile and her spirit, and it is comforting just being with her again- at least it is, until Raven starts to speak and her words prove to be somewhat jarring.

“So... I suppose you could say I knew you were here because I brought you here. To Wisconsin, I mean. It's something I'd been planning for quite a while, debating how best to make it happen, but as it turns out all it took was one piece of information... news of the latest invention from Worthington Labs”.

Erik has always prided himself on being alert and receptive enough to be able to foresee any situation that might come his way, and consequently that moment is the first occasion in a very long time in which Erik finds himself feeling truly dumbstruck. Rather abruptly Erik feels like he is discovering that everything he assumed about the events that have guided him over the past few months are anything but random, and that there is still so much that he does not understand. Because Erik knows the name of the person who gave him the information about Worthington Labs, and if what Raven is saying is true then that means... that means...

“Raven...” Erik starts slowly. “Are you ‘Mystique'?”

Immediately Raven begins to grin, and the expression would be gloating were it not so naive and unassuming at the same time.

“Cool alias, huh? I wanted something that fit my mutation, and Mystique seemed like a pretty good one. Charles always thought it was pretty dumb, which is probably why I stopped telling him about what I was doing ages ago... He'd pitch a fit if he knew that I'd been speaking to you for months, feeding you bits of information and so on. Um, you're not going to tell him, are you...?”

Raven’s smile fades, and instantly Erik is reminded that he is speaking to a seventeen-year-old girl. Not some skilled informant, as Erik believed when he first received a letter from ‘Mystique’ back in early spring, but a young girl who has most likely been using casual conversations with her brother to obtain information she has no real right having.

“Until just now I didn't realise there was anything to tell... Raven, what in _Gott's_ name are you playing at? You sent me to that fundraiser- to _Charles_ \- without giving me any idea of what I was getting myself into. Do you realise the disruption I've caused just in the last few days? Do you have any idea of the mess you've made?”

“But... But you were happy to see him, right? I know Charles would have been happy to see you too. He hasn't been the same since you left”.

“That doesn't mean he’d want to see me...” Erik says, shaking his head. “In fact, I'm thinking now that it's probably the last thing he would have wanted”.

“Nuh-uh, that's not true. Look, I know Charles can be a little closed-off sometimes, particularly lately, but it's just a front... He used to wear his heart on his sleeve but he hides it now, as if he’s afraid of someone stealing or hurting it, and I know that the cause of that had to be you. He was broken up after Kurt died, like _seriously_ devastated, and there's no way he could really have been mourning our asshole of a stepfather. I don't fully understand what you and Charles had, maybe I'm not supposed to... But I know that he misses you. That he's always missed you”.

For a long moment Erik stares at Raven, allowing her words to sink in, and though they're comforting Erik cannot fully allow himself to believe her- not when it might prompt false hope. What Raven is saying seems entirely reassuring but there’s nothing to suggest that Raven even knows what she’s talking about, because after all- how much can Raven really know about the nature of Erik’s involvement with Charles?

“Raven… I appreciate your support, but I don’t think you’re capable of fully comprehending the history Charles and I share, or understanding why it’s not so easy for me to just insert myself back into his life now…”

“Oh, whatever…” Raven retorts, following up with a rather rude noise that immediately has Erik’s hackles rising in mild irritation. “Look, I know there are certain things I’m not supposed to know- things that society says are wrong and sinful and to be rejected or ignored- but my whole existence flies in the face of what is considered normal, so do you really think I’m incapable of opening my mind and seeing things differently? Charles cares about me, I know he does, but he treats me like a child even now. He tries so hard to keep me safe, without realising that all he’s protecting me from is _life_. I may not have seen anything back during that summer you spent at our house- nothing obvious between you and Charles anyway- but I know what you meant to each other. I spoke to Charles every day, and I could tell how much happier he was. How much happier _you_ made him. That has to mean something, Erik- because I may only be young but I know love when I see it”.

Erik’s mouth dries as he listens to Raven talk, senses honing in on all of the other patrons in the diner as thoughts of pink triangles and persecution flit through his head, because Erik knows the kind of things that could happen were anyone to overhear them. To Erik it would make little difference- he is barely more than a stranger just passing through- but Charles appears to live here, Charles has some kind of standing within the community, and the last thing Erik wants is for all of that to be compromised by a simple lack of tact. But fortunately no one appears to have overheard their conversation, much too consumed as they are by eating their meals and chattering aimlessly, and so gradually Erik begins to untense as he reassures himself that Charles’ secret is still relatively safe.

“Raven…” Erik starts, fixing her with a pointed glare. “We can’t talk about those kind of things here”.

“Why not?” Raven asks, screwing up her face. “If anyone tries anything we can easily stop them- you could tear this place apart with just a flick of your fingers and I-- Hey, ow!”

Reaching over to grasp Raven’s hand and squeezing it bruisingly tight is perhaps a harsher response that Erik would have liked, but he knows he needs to do something to stop Raven before she gets them both into trouble. There’s a part of Erik that can’t help but admire Raven’s tenacity, her spirit, but at the same time it’s clear that her behaviour is untempered, and that she needs careful guidance above all else if she is to find her way in life. Erik knows this is something Charles must have tried, most likely for the entire time during which they have known each other, but he also knows that sometimes the advice of those closest is the last to be heard.

“Are you going to be more careful?” Erik asks quietly, anger fading as he loosens his hold on Raven’s hand and uses his thumb to rub across the ridge of her knuckles briefly in an attempt to calm her. It’s clear that Raven is a little frightened- the speed of her pulse indicates as much- but to her credit she remains stoic as Erik withdraws to sit back in his seat once more. The last thing Erik wants is to upset her, and he can’t help the pang of guilt he feels as he watches Raven shift back to sit with her hands clasped defensively in her lap. But it wouldn’t be the first time Erik has hurt a member of the Xavier family, and he can only hope it may soon prove to be the last.

“Sorry…” Raven mutters eventually, her voice noticeably lowered. “I thought you’d be a bit more excited to discuss, well… _our gifts_. After all- isn’t ‘mutant and proud’ pretty much the motto of the Brotherhood?”

Erik’s eyebrows raise in surprise. “What do you know about the Brotherhood, exactly…?

“How do you think I found you, Erik? After you left I thought about tracking you down more than once, but Charles was so upset I figured it was best to just be with him for a while instead. However, over the last year or so I started looking into your whereabouts. It’s amazing the kinds of information you can find when you have unlimited funds, as Charles and I do now that Sharon’s no longer with us, and it really didn’t take long to locate you”. Raven pauses, a wry smile spreading across her face before she continues: “You realise that some of your previous activities haven’t exactly been subtle … But I’m glad, because it meant I was able to learn about you- and about the Brotherhood. That’s why I started calling myself Mystique, you know- I wanted to be like you. I wanted to _join_ you. I still do…”

“You want to join the Brotherhood?”

“Yep- exactly. I could be so useful to you, Erik. Think of what I can do, and what an asset I could be. That’s all I want, really- to be surrounded by people like me, and to have somewhere I feel like I belong, for once”.

“You belong with Charles… He needs you”.

“Hmph. Charles doesn’t need me… He has his career and his friends and his fiancée- he doesn’t need his kid sister hanging around messing everything up for him”.

“But if that’s what you want- to leave Charles and come with me- then why did you bring me here at all? Why send me to that function when you knew Charles was going to be there?”

“Ah, well… As much as I’d like to just leave it’s not really that simple, because although Charles is incredibly smart he’s also kind of an idiot at times… I’m worried about him, Erik. This business with Worthington Labs scares me. I know Charles thinks he has everything under control, but there’s no way those humans are just going to hand over the cure to Charles so that he can control its distribution. I know he’s a telepath but he’s not invulnerable, so I think he needs our help. Well, he needs _your_ help”.

Just the mention of Worthington Labs has an undercurrent of tension running through Erik’s body once more, because even though Charles told him earlier to leave it alone- that everything was fine- Erik still cannot believe it. It would be just like Charles to get himself into a situation he cannot manage, to put himself in danger for the sake of others, and Erik knows he won’t be able to just sit by and let Charles get hurt again.

“What exactly would you suggest I do…?” Erik asks eventually.

Raven smiles widely. “I thought you were never going to ask… There’s a convention in the mountains next week- Charles is flying out there tomorrow. It’s supposed to be some great meeting of minds; the top brains of scientific research getting together to discuss the cure and what it’s going to be used for. Of course, the majority of the people going don’t know about mutants- not yet- but they soon will and when that happens I think it’s only a matter of time before word gets out, and people start to panic… Charles has always seen things so differently- he thinks that humans can be reasoned with- but he doesn’t know what it’s like when you don’t have the luxury of an invisible mutation. He’s putting himself in a dangerous situation without anyone there to back him up, and I don’t want him to get hurt when I know I could have done something to help him. I can’t let that happen. Can you?”

“You’re the one who claims to know so much about me, Raven... What do you think?”

Erik can’t help the smile that slowly begins to spread across his face as Raven lets out a knowing laugh.

“To be honest, I think the great and powerful Magneto would rather die than let a bunch of humans decide the fate of mutants everywhere- particularly when one of those mutants just happens to be someone he cares about very deeply. I reckon you’ll come with me to Canada, if only for the opportunity to see Charles again… I hope you do, because I know Charles wants you there- in spite of what you may think”.

Instantly Erik’s smile fades, because they are back onto the subject again- the one where Raven apparently sees something that Erik cannot; something that physically hurts him to think about, and want... But nevertheless- intervening in a very important mutant issue is probably reason enough for Erik to go along with Raven’s suggestion, even if that might ultimately mean upsetting Charles.

“Raven, I think there’s a very good chance Charles is going to be rather annoyed if I show up there with you…”

“See, that’s where you’re wrong again. He wants you there. He told me so”.

“Charles told you that?”

Raven nods. “He sure did. It was weeks ago- we were talking about everything Charles was doing with the mutant research and the conference, and he said he wished he could speak to you one more time, so he could ask you whether he was doing the right thing or not. He values your opinion, Erik- he always has. So don’t you think you should go along and give it to him? I… I think it would be good for the two of you to talk again, particularly if I can be the one who made it happen. I suppose I feel like I owe it to you after… after…”

The end of the sentence is lost, but Erik knows what Raven is trying to say anyway. Over the past few years Erik has often thought about Raven and wondered how quickly she recovered from what Kurt did to her, how much she remembers, if she ever told Charles what happened. Though they have not yet discussed it Erik finds he can read answers from Raven’s expression anyway, because the look of sadness and guilt on her face tells Erik everything. It communicates more than just gratitude towards Erik for saving her from Kurt’s clutches, because Raven must know about the events that followed- how Erik killed Kurt before leaving the mansion and abandoning Charles in the process. The catalogue of catastrophic events is one that began with a single act- Raven telling Kurt about her mutation- and it wouldn’t be a surprise to hear that Raven blames herself for the events entirely.

“Raven…” Erik says quietly, pained by the wounded look on her face as she stares down at the surface of the table. “You know what happened wasn’t your fault…”

In response Raven shrugs, but it’s clear she’s feeling anything but nonchalant.

“We all have our crosses to bear, and I suppose that’s mine… I’m trying to live with it, but if I can make things better by doing this for Charles now then I will”.

Raven lifts her head to regard Erik once more, and though the vulnerability remains it is matched by an equal look of determination.

“So…” Raven says eventually. “When do we leave?”


	12. Chapter 12

 

 

Over the course of his adult life Erik has become accustomed to travelling at a moment’s notice- traversing great distances within a short period of time and having little consideration for the possessions and people left behind. As such, he knows he should be more than prepared for an impromptu trip to the mountains, but as it happens Erik finds himself wavering for the first time in years.

Even without considering the subject too deeply, Erik knows that the reason for his hesitance is due entirely to who he will be seeing once he arrives in the picturesque town where the conference is due to take place. Since their last meeting Erik has been unable to stop thinking about Charles, finding himself constantly plagued by memories of lying with Charles in the snow, leaning in to kiss him, and ultimately being rebuffed. On that day Charles made it only too clear that he wanted Erik to leave him alone to get on with his life- a request that Erik is about to disregard in spectacular style- but though Erik feels somewhat guilty about the decision he tells himself he is doing it for the right reasons.

It's important for Erik to protect Charles, to ensure he is safe and well, and in this case it means contravening Charles' wishes in a very deliberate way. The premise of the mutant ‘cure' Worthington Labs has created looms ominously in Erik's thoughts, and he knows he needs to intervene to prevent its distribution. It is, after all, an abomination. A blatant attempt at sterilization of the mutant species, and therefore something Erik must prevent. He only wishes he didn't have to risk hurting Charles to do it- particularly now he is able to see just how much Charles has established for himself a relatively unassuming existence.

Ever since Erik sat with Raven in the diner, conducting a conversation that eluded to the nature of his former relationship with Charles, Erik has once again been forced to consider how much harder he would be making Charles' life if he chose to pursue him. It's something that caused Erik to attempt to keep his distance from Charles when they first knew each other- the realisation of just how difficult it is to love someone of your own gender in the sixties- and increasingly the realisation leads Erik to understand a little more of why Charles has evidently chosen to adopt a heterosexual lifestyle in recent years. Of course, there’s nothing to suggest that Charles’ feelings for his fiancée are anything but genuine- Erik has always known that Charles is attracted to both men and women, after all- but it's certainly arguable that Charles’ choices are ones that ultimately keep him safe, and keep him away from Erik.

With that in mind, it is difficult for Erik to fully commit to the plan of making himself an uninvited guest at Charles' secretive mutant seminar in the near future. Though there is a large part of Erik that is sure it's the right thing to do, that knows he would be acting in Charles' best interests in order to keep him safe, it's the emotional rather than logical part of Erik that causes him to delay. The last thing Erik wants is to upset Charles, to cause turmoil in his new life, but there is no way for Erik to attend the conference without leading Charles to assume that Erik is there for entirely different reasons. After all, Erik is the one who tried to kiss Charles the last time they saw each other, and there is nothing to suggest that Erik won't try such a thing again.

But as Erik stands in his bedroom, disorganised clothes scattered all around him, he makes a promise to himself that he will make no attempt at such a thing. Charles has made his wishes completely clear and Erik will respect them, no matter how much he may yearn for the contrary, and it's that conviction which finally prompts Erik to start packing his items into a small holdall for the journey, confident in his self-belief that he will be able to keep his hands to himself for as long as required.

 

A couple of hours after Erik has finally managed to pack some of his belongings, there is a knock at the door that signals Raven's arrival. Over the past couple of days Erik has attempted to dissuade Raven from coming on this latest venture, as even though it should be a relatively tame affair Erik doesn't want to risk placing Raven in any danger, but just like her brother Raven has proven to be incredibly stubborn, and as such Erik knows there will be no changing her mind.

Still, when Erik opens his front door to regard Raven- wrapped up in what seems like at least five layers of clothing and sitting on an enormous suitcase- he can't help but crack a smile as he considers just how much he has allowed himself to be influenced by one particularly strong-willed young girl.

“You realise we're only going for a week, don't you?” Erik asks with an amused grin.

“Duh... Why do you think I only brought five pairs of shoes? Any longer and I would have had to bring at least another two pairs”.

“Aren't you a shapeshifter? Why do you need clothes at all?”

Raven sighs in apparent exasperation- standing up from the suitcase and taking a step closer, her arms wrapped around her body for warmth.

“We all need to hone our skills, Erik... It's not just as simple as me looking at another person and instantly transforming into them, clothes and all. It takes time and dedication, and the only way for me to learn to mimic the exact shape and texture of clothing is to study it”.

“So that's why you own so many clothes?”

“Well, that and the fact they look cute on me...” Raven replies, her youth and gaiety displayed in the way she winks at Erik. Erik can't even remember the last time someone dared to playfully wink at him, but naturally he suspects that person was probably Charles.

“You better come inside, before you get so cold you have to put the entire contents of your suitcase on...” Erik says, stepping to the side of the door and gesturing for Raven to enter.

“Huh? Don't you want to head straight to the airport?”

“Not exactly...”

It's clear that Raven doesn’t quite understand why Erik is inviting her in, but nevertheless she reaches for her suitcase and begins to drag it inside, until the point when Erik uses his powers to help her by subtly lifting the hefty baggage a few centimetres off the snowy ground. As soon as Raven has crossed over the threshold she wastes no time in immediately heading upstairs without waiting to be invited to do so, stepping into the living room and instantly starting to look around the area, as if she is very interested in her surroundings. Erik doesn't feel like there is anything particularly noteworthy to capture Raven's attention, but nevertheless he gives her a few moments to cast her gaze over books and documents and small metal trinkets dotted around the compact space, until Erik decides it is time to interrupt her.

“Are you ready to go?” Erik asks, briefly glancing down at his watch.

In response Raven turns to regard him, confusion plain on her face.

“What? You just invited me in- why did you do that if you want to leave all of a sudden?”

“I realise I perhaps neglected to tell you the actual means of our transportation... I only hope you're not going to be too alarmed by it”.

“Erik, you're being really weird... What's going on?”

Though Erik knows it is perhaps a little bit immature of him to be so amused by Raven’s evident bewilderment, he can’t help the sly smile that spreads across his face as he takes a couple of steps backwards- moving so that he is standing at one side of the room and Raven is at the other. Raven folds her arms across her chest in apparent annoyance as she waits for Erik to explain himself, but then there is a sudden noise of displaced air and a shift within the room, and Raven’s attention is quickly distracted.

Raven’s eyes go wide and her mouth gapes as she stares at the sight now in front of her- a mutant with vibrant red skin who is standing with his back to Erik, his long pointed tail swishing around his feet. After having known Azazel for over five years now Erik has become accustomed to the incredible nature of his mutation- how he is able to teleport himself without a moment's notice- but he has never forgotten how unusual a spectacle it can be to other people, particularly those who have never seen such a thing before. The effect is apparent on Raven who seems to have been shocked into silence- a speechlessness that is mirrored in Azazel who is equally quiet as he stares back at her. Eventually, Erik's words break the spell.

“Thank you for arriving so promptly...” Erik says, expecting that Azazel will turn to acknowledge him but finding instead that the red mutant remains facing the other way.

“ _Spasibo_... Who is this?”

Raven doesn't appear to be in any position to introduce herself, so Erik steps in.

“Azazel- I'd like you to meet Raven. She's going to be accompanying me on this next venture”.

“I see... She is mutant too?”

“Hey- you don't have to talk about me like I'm not here”, Raven interrupts, screwing up her face. “I can answer, you know- I'm not a mute”.

“I did not say mute, I said mutant...”

Even from a distance Erik can see how dramatically Raven's eyes roll, her aggravation apparent as she fixes Azazel with a haughty glare. To Erik it seems like they are one sarcastic comment away from descending into some kind of sniping match, but then Raven unfolds her arms and clenches her fists at her side, concentration calming her form as she begins a transformation Erik has to admit he's been hoping to see again ever since he and Raven were reunited.

As Raven’s skin begins to shift Erik takes a few steps across the room so that he is in a position to witness Azazel's response, and it's an understated but charming reaction. Considering Azazel is known for his stoicism Erik doesn't exactly expect him to lose his composure, even in the wake of witnessing something so extraordinary, and in truth Erik is mildly amused to see Azazel react _at all_. It's unlike Azazel to express any kind of emotion, but nevertheless as Raven's pink skin gives way to a sea of blue scales there is a noticeable flicker of reaction that flits across his face- something like awe and admiration and disbelief all at once. It's similar to how Erik is sure he reacted when he saw Raven transform for the first time, and consequently it reminds Erik that he and Azazel aren't so different after all- in spite of how their paths in life may have differed in the past.

When Erik first met Azazel it was through Shaw- an association that still leaves a distinctly bitter taste in Erik’s mouth. At that time Azazel had been working for Shaw, but after Erik succeeded in his goal to eliminate his former tormentor Azazel turned out to be surprisingly amenable to the idea of joining Erik's side- and his cause. Nevertheless, even with Azazel’s apparent compliance it still took Erik a while for him to reach a point where he was no longer suspicious of Azazel, where he no longer regarded him as someone whose loyalty was questionable and would one day be tempted away. In some ways Erik still struggles with the association, even after all these years, but overall he has come to accept Azazel as a member of his team, and perhaps something approaching a friend.

It's for that reason why Erik feels like he knows Azazel well enough to predict his reaction to Raven's transformation. Azazel has always had a tendency to be rather reserved bordering on suspicious, just like Erik himself, and as such Erik already knew it would take something significant for him to accept Raven's presence. But there has always been a shortcut when it comes to their kind, and it is evident in the way Azazel visibly relaxes as he watches Raven.

“ _Lisichka_ , you are a wonder...”

The words suggest more sentiment than Azazel has ever expressed in the entire time Erik has known him, and it's clear it is not the reaction Raven was expecting either. Though her skin maintains it's azure tone the hint of a blush begins to colour her cheeks, growing more evident as she starts to turn back into her ‘human' form, until she is standing there- quietly enchanted, her gaze flitting between Azazel's face and the floor intermittently. The rising tension between Azazel and Raven is such that Erik almost feels like he should perhaps leave and give them some privacy, but there's a reason Azazel is here in the first place and it's not to make Erik feel rather like a third wheel.

“Now that we've got that out of the way perhaps we could get back to today's order of business?” Erik asks abruptly, evidently surprising both Azazel and Raven as they each turn to look at him as if they had forgotten Erik was even there.

“Yes... Time to go”, Azazel replies. “You are ready?”

Azazel steps towards Erik in an apparent show of readiness, but then he seems to notice Raven’s overly large suitcase for the first time- something he casts his eye over with dry amusement before he turns to face her.

“I will bring the baggage later... Now- come”.

At first when Azazel extends his hand to offer it to Raven she only looks at him in bemusement, clearly unsure what to make of the gesture, and it is only when Erik reaches over to grasp the red mutant's other hand that Raven finally seems to understand. In a short while she is stepping closer, smiling shyly as she takes Azazel's hand, and then Erik only has a moment to cast his eyes over the muted and somewhat dreary colours of his apartment before there is a noise of displaced air accompanied by a feeling of falling, and then darkness gives way to light.

Erik blinks rapidly as his eyes slowly start to adjust to the harsh brightness all around him, gradually regaining focus as he takes in the sight of an imposing hotel set against a backdrop of vast snowy mountains. They appear to be somewhere around the back of the building, given the small, secluded space they’re occupying, but Erik already knows the reason for Azazel's discretion. Although the conference they are due to attend is focused on the subject of mutants, to actually show up with a man sporting bright red skin would be entirely inflammatory, and Erik wants to tread carefully after all.

“Thank you for your assistance, comrade”, Erik says, turning to shake Azazel’s hand. “I’ll be in touch should I need further support”.

“Good luck”, Azazel replies concisely.

Erik is accustomed to Azazel leaving at a moment’s notice- teleporting without warning or any kind of formal goodbye- so on this occasion Erik assumes things will be no different. However, to Erik’s surprise Azazel lingers for a moment, his gaze unashamedly focused on Raven as she stares back, before Azazel’s trademark abruptness sets in and he suddenly leaves. As soon as they are alone once more Raven turns to look at Erik, but she doesn’t even have to say anything for Erik to know what she’s thinking, and to disapprove…

“No”.

Raven screws up her face. “No? What do you mean- ‘no’? I didn’t say anything…”

“You didn’t have to. I can tell what’s on your mind and you can forget about it. He’s too old for you”.

“Pah… You’re one to talk”.

Raven has a point of course, given the almost ten-year age gap between Erik and Charles, but that doesn’t mean Erik is about to back down. Charles is protective enough of Raven to most likely balk at the idea of her dating _anyone_ , even if she’s technically almost an adult, so the last thing Erik wants is to give him a heart attack by being partly to blame for Raven’s latest inappropriate crush.

“Just, don't”, Erik says eventually. “Please. We're here for a very important reason, and neither of us needs to be distracted right now”.

“Oh right- like you're not going to see Charles and immediately freeze or start spluttering like an idiot...”

“Raven, I'm an adult... I'm capable of controlling myself”.

The sly smile that spreads over Raven's face is one that is very telling, and Erik knows he will likely be seeing the same expression numerous times over the week to come. But for now all he can do is glare at Raven pointedly, before gesturing for her to follow as he starts to head for the front entrance of the hotel.

 

A short while later Erik is taking a deep breath as he enters the hotel lobby, unable to stop himself from staring as he looks around the impressive space. The foyer is a prime example of the luxurious nature of the rest of the hotel because, not only is the outer building grand and impressive to look at, but the inside is also furnished and decorated to an impeccable standard. There are fine marble sculptures and sumptuous silk curtains and more than a few intricate metal chandeliers that Erik can't help but run his powers over, and the whole scene speaks of grandeur and opulence and wealth. Clearly Worthington Labs possess an exorbitant amount of money in order to be able to fund an event in such a place, though there is a part of Erik that can't help but wonder if it is actually Charles who is bankrolling the venture...

“Holy shit...” Raven murmurs, clearly impressed with the surroundings as well; her unbridled enthusiasm somewhat unappreciated by Erik who immediately reaches over to nudge her in the ribs.

Already the hotel staff are starting to stare at them, clearly curious as to their reasons for being there, prompting Erik to reach into his jacket pocket to retrieve the grand-looking invitation he was given a few days previously, courtesy of Raven and her unique mutative skills. It's not the first time Erik has been required to adopt a secretive guise as part of a covert mission, and though this undertaking is arguably less demanding than the other kinds of life-threatening ventures Erik has experienced in the past, he knows that's no reason to get complacent. At the end of the day there is still so much at stake, and that means operating with skill, mindfulness, and tact.

It is evident though that Raven is not accustomed to such methods... She conducts herself as if she is checking in for a holiday- asking the hotel receptionist what time the bar opens and prompting a very pointed glare from Erik. The look seems to work, but by the time Erik and Raven are in the elevator travelling upstairs, Erik has decided it's time for a reminder.

“Raven, you need to be more careful...” Erik starts. “I know you have nothing to hide, but I can't afford to have you doing anything that may bring undue attention on myself. If anyone starts looking too intently into the background and history of ‘Max Eisenhardt' they're not going to like what they find, and the last thing I need is a bunch of rich, influential humans getting suspicious”.

Raven turns to look at Erik from where she is leaning casually against the rear wall of the elevator, a bemused expression on her face.

“Does the great and powerful Magneto really fear the opinions of puny humans?”

“I may not fear them, but that doesn’t mean I'm not wary...”

“Ah, right...”

Raven lapses back into silence, and Erik is relieved to assume that her lack of comeback means she has given up on the subject. However, as Erik turns and idly watches the small mechanism above the elevator door as it signals each floor that passes, he finds that Raven’s silence is actually just a precursor to mischief.

“Erik... Did you ever ask Charles to call you ‘Magneto' in bed?”

Utter shock riles Erik as he whirls to look at Raven, staring at her in disbelief as she grins back at him completely shamelessly. It's clear that Raven knows what she's just asked is incredibly inflammatory, and not for the first time Erik finds that he is woefully inept when it comes to knowing how to deal with a teenage girl.

“Do you have any idea how inappropriate it is to ask me that?” Erik asks with a harsh tone to his voice.

In response Raven scoffs loudly. “Oh, _come_ _on_... Don't be such a prude! You can tell me about this stuff. I mean, I don't exactly want all the gory details- he is my brother after all- but I hope you know you can trust me”.

“Even if I did, I would never discuss these kinds of things with you...”

Instantly the look of levity on Raven's face fades, and Erik can see the hurt and uncertainty in her eyes as she regards him.

“So you don't trust me...”

Perhaps Raven doesn't realise how complicated of a question that is, and how the answer has less to do with her credibility of character and more to do with Erik's inherent inability to trust _anyone_. In truth Erik knows himself and Raven don't really know each other well enough for her to understand where he's coming from, in spite of what she may know about him, and really the time to discuss it is not when they are both trapped in an elevator with the doors due to open at any minute.

Of course, Erik is kind enough to not want to leave Raven in a place where she may be hurting, so as the elevator arrives on the correct floor Erik reaches out and uses his powers to take control of the door mechanism, preventing it from opening.

“Don't take it personally...” Erik says quietly, still facing the front of the elevator rather than Raven herself. “It's... hard for me to trust anyone”.

Raven says nothing in response, and in many ways Erik is relieved. The silence gives him the prompting he needs to begin to release his hold on the doors so they can open, but before he gets the chance Raven replies, and the elevator remains closed.

“I never told him...”

When Erik turns to look at Raven she is uncharacteristically withdrawn- leaning against the back wall of the elevator with her arms wrapped around her body defensively. Erik almost feels like he knows what Raven is referring to, but he needs clarification so he asks quietly: “Told _who_ about _what_?”

Raven sighs quietly. “ _Charles_. I never told him what you did for me; how you saved me... Part of me felt like I should have, but you left so suddenly and I felt like I owed it to you to keep your secret- because surely if you wanted Charles to know you would have told him yourself. I wanted to tell him so many times, Erik. I wanted the truth to help both him and me. But I owed you my life never mind anything else, and if I was able to repay you in any way by keeping quiet then I knew that's what I had to do”.

The explanation is something Erik has considered before, perhaps even expected, but at the same time he is still rendered relatively speechless by Raven’s words. It’s painful in a way to realise what Raven’s disclosure means- that for the past four years Charles has most likely thought that his stepfather was killed for no reason other than Erik’s selfish need for retribution, or maybe that such an act was something that Erik had planned all along and that he never really wanted to be with Charles after all. But perhaps it’s a better option than the alternative- for Charles to suffer the pain of knowing what his sister put herself through for his sake- and for that reason Erik understands why Raven did it. And besides, deep down Erik knows he would be lying if he said he didn’t feel some relief upon learning of Raven’s ability to be discreet.

“I had no idea…” Erik says softly.

Raven shrugs, rolling her eyes slightly as if to indicate indifference, but it is clear she is still upset.

“I told you, Erik- you can _trust_ me. I’d never do anything to hurt you or Charles”.

In that moment Erik knows that it’s true, that he can trust Raven, and though it might ultimately take the most primitive part of his brain some time to catch up, it’s comforting to know that he will most likely get there someday.

“Are you ready for this?” Erik asks, gesturing towards the still-closed doors of the elevator and raising his eyebrows at Raven in expectation.

Erik can tell that, like Charles, Raven is someone who feels things very deeply, but also someone who can shrug off the things that hurt them through will alone, and though Erik suspects this particular issue is one that they may need to revisit in the future, for now it seems like they will be able to move on.

After Raven gives a nod of agreement Erik turns towards the front of the elevator once more, taking in a deep breath as he uses his powers to slowly release the mechanism that holds the doors, allowing them to open. The elevator opens into a large reception room- an extensive space that is framed by a large row of windows at the far end, beyond which there is an awe-inspiring view of the mountains that surround the hotel. It’s a glorious sight and it would undoubtedly be completely compelling, were it not for the one singular thing that steals Erik’s attention, as it always does.

Charles is standing at the far side of the room, and he looks so perfect Erik is wholly unsurprised to find that he instantly freezes like the idiot Raven claimed he was going to be. It’s fortunate that Charles is currently wrapped up in his conversation, as it means he doesn’t notice the way Erik is standing there staring at him- entranced by the soft blue material of Charles’ cardigan, and how Erik imagines it would feel brushing against the sensitive skin of his inner thighs if Charles were to once again lay between his legs. Charles has always been a rather animated person who talks with his hands, and as Erik watches him he imagines those hands on his body- delicate fingers trailing through Erik’s hair and caressing Erik’s skin as he shivers at the touch. There has never been an occasion more formal, or an event of such paramount importance, and yet Erik cannot stop thinking about just grasping Charles’ hand and running away with him, taking him to a hotel room where he can lay Charles down in front of a fireplace and make love to him with aching slowness, until they are both ravished and wrecked.

Of course there’s another idea that surges to the forefront of Erik’s mind- the intense desire to suddenly just leave; to disappear completely, as if he had never been there in the first place. It’s what Erik does after all, and in some ways it has always been the easy option. But in this area more than any other Raven is a vital help, because barely a few seconds after Erik has frozen he feels Raven reach over to gently squeeze his arm, reassuring Erik that everything is okay and that he can prevail.

“Come on…” Raven says quietly, starting to walk over towards where Charles is standing.

Erik follows, gaze doggedly fixed on Charles and waiting for the moment when he turns around and notices them, and the fact that it hasn’t happened yet suggests to Erik that Charles’ ability to shield himself from neighbouring minds has evidently improved over the past few years. It’s a matter of inevitably though, Erik knows it is, and though he tries to ready himself he knows the second Charles turns to face him it is going to feel like he’s been punched in the gut. As it happens though, it’s something else that leaves Erik feeling winded.

“Ah! Max, is it?”

Charles whirls to face Erik, but Erik misses out on being able to see Charles’ expression because he is distracted by the petite brunette now standing in front of himself, who is holding her hand out to Erik in expectation of him shaking it. For a moment Erik falters, unable to move once again, but then Raven clears her throat pointedly and Erik regains focus, and he reaches to shake the woman’s hand.

“ _Hallo_ … Moira, yes?”

“Yes, that’s right”, Moira replies, smiling politely. “We never really got a chance to talk at the fundraiser, but Warren told me all about you. I know you’re interested in investing in the company so I’m really pleased you’ve decided to come along to watch our presentation. We’re eager to gain all the support we can”.

“I’m sure you are…” Erik says, his voice low and verging on something close to muttering. A flash of mild confusion shows briefly on Moira’s face, but then Charles takes his place at Moira’s side and her expression noticeably brightens as she turns to face him.

“Max, so happy you could make it…” Charles says, the cheery tone of his voice not at all matched by the strained expression on his face- particularly as he turns to regard Raven and his eyes grow noticeably darker. “Well, Raven- I can’t say I expected to see you here… I thought you once told me you hated listening to my speeches as they always put you to sleep?”

Raven smiles slyly- an expression Erik has grown accustomed to- and the irritation Charles is feeling is apparent even before he’s heard her response.

“Mm that’s right, but I’ve been a bit of an insomniac lately so I figured I could do with a nice snooze… Several days of presentations from you ought to do the trick”.

“There are pills for that, you know… Or perhaps you could just lock yourself in a dark room for several days, where you can’t bother anyone”.

Instantly Moira sucks in an uneven breath, shaking her head at both Charles and Raven disapprovingly, whilst meanwhile Erik can do little more than watch the whole scene whilst feeling distinctly uncomfortable- pained to realise how much the relationship between the two Xavier siblings has changed, particularly as he knows his actions may well have been a cause for it.

“Honestly, you two- it’s not even been five minutes and you’re already bickering…” Moira tuts. “We’re in a beautiful setting, there’s all sorts of interesting people here- can’t you just be nice to each other?”

Moira turns to face Charles fully, reaching up to gently cup Charles’ jaw, and Erik’s heart aches for all the times he has done such a thing, when he has held Charles and cradled his face like he is some beautiful, precious artefact to be cherished; when he has loved Charles and felt loved in return. But now Charles’ love belongs to another, and the knowledge is so bitter it is almost enough to physically choke Erik.

“Sweetheart, maybe you and your sister should go speak somewhere private, hmm? It’s clear you have a lot to talk about…”

Moira’s suggestion is hushed and quiet, but it is enough to capture Charles’ attention as he gazes back at her for a long moment before nodding once. In response Moira smiles- an expression as sweet as she is- and then she leans in to kiss Charles and Erik has to look away before he uses his powers to crumple the metal girders of the building they’re standing in and raze it to the ground, so it is as crushed as his heart is. As soon as Erik turns his eyes fall on Raven, taking in all of the sympathetic misery in her expression; the sorrow and compassion, but Erik has never yearned for pity- it compromises his resolve- and in the end he has to turn away from her too.

For a while Erik stares through the windows at the back of the room- at the snowy landscape framed by vast mountains that cast long shadows across the scene; shadows that seem to reach for Erik, beckoning him to succumb to their depths. In his periphery Erik can see Charles and Raven starting to walk away together, he can hear them talking, but he can't seem to turn back and face them, until gradually they disappear from his vision and Erik realises they are gone.

“Um, Max...?”

It can only be Moira speaking, and gradually Erik turns back to face her.

She's undeniably lovely- friendly and warm and approachable like Charles is- but for obvious reasons Erik cannot rid himself of the irritation he feels when he sees her, because she reminds Erik so much of everything he wants but that he cannot have. Erik knows it would be unfair to be rude to her, to punish her for something that is not her fault, but if he's not being rude then Erik doesn't know what to be, because he has never been very good at making idle small talk, particularly when he has no agenda in mind. Fortunately though, it seems like Moira is.

“So... Are you looking forward to the conference?” Moira asks politely.

Erik grunts in response. “I suppose. I'm mainly here because I'm interested to know exactly what it is Worthington Labs are planning to do with this so-called cure...”

“Oh, you know about that? I saw you and Charles talking rather intently so I suppose I should have guessed that he'd told you. Of course, if that’s true then that must mean you're...”

Moira raises her eyebrows pointedly, as if waiting for Erik to fill in the blanks, but Erik supposes that the rest of the conversation is plain without saying. They’re at a convention which has the secret aim of discussing mutant-related issues, and if Erik is aware of that explicitly then it obviously suggests he might be a mutant too rather than just a generic potential investor. Erik has never really been one to shy away from who he is, and he supposes that maybe this particular topic is one that should be embraced given it might enable him to find common ground with Moira- something that is sorely needed. And so, he answers.

“I'm a mutant”, Erik says, keeping his voice low enough to ensure he is not overhead. “Metallokinetic, to be precise- hence my interest in this particular endeavour. And what about yourself? What can you do?”

Instantly Moira's eyes go wide.

“Oh! Oh, um- I'm sorry, I'm not... I'm not...” It's clear that Moira is embarrassed, and Erik finds himself feeling similarly as Moira shakes her head before clarifying: “I'm afraid I'm entirely human...”

The surprise Erik is feeling is written in his expression as he stares at Moira, confusion apparently eroding his ability to be polite given he has offered little response other than to widen his eyes. Of course it's not what Erik expected- not when it comes to Charles' choice of partner. Charles is a wonder- a remarkably powerful mutant who is good and kind and fair amongst many other redeeming qualities- and naturally Erik expected that he would only engage in romantic involvement with someone similarly gifted, though Erik knows he often fell far short in that regard. But there's another assumption he has always held, one he has never allowed himself to dwell on for too long- his belief, or perhaps fear, that a great proportion of Charles’ interest in him was always due solely to his mutation, rather like how Shaw always admired him, but only because he wanted to use him... Now though Erik has confirmation of the contrary, and it is of little comfort now he does not have Charles at all.

“Sorry...” Erik mumbles eventually. “I just assumed...”

Moira smiles warmly, dispelling any perceived awkwardness.

“It's fine. I can see why you might think that, what with Charles’ gift and all. But I'm afraid not all of us can be extraordinary”.

Erik shakes his head. “If Charles has chosen you to marry then you must be pretty special...”

It's a kind thing for Erik to say, but he knows he means it too. Though Erik may not be happy about Charles’ impending marriage he is at least secure in the knowledge that Charles will surely have chosen his partner wisely, even if he doesn't allow himself to dwell for too long on the fact that the choice wasn't him.

Moira smiles widely, and the moment provides them with enough mutual amiability to lead them into semi-comfortable conversation for the next few minutes, even if the exchange is composed mostly of rather tame small talk. Eventually Charles and Raven return, and though their body language tells Erik they have most likely smoothed over any differences between them, there is still a small amount of evident awkwardness- most noticeably from Charles who appears to be having some trouble meeting Erik's eyes.

“Um, perhaps you two should get checked into your hotel rooms...” Charles says, looking only at Raven. “There's nothing really happening until Monday so you may as well spend the next couple of days enjoying yourselves”.

“Cool- time to hit the bar then”.

“Raven, you're seventeen...” Charles says pointedly.

“Only when I want to be”.

Raven grins but Charles looks distinctly unamused, and it takes an almost-sincere promise from Raven to commit to sobriety for Charles to relax. Erik knows he will be making no such promises. Even just this small encounter with Charles has been enough to set Erik's heart aflutter; nerves sparking through his senses and making him yearn for something to hold onto, or someone- but failing that a stiff drink should do. It's clear that Charles needs time to adjust, and though Erik sincerely hopes they will get time to speak later for no he is happy to withdraw, and wait…

 

A short while later Erik is entering his hotel room- an awe-inspiring space that for a moment makes the entire trip worth it, no matter what may still be to come. The entranceway leads into a large room encompassing a seating area along with a table and chairs, but the part that holds the most interest for Erik is the spiral staircase against one of the walls which leads upstairs. As soon as Erik steps out onto the top level he is instantly captivated by the incredible view in front of him courtesy of the row of large windows that span one wall. Erik's perception of the earth's magnetic fields tells him that his room faces east, meaning that each morning he will be greeted by the sun rising slowly over the tops of the mountains as he lies in bed. It will undoubtedly prove to be an incredible sight, he only wishes he had someone to share it with…

Because Charles is somewhere nearby in the hotel. Even now Erik finds himself trying to locate him- reaching out with his powers and hoping to sense Charles' watch, and the steady pulse that thrums against it. Erik told himself that he would be careful, that he would not allow thoughts of Charles to cloud his judgement or make him forget why he came to the conference in the first place, but already Erik knows he was foolish to assume he would ever be able to manage such a thing.

The way Erik feels about Charles is not some fanciful thing that can just be brushed off or set aside. It's not something that can be willed away, nor something even the passing of time can temper. It's visceral, meaningful, like some life-altering event that has forever changed Erik and made him into who he is now. Erik always felt like Charles changed him, like Charles’ influence made him softer and, in many ways, weaker. But Erik knows it's more than that- that it has always been more. Charles _saved_ him, in every way a person can be saved, and now Erik is forced to remember what he owes to Charles; a realisation made all the more difficult by the knowledge that he will never be able to offer enough to Charles in return.

Erik exhales a deep breath as he steps over towards the bed, flopping unceremoniously onto it on his back and allowing the structure to support him. In a short while Azazel will be popping in to bring Erik and Raven's luggage, but in the meantime all Erik wants to do is lie there, as if by not moving he can somehow cease to exist for a while. As Erik stares up at the ceiling he reaches into his trouser pocket, brushing his fingers against the two metal chess pieces contained within, where they always have been since the day Erik left Westchester. It’s like the pieces represent faith and hope, as if Erik's contact with the smooth metal is the tenuous link that connects him to Charles and everything they were. But Erik knows he is being foolish, and if he really wants to reunite with Charles then it is going to take considerably more effort on his part.


	13. Chapter 13

 

 

When Erik first discussed the plan of coming to the mutant conference with Raven, he felt like he had a pretty clear idea in mind. Though the presence of Charles was undoubtedly going to prove to be a distraction, Erik knew that it was something he would have to ignore in order for him to focus on the most important aim- finding out more information about the mutant ‘cure’; particularly in regards to learning just how much everyone else already knows. However, by the time Erik is walking down one of the hotel corridors with Raven, he knows he is far from focused.

For the past half an hour Erik has been alone in his room, lying on his bed thinking of Charles- wondering where he is, what he’s doing, whether he’s thinking of Erik too… It’s too much to hope for of course, particularly as for all intents and purposes it appears like Charles has moved on, and it’s a bitter pill to swallow given the current situation is entirely Erik’s fault. Back during the summer of 1962 Erik tried to resist Charles more than once, told him that they weren’t right for each other, and that they had no future. Nothing has really changed in that regard, and yet now for some reason Erik cannot get the idea of being with Charles out of his head- almost as if he no longer cares how impossible or impractical everything seems, he just wants _Charles_ , no matter what the cost- perhaps because he already knows what it is like to lose him.

But the cost of trying in this case won’t just be Erik’s pride. Charles indisputably has so much to lose should the nature of his prior involvement with Erik become public knowledge- not just his fiancée and his impending wedding, but also his reputation and possibly even his career. The last thing Erik wants is to disrupt Charles’ life like that, but at the same time he doesn’t know how to do anything different, because his need for Charles is so palpable it is like a physical ache that drives him; like every molecule of his being is crying out for Charles’ touch, his kiss, and his love.

“Are you going to be like this all week…?”

Blinking back the fog clouding his senses Erik turns towards Raven, finding that she is staring up at him as she walks by his side down the corridor. She looks lovely- her blonde hair tied up and the skirt of her cocktail dress swishing from side-to-side as she walks- but the expression on her face makes her mild unease plainly clear.

“My apologies if my personality offends you Raven…” Erik replies dryly.

Raven cracks a wry smile. “Well yes, I’m all too aware that you can’t do anything about _that_ … But you’re clearly much grumpier than usual. I suppose it’s to be expected… You’re thinking about him, aren’t you? About Charles?”

“Is it that obvious…” Erik grumbles.

The fact that Raven reaches over to give Erik’s arm a comforting squeeze comes as little surprise, but it’s somewhat of a wonder that Erik doesn’t immediately flinch- something that makes him realise just how comfortable he is with Raven even after only a relatively short time.

“I know this is hard, but it’ll be okay, Erik… Charles may have been a bit miffed at me for bringing you here, but he’ll get over it. It’s not like Charles to bear a grudge. And besides- you know how much he loves to talk… Pretty soon the discussions will start and he’ll get so wrapped up in the subject he won’t have time to glare at either one of us. I just hope you’re able to remember to stick to your cover story… No one but Charles, Moira, and myself knows you’re a mutant, so don’t go doing anything reckless to give the game away”.

Erik can’t help but smile at Raven, feeling rather like she’s the one in charge all of a sudden.

“I’ll do my best not to let you down, _junges Fräulein._ And I’d like to ask you to do me a favour in return by behaving yourself tonight… If you’re drinking I don’t want to know, just don’t do anything that’s going to make Charles hate me anymore than he already does”.

“Hey- I am capable of taking care of myself, you know…” Raven replies, screwing up her face at Erik. “And besides, I may be heading to the bar but it’s not because I want to drink myself into a stupor or anything like that. We’re in a hotel full of rich, influential humans, who may or may not know all sorts of interesting things about our kind. Who knows what I might be able to find out if cosy up to the right person, particularly after they’ve had a few drinks”.

“And you think Charles is going to approve of that? Of you ‘cosying up’ to someone?”

“Well, I was rather hoping you might help in that regard by keeping him nice and distracted for me…”

Erik and Raven reach the doors to the elevator, and as they wait for it to arrive it gives Erik the opportunity to turn towards Raven, fixing her with a pointed glare that it’s clear she knows the meaning of.

“Oh come on, don’t look at me like that… We both know you’re dying to talk to Charles, so why not do it tonight and provide cover for me at the same time? I’m not asking you to do anything bold, and to be honest it might be safest for the both of us if you keep things strictly above board… But you guys need to talk- to catch up properly- so go to Charles, ask him if he wants to go for a walk or something. Seriously- I think it would be good for you”.

For a while Erik mulls over the subject, unable to gather his thoughts enough to arrive at a decision either way, and meanwhile it gives the elevator the time it needs to reach their floor. The doors slide open and Raven immediately steps inside, but before Erik can join her she is already reaching to press the button for the lobby, effectively making Erik’s decision for him.

“Charles is in room number eighty-one. I'll see you later, yeah?” Raven says, before adding: “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do…”

In response Erik can only offer a slight grunt, but his acceptance is clear as he steps back and watches the elevator doors close, before turning and starting to head in the direction of Charles’ accommodation.

 

By the time Erik is standing at the door to Charles' room he still doesn't know what he is going to say. The short walk from the elevator should have given Erik time to prepare, to process his thoughts and form them into some sort of reasonable sentence, but as it is the words continue to elude him. Erik knows he could stand outside Charles’ door forever and still not know where to begin, and so he quickly decides it's better to just get things over with, rather than continue to torture himself by delaying.

When the door opens it does so slowly, as if Charles knows exactly what he's going to find on the other side and he’s not yet ready to face it. The trepidation is evident in Charles’ expression as he peers out at Erik, holding the door slightly closed like as if he is trying to use it as a shield, and Erik is sure that whatever he chooses to say next will prove to be vital if he doesn't want to immediately have the door slammed shut in his face. Not that Erik could necessarily imagine Charles ever being so rude, but a lot can have changed in four years.

“Ah, _hallo_...” Erik starts, already sure that he sounds like a complete idiot. “I was wondering if you'd like to go for a walk?”

To Erik's immense relief Charles actually opens the door wider, but the expression on his face tells Erik he's not exactly in the clear yet.

“You want to go for a walk?” Charles asks incredulously.

“Um, yes...”

“It's around minus-ten outside, and you're not even wearing a coat”.

Erik looks down at himself as if to make sure, and it seems he is indeed proposing a walk in the bitter cold whilst wearing only trousers and a dress-shirt.

“Well, I just wanted to check with you first...” Erik mumbles, rather mortified to realise that he is starting to blush. “If you say yes I'll go to my room and get my jacket”.

“And if I say no?”

_“I'll die...”_ Erik thinks, but all he says aloud is: “If you don't want to come I'll respect your wishes, and I won't bother you again”.

For a moment after Erik has finished speaking Charles says nothing in response, and every second of silence is like agony. Part of Erik can't decide what's worse, not knowing or Charles just refusing outright, and the consideration of such makes him feel so sick that he's unable to even consider the third option- that Charles might agree. But agree is what he does because the next thing Erik knows Charles nodding his head and mumbling something about needing to get dressed first, and then Erik is walking back to his own room- Charles’ suggestion of meeting in the lobby resounding in his ears.

 

They meet in front of the large double doors that lead outside, and as soon as Erik catches sight of Charles he can't help but wonder how someone manages to look so alluring when bundled up in what seems to be at least five layers of clothing complete with overlarge scarf. Charles smiles at Erik tentatively from beneath his layers and it's just about the most beautiful thing Erik has ever seen, and not for the first time Erik is made to question how he went four years without seeing that gorgeous face.

“Shall we?” Charles asks cheerfully.

Erik nods and then he is following Charles to the entrance, wincing as the doors slide open and the icy chill from outside hits them. Charles immediately pulls his coat tighter around himself, and Erik thinks of just how much Charles hates the cold, and allows himself to feel a small amount of hope at the fact that Charles agreed to join him at all.

Once they get outside it occurs to Erik that he never actually made a plan as to where they were going to go, so they just start to wander around the area surrounding the building. Fortunately the grounds of the hotel are immensely beautiful, not just because of the exquisite backdrop provided by the mountains, but also because of the gorgeously landscaped gardens adorned with various sculptures; a stunning scene made somehow more wonderful by the snow covering every conceivable surface. It’s a magical setting, and Erik can’t help but feel incredibly privileged to be walking through it with Charles, even if his stomach is churning with nerves for the moment when he will actually need to speak to Charles properly. There are so many things that could be said, that perhaps _should_ be said, but Erik knows he will need to tread carefully lest he say something to upset Charles and make it difficult for them to spend time together over the next week.

As it happens though, to begin with they don’t speak at all. For some time they just walk together, enjoying the scenery around them, and though Erik knows it should probably feel somewhat awkward the silence is surprisingly comfortable- as if they have known each other for years, or perhaps more like they have never been apart. Eventually they reach a vantage point- a large terrace that provides an incredible view of the valley between two mountain ranges- and as Charles pauses there, leaning against the balustrade, Erik steps closer to join him, so they are stood side-by-side. It reminds Erik of when they talked on the balcony at Moira’s house almost a week ago, and Erik can only hope that this occasion will go better than the last.

“I feel like I owe you an apology…”

The words are ones that Erik has considered saying more than once, but to his surprise it’s actually Charles who utters them. Immediately Erik turns his head to look at Charles in surprise, finding that Charles is gazing back at him with a strangely mournful expression on his face.

“What are you talking about?” Erik asks.

Charles sighs quietly. “The other day, in the park… I feel like I was incredibly rude to you. I… I should have been more tactful- thought more carefully about what I was saying and how I was saying it”, Charles pauses, looking at Erik thoughtfully before he adds: “I’m not saying I didn’t mean what I said, of course… Just that maybe I should have considered how to say it, or whether it was worth saying at all”.

“You don't owe me an apology, Charles. You don't owe me anything at all...”

“Hmm, maybe...” Charles replies with a shrug. “But I've felt awful ever since, and then I probably made things worse by reacting so poorly when you arrived at the hotel. Because the truth is, Erik, although I thought it was what I wanted at the time, when I told you on that day that that you had to leave me alone, the truth is that... that... well, the truth is that I'm really happy you're here”.

Erik stares over at Charles, watching as the wind plays with Charles’ unruly hair, and Erik wishes desperately he could run his fingers through it.  

“You are?” Erik asks quietly.

“I am... This is such an important issue- this mutant cure- and I'm happy that you want to be a part of it. Plus I suppose I've... I've missed being able to talk to you about these things. You always had such interesting insights. I remember when we would spend hours just talking, and even if we didn't agree it didn't matter because we were both able to say our piece. I'm looking forward to discussing this with you. Um, assuming that you want to, of course...?”

Charles looks nervous as he waits for Erik's response, and in return Erik is completely perplexed. Because how can Charles even question such a thing? How can Charles not know just how desperately Erik yearns for any opportunity to talk to Charles, to just be close to him? But perhaps Erik should have expected that Charles would be unsure, because it's not like Erik has ever given him any real certainty, or commitment to hold onto. Even when they were together Erik held back so much, kept so many things to himself, and it pains Erik to consider that his own actions are likely the very thing that have filled Charles with doubt.

“Charles...” Erik says softly, standing upright and taking a step closer. “Of course I want to talk to you about this 'cure’ business- about everything. There’s nothing I want more than to spend time with you, in whichever way is possible...”

As Erik approaches Charles turns around, his eyes fixed on Erik's face as he listens to him talk. Though there is still a chill in the air Erik instantly feels warmer the closer he is to Charles, no doubt due to the proximity as well as the inherent pleasure of being in Charles’ company. Charles’ expression is soft and yielding as Erik places both his hands either side of Charles on the railing, Charles' blue eyes wide as he gazes up at Erik, his lips flushed a sinful red. It’s perfect but perhaps Erik should have stayed standing where he was, because he realises rather abruptly that he is now bracketing Charles in- the balustrade at Charles’ back with Erik standing directly in front of him- and though it’s nice for Erik he has no clue how Charles feels about it.

“Erik, what are you doing...?” Charles asks quietly.

How is Erik even supposed to answer such an open question? Even one errant word could be enough to upset Charles, to make Charles repeat his request for Erik to leave him alone forever, and that’s the last thing Erik wants. But at the same time if this wintery walk with Charles represents hope then maybe Erik needs to seize it, lest it slip from his grasp just as quickly.

“Liebling...”

Instantly Charles closes his eyes, as if the sight before him is painful and he needs to hide from it.

“I don’t understand...” Charles replies, his words so soft they are only just audible. “I don't know what you want from me. You _left_ _me_ , Erik. That was your choice- nobody made you go”.

“Maybe I made a mistake...”

Charles shakes his head, before opening his eyes at last.

“If you did, then it's one I've been paying for ever since”, Charles replies coldly, his gaze focused on Erik. “Perhaps the worst thing is I don't even know why you did it- not even the leaving me part, because you could have done that anyway, but killing my stepfather. I know the bastard probably deserved it, but I asked you not to intervene. Why didn't you listen to me, Erik?”

“Don't you know? Didn’t you read my mind then to find out? Can't you do it now?”.

“I could, but if I did I'd be breaking every promise I ever made to you, and my word actually means something”.

“And mine doesn't?”

“I thought it did... Once...”

It's like trying to chose between two equally dark paths, because Erik could tell Charles the truth about Kurt and Raven, the whole thing, but if he did he knows it would cause Charles immense pain to know what Raven did. Alternatively Erik could say nothing, he could allow Charles to continue believe that he is just some flawed, selfish monster, but if he does then Charles would almost certainly continue to hate him, and Erik doesn't know if he can live with that.

“I wish I could make you understand...” Erik says.

“Then _try_ , Erik”, Charles pleads, reaching to grip Erik's upper arms with both hands, making Erik weaken to the touch. “Please, I want to understand. I want to know why you did it”.

It's a kind of torture the way Charles seems to fit into the area between Erik's arms so perfectly, as if it is somewhere Charles _belongs_ , as if the small space closest to Erik's heart is Charles’ alone to occupy. It's been so long since Erik was last this close to Charles and he needs it desperately- to inhale the scent of Charles, to gaze upon his beauty, to feel the warmth of his body. If only Erik knew the right thing to say to keep Charles here, but so much of loving Charles feels like trying to hold onto water, and sometimes Erik can do nothing else but watch as it slips through his fingers.

“Can't you see the answers, Charles?” Erik asks, thinking of when he and Charles knew each other before- all those occasions when the barriers Charles willingly placed around his telepathy would seem to erode the closer he was to Erik. They’re standing in close proximity now, Charles' hands are on him, and though it's not the kind of skin-to-skin contact Erik would ultimately favour (something that speaks volumes considering all the times Erik pushed Charles away in the past) Erik would have thought it would have been enough for Charles to read at least _something_.

But it's clear that there's a reason why Charles isn't picking up on surface thoughts or delving any deeper- as explained when Charles answers Erik's question.

“I'm not reading your mind, Erik. I'm not trying to and I don't want to. It’s not fair for you to just assume that I'll pick up on what you're thinking and feeling- if you want me to know then you have to _tell_ me. I don't think that’s asking for too much”.

“You want to know what I'm thinking...?”

“That's what I said, isn't it?”

“Alright... I'm thinking about kissing you”.

As soon as Erik says the words Charles’ eyes immediately drop down to regard Erik's lips, as if they are drawn there involuntarily, and in turn Erik can't help staring at the line of Charles' lashes dark against his freckled cheek- like the curve of the moon against a starry sky.

“I won't”, Erik adds, prompting Charles to immediate raise his eyes as he starts to frown slightly. “I'm not going to kiss you, Charles. Not unless you ask me to”.

Charles lets out a quiet laugh. “And why would I ask you to do that?”

“I don't know. Maybe you never will. But if you do then I'm yours- however you want me”.

“And where was this four years ago?”

“Like I said, Charles- maybe I made a mistake...”

It's taken a long time for Erik to admit as much, even to himself, but he knows it to be true now. When Erik left Westchester he felt like he was doing the right thing- removing himself from Charles’ life before he could cause any more trouble- but he never allowed himself to think about how much it went against Charles' wishes. It's perhaps incredibly selfish for Erik to admit his mistakes to Charles now, to make him clear that he is desired- if as much wasn't already obvious. But Erik can't help but feel like they wasted so much time before, and he doesn't want to lose any more.

“I don't know what you expect me to do with this information...” Charles says eventually.

“Whatever you like, Charles. As I said- I'm not going to try anything. I'm going to be here for the conference and if after seeing me for a week you decide that you don't want anything to do with me, that you want to marry Moira after all, then I won't stand in your way. But if you feel differently, if you think there’s even a _chance_ for us, then just tell me. That's all I want”.

It's perhaps a little bit unfair, verging on teasing, but Erik can't resist leaning just that little bit closer- watching as Charles draws in an uncertain breath, his eyes once more returning to Erik's mouth. Of course Erik bypasses Charles' lips, as he promised he would, but his mouth just brushes against Charles' cheek as he whispers in his ear: “Just think about it...”

As if to demonstrate his promise to abstain from pursuing Charles, Erik then moves back entirely- removing his hands from the balustrade and shifting a couple of steps away so that Charles has some space. It's clearly not what Charles was expecting as he looks visibly surprised, his eyes wide and his face flushed, and as Erik casts his eyes over Charles’ body he's more than a little thrilled to notice the line of a half-formed erection distorting Charles’ trousers. The sight tells Erik what he has been hoping for- that Charles is still interested after all- and the knowledge is enough to sate Erik for now, even though he knows he will be dwelling on the subject as he lies in bed later...

“Shall we head back inside?” Erik asks. “It’s so cold out here we're both practically frozen stiff…”

It’s difficult for Erik to keep a grin from slowly spreading across his face as Charles’ eyes get even wider, his cheeks turning a deep red as he shifts from side-to-side uncomfortably as if he is trying to conceal something, though his efforts only make it more obvious to Erik… Eventually Charles turns around entirely, pressing his crotch against the snow-covered railing which can surely only be uncomfortable, his shoulders hunched as he leans against the balustrade, and suddenly the situation is rather less amusing to Erik as he worries he might have upset Charles.

Erik steps closer, slotting himself alongside Charles against the railing, their shoulders just touching. Charles appears to be trying to work on some kind of calming exercises, his eyes closed as he breathes deeply, and for a while Erik can only stare at his face, until the point when Charles opens his eyes once more and turns towards Erik.

“You’re making this very hard for me, Erik…” Charles starts. “The situation, I mean!” he adds hastily, looking even more mortified as Erik once more fights an urge to smile. “Oh gosh, I’m such an idiot… It’s just that it took me such a long time to accept the idea that I was never going to see you again, and then it feels like as soon as I did you showed up to torment me”.

“I’m not trying to torment you, Charles…”

“I know… I know that… It’s not anything that you’re doing necessarily it’s just your presence. Because what I have with Moira- it’s simple but it’s sweet; it’s the kind of relationship that could last forever because there’s so drama to it, no conflict--"

“No passion…” Erik interjects.

Charles narrows his eyes in annoyance. “That’s not fair… You don’t know anything about our relationship. You can’t just assume that because there’s no pain there’s no passion. This is why it’s difficult you being here- everything was straightforward before but now I’m so confused… I’m getting _married_ in just over two weeks, Erik. Do you have any idea how awful it would be for me to walk out on my wedding with only days to go? Do you really think that’s what Moira deserves?”

“I think Moira deserves someone who loves her with their whole heart…”

A slightly bitter sound comes out of Charles’ mouth as he turns away and drops his head.

“Yeah, and what would you know about my heart…” Charles mutters.

In response Erik reaches for him, placing the palm of one hand flat against Charles’ chest as Charles stands up straight and turns to face Erik, gazing down at Erik’s hand on his body. It’s obvious what Erik is trying to say. Erik knows Charles’ heart because he can feel it- not just because it is racing now; a steady rhythm against the palm of Erik’s hand- but because Erik can _sense_ it too, can sense the blood surging through Charles’ veins- a unique benefit of Erik’s mutation. More than that Erik knows Charles’ heart because he has cared for it before, sheltered it on all those occasions when Charles came to visit Erik in his apartment- crawling into Erik’s arms and begging to be held. Though Erik is sure he was never the best keeper of Charles’ heart his experiences mean that he knows it, knows Charles, and therefore knows what he wants even if Charles can’t say it.

Charles slowly tilts his head up to regard Erik, his mouth slightly parted as Erik continues to touch him, his thumb rubbing against the coarse material of Charles’ coat. Though Erik is still trying very hard to show restraint he can’t help reaching up to gently cup Charles’ face with his other hand, his fingers tracing Charles’ jawline in careful reverence.

“We have to stop…” Charles whispers. “Someone might see us”.

It’s the crux of the problem, after all- not just because Charles’ fiancée might see them and become suspicious but because _anyone_ seeing them could prove to be an issue. Though Erik’s motivations may have changed, though he may be more willing to just throw caution aside in order to be with Charles, it doesn’t mean the world has changed too. And in essence there is always a limit that restricts the reality of what they could ever be, because the expectations of society are like a shadow, casting their future in grim light.

Erik removes his hand from Charles’ face, hopeful that Charles only wants him to withdraw due to the public nature of their current standing, and not because Charles actually wants him to stop in general. In that moment Erik realises that he needs to have this conversation again with Charles, somewhere they will not be seen or overheard, but that might prove difficult to achieve when they are in a hotel surrounded by people.

“We should head inside…” Charles says eventually. “There’s a chess set in the boardroom, I saw it earlier- perhaps we could play for a while?”

Charles chews slightly on his lower lip before adding: “Just chess…” as if he remembers the same things Erik does- when he and Charles used to play chess together before and more often than not it became a precursor to intimacy.

It always proved to be a strangely intimate event, sitting quietly opposite each other, moving pieces across the board- each move signified by a sly smile or a reactive look of surprise. It was always difficult back then to resist Charles, to not become immediately entranced by the way he always used to lick his lips when he was thinking, prompting Erik to wonder if Charles was really contemplating his next move or thinking about something decidedly more scandalous… And of course there is one other occasion that Erik remembers with undeniable fondness- the time a rather tipsy Charles insisted they should play strip chess; a suggestion that Erik immediately glowered at to begin with considering he was opposed to removing his own clothing. In the end it resulted in Charles losing in spectacular style, each one of his pieces being captured signified by an item of clothing being wilfully removed and flung across the room, until a completely naked Charles apparently concluded that he was done with chess and instead decided to crawl across the board where it was laid out on the floor, before sprawling himself across Erik’s lap and insisting he be punished for his terrible chess skills. At first Erik couldn’t help but laugh, smoothing his hand along the line of Charles’ spine and gazing down at him adoringly, but then Erik’s hand moved to cup the curve of Charles’ arse, and the way Charles almost purred in response made it only too clear what he wanted. Memories of that night have always spurred fond recollections in Erik’s mind, of spanking Charles’ gloriously round buttocks as Charles wriggled and groaned in response, Erik’s trousers steadily developing a damp patch from where Charles’ hard cock was leaking on them.

“I always did enjoy our chess games…” Erik says quietly, the hint of a smile playing about his lips.

If Charles’ thoughts are similarly filthy he manages to keep any evidence of them to himself, and instead he simply reaches to take Erik's hand- removing it from his chest but holding it briefly before withdrawing, leaving Erik wishing Charles had maintained his grip as they start to walk. As it is Erik is left trailing after Charles, watching as Charles trudges through the snow, and wishing he knew what Charles was thinking.

 

Some time later they are sitting together in the hotel's large boardroom- a location that is mercifully a safe distance away from the bar where Raven is most likely taking advantage of some unsuspecting mug at that very moment... As Charles and Erik take their seats in front of the fireplace (and Charles burdens an unfortunate hotel porter with the coat, scarf, and extra sweatshirts he was originally wearing) Erik orders himself a whiskey, and tries to mask his mild surprise as Charles orders a drink too, until he remembers that of course Charles is of legal age now.

They start the chess game and it's amazing how comfortable it feels- how easily they are able to talk and play together as if they have never been apart. Conversation stays on relatively safe topics, and Erik listens in interest as Charles tells him about him finishing his degree at Oxford, about getting his masters, and about how he is looking to study for his PhD. It seems the business with Worthington Labs is a fairly recent development- a way for Charles to gain experience in the field to complement his studies- and though Erik certainly wants to delve a little deeper, perhaps find out more about what the plans for the business ultimately are, at the same time the current situation with Charles is so perfect Erik doesn't want to change a thing.

Because this is the first time since Erik and Charles were reunited where they are able to just talk to each other without any awkwardness or tension, as if they are just old friends catching up. They play multiple chess games, they order dinner and several more drinks, and slowly Erik feels the knot of discomfort within his chest begin to dissipate, like a shard of ice being melted by growing warmth.

When the night draws in Erik escorts Charles back to his hotel room, and as they walk together along the corridor Charles leans on Erik, and Erik wraps his arm around Charles’ back without even thinking. It's clear that the alcohol has gone to Charles’ head somewhat, as evidenced by the way he turns and slumps against his door when he reaches it. Charles grins up at Erik widely and he looks so beautiful, so luminous and magnetic, and Erik can't help being drawn to him, as if the pull he feels is something he is helpless to resist.

“Goodnight, Charles. _Schlaf gut_. I'll see you in the morning”.

That bright smile of Charles’ shows no signs of fading as he gazes up at Erik.

“Night, Erik...”

Charles reaches inside his pocket, fumbling to try to find his keys, so to help him Erik grasps Charles' arm and pulls him closer so he is no longer leaning against the door, allowing Erik to open it with his powers. As soon as the door is unlocked Erik lets go of Charles so as to allow him to turn and enter his room, but to Erik's surprise Charles immediately steps forward and presses himself against Erik, his arms wrapped around Erik's waist.

In response Erik is spellbound, completely entranced by the feeling of Charles’ body against his own, Charles' face pressed into Erik's chest- hidden from view. Whatever intent is behind the hug Erik isn't sure, so he can only wrap his arms around Charles in return, pressing his face into Charles’ hair and inhaling the scent of him.

“I had a nice night...” Charles says eventually, the words mumbled against Erik's chest. “Thanks for not giving up on me”.

Erik clutches Charles more closely then, hurt to consider that Charles may have concluded that Erik’s interest in him had only been fleeting, as if Charles is not worth investing any more time in. He is though. Charles is _so_ worth it. And if Erik has to spend the rest of his life trying to convince Charles of how much he is valued and appreciated Erik knows he will do exactly that.

“ _Bitte schön_ , Liebling...” Erik murmurs.

Charles clings on for a further few moments before he withdraws, his face tilted down as if he is somewhat embarrassed and he wishes to conceal his expression. As Erik watches Charles step inside his room he knows how badly he wants to follow him, to be with him, but Erik made a promise to leave things in Charles’ hands and he knows he needs to keep it. And so Erik says nothing, does nothing, and allows the small smile Charles flashes him before he closes the door to provide hope and light- a glow to warm Erik on darker days.


	14. Chapter 14

 

 

The next morning, for the first time in a long time, seems to Erik to be full of promise; of hope and light and faithful expectation. Of course, the buoyancy of Erik's current mood might have a little something to do with the stunning sight that greets him as he opens his eyes and uses his powers to slowly draw back the blinds.

In front of where Erik is lying in bed is a row of large windows, and as the blinds slide up Erik is greeted by the most wonderful scene- a view of the mountains with the sun just appearing over the tops of them. The rising sun casts a warm glow that makes it seem as if someone has just poured liquid gold on the mountains' peaks, and now it is slowly trickling down each valley all the way to the bottom. Even throughout the occasions when Erik has found himself run down by all of the hardships of life, he has still always maintained an admiration for nature- mesmerised by the magnificent sights he has seen in various places throughout the world, even if he may have been killing his way across the globe at the time...

This occasion is different, however. It is the first time in many years that Erik has allowed himself a moment to just lie there and drink it in, remaining in bed as the room slowly starts to fill with colour and birdsong heralds the start of the new day. It reminds Erik of all those mornings in his apartment, when he would awaken before Charles and for a while he would just lie there, watching as the sun slowly illuminated the sight of Charles lying in bed next to him, still and serene. On those occasions Erik would linger for what felt like an age, captivated by the sight of sunlight illuminating the freckles on Charles' skin, mesmerised by how happy Charles always looked when he was sleeping. It is a memory Erik has thought of every morning since and this one is no different, because as the sun takes its place within the sky Erik thinks of Charles, wonders where he is, and wishes he was there beside Erik once more.

Of course, in this instance there is no real reason for Erik to be in a rush to get out of bed anyway. It's the Sunday before the conference officially starts, and as such there is nothing for Erik to do all day- no real obligation or necessity to prompt him into rising. Well, nothing but the thoughts of Charles that linger in Erik's head as always, almost as if Charles is as much a part of daily life as breathing, and Erik cannot go more than a few seconds without him. Somewhere nearby Charles will be rising soon, Charles will be heading downstairs for breakfast (assuming Moira prevents Charles from sleeping in all morning like Charles has always preferred), and Erik is determined to see him there. They only have a limited time together- just another week at the hotel- and as such Erik knows he will need to use every opportunity to spend time with Charles, particularly when they still have so much to discuss.

Though Erik was able to speak with Charles yesterday the encounter still wasn't entirely satisfactory, as it was nowhere near enough time for them to truly discuss all the things they need to. With Charles due to be completely wrapped up in presentations soon enough this day might ultimately provide the only opportunity for them to really talk, and as such Erik isn't going to let it pass him by. Of course, there’s just the small matter to consider of how exactly Erik is going to get Charles all to himself- particularly without arousing the suspicions of his fiancée, let alone anyone else...

 

The subject is one that Erik is still dwelling on a short while later as he settles down for breakfast, accompanied by Raven who seems to be surprisingly alert considering the ungodly hour she most likely went to bed at the previous night- something that speaks of her youth and vitality. Still, Raven can't be feeling completely clear headed, as she orders a large coffee laced with a sinful amount of sugar, alongside the biggest possible breakfast on the menu.

“Watching your figure, I see...” Erik says dryly.

They're in a public place so Raven has to subtly give Erik the finger, which she does seamlessly whilst buttering a piece of toast.

“You're just jealous because you know that if you ate the same things I do it'd put your cholesterol through the roof, old man...”

“Very funny...” Erik replies, shooting Raven a wry look. “You can keep your pork products, thank you very much”.

“Suit yourself...”

It's still quiet in the dining hall, only a small amount of patrons dotted around, but Erik prefers it that way. It gives him the relative privacy he needs to be able to talk to Raven, and to discuss what she got up to the previous evening. And so, Erik waits until they have both received their meals, and then he takes the opportunity to open up the discussion.

“So how did you get on in the bar last night?” Erik asks, before taking a sip of his coffee.

“Well... As I expected there were a few people there who arrived early- men with more money than sense who wanted to get in a couple of days holiday before the conference began. Naturally they were all crowded around the bar, drinking and rambling on about how important they all are. They were only too happy to be joined by a young college co-ed, who is in the area for a cheerleading championship...”

Erik's eyes widen as he stares over at Raven.

“You can't be serious... They really believed that?”

Raven nods proudly. “Yep. And if anyone asks you’re my coach, so you best make sure you're seen doing some stretches or something- got to keep the pretence up.”

“Raven... Those people most likely already know I'm not a cheerleading coach- I met a lot of them at the fundraiser...”

“Oh...” Raven replies, her smile fading. “Alright, well I guess I'll just have to come clean the next time I see them all. I'll just say I was joking about you... And anyway, me pretending to be a cheerleader really isn't the interesting part- what matters is that I was able to make those self-important pricks feel comfortable enough to start spilling secrets, and spill they did...”

“What did you find out then?”

“Not so fast”, Raven responds, waving a fork in Erik's direction before using it to stab a sausage. “First you have to admit that I'm amazing at this top secret spy business, and that you'd love to let me have a place in the Brotherhood once we get back to America”.

“Raven...” Erik growls warningly.

Instantly a wide smile starts to spread across Raven's face- one that shows no sign of waning in the wake of Erik's icy glare.

“Okay, okay- there's no need to look at me like that”, Raven says eventually. “We can talk about the Brotherhood later...”

Gradually additional people are beginning to filter into the dining hall and so Raven pulls her chair a bit closer, her elbow bumping companionably against Erik's as she lowers her voice to talk to him.

“So, most of the humans are pretty unimportant, right? They've all got money but that’s about it- they're smart enough but most of their thinking they do with their dicks, like most men...”

“Hey...”

“Alright, present company excepted... Anyway, like I said- for the most part nothing to report. But there’s a couple of them who seem to have rather more going on between the eyes. Men with power, influence, and an air about them that seems downright sinister if you ask me. I know the type, of course... They remind me of... of Kurt and what he was like. I don't think we've got much to worry about from the upcoming conferences- when most of these guys find out about the existence of mutants they're probably going to piss themselves with fear but that's about it- but some I think are going to react rather with rather more hostility”.

“What makes you so sure that none of them know already?”

“Hmm, it's hard to say to be honest... I dropped a few hints but no one was biting, but of course they could be keeping their cards close to their chests. I guess we're only going to know for sure come Monday, unless I get any additional with them tonight. In the meantime though you know there’s someone else we could ask- someone who will know the answers for definite”.

Erik shakes his head, already knowing what Raven is going to suggest before she says it.

“No, Raven... We're not asking Charles”.

“Well why not? He knows more than anyone”.

“Yes, but the last thing I want is for Charles to think I'm just trying to use him for information”.

“But Erik- surely he already knows you're here because of the conference? Yes I know there's that _other_ reason why you wanted to see Charles, but he's not an idiot- he must realise this particular issue is kind of a hot topic for you, and not something you'd ever just ignore. I don't think he's going to be offended if you start asking questions”.

“Maybe, I'm just not sure if it's worth taking the risk, especially after... after...”

Raven doesn't know all the details, of course. She doesn’t know that the reason Charles and Erik met in the first place was because Erik came to the mansion under false pretences, and that he continued to lie to Charles for weeks afterwards. She certainly doesn't know that Charles was able to believe, more than once, that Erik was taking advantage of him.

“I'd just prefer it if we can figure things out on our own...” Erik says eventually, which is barely an explanation but it doesn't seem to matter anyway, because in the next second Raven is leaning away from Erik, her eyes focused on the door as Erik turns to see what she's looking at.

Charles enters the dining hall looking as perfect as he always does- his presence like light suddenly filling the room, making all else seem dim and uninteresting in comparison. Naturally Erik is entranced, unable to do anything but stare at him as he allows himself to hope that Charles might join them for breakfast, but then someone follows after Charles and Erik's hopes are shattered.

It’s unfair seeing Charles and Moira together, because it reminds Erik of everything he and Charles could be, and at the same time everything they could _never_ be. Because Erik could never be with Charles like that- he could never wrap his arm around Charles' waist as they walk over to the seating area, he could never sit close to Charles and hold his hand over breakfast, smiling at him lovingly without a care for who might see them. All Erik has to give Charles is clandestine meetings and intimacy conducted behind closed doors, and though it's what Erik wants he knows it's not much to offer.

Consequently for the rest of breakfast Erik is sullen and withdrawn, sipping on his coffee and eating small amounts of his meal, and mostly ignoring the attempts of Raven who tries on more than one occasion to distract Erik with amiable chatter. It's clear that Charles knows Erik is there- he steals little glances over at Erik's table every now and then- and though Charles appears to be making some attempt to not flaunt his relationship in Erik's face, given he only ever allows Moira to hold his hand for a second before pulling away, it's still incredibly hard to watch. Erik could look away at any moment, of course. He could save himself the heartache by turning his back on Charles and perhaps even leaving the dining hall altogether. But Erik cannot look away- he has always had a tendency to face his fears head on; a habit he has been unable to break in spite of all the times it has resulted in him witnessing something horrendous.

Now, faced with the sight of Charles and Moira together, Erik finds he is suddenly left feeling clueless when it comes to formulating a plan as to how to spend time with Charles. It's clear that yesterday was probably some kind of fluke, because Charles and Moira are a couple of course, and it stands to reason that they would spend the majority of their time in each others company. Just how the hell Erik is supposed to lure Charles away he has no idea- particularly given he still hasn't decided on a reason to ask to spend time with Charles- and asking him to go for a walk again is likely to prove pointless. They need to spend time together in private, somewhere they can be completely alone, but when they are in a hotel surrounded by people such a thing could easily prove impossible.

By the time breakfast has been concluded Erik is left feeling hopeless and dejected, one mood swing away from retiring to his room to spend the rest of the day just wallowing in his own misery. But perhaps Erik should have known better than to just give up, because after all he has someone on his side who is more than capable when it comes to ‘top secret spy business’, and therefore never short of ideas...

As Erik stands up and prepares to leave the dining hall he assumes that Raven will be right behind him, but instead she immediately turns and starts to wander over to where Charles and Moira are sitting, leaving Erik with little choice but to follow her lest he be left loitering by his table like some kind of spare part. Both Charles and Moira seem somewhat surprised to see Erik and Raven approaching, but whilst Moira reacts positively by giving them both a warm smile, Charles in turn looks distinctly nervous.

“Hey guys, hope I'm not interrupting”, Raven starts, clearly knowing that she is in fact doing exactly that. “I just wanted to see what your plans were for today? We're going to check out the frozen waterfalls and ice caves in the National Park, and I was wondering if you'd like to join us?”

Erik tries to mask his surprise at Raven's suggestion, and instead focuses on watching Charles and Moira to see how they’re going to respond.

“Ohhh that would be lovely!” Moira replies, as inwardly Erik's heart sinks for a moment before resurfacing as she adds: “But unfortunately I don't think I can come... I've got an important conference call with my boss in just a couple of hours, and I can't afford to miss it”.

“Oh that's too bad!” Raven says, the disappointment in her voice almost believable. “I completely understand though if you have to work. Well, Charles- I guess that just leaves you. Are you coming?”

“Um, well, I don't know if that would be a good--” Charles mumbles uncertainly. “I wouldn't want to leave you on your own”, he adds turning to look at Moira.

“Oh, nonsense- don't worry about me! You go, honey. Have fun with your sister and Max”.

“You're sure, love?” Charles asks as Erik's heart aches in response to the endearment.

Moira nods, reaching over to squeeze Charles’ hand.

“Of course, Charles. Trust me- I'll be fine without you”.

“Great!” Raven exclaims, not really giving Charles a chance to actually say that he's coming. “Let's all meet in my room at say ten? See you later”.

Raven turns and begins to walk towards the exit and Erik follows, heart racing at the idea that he will soon be spending time with Charles, away from the hotel and everyone within. Of course the fact that Raven will be there too is a complication Erik could do without, but Erik supposes he owes it to her not to complain- particularly given what Raven discloses next.

“I knew Moira had to work today”, Raven says, smiling slyly at Erik as they walk side-by-side.

Erik can't help but grin back at her.

“Mystique, we may just make a spy of you yet...”

 

It's remarkable how much of an ally Raven has become, even in such a short space of time, and as Erik later walks down the corridor towards Raven's hotel room he can't help but feel grateful for the fact that he now has not one but two Xaviers in his life. For someone who hasn't had anything resembling family in years, decades even, it's undeniably comforting to know there are people in Erik's life who value him and care about his wellbeing, even if Erik isn't quite as close to one of them as he would like... But still, in a short while Erik will be spending the day with Charles, away from prying eyes, and he knows he has Raven to thank for that if nothing else.

As Erik reaches the door he turns and sees Charles approaching from the other end of the corridor, and instantly a smile starts to spread over Erik’s face as he sees how adorable Charles looks in his winter clothes. Charles is wearing a warm coat and scarf as he was the previous day, but this time he is also sporting a large woollen hat that seems almost too big, given the way it flops over his forehead causing Charles to have to push it back every so often.

“ _Hallo_ , Charles…” Erik says as Charles comes to a stop in front of him, standing there and smiling up at Erik almost shyly. “Nice hat...”

“It's a toque!” Charles replies proudly, reaching up to adjust his bright blue headwear.

“I'm pretty sure you just made that up...”

Charles reaches over to playfully shove Erik’s arm, and even that small contact is enough to have goosebumps spreading over Erik’s skin, emanating from the point of Charles' touch.

“It's a real word, Erik. A _Canadian_ word. And as we're in the country it seems only right we assimilate ourselves properly”.

“Mm, of course, Charles...” Erik says teasingly, pulling Charles' hat down in front of his eyes and earning himself another gentle swat.

Given Charles’ somewhat distant behaviour earlier that morning it is reassuring for Erik to see him as he is now- relaxed and seemingly carefree as he uses both hands to push his hat back in position, a wide grin on his face as he gazes up at Erik. Suddenly the prospect of spending time with Charles out in the middle of nowhere is infinitely more exciting- not just because it will give them the opportunity to talk in private, but also because slowly Erik is starting to allow himself to believe that Charles might be receptive to the idea of them getting back together. It's a hope Erik started to cultivate last night, when he and Charles both spent a lovely evening together before Erik walked Charles to his door, and Charles wrapped his arms around Erik to hug him just before they said goodbye. The presence of Moira is still a complication of course, one that Erik wants to deal with carefully and in the right way, but the selfish part of Erik just _wants_ Charles, intimately and desperately, and he doesn't care what he has to do in order to get him.

“You look lovely, Charles...” Erik says softly.

It's unmistakable- the blush that starts to slowly cover Charles’ cheeks- and that too seems very much like a sign of hope. But before Erik can comment on it, or act accordingly, the door beside them opens and they both turn to find Raven now watching them.

“Come on, you two- no use hanging out in the hallway all day. We've got places to go and sights to see”.

“Yes, I suppose you're right”, Charles replies, stepping a tasteful distance away from Erik and shoving both hands into his pockets. “Shall we head off?”

“Not just yet- there's something you guys need to see first...”

Raven steps back and gestures for Charles and Erik to follow her, and though Erik can't help but exchange the same bemused expression with Charles he heads inside, curious to discover what Raven is up to. Inside there appears to be nothing of note, nothing but Raven's belongings scattered around the room, and it only makes Erik feel even more confused as he stands at one side of the room and turns to face Raven, raising his eyebrows at her expectantly.

“So...” Erik starts. “Are you going to tell us what we're doing here?”

Raven takes up position sitting on the edge of the bed, inspecting her fingernails as if he is almost bored, before turning her wrist and looking at her watch as she replies: “Give it a minute...”

Erik finds he is growing rapidly bored with Raven's current game.

“Raven... Explain”.

“Oh, I might have known you'd have no patience, Erik... Alright, you can unclench- he'll be here any second. I'm surprised you haven't figured it out already”.

Though the confusion on Charles’ face may still be entirely apparent Erik is now starting to understand, because there's only one reason they could possibly be idling in Raven's hotel room when they’re supposed to be going out for the day, and that’s if they are soon going to be making the journey in record time...

The arrival is heralded by a rush of displaced air as usual, and then Azazel is standing in the centre of the room, dressed impeccably in a dark black suit. Erik hasn't seen the red mutant since the day before, hasn't asked Azazel to pop in, and as such he can't help but feel mildly irritated that Azazel has shown up now- clearly as a result of Raven's influence rather than Erik's for once.

“Azazel...” Erik says in a low voice, a hint of warning in his tone.

“Boss…” Azazel replies, equally curtly.

Erik knows he will need to speak to Raven about this later- about her effectively deciding to use Azazel as some kind of taxi service- but for now Erik has rather bigger concerns than Azazel possibly being taken advantage of, such as how Charles has taken the unexpected arrival, for example.

Erik turns to look at Charles, preparing himself for Charles’ reaction to be one of shock or perhaps horror, but instead Charles looks... _elated_. Though his wide eyes betray his evident surprise overall Charles looks simply overjoyed at Azazel's arrival, as if he has never seen anything so incredible in his life.

Of course, although Erik may be able to tell that Charles is impressed, there's nothing to suggest that Azazel will be happy to be stared at so obviously- particularly given it is unlikely to be the first time Azazel has been gawped at on account of his mutation. Evidently though Charles must realise he is being perhaps a little tactless, as after a moment he shakes his head as if to clear it, and then he is approaching Azazel and extending his hand.

“Charles Xavier. It's wonderful to meet you”.

For a moment Azazel doesn't react- instead he simply remains completely still, staring at Charles’ outstretched hand as if he is imagining grasping hold of it and teleporting Charles somewhere very far away so he can drop him from a great height. Such a reaction is the last thing Erik wants but he supposes he can't blame Azazel from being wary, and he is keen to ensure Azazel knows he has nothing to fear from Charles.

“Azazel, this is Charles. He's Raven's brother, and a telepath...”

Though Azazel has never really been one for abject displays of emotion, there's a flicker of recognition when Erik says ‘brother’ and a larger one at ‘telepath', and then finally Azazel reaches to shake Charles’ hand- something Erik that makes Erik tense until the first few seconds pass without Charles immediately disappearing with a puff of smoke. Azazel lets go of Charles’ hand and though he still looks a tad distrustful Erik supposes he has every right to be, as Azazel is unlikely to be the only one confused about just what they’re all doing hanging around in Raven’s hotel room dressed in their winter clothes.

“So, shall we head off?” Raven asks, standing up from the bed and stepping over towards Azazel, a confident smile on her face.

Raven takes Azazel’s hand without hesitation, something Azazel doesn’t seem to mind one bit, and though Erik is still mildly vexed about the way Raven and Azazel have apparently been colluding behind his back, he knows he is more than willing to wait to air his grievances until later. Because as Erik turns to look at Charles, taking in the look of joy and excitement on Charles’ beautiful face, he knows that the benefits are likely to far outweigh the costs.

 

If Erik didn’t know any better he’d be inclined to say that Charles has never experienced teleportation before. It’s a strange sensation- like being turned inside out and then put back together again- and it’s the kind of experience that takes a while to get used to, particularly if it is the first time.

As soon as the four of them materialise in the middle of the National Park, surrounded by deep snow, endless trees, and wide mountain ranges, Erik immediately turns towards Charles- reaching out instinctively as Charles pitches forward as if he is about to keel over. Erik seizes him under one arm, supporting Charles’ weight as he sags against Erik’s body, and for a brief moment Erik is worried that Charles might be about to faint. But then Charles tilts his head back, his face becoming visible from beneath his frankly ridiculous floppy woollen hat, and the wide smile apparent on Charles’ face tells Erik that he is okay.

“Are you alright?” Erik asks, still needing to be sure.

Charles’ grin grows even wider.

“Alright? I’m bloody fantastic! That was amazing!”

Immediately Charles slips out of Erik’s grasp and turns towards Azazel, seizing his hand once more and beginning to shake it enthusiastically, whilst Azazel stares at him in obvious bemusement.

“My friend, you have a remarkable mutation. Absolutely extraordinary! You simply must come visit me at my office sometime- I’d love to learn more about what you can do”.

Azazel looks like he is about a million miles away from agreeing to such a thing, but before he can respond Raven steps over and pries Charles’ hand away, taking Azazel’s arm as she starts to lead him. They trudge a few paces away in the snow, and though the conversation they’ve having is clearly a private one considering their voices are lowered and they’re standing very close together, Erik can’t help but watch them- feeling like he is imposing on something rather personal but finding himself unable to look away. Next to Erik Charles is like a mirror, his eyes trained on the sight of his sister talking intimately to someone he has only just met, and it’s something that Charles is clearly surprised by given the look of curiosity and confusion on his face when Erik turns to look at him. Consequently, Erik doesn’t envy the amount of explaining Raven will probably be required to do later…

Raven’s parting words to Azazel are indistinguishable like the rest of the conversation, but the kiss that she leans up to press to Azazel’s cheek is all too apparent, prompting Erik to finally turn away in an attempt to give them some privacy. He looks at Charles instead, unable to suppress the small smile that begins to creep over his face as Charles’ mouth gapes, and after a moment he decides that Charles is clearly going to need some encouragement to stop him from embarrassing himself.

“Come on, Charles. Let’s start exploring, shall we?” Erik says gently, grasping Charles’ arm and beginning to steer him away.

“But… But…”

Erik gives Charles’ shoulder a comforting squeeze as Charles continues to babble.

“Just give them a minute, okay Liebling?”

Though it’s clear that Charles is still feeling somewhat preoccupied he allows Erik to lead him away, eventually succumbing to Erik’s attempts to distract him by talking about the weather and the scenery and whatever else Erik can think of. It helps that the scene around them is so beautiful- a wide expanse of space covered in pristine white snow, seemingly untouched by anyone for some time considering there are no signs of footprints or human disturbance. It seems that Azazel’s assistance has enabled them to reach a section of the park normally made inaccessible by the recent snowfall, given that the surrounding roads are covered by deep snow and therefore extremely difficult to use, and it means that Erik’s plan of being alone with Charles has worked out even better than he could have possibly imagined. Or perhaps not…

“Wait for me!”

Erik can’t help but curse under his breath as he hears Raven running towards them, snow kicked up by her feet as she hurries through it. When Raven catches up to them she immediately barges in-between Erik and Charles, linking her arms through each of theirs before they fall into place walking together.

“I hope you two weren’t trying to ditch me”, Raven says, scrunching up her face playfully as she looks at each of them in turn. “I was only saying goodbye to Az- you could have waited for me”.

“Yes of course, so we could play gooseberry whilst you were sucking face…” Charles mutters.

“Oh, Charles- don’t be such a prude. We were doing no such thing. It was just a friendly goodbye, that’s all”.

“Well it certainly seemed very friendly... Raven, don’t you think he’s a bit old for you?”

“Pah. You’re one to talk, given your dating record… Remind me, Charles- your fiancée is _how many_ years older than you?”

Erik turns his head in surprise as Charles’ face begins to flush, presumably from a different reason other than the cold.

“Um, only four…”

“Four years between you and Moira!” Raven exclaims, turning towards Erik and putting on her most scandalised expression. “Can you believe it, Erik? You’d have thought Charles would be able to find someone decent his own age but for some reason he seems to struggle in that area…”

“Oh, bugger off, Raven”, Charles mutters, shrugging out of her grasp and starting to walk a bit further ahead.

Rather rapidly Erik feels like his pleasant daytrip with Charles is starting to turn into a complete farce, and Erik’s heart sinks at the sight of Charles trudging away in the snow, his shoulders hunched and his head down. Things only seem to get worse as Raven abruptly loosens her hold on Erik’s arm and sprints after Charles, letting out some kind of frenzied war cry as she tackles him with surprising grace- leaving Erik standing there staring in complete disbelief as they both tumble forward into the snow. Erik is just imagining an awkward morning spent separating two warring Xaviers before a speedy trip back to the hotel, but to his immense relief the first thing Erik hears as Charles rolls over onto his back is… laughter. A slightly hysterical sound, but laughter nonetheless.

Erik steps over to where Charles and Raven are lying sprawled in the snow, looking down in complete bemusement at the sight before himself. Having grown up with no siblings and relatively few friends Erik is unaccustomed to the complexities of sibling relationships, and as such it’s hard for him to understand why Raven and Charles are apparently so amused to be rolling around in the snow together. However, it is worth the confusion to be able to see Charles looking so _happy_ ; giddy and carefree as he smashes a large handful of snow into Raven’s face, prompting her to squeal loudly. Erik allows them a couple of minutes to amuse themselves before he intervenes, and though Erik tries to look incredibly stern and unamused as Raven and Charles both turn on him and pelt him with hastily gathered fistfuls of snow, Erik knows he would be lying if he said he wasn’t enjoying himself.

 

For the next couple of hours Erik, Charles, and Raven wander through the National Park, exploring ice caves and gazing at frozen waterfalls; enjoying a winter wonderland that is so stunning it is almost ethereally beautiful. It’s been a long while since Erik has allowed himself to take time away from whatever mission he is currently working on, to just relax and enjoy the day rather than spending it plotting and planning, and as such it soon seems rather like the best day Erik has experienced in years.

Of course the outing is not _quite_ perfect, for one obvious reason. Though Erik has grown to appreciate Raven's company, even adore it somewhat, he can't help but wish for some time alone with Charles, without Raven tagging along. It's hard to attempt to reconcile with the love of your life when their kid sister is hanging around, and Erik wants so desperately to be able to speak to Charles when they are by themselves. All morning Erik has been enamoured by the sight of Charles- by his wit and humour, by his enthusiasm and excitement, by his beauty and charm- and consequently Erik's desire for Charles is such that he can barely contain himself. Every time Charles looks Erik's way or smiles at him in that adorable way he does sometimes Erik feels his heart race faster, because Charles is _everything_ and it's all Erik wants to be with him, at long last.

As it is though, Erik tries to accept the idea of disappointment. There are so many wonderful sights within the park and it's clear Raven wants to see them all, and so Erik attempts to set aside his wants and needs, and just enjoy the day with Charles and Raven. Around midday they decide to head towards one particularly grand point of interest- a large metal bridge that spans the width of a now-frozen river- and as they head towards the structure Erik allows himself a long, lingering look at Charles as he imagines having the opportunity to speak to him later, or perhaps the next day. But then Raven stops abruptly and turns around, using one hand to shield her eyes from the sun as she looks over at a nearby gap in the trees that leads to a small clearing.

“There- that’s the place where I'm going to build my snowman”.

“Snowman?” Erik and Charles both ask in unison.

“Yep. You can't have a day in the snow without building a snowman... You guys go check out the bridge like you wanted, and just come get me when you're done”.

Once again Erik is reminded that Raven is smarter than she looks, because as he glances over at her she turns and flashes Erik a distinctly sly look- one that tells Erik she knows exactly what she's doing.

“You’re sure?” Charles asks.

Raven nods, smiling pleasantly. “Yeah. You guys enjoy yourselves- you deserve it”.

Erik has never been one for overt displays of affection but in that moment he is overcome with such a feeling of warmth he finds himself wanting to hug Raven, even though such a thing would probably make Raven and Charles both die of shock... As it is he settles for reaching over to give her shoulder a quick squeeze, something that prompts Raven to scrunch up her nose at them both before she turns and begins to walk away.

“Well, then... I guess it's just you and I, Erik”.

Even just looking at Charles is enough to make Erik's legs feel weak, as if Charles’ presence is so awe-inspiring that it has rendered Erik's entire body as fragile and useless, except for his heart which is beating stronger than ever. Charles is gazing up at Erik, his wide blue eyes complemented by that stupid oversized hat, his lips flushed and red- more so given Charles has clearly been biting them. Erik has always loved when Charles would chew on his lower lip, particularly as Charles did it most of all on the occasions they were in bed together- when Erik's wilful dedication would result in Charles riling helplessly on the mattress, pale skin damp with sweat and flushed with colour as he bit his lip to keep from crying out in pleasure. Such thoughts run through Erik's head now as he looks at Charles, and he can only hope that Charles' mental barriers are in place so that he cannot read them.

“Shall we?” Erik asks.

In a somewhat hopeful gesture Erik extends his hand and offers it to Charles, and though the time afterwards in which he is left waiting is torturous Erik knows it is worth it just to try. As it happens Erik is rewarded anyway, because after a few moments Charles reaches over and tentatively takes Erik's hand. Both of them are wearing gloves so it's not exactly the most scintillating of contact, but it's still enough to have Erik's pulse racing even more rapidly- blood surging through his veins in response to the feeling of Charles' fingers entwined with his own for the first time in years. It's too much to expect that the gesture means anything certain, but still- it is very much like the sun shining through the clouds on a very wintery day.


	15. Chapter 15

 

 

On the walk up to the bridge Erik tries to recall the last time he held Charles' hand, but he cannot. It was arguably during the last few weeks of the summer they first met, after Erik had gradually grown more comfortable with Charles, so that he no longer flinched in response to his touch. It was never Charles that was the problem, of course. It was Erik- his demons, his fears, and his lack of trust. But most of all it was the fact that Erik had a hard time accepting that someone could touch him without hurting him.

But as Erik wanders through the snow with Charles, feeling the warmth of Charles’ gloved hand clutched in his own, he knows that he is safe with Charles- as he has always been. Charles looks over at Erik and smiles and he is resplendent in the sunlight- sweet and stunning and wonderful. The vast emptiness of the area around them means that they are fortunate enough to be completely alone, save for Raven who is somewhere nearby apparently working on building a snowman, and it's refreshing to be able to just _be_ together, without worrying that someone might see something they shouldn’t. It’s an idyllic situation that of course cannot last, particularly when you factor in Charles’ fiancée back at the hotel, but for now Erik is content to just enjoy the moment for what it is, and not worry too much about when it will be over.

When they reach the bridge Charles lets go of Erik's hand and runs a few paces ahead, footsteps resonating loudly against the metal structure as he crosses over. There's a look of giddy joy on Charles’ face as he pauses in the middle of the bridge, leaning heavily on the railing as he gazes down at the water below, and Erik can't help but stand there and stare at him- completely entranced by Charles' presence, and how much simper things seem when it is just the two of them together. Erik knows he would give anything for a lifetime of moments like this, but there is safety in isolation that cannot be found within society's restraints, and the snow can only cover their sins for so long.

“Could you imagine living somewhere like this?” Erik asks.

Charles stands upright and turns towards Erik, gripping the railing with both hands as he leans back against it.

“Hmm, I don't know... It would be peaceful certainly, but lonely... Plus I'm crap in the cold- you remember how I always used to--” Charles trails off, his cheeks starting to flush with colour before he adds: “Well, you know I don't like the cold...”

“I know... I remember...” Erik replies softly. “And it wouldn’t be lonely- not if we were together”.

Charles tilts his head to one side, looking at Erik questioningly.

“Is that what you want then?”

“Haven't I already made that clear...”

“I don’t know, Erik. You're kind of hard to read... I find that you say one thing but quite often you mean another. Like when we first met. You say you don't want me, you say you can't be with me, but you allow me into your bed every night and let me hold you. You say that we're over, you bloody _leave_ me, but now you want me back. Just tell me, Erik- what am I supposed to make of all that?”

Perhaps Erik should have known that it wouldn’t be easy- that the idyllic morning he's had with Charles so far couldn't possibly last, but it's disappointing nonetheless to see the shift in Charles; to watch his body language change as he folds his arms over his chest, starting to glare at Erik. There’s no real malice in it of course, there never is with Charles, but beneath the steely expression there is very real hurt and somehow that’s worse, because above all else Erik wants to _protect_ Charles, not cause him harm.

“I never wanted any of this...” Erik says eventually. “I tried to stop things before they even began because I knew what would happen- I knew that if I allowed myself to get close to you I would start to let my guard down, that I'd begin to care for you, that I'd _need_ you, that I'd fall--”

Erik catches himself before it's too late, pushes the words down where they belong, protects the part of himself that is still small and vulnerable and prone to weakness. It's safer that way, as it always has been, but it leaves Charles in the dark- cold and alone- and it's clear that years of uncertainty have taken their toll.

“Erik...” Charles says softly, his folded arms becoming less like a barrier and more like a comfort, his head dipping forward as if it hurts too much to look at Erik for one more second.

“I'm sorry, Charles... I tried to stop this but it's too late now, because I don't think I can live without you anymore. When I left before I thought I was doing the right thing for you- I thought it was what you needed but--"

Charles lifts his head, glaring at Erik once more.

“And who are you to decide what I need? Don’t I get a say in what happens in my own life?”

“Of course you do, but I was trying to protect you, Charles. I wanted to give you everything you deserve but there's so much I can't offer you- marriage, children--”

Erik trails off, because Charles is looking at him with the strangest smile on his face- one that is neither happy nor sad just... knowing. And as soon as Erik opens his mouth and asks: “What...?” he's sure he's already arrived at the answer.

“I never wanted any of those things, Erik”, Charles says quietly. “All I ever wanted... was you. I know that the kind of life we could have is one that comes with restrictions. I know that we would always need to be careful about what we did and where we did it. But I never asked to step into the light with you- not once. Those months that we spent in your apartment, where it was just the two of us and we had no one to answer to- that was the happiest I have _ever_ been. That’s all I ever wanted, Erik. Just you and I, like that, every day”.

The distance between Charles and Erik is made plain by not just by the physical separation, given they are standing on two sides of the bridge, but by the emotional detachment as evidenced by the hurt in Charles' voice and the pain in his eyes. Not for the first time Erik is forced to think back over every mistake he has ever made, particularly those pertaining to Charles, but the selfish part of himself just wishes there was an easy solution to it all now.

“I told you I made a mistake...” Erik starts, looking at Charles somewhat hopefully. “I miss you, Liebling. Can't we just be together now, like you wanted?”

Charles sighs. “It's not that simple, Erik. What I wanted was four years and a whole other life ago. So much has changed since then, _I’ve_ changed, and I can't just alter everything I've come to know because you've decided differently all of a sudden. You told me to think about it and that’s what I'm doing- I'm still thinking. You need to give me time...”

“You’re getting married in _two weeks_...”

“I know, Erik- and that’s the other reason why I need to be careful. I don't want to hurt Moira. She's a very dear friend to me--”

“Do you love her?” Erik interrupts.

“Erik--"

“Do you love me?”

It's the wrong thing to ask but Erik can't help himself, because more than anything he _needs_ to hear those words from Charles again- to know he is still loved. But Charles' response, his heart, is kept to himself leaving Erik cold, and he can't help but step closer to Charles to try and close both kinds of distance.

Charles turns around, leaning over the railing once more, and in response Erik moves closer- walking over to Charles as around them the first flakes of fresh snowfall begin to float down. Erik can feel the sleek metal frame of the bridge beneath his feet as he walks, the structure seeming to hum in response to Erik's powers, even if he is only grasping it idly. It's always comforting to be surrounded by so much metal, especially when Erik is feeling scared or alone, and it's comforting on this occasion too- particularly when it provides a welcome distraction.

Erik takes his place standing at the railing next to Charles, and as he draws his gloved hands over the cold metal he senses the form of the alloy- fragments and molecules uniquely perceived by Erik’s mutation, as only he can.

“You can feel it, can't you?”

Charles’ head is still lowered but he glances briefly in Erik's direction, his eyebrows raised in expectation of a response.

“The metal of the bridge, I mean...” Charles continues. “You have that same expression on your face that you always used to get when you used your mutation- a kind of concentration that is both focused and serene. It's wonderful really. I've never seen you so at peace”.

Erik shrugs. “It's never felt particularly peaceful... It feels like blood surging through my veins when I use my powers- a fire and anger and rage that drives me, and enables me to do great things”.

“No- you have it all wrong”, Charles replies, turning slightly towards Erik- his expression soft and sincere. “It's not the anger that gives you your strength, it's more than that- I've said it all along. There's _good_ in you...”

“The only good I ever had came from you, Charles...”

Charles shakes his head, turning fully to face Erik.

“That's not true, darling...” Charles replies, and Erik's heart soars, even though the immediate look of contrition on Charles’ face makes it clear he didn't mean to say it. Charles clears his throat uncomfortably before continuing: “Erik, what I mean is that the good I felt in you was there from the very first day we met. It never came from me because it's a part of you, you only need to open yourself up to it. It's the same with your powers- the strength you possess has always been there, but there's still so much untapped potential, right there beneath the surface, you only have to let it out”.

“And how do you propose I do that?”

“Well that's simple- by letting people in...”

It's something Charles has said to Erik more than once, on numerous occasions and in many different ways, but still after all these years it is something that Erik cannot allow himself to hear.

Charles has always made his fascination with Erik's mutation clear, and there are various times when Charles has talked to Erik about his powers- wanting to help Erik to advance them, wanting them to work together towards the same goal. Erik can remember one occasion in particular when he came close to agreeing- when he spent a warm summer's afternoon in a field with Charles, miles away from anyone who knew them. They waded barefoot through a stream to reach an isolated meadow and then laid in the grass together, gazing up at the sky as they talked about anything and everything, whilst Erik succumbed to the soothing feeling of Charles' fingers gently tracing his palm. In the near distance a large satellite dish was the only blight on the horizon but to Erik it was a comfort, and as the afternoon wore on they talked about Erik's mutation, until Charles eventually challenged Erik to use his powers to move the satellite.

_“Didn't you tell me you almost died once trying to lift a submarine?”_ Charles had asked.

_“It seemed worth dying for”._

_“Nothing is worth dying for...”_

_“You are”,_ Erik had thought at the time, but he never said it.

Erik didn't move the satellite dish that day, nor during any of the days that followed, because there was always something holding Erik back- something that holds him still, even now. Giving into Charles and everything he can offer would be both the easiest and the hardest thing in the world, and even though Erik has undoubtedly progressed a lot in the last four years, so much so that he can finally be honest enough to tell Charles he wants him, there is still such a long way to go.

When Erik brings himself back from daydreams he finds that Charles is still looking at him, his eyes wide and expectant, as if he continues to think more of Erik than Erik does of himself- confirmed when he next speaks.

“There’s more to you than you know...” Charles says softly. “I know it. I've _felt_ it. And if you just let yourself believe it I'm sure it would only make you stronger, until one day you possess a power that cannot be matched- even by me”.

“Charles, you’re a telepath- you have all sorts of incredible abilities. I can only move metal...”

“Nuh-uh. Levitation, remember?” Charles says, flashing Erik a sly grin.

Erik smiles widely back in response, remembering that day in the park with Charles, before his joy begins to fade as he recalls how everything had seemed so full of promise until reality came crashing down around Erik’s feet. In truth every moment with Charles since then has seemed like more of the same- elation followed by crushing defeat- and it’s an imbalance that pains Erik, and suddenly has him wishing for a more neutral topic so he doesn’t have to get his hopes up only to have them destroyed once more.

“Charles… What do you think is going to happen with this mutant cure?”

Charles’ smile fades in response to Erik’s question and the abrupt change in subject.

“Well, it’s hard to say… It’s kind of a complicated question to be honest, dependent on all sorts of variables and external factors. But I suppose most of all I just hope that it will do a great deal of good- that it will improve the lives of mutants everywhere”.

Erik can’t help but scowl slightly, though he tries to keep his tone of voice even and tempered.

“What possible good can removing the powers of mutants do? Whose cause does it serve other than the humans?”

“Erik, not everyone is as comfortable with their powers as you are. Not everyone can hide--"

“They shouldn’t have to hide…” Erik mutters, fingers gripping the metal railing beside himself more harshly. “We’re the superior species, Charles- you and I, just like I’ve said all along. How many times have we discussed this before now? I can’t believe we’re still labouring over the same issue…”

“Why is that so hard to believe, when you’re so stubborn and unwilling to compromise? The world is not always as you see it, Erik. There are other valid opinions besides your own”.

“I realise that, but we’re not talking about your solemn belief that Marmite is the greatest foodstuff known to man… We’re talking about something that has the potential to devastate our entire race, because no matter how good your intentions are, what Worthington Labs have created is very dangerous- particularly if it is allowed to fall into the wrong hands”.

It's a topic that Erik always knew would come up, and though he doesn't want to upset Charles by being too forthright and hard-headed, Erik needs to ensure Charles knows what an important issue this is- particularly with the conference due to start tomorrow. It’s vital that production of the so-called mutant cure is halted before it can really begin; that no additional humans are allowed to have a controlling interest in the future of the venture, because already Erik is uneasy enough to consider that the technicians at the labs have created the cure at all- even if he's slightly reassured by Charles’ involvement. But then Erik realises rather abruptly that not everything is as it seems, that maybe he doesn't know everything he thinks he does, and that this time it is Charles who is keeping secrets...

Charles turns away from Erik, appearing nervous as he exhales a long breath, like he is trying to prepare himself for something. At first Erik just assumes that Charles is annoyed at the nature of their conversation- tired of Erik’s stubbornness and his inability to concede on even the smallest of issues- but then it becomes clear that it's something else that has prompted Charles to turn away. Charles lingers for a moment, his feet making nervous patterns in the snow, and when Charles finally turns to face Erik once more his head is lowered, as if he is deeply ashamed.

“Worthington Labs didn't create the cure...” Charles says quietly.

Erik's mouth parts as he stares at Charles, because although he’s prompted to ask it is almost unnecessary, because the answer is written in Charles’ expression regardless.

“It was you...?”

Charles nods slowly. “It was Kurt's idea to begin with- that’s why he was always so interested in my mutation. From the very beginning he was testing my limits, trying to isolate the genes that gave me my psychic ability, but I never knew it at first- not until after he died. After you left I spent weeks looking through Kurt's research, trying to understand everything he'd learned about me, and at first it was just curiosity but then it became something else. Because the more I thought about it the more I realised how much easier my life would have been if I've never been born a telepath, if I was just _normal_...”

“Don't say that, Charles”, Erik replies quickly. “You shouldn't have to feel that way. Your abilities should be celebrated, not shunned”.

“Celebrated by who, Erik...?” Charles asks, his eyes large and sad. “By my mother? By my stepfather? By Raven, or by _you_?”

Though Erik’s mouth opens to offer countenance no words come out, because to disagree would be to ignore all those weeks he and Charles spent together, when Erik kept Charles at a distance from both his heart and his mind. Erik tries to tell himself that he did it to protect Charles, to prevent Charles uncovering Erik's duplicitous intentions at that time, but deep down he knows that's not true. Above all else Erik knows he feared Charles' intrusion for one reason only- he knew that Charles' mutation meant that he would be able to see into Erik's head, rifle through every thought and memory, and the idea of that scared Erik more than he could possibly say.

It's something that Erik still fears until this day, because although he knows he can trust Charles- which is a huge accomplishment given Erik has never been able to truly trust _anyone_ \- he still fears what damage Charles could do with the best possible intentions. There are memories Erik has pushed down to the lowest part of himself, recollections Erik does not allow himself to dwell on except for when they rise up to haunt his dreams, and to know that Charles could most likely access any of them in an instant is nothing short of terrifying. Not because Charles’ power is something to be afraid of, but because Erik's past is and he does not wish to allow the stain of his former life to taint any part of Charles’ present.

But then Erik looks at Charles, sees the misery in his expression borne of decades of rejection and isolation, and he realises that the most important thing is not his own fragile mentality, or the way his fears prevent him from wanting to appear weak in front of Charles. If Erik loves Charles, like he knows he does, then a part of that has to mean sacrifice- a willingness to put Charles' happiness before Erik's own, and though it may have taken years perhaps late is better than never.

Erik moves closer so he is stood directly in front of Charles, looking down into those wide blue eyes that seem very much like the ocean, tempting Erik to drown. Charles sniffles sadly, reaching up to wipe his face with his gloved fingers, but Erik captures Charles’ hand and holds it, before gently lifting it so that Charles' fingertips just brush against Erik's temple.

“I never should have made you feel like your mutation was anything less than a gift...” Erik says softly. “I know it's taken me time, too much time in fact, but I'm ready now. I've felt the influence of your telepathy before, even if it was only briefly, and it was so incredible... And so, I want you to stop holding back for my sake. I want you to read my mind, Charles...”

Even as Erik says the words he knows he is still afraid, but he bites his tongue to quell his objections, he clenches his fist to keep his hand from shaking, and the fear passes.

“I... I don't understand”, Charles replies eventually.

Charles' fingers are still pressed against Erik's forehead but it's clear that Erik's hold is the only thing keeping his hand there, because Charles is _shaking_ and it has nothing to do with the inclement weather.

“Charles... Please come in”.

For a long moment Charles just stares at Erik, his expression questioning and unknowing, as if he doubts the very things he sees and hears and no longer trusts his own senses. It’s probably not that unreasonable for Charles to harbour doubts- he has experienced a lifetime of hurt and uncertainty, unable to find reassurance from his own family let alone anyone else, and Erik knows he has not helped in that respect. But if Charles can just believe now, if he can allow himself to take a leap of faith then Erik knows he would catch him- that he would never let him fall again.

Erik lets go of Charles’ hand, giving him the space to make his own decision, and Erik’s heart sinks slightly as Charles immediately lowers his arm. But it is only for a moment, because in the next second Charles is pulling off his glove before raising his hand once more, and pressing his fingertips gently against Erik’s temple.

At first Erik doesn’t feel anything, doesn’t register anything but the closeness of Charles and the comforting sight of his sweet face as he gazes up at Erik. But then something happens- a kind of soft light begins to filter into Erik’s senses as the view in front of him dissipates, replaced by phantom images rising up, warm and welcome.

When Erik has considered what it would be like to have Charles enter his mind fully he always thought it would be like plunging into deep, dark depths as every repressed thought and memory surged to the forefront, like hundreds of firmly closed doors being wrenched open. Fortunately the reality is starkly different. Though the pain of past memory still lingers at the edge of Erik’s subconscious its influence is limited, as if it is being slowly covered in soft gauze, lessening its presence. In truth there is a lot of Erik’s life he cannot remember, as if recollections of Auschwitz are so painful Erik has tried to bury them, and with them anything prior has been lost too- a casualty of repression. But as Erik stands there with Charles, staring straight ahead as Charles’ face slowly slips out of focus, he starts to see memories come to life- things he has long since forgotten.

It is hard for Erik to think about his mother without having one, solitary thought spring to mind- the memory of her standing in Shaw’s office, seeming so small and so frail, but nevertheless trying to remain strong as she told Erik everything was going to be okay. Whether she actually believed that or if she was just trying to keep Erik from panicking Erik still doesn’t know, because with a count of _“Eins… Zwei… Drei…”_ she was murdered, and Erik’s life changed forever. Now, anytime Erik thinks of her he remembers that room- the deafening sound of gunshot resounding in Erik’s ears, the metallic smell of blood as it spread across the floor, the look of cold and chilling absence in her eyes as she lay there. Any other memories Erik has of his mother are secondary to that one, because the two are hopelessly entwined, no matter how much Erik wishes he could separate them.

Erik recalls the moment, flinching in response to the sound of the gunshot as if he is hearing it for the first time, but just as the feelings of grief and despair begin to rise up they are halted, set aside by something sweeter. For the first time the haunting recollection of Shaw’s office is overthrown, replaced by hundreds of different thoughts and memories- most of which Erik didn’t realise he had anymore. Erik remembers standing with his mother in their small living room, seeing the look of pride on her face as she straightened Erik’s clothing ready for his first day of school. Erik remembers being with his mother in their kitchen, standing on a stool to reach the counter so he could help her with making dinner. Erik remembers standing solemnly by the dining table, his mother’s hand gently grasping Erik’s own as they carefully lit the candles of the menorah. All recollections are bright and fond and wistful, and they remind Erik that there is more to him than the monster he has made himself become- that there is good in him, after all.

When Erik comes back to his senses it takes him a while to register the scene around him, to remember that he is standing on a bridge in the winter wilderness with Charles, to realise that a solitary tear is tracking slowly down his cheek until it is frozen in place. Gradually everything comes back into focus and Erik sees that Charles is crying too- his eyes red and watery as he gazes at Erik, his expression strangely joyful in spite of the tears. He looks deeply moved and it’s how Erik feels too, because Charles has just given Erik something wonderful- a gift he’s sure he can’t possibly deserve.

“Those were some very beautiful memories, Erik…” Charles says softly. “Thank you”.

Erik continues to stare as Charles gently brushes his thumb against Erik’s cheek, before removing his hand.

“I’d forgotten…” Erik replies eventually. “I didn’t know I was still able to think of her like that, without… without…"

“I know, darling- I know… Are you alright? How do you feel?”

It’s a simple enough question but in truth Erik isn’t sure he can put into words how he feels, because what has just happened is something extraordinary, something unprecedented and incredible, and overall something that has changed Erik- that has made him into more than he was before. Erik can feel it now beneath his skin, not just the same thrum of energy that is always there- a force that is dark and deadly- but something brighter, yet somehow equally powerful. Charles always said that it takes both light and shade to possess true power, that the only way for Erik to reach his true potential is to find the point between rage and serenity, and now Erik finally feels like he has found it.

“I feel like if there was a satellite dish here I could move it for you. I could move a whole stadium if you wanted me to”.

Charles beams, his expression bright and giddy.

“Well you don’t need to do anything quite like that… You can feel it though? How much stronger you can be when you just open yourself up to more than just anger and pain?”

“Perhaps, though it’s still to be proven… Let’s see if you’re right, shall we?”

Charles raises his eyebrows questioningly, watching as Erik removes his gloves and stuffs them in his pocket before extending his arms, his fingers splayed wide. A low thrum of power continues to run through Erik’s veins, spurred on by that same feeling of warm contentment that Charles has coaxed and nurtured, something that Erik realises he can still perceive- as if the link Erik has allowed Charles to open up between them is one that still remains even now. It’s comforting and it’s encouraging, and as Erik uses his powers to trace the metal structure of the bridge all around them he senses Charles with him, and knows that it is going to be hard for either of them to let go when the time comes.

As Erik seizes hold of the bridge he feels it vibrate under the influence of his mutation, atoms and molecules trembling as they try to resist him, as Erik struggles to maintain his grip. It’s been a long time since Erik has even attempted to move anything this large- not since the submarine that nearly killed him or the satellite the following year; both failures that only reinforced to Erik the idea that more can be achieved with small, sharp pieces of metal than with cumbersome amounts. This time however it is different, because as Erik begins to take command of the metal he senses Charles’ presence, feels the residual warmth conjured by lingering memories of his mother, and for the first time knows he can do anything, like there is no limit to his power.

Around them the sound of creaking fills the air as the bridge starts to pull away from the earth, metal joists unseated from concrete as the structure begins to rise, taking Charles and Erik with it. Although the spectacle of a large bridge lifting up into the air should be something to command attention Erik finds that his eyes are drawn to Charles instead, unable to look away from the sight of Charles as he gazes around himself in abject awe and admiration, his eyes wide and disbelieving. Charles continues to stare as the metal structure performs a revolution, turning so that Charles and Erik are facing opposite sides to what they were originally, before slowly it lowers back into position, and then Erik carefully reattaches each side to the earth once more.

By the time the bridge is back in place Charles looks almost completely overcome, joyful but with fresh tears in his eyes, as if he cannot believe what he has just seen. Erik can barely believe it either but he knows that it’s true, just like he knows that what has just happened signifies a moment of great magnitude, and one that Erik will be unable to forget for the rest of his life.

Charles is trembling and so Erik reaches for his hand- taking it between both his own as he lifts it to his mouth and breathes into the space between his palms to warm Charles’ fingers. In response Charles is calm and yielding and Erik knows he could easily pull Charles closer and hold him, perhaps press his lips to Charles’ forehead and whisper to him that he loves him, that he’s _always_ loved him… But like the snow all around them the ground upon which they stand is weak and uneven, and Erik knows there are further steps to be taken before they are stable once more.

“Does this change anything?” Erik asks softly.

Charles inhales a shaky breath and looks down at his hand in-between Erik’s.

“I don’t know yet… There’s still so much to consider, so much to think about. But I know that I’ve _missed_ you, Erik. That having you back in my life now has been wonderful but at the same time it hurts because I don’t know if it can last, if _we_ can last”.

“We can, Charles… I’ve changed”.

“I know that. I can see that. But I have too and there’s no way of knowing whether the people we are now even work together. I still need time to think- we both do. Because it’s not just as simple as one kiss solving everything- not for me, and not even for you. Have you thought about what would happen next? Are you planning to stay with the Brotherhood? Can it even work- you being with them but also with me?”

“Well… I don’t know, Charles”.

“Exactly. Neither do I. Which is why we need to be careful”.

Charles takes a step back and the distance hurts Erik but he understands it too, because Charles is right of course- this is no fairytale, and no simple kiss will ever be the solution to their problems.

“The conferences start in the morning”, Charles says, folding his arms across his chest. “I need to concentrate- make sure I’m ready- because it’s not going to be easy, as I’m sure you know. Finding out about the existence of mutants is going to come as a huge shock to everyone in that room tomorrow, and we need to tread carefully to ensure everything goes according to the plan”.

“And what is ‘the plan’ exactly?”

“Mutation isn’t something that’s going to remain a secret forever- people are already starting to talk- but if we do it this way with a few select people it will remain under our control. We need support to fund the cure, for research and trials and so on, and I can’t do it alone- particularly when the money I have at my disposal is already set aside for a different project”.

“What project?”

Charles pauses, reaching for his glove before starting to put it back on.

“I want to open a school, Erik… Maybe not now but one day- somewhere mutants can come and learn to control their powers. It’s what I want to use the cure for eventually- I want to offer it to mutants, but only after they have spent time with me first, so that I can train them, nurture them, but not just me- other teachers too. Other mutants. No one should have to feel helpless, Erik- no one. This school will be a place where young mutants can feel safe, where they can hone their abilities in a safe environment, and if ultimately they can’t learn to control their powers they can take the cure- but only after extensive coaching”.

It is so much like Charles to suggest such a thing, to want to help others- particularly mutants- but Erik knows that it’s misguided too, particularly considering the potential danger that will come from involving outsiders.

“We don’t need a cure, Charles…” Erik says carefully. “The part with the school is admirable, and you know I’ll support you completely on that, but the cure… No mutant needs to be cured”.

Charles’ head tilts to one side as he looks at Erik.

“You always did see things in very stark terms, but not everything is so black and white. These mutants need our help--"

“Yes, and telling a whole group of humans about our kind so they can manufacture a serum to ‘cure’ us is not the thing to help them. You know how I feel, Charles- you know I don’t think we should have to hide, but there’s a difference between not being ashamed of our abilities and announcing them to the wider world. It’s foolhardy and it’s naïve and it’s going to get us all into a lot of trouble. No good can come of this, Charles- I’m telling you”.

Erik always knew that this subject would come up, and that it would be something he and Charles would never be able to agree on, but it’s still upsetting to see the hurt register on Charles’ face. In many ways it sometimes seems to Erik like he and Charles are on opposite ends of the same spectrum, like they are two sides of the same coin, and no matter how much common ground they may share they are never quite able to reach a point of harmony, at least not for very long.

There is more to be said, there always is, but before Erik can start there is the sound of footsteps resounding on the metal surface and Erik looks over to see Raven racing along the bridge towards them.

“Oh my god, guys- did you feel that?” Raven exclaims. “It was like an earthquake or something. Totally ruined the snowman I was building, but I suppose I can build another one if I--” Raven trails off, looking them both questioningly before adding: “Um, guys? What’s wrong?”

Erik turns to regard Charles, sees clearly the impact his words have made, and feels ashamed. Though Erik knows he meant everything he said to Charles, that he really does think the cure is a stupid idea, that doesn’t mean he never intended to discuss things further- to reason with Charles, rather than just beating him down. But right now it seems like Erik is never going to have the opportunity to do that, because Charles is avoiding Erik’s eyes, his expression downcast and his arms folded defensively across his chest, and it’s clear the damage has already been done.

“Um, perhaps we should head back to the hotel…” Raven says quietly. “Azazel will be popping back in to meet us soon”.

Charles nods mutely, allowing Raven to link through his arm before she starts to lead him away. Meanwhile Erik can only watch, wondering how many more times he’s going to upset Charles before he stops making the same mistakes.


	16. Chapter 16

 

 

Erik has hurt Charles so many times in his life he is sure he is practically an expert in it, though he knows it is nothing to be proud of... Even on this occasion, when Erik's reason for upsetting Charles is one that he still stands by, it is nevertheless hard for Erik to accept what he's done, and to not want to take it back. After all, spending an evening sitting in a dining hall across the room from Charles, watching as Charles refused to meet his eyes and drowned his sorrows with numerous quantities of alcohol, has certainly done little to quell the feelings of unease that writhe inside Erik. He wants to speak to Charles, to talk through their differences, but with Charles presumably cosied up with his fiancée somewhere down the corridor from Erik's hotel room, it seems Erik will be unlikely to get the chance to do so any time soon.

As so, Erik lies in bed alone, thinks of Charles, wants him as always but knows he cannot have him. Tomorrow morning the conferences will be starting, and Charles will be announcing to a room full of people that he is a mutant, and that there are many more of his kind out there. It's something Erik does not like, something he wants to prevent, but already he has handled the topic poorly and has upset Charles, and Erik knows he will need to tread carefully if they are to broach the subject again. Of course, it seems unlikely there will be much opportunity to do so anyway, not unless some kind of miracle means Erik will be permitted to see Charles before sunrise, so as it is all Erik can do is close his eyes and attempt to get some sleep.

 

It takes a while for fatigue to set in, for Erik's mind to give up hoping and switch off, for his eyes to close- heralding the start of a restless sleep. As soon as Erik slips into an unconscious state he dreams of Charles, as he always does, and remembers all those occasions when he would fall asleep in his apartment only to awaken to the mattress dipping as Charles slipped into bed beside him. Numerous times since Erik's mind has dwelled upon that feeling- of Charles' arms winding around his waist from behind as Charles nuzzles his face into the back of Erik’s neck. Sometimes the memory is so tangible Erik can almost _feel_ it, and this occasion is no different.

As Erik lies there in his hotel room, mind lingering in that space between asleep and awake, he feels the warmth of a body next to his own, snug against his back. He feels an arm wrap around his waist, hand splayed across his stomach over his t-shirt. He feels lips brush against the back of his neck, like the echo of a kiss- wanted but not quite taken. Erik feels all those things and then suddenly his heart tremors as he realises that he is not alone after all, not this time.

“Charles...?”

Next to Erik the small shape moves closer, clinging on as it lets out a quiet whimper and replies: “I never wanted to disappoint you, Erik...”

Erik reaches down to take Charles’ hand, squeezing gently and hoping that, if this is a dream, it is one that will stay with him until sunrise.

“You could never disappoint me, Liebling”.

“But I _did_...” Charles sniffles. “You said it yourself- the cure is stupid and foolish, and all I'm going to do is make things worse for all of us. I should have thought more about what I was doing, but I wanted to make you proud of me- I wanted to do something to help mutants, like we always talked about. But instead I've buggered everything up, and tomorrow I've got to stand there and tell everyone about us- about our kind- and in the back of my mind I’ll be thinking about you, and knowing I've let you down...”

“Charles... It's not too late”.

Charles shakes his head, nudging his face further into the back of Erik's neck.

“It is...” Charles replies miserably. “I can't back out now, and I'm not even sure I want to- despite what you may think of me. I'm trying to make a real difference, Erik- to ensure that no mutant has to feel lost and hopeless and isolated. They have to know that there's an answer for all of us- that we're not alone...”  

“But there's another way, Charles. We can work together- we can find a solution”.

“How? There's no time. And I shouldn’t even be here anyway...”

It's something Erik has been thinking himself, but he's been unwilling to mention as much given he doesn't want to do anything to shatter the symbiosis. Because this is the first time in such a long time that Erik has been this close to Charles and it's _perfect_ , even if it doesn't make complete sense. But perhaps it makes more sense than Erik would like to admit, because after all Erik spent most of the evening watching Charles, seeing him consume drink after drink, watching the effects of the alcohol register until eventually Charles’ fiancée took control and steered him towards his hotel room.

“Charles, you're drunk...” Erik says, eyes closing at the realisation.

“Nuh-uh... Not really. I've slept since then. I'm fineeee...”

“Then why are you here?”

In response Charles wriggles closer, and Erik's heart begins to pound as he registers the feeling of Charles’ crotch pressed against his ass- not hard but promising; as promising as it has ever been to be that close to Charles. They seem to fit together so perfectly, as if their bodies were made for each other, and though it's an overly romantic notion Erik knows he's inclined to believe it, because he’s sure he never felt whole as a person until the summer he met Charles.

“I've _missed_ you, Erik...” Charles whispers, his voice almost lost to the darkness and the quiet of the room. “I've missed being with you, like this. Everything seemed so much simpler when it was just the two of us in your apartment, when you would let me crawl into your bed at night and hold you as we both slept. I just wanted to see if it had all changed between us, or if some of what we were has prevailed and it could still feel the same”.

“And does it?” Erik asks, inclining his head to try to look back at Charles, even though he can't make out anything in the dim light.

Charles lets out a quiet sigh, his fingers gently tracing Erik's ribs over his t-shirt, and then he softly replies: “It's the same...”

The words are all the encouragement Erik needs, and it prompts him to roll over to face Charles- wrapping his arm around Charles’ waist as he attempts to pull him closer. Charles seems so small lying there next to Erik, more so as he turns his face into the pillows as if he is attempting to hide, and Erik is reminded of how much he craves Charles like this- close to Erik, in his bed, where Erik can protect him. Slowly Erik's eyes begin to adjust to the light and he can see the soft brown locks of Charles' hair, the light dusting of stubble on his jawline and the flushed colour of his lips, the striped pyjamas he is wearing- the metal buttons of which call out to Erik courtesy of his mutation. There is nothing Erik would like more than to strip Charles off and cover him with kisses; touch and caress Charles until he shivers and moans, to bite into pale flesh before pressing his tongue against Charles' skin to soothe the marks... But Erik still remembers what he said to Charles the previous day- when he promised not to kiss Charles unless he asked for it- and it's a commitment Erik intends to keep.

Still, that doesn't mean Erik cannot tempt fate a little; cannot express his desires in other ways. This is, after all, a rare opportunity- having Charles in his bed- and it's not something Erik wants to waste, not when he doesn't know when, or perhaps _if_ , it will ever happen again.

And so, Erik reaches for Charles, gently running his fingers through Charles' hair before trailing his thumb along Charles’ jawline, hoping to coax Charles into turning his head. For whatever reason Charles is still being avoidant, his face still turned into the pillow, but he's _there_ \- he's in Erik's bed- and surely that is encouragement enough.

“Charles... I've missed you so much, Liebling... I _want_ you...”

Charles murmurs quietly in response, the sound somewhere between a whimper and a sigh, but he turns towards Erik- lifting his chin so he is finally looking Erik in the eyes. It’s still too dark for Erik to really make out much of Charles’ expression but he can see the glassy sheen of Charles’ eyes, something that tells Erik he's not the only one feeling emotional about how close they now are.

“I want you too...” Charles whispers.

Though he remains lying prone on the bed Charles reaches for Erik, lifting one hand and starting to trace his fingertips over Erik's face, as if he is trying to recognise him by touch alone. Charles’ hand trails down Erik's neck and across his collarbone, slipping under the collar of Erik's t-shirt and caressing flesh that he already knows will be scarred and broken to touch, because he has felt it before. And Erik doesn't flinch, doesn't recoil, because Charles is a part of him now, and there is not a single aspect of himself that Erik wants to hide from Charles any longer.

Erik reaches down to lift his shirt, takes Charles’ hand and places it there on his ribs- lets Charles’ fingertips gently caress the area, like he has so rarely in the past, making it seem like some rare, precious event. Inside his pyjama bottoms Erik's cock is filling out rapidly, spurred into action by the proximity to Charles, the warmth of him, and the fact that Erik just _needs_ this so fucking badly, because it has been four years since Erik last slept with Charles and he has never stopped wanting him. There have been a few people since then, encounters with men and women but none of them like Charles- none of them anywhere close. Because it was always more than just sex with Charles, ever since the very beginning, and Erik so badly misses that closeness, that security, that feeling of contentment that only ever came from Charles alone.

Though Erik still tells himself he isn't going to kiss Charles, not unless he asks for it, Erik shifts so that he is leaning over Charles, knees planted either side of Charles’ waist as Erik cups Charles’ face with one hand, gazing down at him ardently. Even in the dim light Erik can see how heavily Charles is breathing, his chest moving up and down with each frantic breath as Erik places his hand there, over Charles’ heart, like he can soothe the rhythm with touch alone. But it’s more than that really, because the beat of Charles’ heart has always seemed to Erik like the rhythm to an old familiar song, one that Erik still knows all the words to even now. Erik's mutation allows him to sense it, to perceive the blood as it pumps through Charles’ veins, and Erik's awareness is such that he is able to tell that the blood isn't just flowing to Charles' heart either, it's flowing distinctly southwards too...

It's almost too much to hope for but Erik desires it anyway, can think of nothing he wants more than to tear Charles' clothes off and rub himself against Charles’ naked body, feeling the warmth and weight of him beneath. Erik _wants_ it but he won't say so, because he made a promise to Charles to abstain, and to only give Charles what he asks for. But then Charles looks up at Erik, his hands sliding higher up under Erik's shirt, his mouth parting in an expression of abject desire as he says quietly: “Erik... I want to _feel_ you...”

The words take a moment to register, given they sound almost too good to be true, but Charles’ actions continue to speak as he pulls Erik's t-shirt higher and higher, eventually pulling it over Erik's head as Erik willingly assists. After Erik's shirt comes his pyjama bottoms, wilfully discarded as Charles yanks them down, freeing Erik's hard cock which he aches to press against Charles’ body, if only he could access some bare flesh. In the end Erik's desire overrides everything else and he uses his powers to open Charles’ pyjama top by sliding the metal buttons through each hole one by one, so that Erik finally has what he needs.

“ _Charles_...” Erik moans, pressing himself against Charles' body, his face buried in Charles’ neck.

The scent of Charles is sweet and intoxicating as Erik rubs himself against the curve of Charles’ belly, emboldened by the way Charles murmurs in return and wraps his arms around Erik's waist, fingertips tracing along the base of his spine. Erik wants so desperately to feel Charles’ cock too, to see him naked for the first time in far too long, but Charles has made no indication of that being what he wants, in spite of the hard presence Erik can feel nudging against his leg. And so Erik remains where he is, face tucked into Charles’ neck where it is safe and warm, fingers entwined in Charles’ hair as he thrusts against him, shaking and trembling as his cock begins to throb, his balls heavy and drawn up tight into his body. It has been far too long since Erik has lain with anyone so he doesn’t expect to last, particularly when it is _Charles_ who is lying beneath him, Charles’ beautiful, pale, freckled skin that Erik is thrusting against, Charles’ scent in Erik's nose. And so it is only a short while before Erik is gasping and groaning, shuddering against Charles as he coats his stomach with come, gaining his release at last.

In the moments that follow Erik feels like he is almost lost, cast adrift in a sea of pleasure, tethered by one small thing- the presence of Charles' hands which are still grasping Erik's back. Erik breathes into Charles’ neck and wishes desperately that he could kiss him there, that he could trail his lips along Charles’ jawline and over to his mouth, so that he could lose himself in the majesty of Charles’ kiss, and all that it means. But Charles has still not asked for it, even after everything that has just happened, and for the first time Erik feels doubt start to creep in as he wonders whether he may have gone too far.

“Charles?” Erik asks, lifting his head so he can look down at Charles’ face.

Charles is still silent, the only sound emitted from his lips in the form of continued frantic breathing, only slowly decreasing in intensity. Though Charles appeared to be somewhat emotional before Erik can tell he is more so now, because as Erik stares at him he sees the watery sheen in Charles’ eyes, prompting Erik to reach up and gently brush his thumb against Charles’ cheek, wiping away some of the wetness there. It’s not how Erik had hoped Charles would feel after they were intimate again for the first time in forever, because where Erik is elated Charles seems devastated, and it’s disconcerting to say the least.

“Charles…” Erik repeats. “Are you alright? Did I… Did I hurt you, Liebling?”

The only response Erik receives from Charles is not one that fills him with any hope, because the more Erik’s eyes adjust to the light the more he realises that Charles isn’t really looking at him, he is looking _through_ him, as if Erik is not there at all.

“What have I done…?” Charles whispers.

Immediately Erik’s heart begins to pound with sheer panic as he sits up in bed, horrified to think that he may have hurt Charles or taken advantage of him in any way. Erik’s mind races as he thinks back over the past several minutes, trying to recall any moment when it seemed like Charles didn’t want it, or when he said no or asked Erik to stop, but he can’t remember any. It only leaves Erik feeling more confused about why Charles seems so unhappy now, when it seemed like he wanted it so much before.

“Charles, what’s _wrong_?” Erik asks desperately.

The agony lasts for a further few moments, and then Charles abruptly reaches up and wipes his face with his sleeve, before starting to sit upright.

“I’m fine”, Charles replies, his voice barely more than a whisper. “Sorry, I just… I’m fine”.

Charles removes his pyjama shirt before using it to wipe his torso, cleaning Erik’s come off his chest and stomach, and perhaps that’s the biggest indicator that something is wrong because Charles has never rid himself of any part of Erik so quickly before. Erik can’t help but reach for Charles, needing to be close to him, needing to _understand_ , but Charles simply shrugs out of Erik’s grasp, and it only makes Erik panic more. Because Erik knows what’s different now, what separates this occasion from any other intimacy he’s shared with Charles before. The familiar kiss of comfort that Charles always places to Erik’s forehead after they are done- the one that tells Erik he is appreciated, that he’s done a good job, that he’s _loved_. It hasn’t happened, and its absence hurts Erik more than he can possibly say.

“ _Charles_ ”, Erik pleads, knowing that he sounds desperate but not caring.

In response Charles finally looks at Erik, and the expression on his face is enough to shatter Erik’s heart into a million pieces, because it’s exactly how Charles looked on the last night Erik saw him, when Charles discovered that Erik had killed his stepfather and Erik knew that they were over.

“Just go to sleep…” Charles says softly.

Though it is the middle of the night sleep is the last thing on Erik’s mind, but strangely in the wake of Charles’ words Erik finds himself growing tired, weariness creeping in as his eyelids begin to lower. Of course Erik realises that it’s Charles, because the directive to sleep is accompanied by that same sweet, serenity Erik felt when he stood on the bridge with Charles and allowed Charles to enter his mind. It tells Erik that everything will be okay, even when all evidence lends to the contrary, and as Erik slowly slumps back against the mattress, fighting against his eyelids but gradually losing, he only hopes that the feeling can be trusted to be true.

 

When Erik awakens it is not like the previous morning, when his eyelids slowly opened to regard dim twilight gradually giving way to the burgeoning light of day. Instead the room is already bathed in sunlight, telling Erik that it is way past the time when he would usually get up, and that he is alone.

Erik hopes that it won’t be true but as soon as he turns to the side he sees the confirmation that Charles has left him- no evidence that he was ever there at all save for his soiled shirt lying on the mattress. For a moment Erik continues to lie there, rolling over to press his face into the pillow that Charles lay against last night, inhaling the scent of him and mourning the memory of Charles, and the knowledge that he is unlikely to be that close to him ever again. Last night seemed so much like the both the beginning and the end of something, because although Erik was allowed to be intimate with Charles- something he has wanted desperately- the fact that Charles left so soon after, even apparently going so far as to knock Erik out with his telepathy, tells Erik everything he doesn’t want to know.

Though he’s still not quite sure how, Erik is convinced that he somehow took advantage of Charles last night and pushed him into something he didn’t want to do, and consequently Erik now realises that the only way for him to make amends is probably to give Charles the freedom to live the life he wants to lead- without Erik, if necessary. But at the same time, how can Erik be sure? Charles left so suddenly leaving them no chance to talk, and Erik knows he will be unable to move on unless he knows for certain. And therefore there is only one plan of action that forms in Erik's mind as he gradually awakens- he needs to see Charles, and to find out how he feels about what happened once and for all.

 

Though it is later than Erik would normally get up it is still early as he walks down the corridor to Charles’ room, not knowing if he is doing the right thing but needing to at least try anyway. Of course the decision to go see Charles is a complicated one because it may not just be Charles inside his hotel room, if he is there at all, it might be Moira too. Therefore Erik knows he needs to tread carefully, and it’s for that reason why Erik does not use his powers to just open the door to Charles’ room and let himself in, instead he chooses to knock and wait patiently.

Fortunately it is only a short while that Erik has to wait before the door opens, and then Charles is there- peering out at Erik from inside his hotel room. It wouldn’t be unkind to say that Charles looks terrible- dark circles under his eyes that suggest he has barely slept- and Charles’ appearance only makes Erik feel worse about what happened between them, and the damage he has undoubtedly caused.

“Charles... I need to talk to you”.

The door doesn't immediately slam shut in Erik's face, which Erik considers to be a positive sign, but still Charles looks less than enthusiastic as he steps back and gestures for Erik to follow him inside. Erik trails after Charles, noting the smart suit Charles is wearing and realising that Charles is mostly likely due to head to the conference at any minute, and Erik only hopes that they have enough time to speak together before Charles has to go. The only problem is that now Erik is inside Charles’ room he doesn't quite know what to say, because how can he express the guilt and remorse he feels for hurting Charles, or taking advantage of him in any way?

“I'm sorry, Charles...” Erik says, deciding that the direct approach is the best one.

Charles visibly tenses where he is standing with his back to Erik, gazing out of the window at the view outside, and for a moment Erik worries that he has hurt Charles so badly that he is now unwilling to look at Erik, given he is still being avoidant. But then Charles turns around, and though he still looks quietly devastated he is at least facing Erik.

“It wasn't your fault...” Charles replies eventually. “It was mine”.

Erik blinks, looking at Charles in confusion.

“How is it your fault?”

Though Charles laughs there is little humour in it.

“I climbed into your bed... I put my hands on you... I asked you to take your clothes off...”

“So... you don't feel like I took advantage of you?”

“Not at all”, Charles replies, shaking his head. “What happened was my fault. I'm the one who should feel embarrassed, guilty, ashamed...”

“Liebling...” Erik starts, stepping closer. “Charles, no- you don't need to feel any of those things. Last night was--"

Charles' words cut Erik off and stop him dead in his tracks.

“I'm not talking about how I feel about us, Erik. I'm talking about... about Moira”.

Perhaps Erik should feel somewhat reprehensible for ignoring the part Charles' fiancée plays in all this, and how what happened last night will ultimately affect her, but as Erik stares at Charles it is clear _he_ has not forgotten. Erik sees it then- the culpability in Charles' eyes- and understands the reasons for Charles' words last night: _“What have I done?”_ After all, Charles may not have made vows yet but he has undoubtedly made promises, and by allowing Erik to touch him, to thrust against him, to come on him last night, it's arguable that Charles has broken them.

“I should never have crawled into your bed like that...” Charles says quietly, his gaze lowered. “I had too much to drink and I wasn't thinking, and I suppose I just needed comfort so I went to you because... because of how things used to be. I _shouldn’t_ have done it. I'm sorry it happened...”

Charles looks so despondent, so wracked with guilt, and Erik can't help but go to him- gently taking Charles’ face in his hands so he can tilt his head upwards to look into Charles’ eyes.

“I'm not...”

Charles' eyes widen at Erik’s response, and so Erik feels compelled to explain further.

“I'm not sorry it happened, Charles. I'm not sorry you crawled into my bed last night, I only wish you had stayed there... Last night was everything I had been hoping for since I arrived at this hotel, and you can't tell me it didn’t mean something to you too because I know it did. I _felt_ it. So please don't try to take it back now. _Please_ , Charles”.

Being this close to Charles now is almost better than last night, because the sun is shining brightly through the windows, illuminating Charles’ expression for Erik to behold. Charles still looks deeply upset- his eyes large and sad and ringed with red- but he's beautiful too; all pale skin sprinkled with a myriad of freckles, his lips flushed pink and just begging to be kissed. Erik wants Charles now as much as he ever did, wants Charles in every way possible, both happy and sad and everything in-between, but such a decision is in Charles’ hands, as it always is, and Erik can do nothing else but wait.

“Erik... Last night _did_ mean something to me, but it changes nothing... I'm getting married soon. I can’t hurt Moira- I just can't. Do you know she's downstairs right now helping set up the conference for me? She let me stay up here so I could rest a little longer, because she thinks I'm sick with nerves but really I'm just _sick_. I'm sick for letting you touch me, for letting you-- for letting you do what you did to me last night, for _cheating_ on Moira like that. I'm a morally reprehensible bastard and I deserve to be punished, Erik. I deserve to suffer for what I did, just like I'm suffering now”.

Erik is close enough to Charles that he is able to clearly see the moment when Charles breaks down- his expression crumpling as tears well up in his eyes and his lower lip begins to tremble. It's awful to know that Charles is hurting and Erik can’t help but hold him, wrapping his arms around Charles and pulling him close, allowing Charles to bury his face in Erik's chest as he starts to sob. Erik cradles Charles' head and strokes his fingers through Charles’ hair and it is like the morning they said goodbye in Erik's apartment only it is worse somehow, because if this is a goodbye too then it seems more permanent than before.

“Charles... Liebling, you can’t blame yourself for what happened. I did this too. I'm as much to blame as you are”.

Charles shakes his head in disagreement.

“I'm the one who promised to be faithful. I asked her to marry me. I swore my commitment to her...”

“I know, Charles- but when you did that you never thought you were going to see me again, did you?”

“What, and now you're here I should just forget about the life I've built and run away with you?”

The idea of that sounds like a dream to the part of Erik that is selfish and mercenary, but this is about more than just Erik's needs- it’s about ensuring that Charles is happy too, and right now he clearly isn't.

For a little while longer Erik allows himself to hold Charles, to press his face into Charles’ hair and breathe in his scent, as if it is the last time he will ever do so. Charles is clearly still distraught, it is evident in the way he is still whimpering slightly, his hands clenching and unclenching in the back of Erik's shirt, almost like he cannot bear to let go. But let go he must, because if Charles is this upset after just one small indiscretion Erik cannot allow himself to imagine how badly Charles will feel if anything else were to happen between them.

“Just tell me what you want, Charles...” Erik murmurs, still holding Charles close, if only for a little while longer. “Tell me”.

Charles’ response comes out muffled, given it is practically wailed into Erik’s chest.

“I don't knowwww...”

“Do you want to get married? Do you want to be with Moira, or with me?”

“I don't know...”

“Do you still love me, Charles?” Erik asks, squeezing Charles tight, feeling like the answer to that at least will give him an idea of what to do.

The fact that Charles doesn't say “I don't know” this time could perhaps be considered a victory, but if it is it's a decidedly hollow one because in response Charles slowly begins to unwind himself from Erik's grasp, taking a step back as he reaches up to wipe his eyes. Just looking at Charles is heartbreaking and it only makes Erik want to reach for him again, but the way Charles moves away entirely so his back is pressed up against the window tells Erik that he needs to keep his distance.

“What do you think I should do, Erik?” Charles asks quietly, staring down at the ground.

It's a complicated question because Charles is not asking about what Erik wants or even what he needs, he is asking for opinion alone- what Charles _should_ do. And the problem is Erik has no idea, because what would even be the best cause of action for Charles? He could stay with Moira, get married, live some ‘normal' life, but would he be fulfilled? Alternatively he could leave with Erik, embark upon a life of devotion and intense passion, but what kind of stability would he have? Ultimately it is about what Charles wants, but when he cannot decide what that is perhaps it's an answer in itself.

“Charles, I just want you to do the right thing for yourself...” Erik replies eventually. “I want you to be _happy_ , even if…” Erik inhales a deep breath, pushing down the objections that surge within him. “…Even if that means you're not with me... Because we had sex last night and now you’re miserable, and I worry that the way you feel is the answer to your question. Your choices should fulfil you, Charles. They should bring you peace. _You_ taught me that. Maybe you listen to yourself for once...”

Charles scoffs, folding his arms across his chest.

“So it’s my decision, is it? Great. The only problem is I don’t know what the bloody hell I want, or what I’m supposed to do. I just… I just don’t want to hurt anyone…”

If only it were that simple. But Erik knows the truth- he realised as much from the minute he arrived at the hotel. It was always inevitable, as certain as the stars, and no matter how much Charles or anyone else may attempt to achieve the contrary--

“No matter what happens, Charles- someone is going to get hurt…”

Charles looks up to meet Erik’s eyes, and the expression on his face makes it clear that this is a realisation he has already arrived at. It goes against everything Charles is, of course- it’s not in his nature to hurt anyone, and Erik has watched in the past as Charles has actively put himself in harm’s way to protect others. To ask Charles to make a choice now that he knows is going to cause upset and grief is probably too much to ask, Erik _knows_ this. And perhaps that is why Charles shouldn’t have to make the decision at all. It’s not what Erik wants, it’s not what Erik _needs_ , but perhaps it will help Charles and that’s reason enough.

“I’m going to leave…”

Charles nods quietly, his arms still folded across his chest as if he is trying to comfort himself.

“Yes, I suppose that would be for the best… The conference starts soon and that’ll keep us both busy for the rest of the day, so maybe we can find a moment to talk afterwards”.

“No, Charles…” Erik replies, shaking his head. “I’m going to _leave_. Leave the hotel. Leave Canada. Now”.

The surprise that registers on Charles’ face is instantaneous, telling Erik he is certainly not using his telepathy to keep ahead of the situation before it unfolds.

“You’re… _leaving_?” Charles asks, his eyes wide.

“Yes… I probably never should have come in the first place- it wasn’t fair to you, to Moira… I’m sorry, Charles. I should have stayed away- given you the time to think about what you wanted without pushing you”.

“Is this because of the conference? Because you don’t like what I’m doing with the cure and the talks and everything else?”

Arguably it’s something that is weighing heavily on Erik’s mind, but it actually has little to do with Erik’s decision to leave.

“No, Charles- it’s not about that. I’m not saying I agree with--” Erik trails off, knowing discussion of such will only lead to an argument and that’s the last thing he wants- particularly if it is going to be the last time he sees Charles. Instead Erik takes a step closer, fixing Charles with his most sincere gaze as he continues by saying: “I understand what you’re trying to achieve here, Charles. I’m… I’m proud of you. But I can’t be a part of this. I’m going back to America, where I belong, so you have the space and the freedom to do that you need to do- whatever that may mean”.

Erik promised himself he wouldn’t kiss Charles but he can’t leave without holding him, and so he steps forward and wraps his arms around Charles’ body, pulling him close so he can feel him one last time, so he can press his face into Charles’ hair and allow himself time to commit Charles’ scent to memory. Charles is mostly quiet in response but he murmurs slightly as Erik holds him, his hands reaching up to make fists in Erik’s shirt, as if he is clinging on for his life. Erik doesn’t want to leave him, doesn’t want to give up on the only person he has ever loved, but Charles deserves to have the space to make his own decisions, and though it hurts Erik will give that to him.

“Goodbye, Charles…” Erik whispers.

“Erik…” Charles murmurs in response. The word is like agony- like both a hushed tone of worship and a plea to stay, and Erik can’t help but tilt his head down to brush his lips against Charles’ forehead; not quite a kiss but the promise of such. Erik has experienced loss before but each time hurts as much as the last, and he doesn’t think he will ever get used to the feeling of something he loves slipping through his fingers, particularly when he is sure he could keep it if only he tightened his grasp.

Charles doesn’t say anything as Erik steps away, as Erik gives him one last soulful look before turning and heading over to the door. Perhaps it is easier this way- a more final goodbye than what they had before; one that at least provides some kind of closure, whether it is what either of them desires or not. But though this may not be what Charles wants (and Erik can’t truly be sure in that regard) nevertheless Erik is sure it’s what he _needs_ \- the space to gather his thoughts, to compose a clear head so he is able to deal with the upcoming conferences and then perhaps make a decision on his personal life afterwards. And when that happens, when Charles finally makes his choice about where he wants his life to lead, Erik will support him - whatever that may mean.

 

Erik is still dwelling on the thought of Charles half an hour later as he waits in his hotel room, bag packed and ready beside himself as he stares out of the window at the snow steadily falling outside. In a short while Azazel will be popping in to collect Erik so he can teleport him home, and though Erik knows he should be spending his time figuring out just what the fuck he is going to do with his life once he gets back, instead his thoughts are of Charles, and the devastated look on his face as Erik left his hotel room…

Charles never said anything as Erik left, never even moved from where he was standing by the window, and as such Erik has no way of knowing what Charles was thinking or feeling at the time. Nevertheless, it doesn’t really matter. Erik is sure he is leaving for the right reasons, and he needs to maintain his conviction no matter what happens. Of course, it soon transpires that not everyone is so happy with Erik’s latest decision…

When she enters the room it is like a whirlwind of blonde hair and harsh looks and cursing, and then Raven is standing in front of Erik and glaring up at him, her eyes not blue to match the rest of her human form but yellow, as if she needs to see Erik properly, so she can successfully express her disappointment…

“Erik, what the fuck??” Raven hisses.

It’s a reasonable enough question but Erik doesn’t even know where to start with an answer, and so he turns away from Raven’s accusing looks and simply mutters: “Leave it, Raven…”

“No, I will not ‘leave it’”, Raven growls, grasping Erik’s arm and yanking it so he is forced to face her once more. “What the fuck are you doing? Why are you leaving? What about the cure? What about _Charles_?”

“I’m leaving _for_ Charles… I’m not going to be the one who fucks up his life- it’s not fair. I never should have come here, Raven. I never should have listened to you…”

“As I recall you didn’t exactly take much convincing, Erik…”

“I know…” Erik sighs. “I know I have no one to blame but myself, but that’s why I’m leaving now, before I make things any worse. But you should stay. You can keep an eye on Charles and what happens with the mutant talks and so on. You can do what I set out to do- for the Brotherhood…”

Finally the heated look on Raven’s face begins to fade, and her grip on Erik’s arm lessens as she stares up at him.

“For the Brotherhood? You mean…?”

Erik reaches to remove Raven’s hand from his arm, squeezing it once gently before letting go.

“You’ve already more than proven yourself, and I think the Brotherhood would be lucky to have you… Mystique”.

The smile that spreads across Raven’s face is wide and sincere, and Erik can’t help the twinge of sadness he feels given how much it reminds him of Charles.

“Well don’t think this gets you off the hook”, Raven says, prodding Erik’s chest with one finger as her eyes shift back from yellow to blue. “I’m still not happy about you leaving… I don’t think you’re doing the right thing- for yourself or Charles. I know you’re only trying to help him, but you can’t always trust Charles to make the right choice because my brother is just about the dumbest smart person I have ever met… He’s selfless to a fault, which means that he’ll make himself unhappy if it means helping others, so sometimes he needs a little nudge in the right direction to help him out. Or failing that a massive kick in the rear…”

“You’re probably right, Raven- but that doesn’t change anything. You should have seen how upset Charles was this morning after we--”

Although Erik catches himself in the middle of the sentence it is too late- he can tell as soon as he sees Raven’s eyes widen dramatically.

“After you… _what_? Did something happen between you and Charles??”

It’s perhaps serendipitous or just sheer good luck that they are abruptly interrupted by Azazel materialising in the middle of the room, distracting Erik and Raven’s attention as they both turn to look at him. The rest of the conversation is one that Raven clearly still wants to have but one that she at least knows is unsuitable for discussion with Azazel present, and Erik is relieved to see her mouth clamp shut as she takes a few steps away, her arms folded across her chest.

“This isn’t over…” Raven grumbles. “We need to talk about this eventually”.

Erik answers by way of a nod, before he crosses the room to retrieve his bag before moving over to where Azazel is waiting expectantly. There is still so much that needs to be said, on both sides, but for now it seems Raven is at least content to just let Erik go, though Erik doesn’t doubt he will be hearing from her before long.

“Look after him, okay Raven?” Erik says quietly.

_Look after him if I can’t. Keep him safe. Make him happy. Let him know he is loved._

Raven nods, giving Erik one last small smile.

“Okay, Erik. I'll see you soon”.

With his eyes still focused on Raven, Erik reaches for Azazel's hand- grasping it and feeling the red mutant's cool flesh against his fingers, steadily growing warmer and warmer until suddenly there is a flash and Erik is gone- taken away from everything he knows, and everything he understands, once more.


	17. Chapter 17

 

 

The cold of winter has often seemed to Erik like the end of life; like existence frozen in place, snow covering everything lush and green and alive. Erik stands by his window and sees it, watches snowflakes fall to cover the already frozen ground, watches ice crystallise on the windowpane, touches it and feels the cold against his fingertips. But the feeling of frozen numbness remains even as Erik moves his hand away, because today is the day Erik's life ends- today is Charles’ wedding day.

It has been two weeks since Erik was last with Charles and he has not seen him since, has not heard from him even once. Though the conference was scheduled to end over a week ago there has been no word from Charles or even Raven for that matter, and even Azazel has been suspiciously avoidant. For all intents and purposes it seems like Erik has been abandoned, cast aside by whatever poor excuse for family he has left, and though the rejection hurts him Erik does not blame any of them, for it was likely only a matter of time before they realised Erik wasn’t worth knowing after all.

Perhaps it was foolish of Erik to even hope that Charles would choose him, or that Raven would stick by his side. Of course Charles chose Moira, and naturally that means that Raven would have to alter her allegiance too, because there's no way she can continue to have any kind of relationship with Erik when it would mean she is being disloyal to her own brother. In the wake of Charles’ decision Erik is completely and utterly alone, and though that is something Erik is used to he finds he doesn't like it much this time.

Though it would normally be the point when Erik would be packing his bags and leaving, disappearing halfway across the world on his next deadly mission, for some reason he remains in the same small apartment he started renting when he first came to the area. Erik tries to tell himself that it's because he's biding his time in order to decide on his next move but he knows that's not true, and that his decision is more to do with the fact that he is still somewhere he can be found- somewhere Raven has visited in the past. Of course, such circumstances do little to quell the delusion that Erik harbours most often when he lies in bed each night- that he might awaken to find Charles there with him, pressed up against Erik's back once more. The realist in Erik knows he's a fool, even though the optimist still harbours some residual hope.

Still, on the day of Charles’ wedding, hope is fading fast. Erik rises early as always, he goes for his morning run, he makes breakfast and sits at the table with a cup of coffee, and all throughout it he is counting down the seconds. Erik imagines Charles where he most likely is somewhere across town, dressed in a smart tuxedo, getting ready for the most important day of his life. He thinks of Charles standing at the front of some grand hall or possibly a church as Moira walks down the aisle. He thinks of Charles saying his vows, sealing them with a kiss, promising to love Moira for the rest of his life excusing all others. He thinks of Charles and hopes that he is happy, even if Erik feels like he is dying inside.

 

As morning turns into afternoon Erik skips lunch, finding that he has no appetite to speak of, and instead settles lounging on the sofa drinking a large glass of whiskey. Though he knows he undoubtedly presents a pretty pathetic picture he consoles himself with the knowledge that no one is there to see him- a small mercy at best- and allows himself this one moment to wallow, to allow the grief and sadness to wash over him, seeking to drown. But then there is a knock at the door and Erik is disturbed, and though he contemplates remaining where he is and ignoring the interruption something makes him stand up instead.

Erik is not prone to visitors _ever_ , so naturally he assumes the person at his door will be a salesman or perhaps some religious zealot- either way someone Erik can tell to fuck off, which will provide him with some small satisfaction at least. But then Erik walks down the steps to his front door, opens it, and his heart almost gives out with what he sees.

Charles has always been a welcome sight, but on this occasion he is even more so- very much a vision of beauty and celestial good; something that makes Erik physically stagger back to lean against the door, needing it for support. It's as cold outside as it has ever been and Charles is wrapped up against the weather in a warm coat and scarf, and though Erik can't quite see beneath he doesn't think Charles is wearing a tux, which is encouraging if not confounding.

“Um, hi Erik...” Charles says, smiling politely, his cheeks pink from the cold. “Look, I don't wish to be presumptuous but do you mind awfully if I come inside? It's bloody freezing out here...”

Words are lacking in response but Erik manages a nod, and then he is standing aside to allow Charles to enter, and trying not to stare as he watches Charles walk up the stairs...

When Erik finally gathers himself enough to close the door and trail after Charles he finds him standing upstairs, in Erik's apartment, as if it is a completely ordinary event and not one that has Erik's head spinning. For a moment Erik can only stare at Charles, knowing he should say something but not quite knowing what, because of all the things Erik expected to happen today this is not one of them- he never thought he would have Charles in his home, looking over at Erik so casually, so _warmly_ , as if he has just popped round for a friendly chat. It reminds Erik of all the occasions when he and Charles would spend time together in Erik's old apartment, when they were so happy and carefree, only those days were during the height of summer and the numbness in Erik's fingers tells him that it is winter now.

“Sorry...” Erik mumbles eventually. “Not very warm in here... I've only just lit the fire”.

“That's alright. It's still a fair bit warmer than it is outside. Although... I wouldn't object to a cup of tea, if possible, to chase off some of the chill”.

Immediately Erik feels incredibly rude for not having offered before, and he quickly moves over towards the kitchen, at the same time gesturing for Charles to take a seat at the dining table which Charles does after shrugging off his coat and removing his scarf. For a while it's completely quiet as Erik makes the tea, no sound at all but the low hum of the wireless from across the room along with muffled noise from the adjoining properties, but in a strange way it's more comfortable than awkward- as it always has been with Charles. Eventually Erik finishes making the drinks- tea for Charles and coffee for himself- and he takes a seat at the table with Charles before passing him his cup.

“Thank you”, Charles says, immediately wrapping both hands around the mug of steaming liquid. Erik waits then- for another sentence, for some explanation, for some justification of Charles’ presence, but nothing is forthcoming and instead Erik can only stare over at Charles, feeling more confused than he has been all week.

“You want to know what I'm doing here...” Charles says eventually.

Erik’s eyebrows raise in response. “You're reading my mind?”

“I don't have to. It only makes sense that you'd be wondering what I'm doing here, why I came, what I want--”

“Why you're not getting married at this very moment...” Erik interrupts.

Charles sighs, dropping his gaze to regard the cup clutched in his hand.

“Yes... That too. I suppose I should be upfront with you. I, um... I called off the wedding…”

Though Erik manages to contain his elation he can't quite contain his surprise.

“You called it off? This morning?”

“No... Two weeks ago”.

Charles’ response prompts more questions than it answers, because if that’s true- if Charles really has been single for two weeks- then why is Erik only hearing about it now? And what has Charles been doing since then?

“I know I have a lot of explaining to do...” Charles starts nervously. “That’s why I wanted to come round, rather than just calling you on the phone. I just wanted to see you... Is it alright that I'm here?”

Erik's hand trembles with the urge to reach out for Charles but he keeps it to himself, for now... Though he's desperate to touch Charles, to reach over and gently tilt Charles’ head up so Erik can look into his eyes once more, at the same time Erik knows he needs to tread carefully, because the whole situation is still so tenuous.

“Of course it's alright”, Erik replies. “I'm glad you’re here, I just... I need answers, Charles”.

“That seems fair”, Charles says, letting out a low sigh of relief. “Of course I don't know where to begin...”

“Just tell me what happened between you and Moira. Please?”

Charles inhales a deep breath, as if to steady himself, and then he lifts his head to meet Erik's eyes once more as he answers.

“You were right...”

It's not something Erik has heard very often, and though it's comforting this time it warrants further explanation.

“Right about what?”

“About... me. About Moira. About how she deserved someone who was going to love her completely, with their whole heart. I thought I could be what she needed, I thought I could make myself forget about you, but I can't, Erik- I never could. I realised as much that night I crawled into bed with you, and I knew then I couldn’t lie to myself anymore, or Moira...”

“So you told her? About what happened- about us?”

“Not exactly... I didn't want to hurt her anymore than I needed to, and filling her in on the nature of our involvement would only have been cruel. We just... talked, really. About our relationship. About what we both wanted. It was awful, in all honesty- the worst thing I have ever had to do. I never wanted to break her heart but she deserved better than me, and that’s why I had to let her go”.

It's clear that Charles is still hurting- it is evident in the sad, faraway look in his eyes- and Erik realises then why it took so long for Charles to come to him. It takes a great deal of time to get over the end of a long-term relationship, even if the demise of such was at your own hands, and consequently Erik understands Charles' need for space, just like he understands that Charles may still not be completely ready now. Though Erik needs Charles desperately, though he wants nothing more than to lean across the table towards him, to kiss him slowly and passionately, to take his hand and lead him into the bedroom, Erik knows he will not. Just like the promise Erik made not to kiss Charles unless he asked for it Erik will abstain, and allow Charles to come to him- if that’s what he desires.

“I'm sorry, Charles”, Erik says softly, knowing that he did not force this into happening but that it is his fault nonetheless.

In response Charles only shrugs, his fingers tapping out a rhythm against the cup he is holding.

“Like I said, you were right... It would have been unkind for me to stay with her when it wasn't really what I wanted. And besides, there's no way I could have continued to deceive her- she could tell that something was wrong anyway, particularly after what happened with the conferences...”

“Oh? What happened exactly?”

Charles fixes Erik with a wry look. “To be honest, I'm a little surprised you don't already know... I realise you left the hotel when you said you were going to, but I never thought you would actually stay away- that you wouldn’t be tempted to check up on me, on what was happening, particularly when you consider how important the issue is to you”.

“Charles, you’re killing me here... What happened with the conferences?”

“Well, essentially... I cancelled them”.

Erik can't help but stare at Charles in complete surprise, unable to comprehend the reality of what Charles is saying.

“We still went ahead with the talks...” Charles explains. “The only difference is that everything we talked about was very... hypothetical. What _if_ we had identified a mutant gene, what _if_ certain genetic traits were precursor to unbelievable abilities the likes of which the world has never seen before, what _if_ we were able to isolate specific genomes and use the extrapolation of such to create a serum that renders said abilities as null and void. Complete conjecture, of course- something to be theorised now and realised later. Of course, with so much theory and very little evidence it's unsurprising that the investors grew more than a little restless, and less keen to work with us...”

“So you torpedoed your own seminar?”

“I suppose, in a manner of speaking. I know it's not what you were expecting to hear... But I couldn't stop thinking about what you said- about how I might be harming mutants by exposing their existence, and the last thing I wanted was to hurt them, or to disappoint you...”.

“Charles, you could never--”

“It's fine, Erik”, Charles interrupts, shaking his head. “I realise now that I acted rashly. I still think the school is a good idea, and maybe the cure too, but perhaps I need to do things differently- maybe I need to continue studying first, get my PhD, ensure I have a wealth of experience behind myself before I go running around trying to coach other mutants”.

“That sounds like a good idea, Charles- but I wouldn't go counting yourself out when it comes to helping others. Maybe before you open your school you should start slow, with just one mutant- someone like me...”

“You?” Charles asks, his eyebrows raising in surprise.

“Yes, Charles. You've already helped me in more ways that you can possibly know- not just with my mutation but in general. You have a unique ability to bring out the best in everyone around you, to recognise their true potential and help them to live up to it, and I don't doubt the number of wonderful things you could achieve if only you put your mind to it. What you did for me that day, on the bridge... It was a kindness I never asked for and one I know I didn't deserve, and it made me stronger- just like you always said it would. I only wish I had been more willing to listen to you sooner. I realise now that there's so much more I could accomplish when it comes to my powers, but equally I know I will need you by my side if I am to achieve anything. In truth... I've always needed you, Charles”.

Disclosures of the heart have never come very easily to Erik, and as such he's unsurprised to realise that he is not meeting Charles’ gaze anymore; no longer able to look him in the eye, lest Erik see anything there in Charles' expression that suggests pity or contempt directed towards Erik for deigning to ask him for assistance. Erik can't quite remember the point in his life when things changed, when help was no longer something given out willingly by a loving parent but something to be begged for, on bended knees and broken bones. Arguably the change came with Shaw, as did most things, and Erik only wishes there was a single moment in his life he was capable of having for himself, without the spectre of Shaw corrupting everything like some evil, dark stain. But as Erik stares down at his hands where they are resting on the table he begins to perceive it- the soft, glowing light that slowly clouds his senses, not obscuring his vision but just reforming it, so that the memory of Shaw is pushed away- like some mythical ogre that has no place in the bright light of day.

Erik lifts his head to find Charles watching him, a look of concentration on his face as he sits there smiling softly, his hands still wrapped around his cup of tea. The flickering glimmer still remains in Erik's periphery, a glowing warmth that soothes Erik and comforts him, and as it begins to fade Erik already finds that he has grown to covet it- as he always does in response to any part of Charles he is given.

“He isn't always with you, you know...” Charles says softly. “So much of who you are belongs to you alone”.

Though the name isn't mentioned they both know who Charles is referring to- it is always clear in moments like this. Erik has never specifically discussed Shaw with Charles, not even during the latter weeks of their initial summer when the time for secrets was over, and though it is partially because Erik does not want to relive past traumas he knows there is another reason. Everything Erik has ever had with Charles has always been so pure, so perfect, so free of corruption and ill-intention, and to utter Shaw's name in Charles’ presence would be like exposing the simplicity of what they have to something dark and sinister. More than anything Erik wants to protect Charles, even if that means that Charles has to be protected from Erik himself, but it is clear now more than ever that there are certain things that cannot be concealed, and that no amount of shelter can keep Charles safe from who Erik really is.

Charles reaches over to take Erik's hand across the table, squeezing gently as Erik feels the emotion within him well up, take the form of an evident tremble that Erik cannot hope to mask. Though the name still remains unsaid it is clear that Charles knows anyway, that he has always known, but most of all that he _understands_. Childhood stories have always told Erik that monsters do not deserve love, or kindness, or compassion, or even forgiveness. But it is clear that with Charles all things are granted- given to Erik willingly, without question, and without any expectation of anything in return.

“This is what I mean, Charles...” Erik replies quietly. “You do so much for me, and I need it so badly... I know I shouldn’t really ask you for anything. I know I don't deserve it--"

“It's okay, Erik”, Charles says, cutting Erik off. “Whatever you need. Just tell me”.

Charles makes it sound so easy- as if Erik only has to utter the words: _“Stay with me, teach me, heal me, love me...”_ and Charles will agree. As if it is that easy to say it in the first place. There are so many things Erik wants, so many things he needs- the least of which is to feel Charles fully inside his mind again; to perceive the warmth and comfort of Charles’ telepathy once more. Not for the first time Erik wishes he could go back, that Charles could be nineteen again and Erik could start over, do things _right_ this time. But they both know it is much too late for that, and there is no point dwelling on things that cannot be changed. Instead, the only way is forward.

“Stay for dinner”, Erik says suddenly. “I can make spaghetti bolognese. That was always your favourite, right?”

The response clearly isn’t what Charles was expecting, and Erik watches as a multitude of reactions pass over Charles’ face- everything from surprise to confusion to delight. In the end though Charles nods, smiling at Erik fondly, and Erik allows that same gorgeous smile he has loved for years to warm him, and tries not to think of the moment when the cold might set in once more.

 

That day Charles stays for dinner.

Ultimately, he stays a lot longer than that.

It happens without discussing it, almost without even thinking about it, as if it is so natural and so comfortable for Charles to make himself at home that neither of them think to question it. Erik has always known that Charles is a terrible cook- he can recall numerous occasions in his old apartment when Charles offered to make dinner and the most he would be able to concoct was an offering of beans on toast, albeit a rather burnt one at that... Consequently Erik does not expect much help when it comes to preparing their evening meal but Charles is only too eager to assist- making himself useful by chopping up vegetables and stirring pots, though Erik tries to keep him away from the actual cooking as much as possible. It's wonderful to have Charles there, in spite of his ineffectuality around the kitchen, because the mere presence of Charles is like sunlight brightening everything he touches, and it reminds Erik so much of how they used to be, and how they might be once more.

Once the food has been prepared they sit at the dining table together, engaging in amiable conversation as they eat- staying on relatively neutral topics that are unlikely to cause further complications, for perhaps obvious reasons. Still, it's nice to be able to speak to Charles so casually again, as if they are old acquaintances just reunited, and it's particularly rewarding for Erik to be able to gain intel into certain matters that have been confounding him recently- such as where a certain blue mutant has been for the last two weeks, for example...

The explanation for Raven’s whereabouts is mostly as Erik expected- that she was asked to stay away by Charles whilst he was still getting his head together- but there’s another side to the story that Erik didn't completely see coming. Perhaps the precursor to the event is one that Erik should have predicted, given the suggestion of such was there all along, but Erik is still a little surprised to hear that Raven is currently somewhere on the other side of the hemisphere, transported there by none other than Erik's right-hand-man Azazel. Charles doesn't seem entirely supportive of the situation as he tells Erik about how Raven and Azazel left the hotel together after the conferences floundered, and it is clear that there is a certain amount of brotherly concern that Charles is harbouring. But nevertheless he seems content enough to share with Erik stories of what Raven has been up to, described by Raven herself on the occasions when she and Azazel have briefly popped in for a visit.

After dinner comes chess- the advent of which something that is suggested by neither of them, but somehow it's like it doesn’t need saying anyway. It’s so easy for Charles and Erik to fall back into their old familiar routine, for Erik to sit across from Charles at gaze at him, heart clenching every time Charles smiles or laughs or does _anything_ really. All aspects of Charles are something to be admired, something to be cherished and coveted, and Erik can't help but bask in his presence, hoping that the way he feels is not something he is experiencing alone. Though the day has already shown so much promise, certainly more than Erik ever thought to expect it would, there is still a great deal of uncertainty when it comes to Charles and his reasons for being there. But asking would mean opening up a line of questioning that Erik is reluctant to embark upon, lest the answers prove unfavourable, and so he keeps his mouth shut for the most part, and focuses on completely thrashing Charles at chess...

At least that is the intention, but after ten games Erik is feeling rather sore to consider how many matches he has lost, though he tries to pretend he's not keeping count. Part of Erik (the prideful part) wants to continue playing into the night so he can secure his victory, but after Charles shifts uncomfortably in his seat for perhaps the third time Erik suggests they move over to the sofa instead, and settle down in front of the television for a short while. It's as much a way for Erik to get close to Charles as it is anything else, and though to begin with they remain rather coy with each other by sitting a tasteful distance apart, as the evening wears on and the dark spell of dusk sets in they unconsciously move closer together, as if they were foolish to try to stay apart in the first place.

The serenity of night casts shadows across the room but Erik sees through it, sees the form of Charles sitting beside himself, Charles' head just dipping down to rest against Erik's shoulder. Charles’ face is dimly illuminated by the glow from the television, allowing Erik to regard the light brown freckles that cover Charles’ skin and the soft red hue of his lips. Charles’ eyes are closed, the line of his lashes dark against his cheek, and it reminds Erik of all the nights he awoke to a similar sight- beauty in repose, lying beside himself so peaceful and so still. Erik knows he would stay there forever, make himself a statue for Charles- something strong and supportive that does not waver, that will be there for all time, if only Charles would just ask for it. But for now Erik is content to let Charles sleep, to let him rest his weary head, so that the spell remains unbroken. Of course, like all good things, it cannot last forever.

Charles awakens with a bleary, mumbled “Buh...”, lolling forward in his seat as Erik reaches out to catch him, his hand pressing firmly against Charles’ chest and keeping him from falling. It's clear that Charles is feeling rather drowsy, his eyes blinking back sleep as he tilts his head to look up at Erik, and Erik can't help but smile at him fondly, his thumb just creeping under the edge of Charles’ shirt and rubbing against his collarbone.

“Feeling sleepy, are we?” Erik murmurs.

Charles nods, his hair falling in his eyes as Erik reaches up to push it back.

“Mm... It's getting rather late, isn’t it? I should go...”

The idea prompts panic, and Erik blurts out: “No” before he has even thought too much about it.

“Huh?”

“Just... no”, Erik says, hoping he is not overstepping his bounds. “It's... too cold outside. You should stay here for the night”.

After Erik has finished speaking he looks over to the window, seeing a somewhat fortuitously bleak scene outside as snow continues to fall down in frantic flurries. It lends weight to Erik's theory that Charles should stay, at least until the worst of the blizzard has passed, and Erik can only hope that Charles decides to take heed and listen, because he doesn't know how he’ll cope if he has to watch Charles leave.

“Are you sure?” Charles asks quietly. “I wouldn’t want to impose...”

“Don't be silly, Charles. You’re welcome to stay for as long as you'd like”.

Charles continues to stare at Erik for a long moment, as if he is deep in thought, and then finally- mercifully- he nods his agreement, and Erik is overjoyed to say the least.

 

Given Charles was clearly not expecting any kind of sleepover he is understandably unprepared to stay the night- not that Erik minds one bit... In truth Erik is more than happy to stand in his bedroom with Charles, picking out items of his own clothing for Charles to wear- sweatpants and oversized jumpers that Erik knows will swamp Charles, and make him look even cuter than he normally does. Erik makes Charles a hot drink before bed, something he still remembers is part of Charles' bedtime routine, and all the time he is preparing it Erik finds he has to fight to keep from allowing himself to slip into wanton daydreams- thinking of Charles in the other room, safe and warm in Erik's bed.

Of course the reality of the situation is so wonderful and so perfect that the second Erik walks into the bedroom he stops still at the scene before him, captivated by the sight of Charles curled up beneath the covers, his expression warm and relaxed as he gazes over at Erik. Outside the snow is still falling, white whirlwinds passing by the window as forceful gusts redistribute errant flakes, and it only makes the space inside seem even more cosy and comforting, particularly when Charles is the focal point of the room. Eventually Erik gathers himself enough to walk over to the bed, to pass the drink to Charles and shiver as Charles’ fingers brush against Erik's own as he takes the cup. It's still slightly unfathomable for Erik to realise that Charles is in his bed, particularly as Charles attempted to politely refuse at first- offering to sleep on the sofa until Erik pointed out that he had no spare blanket, so Charles would likely wake up shivering halfway through the night. Erik tells himself that it's definitely better this way, even if there's a small part of himself that worries Charles might happen upon the spare duvet in the airing cupboard before long...

Still, such concerns couldn’t be further from Erik's mind as he settles down beside Charles in bed, later watching as the last dregs of Charles’ cup of tea downed before he discards his mug and begins to settle, snuggling under the covers. Erik has little idea of what to expect from the sleeping arrangements, and though he would love to assume that Charles might immediately move closer and wrap his arms around Erik like he always used to, Erik knows he is probably hoping for too much. Therefore it comes as little surprise when Charles draws the bedsheets tight around himself and turns over, so he is facing the window rather than Erik, and though it is somewhat disappointing Erik understands completely, and accepts that the best thing for him to do is just to try and get some sleep.

The wind howling outside provides steady background noise as Erik lies there and stares over at Charles' prone form, aching with the desire to move nearer, to wrap his arms around Charles’ body, to pull him close so that Erik can press his mouth to the sensitive spot just behind Charles’ ear and kiss him softly, hoping to hear him moan. Already Erik’s cock is half-hard just at the thought of it alone but he's determined to abstain, to keep himself from pushing for too much too soon, to give Charles time. There must be so much Charles is still thinking about- all the ramifications of the breakup with Moira and the breakdown of the conferences- and the last thing Erik wants is to be insensitive to Charles' feelings. But then it becomes clear that Charles is thinking about more than the heavy subject matter already weighing on his shoulders, and that there is more that has happened recently to affect Charles than Erik is already aware of.

As Charles lies there he inhales one deep, shuddering breath, and then he says it- the words Erik has both wanted and feared for the past four years.

“Raven told me what you did for her...”

In an instant Erik is back there, in the labs beneath the Xavier mansion with Raven, seeing her bound to a table with wires sticking in her arms, feeling an incredible sense of grief and vitriolic rage burn through him as he realises how she has been manipulated and abused by someone who is supposed to protect her. Saving her was never a choice but a necessity, but even before he did it Erik knew that true rescue could only come in the form of killing Kurt- ridding the Xavier family of his poison once and for all. Erik did it for Raven, for Charles, and for the part of himself that still remembered what it was like to be so young and so vulnerable, and though he wished there was another way Erik knew all along that it was the only option. But it was the next part Erik struggled with most of all- keeping it from Charles, allowing him to believe that Erik's actions were motivated by selfish vengeance more than anything else; a deception that allowed him to keep Raven's secret and protect Charles from the truth.

In the years since that day Erik has often wondered why Charles never sought out the truth, why he never extracted the information from Raven's mind, but in many ways Erik already knows the answer. Charles made a promise to Raven long ago to stay out of her head, and with no way of perceiving Raven's thoughts there was surely nothing to make Charles suspect her of being involved in what happened. If the truth has come out now it can only be because Raven decided to speak up at last, and whether that will prove to be a beneficial decision or not still remains to be seen.

As Erik gazes over at where Charles is still lying turned away he realises that neither of them has said anything for quite a while. More than ever Erik wishes he could see Charles’ face, but then Charles speaks again and Erik realises he doesn't need to see him- everything Charles is feeling is evident in pained tone of his voice.

“Raven told me everything- what Kurt did... How you saved her... Why didn't you tell me?”

The answer is perhaps obvious, but it sounds so pathetic when uttered aloud.

“I didn't want to hurt you...”

Charles emits a small chuckle that has little humour in it.

“So you lied to me? You let me believe you murdered my stepfather out of some selfish need for revenge?”

“I thought I was protecting you... You tried so hard to keep Raven safe for so many years, and I just didn’t want you to know the awful truth. I thought it would be easier to let you hate me--”

The small sob Erik hears almost breaks his heart, as does the look on Charles’ face when he abruptly rolls over- turning towards Erik at last. The moonlight reflecting off the snow outside allows Erik to see Charles clearly, to register the look of quiet devastation on Charles’ face made all the more evident by the tears in his eyes, and Erik has never wanted to hold him more.

“Erik... I could _never_ hate you...”

“But... But everything I did. The way I kept things from you, not to mention all the things I did before I even met you--”

“It doesn't matter. Don't you get it, Erik? I've always known who you are and I've always loved--”

Charles abruptly cuts off, the rest of the sentence left unsaid, and though Erik wants to reach out to grasp the words, to coax them from Charles’ lips once more, he's sure he doesn't deserve them yet. Instead Erik allows himself to move slightly closer, to gently stroke his fingers through Charles’ hair, to watch as Charles’ eyes close in reverence, like he is trying to absorb the feeling. It would be easy then to kiss Charles, to hold him like Erik wants to so desperately, but instead Erik remains where he is- determined to allow Charles to come to him, as always.

It takes time, more than Erik would like, but good things are always worth waiting for. For a while Erik remains there, fingers entwined in Charles’ hair, captivated by the very sight of him- all things good and pure. Minutes pass and Charles doesn't say anything, doesn't move, and Erik would be sure he's asleep were he not already so attuned to how Charles looks in his sleeping state. But then Charles shifts, takes Erik's hand and removes it from his hair, lays Erik's arm at his side and leans against it, his face pressed against Erik's bicep. Charles holds Erik's hand between both his own as he lies there, clinging onto Erik's arm like he is allowing himself only this small part of Erik to sustain him, and it's not quite everything Erik needs but it's more than he expected. Because Erik would give anything for nights like this, to be with Charles in a manner of such sweet simplicity, even if all he can do is hold on in reverence, and hope that Charles will still be there when the morning comes...


	18. Chapter 18

 

 

Though Erik does not expect it, and though he certainly cannot explain it, Charles stays for a whole week.

It becomes a kind of unspoken agreement between them- a series of mutually acceptable excuses that prevent Charles from leaving and keep him at Erik’s side each day, close but not quite close enough. Naturally the weather provides the best rationalisation for their actions. On the morning after Charles first arrived the scene outside is still bleak and positively arctic; harsh winds and heavy snowfall causing large drifts of snow to cover roads and obscure pathways, and as Erik sits with Charles at breakfast he suggests that maybe Charles should hang around for a bit- just until the worst of the weather passes. Charles agrees, Erik’s heart soars, and as day turns into afternoon breakfast turns into lunch and then dinner, and by that point it is so dark outside it makes little sense for Charles to leave anyway.

For the next several days Charles remains in Erik’s home, and though Erik wishes he knew how long the bliss is going to last he can’t bear to vocalise the question, lest he do anything to break the spell that has Charles so firmly in his life once more. Instead Erik says nothing, and allows himself to just bask in the beauty of Charles’ presence as they play chess and watch television and engage in amiable conversation. It’s remarkable how comfortable the whole thing is, the atmosphere seeming rather like they have never been apart, and it is so easy for Erik to remember the way things were with Charles all those years before because it is very much the same situation now. Inside the walls of Erik's apartment there are no prying eyes or societal expectations to constrain them, and Erik knows he would be content to be like this always, as long as he has Charles.

Given Charles clearly did not intend to stay over he has no additional clothing to wear, but Erik is more than happy to help Charles out in that regard. Consequently Erik becomes accustomed to seeing Charles pottering around the apartment dressed in the loose trousers Erik usually goes running in paired with a large jumper or sometimes just a long-sleeved shirt, his appearance so adorable Erik finds it hard not to stare. More than once Erik finds he lingers in doorways, peering in without crossing over, gazing at the sight of Charles lying sprawled across the floor on his stomach as he reads through one of the many books he has liberated from Erik's bookshelf. Charles chews on pens as he reads, he always has, and as Erik stares at him he imagines Charles in a similar position, his clothing gratefully removed and his mouth occupied in other more carnal ways. Sometimes such thoughts are so loud and so intrusive that Erik is sure Charles must be able to pick up on them, but if he does he never says anything, and perhaps that is a small mercy if nothing else.

Over the course of the week such ideas are dwelled on but never acted upon, even when there are moments that seem optimistic verging on hopeful. Charles has always been a very tactile person and Erik is delighted to realise that this too has not changed, because Charles' touch is something Erik can't help but covet. Where once Erik shied away from Charles’ outstretched hand he now seeks it actively, responding favourably any time Charles squeezes Erik’s arm as they talk or leans against Erik as they stand side-by-side at the kitchen counter preparing various meals. Plus there is one occasion that Erik regards most highly of all- when he awakens early and stands for a short while in the living room, gazing out the window as he waits for the kettle to boil so he can make Charles his morning cup of tea. Charles enters looking adorable and sleep rumpled and without pausing he wanders over to Erik before wrapping his arms around Erik from behind, making Erik's heart shudder within his chest as momentarily he forgets how to breathe. The embrace is sweet and simple and perfect, and when Charles loosens his hold and Erik turns around to regard him he lingers for a moment, gazing at Charles’ beautiful face brightened by the sunlight coming in through the window. If there was ever a moment to kiss Charles Erik knows this is it, but he told Charles he wouldn't, he told Charles he would be patient, and if nothing else Erik is determined to keep his word.

Consequently Erik keeps his hands to himself, or at least he does for as often as he is conscious... Every night Erik and Charles sleep in the same bed, and though to begin with their sleeping arrangements continue to be entirely above-board the tasteful distance is difficult to maintain once the night draws in. It’s almost involuntary the way they move together, the way their bodies slowly entwine as the sky darkens and stars slowly spark into life. Erik has always slept so that he is facing whatever is the nearest door and in this situation it means he sleeps turned away from Charles, and every morning he awakens to find Charles snug against his back, his arm draped over Erik's waist. But what's remarkable is that Erik no longer wakes each time Charles embraces him, as he always used to- almost like his unconscious mind has finally decided that Charles is not a threat to be feared.

Such trust in Charles is mirrored in their waking hours, when Erik sits with Charles and they discuss Charles’ ill-fated ‘mutant cure', and what to do with it. To begin with Erik almost unwittingly assumed that Charles would be done with it, that he would have realised that it represents a solution to a problem that does not exist in the first place. However in truth Erik should have known that Charles is not one to just give up, and though to begin with Erik still harbours some doubts as to the practicalities of what Charles has created, he knows it is important to hear him out.

And so Erik sits with Charles, and together they work on a plan that they both agree will ultimately be beneficial to mutants everywhere. It changes in nature from an apparent cure to an attempt at control- a proposed programme that will support young, inexperienced mutants as they adapt to the advent of their new powers- and though it is clear they have a long way to go it's reassuring to at least be able to discuss the matter with Charles. In the past it has often seemed like Erik and Charles stand on two completely different ends of the same spectrum- socially, politically, and otherwise- and it is reassuring to know that they are able to find areas in which they both agree, particularly if the coalition might enable them to work towards a better future, together.

In truth, everything that happens over the week Charles spends with Erik seems so much like hope for the future, and even though there is still so much uncertainty in some ways it doesn't matter. In spite of everything Erik cannot be sure of there are still some things he can rely on, such as the knowledge that when he leaves for the first time to go on a brief supply run Charles will be there when he returns. Even before Erik re-enters the apartment he knows that Charles will be waiting, most likely sitting cross-legged on the sofa as he devours yet another book, or busying himself in the kitchen as he makes perhaps his third cup of tea of that morning even though the day has just begun. Of course when Erik reaches the top of the stairs and steps into the living room and finds the space empty there is the barest hint of panic that runs through him, but then he hears Charles call his name from the rear of the apartment and he is reassured.

Erik takes a moment to deposit the shopping bags on the kitchen counter before he heads off in search of Charles, most likely expecting to find him in the bedroom still cosy beneath the covers and waiting for Erik to light the fire, but to Erik's surprise Charles isn't there. Charles calls Erik's name again and it is at that point Erik realises he is in the bathroom, though why he would be calling Erik from there Erik cannot think to imagine. For a moment Erik pauses, lingering outside the door as he debates entering, unable to decide whether such a thing would be an invasion of privacy or not. But when Charles calls Erik's name for the third time, adding what sounds like an impatient “For heaven's sake!” afterwards, Erik throws caution aside and opens the door.

The sight inside immediately makes Erik freeze in place, because even though the door is just barely open Erik can already see that the bathtub is full, and he immediately recognises the shape of Charles' legs just hidden beneath the water. It's with some hesitation that Erik allows the door to open further, exposing more and more of the bath and Charles within, until the point when Erik can finally see Charles where he is sitting at one end of the tub, the murky water reaching up to his chest. Just the visage of a naked, wet Charles is enough to have Erik's mouth drying in an instant, a tremor of nerves running through him as he regards the gorgeous sight. But then Erik sees the contemplative look on Charles' face, realises that his shoulders are hunched making his posture seem very slight and vulnerable, and finally Erik notices that Charles is gazing determinedly at one thing only- two small metal chess pieces which are positioned just on the rim of the bath.

As Erik stares at them he feels his stomach lurch in response, not in fear or panic but just with reactive uncertainty, because he has no way of knowing what Charles is thinking. The chess pieces form part of the set Charles made for Erik just days before he left Westchester, and for all Erik knows the sight of such is one that prompts painful memories for Charles- bitter recollection of everything that happened back then and everything Erik did. It's for that reason why Erik never thought to show them to Charles, lest he spark off something unpleasant, and though Erik has carried the pieces with him every day since then he has long since assumed that they would remain known to him alone. But Charles has seen them now, Charles apparently can't stop staring at them, and Erik's mind is overrun with possibilities as to what that might mean.

“Why do you still have these...?” Charles asks quietly.

“Well... Because they were in my pocket on the night I-- When I--” Saying out loud what Erik did seems like a painful prospect, so in the end Erik just finishes by adding: “I had them with me when I left the mansion”.

“That's not what I asked you. Why do you still have them _now_?”

Erik's hand grips the door uncomfortably hard as he answers: “Because... Because I kept them. Because I liked having them with me, as a reminder of... of you, Charles”.

Charles turns to look at Erik then, and though Erik would have hoped that he has given the right answers it appears that Charles only has more questions.

“Why haven't you asked me to leave?”

“What??” Erik asks, unable to conceal his confusion.

“Why haven't you asked me to leave?” Charles repeats, his expression oddly challenging. “It's been over a week now and I'm still here. I have no clothes and no money and nothing to contribute and yet you haven't asked me to go. You haven't even _asked_ me what I’m still doing here”.

“Maybe I don't want you to go...”

“But why not? What good am I serving?”

“More than you know...”

Charles sighs harshly and turns away, and Erik has never seen him so frustrated, nor been more clueless as to why... It seems like Charles is very angry at something, like in the time between Erik leaving to get groceries and returning Charles’ mood has shifted, and Erik cannot understand what has changed other than it clearly has something to do with the chess pieces.

“Where did you find those?” Erik asks eventually when it becomes clear that Charles isn't going to explain himself any time soon.

“In your jacket pocket. I was tidying up- I wanted to make myself useful whilst I'm here so I picked up your jacket to hang it and one of the pieces fell out. It took me by complete surprise when I saw it. I thought you'd abandoned everything when you went away that night, I thought nothing you left behind meant anything to you anymore...”

The pain in Charles’ voice is only too obvious, mirrored by the look on his face as he stares down at the bath water, and Erik wonders how many more times he will be reminded of what mistakes he made in the past, and how badly he has hurt the only person he has ever loved.

“That's not true, Charles... Those things still mean something to me. _You_ mean so much to me...”

“Hmph... Actions speak louder than words, Erik- and you're practically a mute. Why you haven't tried to kiss me? Why haven't you tried _anything_?”

“Because I told you I wouldn’t, of course... When you were with Moira I knew it would be wrong to try to push you into anything, and after... Well, after I just wanted to make sure I gave you enough space, so you had time to clear your head and be sure of what you wanted”.

“Who said I wanted space? Is it what you want? Isn't it killing you to be like this- to have me in your life, in your bed, but not act on it? Isn’t it frustrating for you?”

It is, of course. All the nights Erik has lay there with Charles by his side, listening to the gentle sound of Charles’ breathing as he sleeps, have been near-enough torturous. More than once Erik has had to try to calm his thoughts so as to will away his aching erection, not even trusting himself to slip inside the bathroom to release his pleasure for fear of Charles overhearing. Every day has been agony, but at the same time Erik knows he will suffer it to have Charles in his life. Erik will wait as long as necessary if it means he can see Charles every day, even if ultimately Charles decides he never wants to have that kind of relationship with Erik ever again.

“I just want to be with you, Charles...” Erik says eventually. “If you're not ready for... for anything more intimate than what we have now, I understand. I'm not going to put pressure on you. Just having you here is enough, I don't need anything else”.

The words are hard to utter but Erik says them, because he knows it is important for Charles to be aware of the depth of his conviction. Sex is a wonderful, incredibly fulfilling thing- particularly sex with _Charles_ \- but on this occasion it is secondary to just having Charles there every day, by Erik's side, because Erik knows he simply needs Charles in his life, no matter what form that comes in.

In the wake of his words Erik expects or perhaps hopes to see an easing of Charles’ indifference, a softening of his expression that suggests hope of some kind of resolution, but worryingly there is almost the opposite effect. With one last disgruntled look Erik’s way Charles abruptly sinks down under the bath water, his head disappearing beneath the murky depths, and though Erik doesn't think Charles is quite annoyed enough to drown himself it is clear he needs some space to process his feelings.

“I'm sorry, Charles...” Erik murmurs- words he has uttered more than once but that never seem to have the desired effect. There is no response from where Charles is lying submerged in the water, and Erik concludes that he can no longer hear.

Erik turns and begins to leave the bathroom, heart aching with sorrow as he contemplates the fact that he may have just lost everything he ever cared about, though he probably shouldn't have hoped to hold onto it for long. Charles remains hidden under the water and for a moment Erik pauses, standing by the doorway, his hand gripping the frame tightly before he inclines his head towards Charles and says, more to himself than Charles: “I _do_ love you... I only wish I was good enough for you”.

Without uttering another word Erik steps from the bathroom into the adjoining bedroom, deciding not to dwell on the matter any longer. In a short while Erik is sure Charles will be coming out dressed in his own clothes once more, ready to leave Erik's home and perhaps his life for the foreseeable future, and though Erik wishes he could change things he knows he cannot, and as such he decides the only thing to do is to just try not to embarrass himself by making a scene. However, Charles’ exit happens sooner than Erik would have thought. Erik has barely just entered the bedroom when there is the noise of water seemingly spilling out of the bath followed by the soft sound of Charles' feet padding against the tile floor, and as tile gives way to wooden floorboards Erik is prompted into turning to turn to face Charles, and immediately his mouth begins to gape in response to what he sees.

In front of Erik Charles is standing there completely naked, skin still wet from the bath water, damp strands of his hair falling across his forehead. It has been years since Erik last saw Charles completely nude but he still remembers what he always looked like, and consequently knows that Charles now looks better than ever. He was always the most beautiful thing Erik has ever seen, all soft skin adorned with a gorgeous array of freckles, but where his body was once slight and slender he is now nicely muscled- his chest and shoulders broader than Erik can remember, leading down to a flat belly which Erik aches to press his mouth to. But Erik does not allow his gaze to travel any further than that, though he would desperately like to, because Charles is staring at him with such a look of astonishment on his face and Erik knows he needs to figure out what it means.

Charles gazes at Erik openly and unashamedly, his wide blue eyes telling Erik something that he's not sure he wants to know- that Charles most likely heard what Erik said before he left the room- and that much is confirmed when Charles takes a step closer, his voice soft and awed as he whispers: “Say that again...”

“What?” Erik replies. “Charles, you need to put some clothes on- you're going to catch a cold”.

Erik turns around, intending to move away to fetch a blanket that he can wrap around Charles’ naked body to keep him warm, but immediately Charles reaches out to grasp Erik's arm, keeping him in place.

“Say. That. Again”.

As Erik gazes down at Charles he realises that he has never seen Charles looking so vulnerable- not during all the occasions when they were intimate in the past, not on the night Erik left Charles, and not in any moment since. It's like Charles is on some great precipice mere moments away from falling and only Erik's actions can save him, if only Erik had the courage to speak. Disclosures of the heart don't come easily to someone who has tried more than once to bury any part of himself that is loving and capable of sentiment, and for a while Erik only falters, hands trembling as he succumbs to the kind of inaction that could easily prove dangerous. But then Erik feels Charles squeeze his arm, as if in some subtle attempt to convey his need, and finally Erik realises that some things are worth the leap of faith they require.

“Charles, I... I love you...”

It's easier than Erik would have thought, the clarity of the disclosure almost making it feel like some great weight has been lifted, and Erik can't help but think how much simpler his life would have been if only he had spoken sooner. Perhaps Erik can at least console himself with the assumption that it's a case of ‘better late than never', or at least he expects to see the evidence of such made manifest in Charles’ expression, but to Erik's dismay and abject horror Charles’ face immediately crumples, his eyes sliding shut and his mouth beginning to tremble as Erik stares at him.

“Charles...” Erik murmurs helplessly.

The tremor begins to spread to Charles’ limbs as he lets out a sad kind of sob, his eyes steadily growing watery as he sniffles and lifts one hand to wipe at his face. All Erik wants is to hold him, now more than ever- wants to do anything at all to fill the chasm slowly gaping open within his own chest that makes it feel as if his heart has been stolen completely. As it is Erik settles for finally retrieving a blanket and draping it over Charles’ shoulders, hoping to comfort him in this way if nothing else, but as Erik draws the covering across the front of Charles’ chest relief courses through him as Charles finally looks up, and for the first time Erik sees the smile on his face.

“Why didn't you ever _tell_ me?” Charles asks.

The answer is perhaps obvious, though Erik feels a bit dumb saying it.

“I thought you already knew...”

Charles immediately smacks his hand against Erik's chest, prompting Erik to laugh softly in surprise as he continues to try and cover Charles with the blanket.

“I knew...” Charles says. “But it doesn’t mean I didn't need to hear you say it. It doesn’t mean I didn't deserve it...”

“I know... I know, Liebling. I'm so sorry. I promise you I'll do whatever I can to make it up to you- you have my word”. Erik leans down, nudging his forehead against Charles’ as he adds: “I don't want to keep anything from you anymore, Charles... I want you to know you’re welcome inside my mind always. I want to _feel_ you there, so you can know my heart even when I'm afraid to show it to you”.

Since Charles showed up at Erik's apartment Erik is sure he's been able to perceive some part of Charles' telepathy, like soft light just in his periphery- something present but unimposing, as if Charles has been testing his limits all along. But immediately in response to Erik's words he feels it fully- the pure serenity of Charles entering his mind completely- and for the first time in the past few weeks Erik truly knows how Charles feels, he can sense the joy, the relief, but most of all the same feeling of hopeless devotion that Erik knows he himself is lost to.

“You're cold...” Erik murmurs, winding his arms around Charles’ waist. “You should let me warm you up. Come to bed?”

Charles nods, smiling up at Erik happily.

“I thought you were never going to ask...”

Erik can't remember when he started holding Charles’ hand but he finds he is unable to let go of it as he gently pulls Charles towards the bed- Charles leaning against Erik as they walk. It’s cold in the room courtesy of the bitter weather and the fact that the fire still hasn't been lit, and consequently Erik is only too happy to slip beneath the covers with Charles, eagerly edging closer to the warmth of Charles’ body as Charles reciprocates. Still, there is a tasteful amount of distance between them at first, until Charles begins to noticeably shiver and Erik reaches out to hold his face.

“Still cold?”

Charles nods, his teeth chattering slightly.

“Well I am naked, you know...”

“And whose fault is that?”

“Oh, so you'd prefer me to put some clothes on, I suppose?”

Erik starts to grin, shaking his head emphatically.

“No, Liebling. If I have it my way you'll never wear clothes again- you'll be completely naked at all times, and never leave my bed...”

Charles’ hair is still damp as Erik runs his fingers through it, pushing the wet strands back from Charles’ forehead as he leans over to press his mouth there. At least, that is Erik's intention, but as soon as Erik moves closer he's completely taken aback as Charles abruptly dives beneath the covers, seizing hold of the sweatshirt Erik is wearing lifting it up so he can duck his head underneath.

“Charles!”

“I'm coldddd!” Charles whines, his voice muffled by the blankets as he continues to make an attempt to crawl under Erik's clothing. “Let me share your jumper. It's not fair that you get to wear clothes if I can't”.

Erik can't help but laugh at the feeling of Charles’ face nudging against his stomach over his t-shirt, though arousal shares an equal place with amusement as Erik contemplates the fact that he has a naked Charles in his bed once more- something he intends to make the most of...

“Okay, okay...” Erik says, gently pushing Charles away. “You're right- it's not fair at all”.

After another slight nudge Charles moves away and then his face pops up from underneath the duvet, his cheeks flushed pink from the mild exertion. Though it's clear Charles is ready for another wrestling match he settles down lying on his side on the mattress, his head propped up on one folded arm as he raises his eyebrows expectantly- clearly curious to see what Erik is going to do next. Of course, when Erik reaches down and pulls his sweatshirt over his head in one swift motion, the way Charles' eyes immediately begin to widen suggests that the last thing Charles expected was for Erik to begin to remove his clothing so readily; a perhaps understandable assumption, given their history. But those days are behind Erik now, like so many things, and when Erik said he didn't want to keep anything from Charles anymore he truly meant it.

Charles remains completely silent as Erik quickly removes every item of clothing, until there is nothing but air separating them as they lie there beneath the sheets, close but not touching. Erik can feel the heat of Charles’ body and he so badly wants to pull him closer, but there is still a small amount of reservation borne from the fact that Charles still hasn't said those words Erik longs to hear- hasn't asked Erik for anything at all, in fact. Desire and deep longing stir a feeling of arousal in Erik's groin as his eyes trail slowly over the parts of Charles he can see, his cock already achingly hard from the barest contact they've had so far, and though Erik knows he will never be as intuitive as Charles is he feels like he knows what Charles is thinking, because the way he is looking at Erik is like a mirror.

When Charles’ hand rises up Erik remembers all the times he shied away from it, shuts those memories down as Charles’ palm presses flat against Erik's chest, over his heart, and Erik leans into it. There are scars here too, like everywhere else, but Erik does not tremble as the pads of Charles’ fingers draw gently over broken flesh, his touch soft and reverent. Eventually Charles looks up at Erik's face, his eyes communicating some unspoken question, and when Erik's head inclines in a slight nod it's immediate the way Charles instantly moves closer, pressing his lips to Erik's chest in a solemn kiss.

“Liebling...” Erik murmurs quietly, sliding both hands into Charles’ hair, trailing his fingertips slowly down the back of Charles’ neck and along his spine, prompting the most delicious shiver that runs through Charles' body. A moment after Charles moves closer, climbing on top of Erik fully so their bodies are touching _everywhere_ as Charles settles down, and though it is near perfect Erik can't help but remember how things were before as he notices an evident change.

“ _Mein Gott_ , you're not as light as you used to be...” Erik groans.

Instantly Charles lets out an aghast noise as he sits up so he is straddling Erik's waist, and Erik can't help but grin widely in response to the outraged look on Charles’ face, even as it quickly softens into something resembling amusement.

“Too much for you am I, darling?” Charles asks, shifting his weight heavily on top of Erik- a form of punishment Erik rather favours given it provides him with ample opportunity to admire Charles’ hard cock as it bobs from side-to-side. Charles' display lasts for a further few seconds, aided by Erik as he reaches down to grasp two generous handfuls of Charles’ glorious arse, but then Charles comes to a stop as he leans over Erik, their faces inches apart.

“Kiss me...” Charles whispers.

Commands have come all too often in Erik's life- harsh words that demand obedience with no room for negotiation- but with Charles it has never been like that. From the very beginning Charles has never taken, has never used his considerable power to control and manipulate Erik, has only ever guided and coaxed him, allowing Erik the freedom to make his own decisions. It has taken a long time, perhaps too long in many respects, but finally Erik knows he is in a place where he is able to listen, where he can see a request as exactly that and nothing more, where he can trust and love Charles with his whole heart- exactly how a person should be loved.

Though the kiss has clearly been anticipated by both parties for far too long, it still takes some time to manifest. To begin with Erik simply holds Charles’ face, caressing his jawline with gentle fingertips, gazing at the beauty of Charles before lifting his head to press his lips softly to each of Charles' eyelids as they flicker shut. Charles moans quietly as Erik kisses his face, breathless in anticipation, and when Erik finally moves to gently brush his mouth against Charles' lips that same moan becomes a whisper, becomes words that speak directly to Erik's heart and resound in his mind as their lips touch at last: _“I love you, Erik...”_

Now that Erik is permitted to kiss and touch Charles once more he finds that he cannot stop doing so. He smooths his hands all over Charles' body as they kiss, groaning himself as Charles squirms during the embrace, rubbing himself against Erik's torso. Charles' cock is flushed and just begging for attention and so Erik grasps it, wrapping his hand around the shaft and swiping his thumb over the sensitive head, but as soon as he has done so Charles immediately sucks in an unsteady breath, reaching down to seize Erik's wrist.

“Ah! Be careful...” Charles begs. “I haven't come in weeks so it's really not going to take very much to set me off”.

Erik smiles up at Charles. “So you're saying I should be especially gentle with you, hmm Liebling? Perhaps in that case I shouldn't mention how gorgeous you look right now, and how much I'm aching to have my cock inside you at long last...”

Charles shivers, eyes sliding shut.

“Yes- that...” Charles whispers breathlessly. “You should probably keep things like that to yourself”.

“Alright... Maybe we should just take things slow then?”

With those words Erik removes his hands from Charles’ cock and transfers them to rest chastely on his waist, at the same time tilting his head upwards in expectation of a kiss that is wilfully given. The kiss signals the start of a unhurried progression, or the attempt of such- an achingly slow embrace that has soon has Charles and Erik lying side-by-side on the bed, limbs entwined but sensitive body parts kept a reasonable distance apart as they continue to kiss. Eventually Erik takes cues from Charles' ardent noises and slides one hand down the curve of Charles' spine, tracing the line in-between his buttocks with lubed fingers as he buries his face in Charles' neck, sucking small marks into Charles’ skin. And when Charles murmurs that he is ready Erik slides his fingers inside, feeling warm pre-come smear across his stomach courtesy of Charles’ cock as his whole body shudders, seeming like it is going to give out but fortunately remaining composed overall.

Erik preps Charles slowly and leisurely, deriving pleasure from every hushed noise Charles makes, from the way his hands firmly grip Erik's shoulders, fingernails occasionally leaving small indents in Erik's skin. When Erik is satisfied that Charles is ready he rolls Charles onto his back and takes up position in-between his spread legs, and for a moment Erik remains there- gazing at Charles in abject appreciation. But then Charles smiles and lifts one hand to gently squeeze Erik's chin, his expression fondly amused as he whispers: “Enough teasing, darling- just fuck me already...”, and though Erik knows he once thought of himself as someone unwilling to take instruction from anyone he knows that he would give anything to Charles, do anything to keep him happy, for as long as they are together.

Together is how they remain as Erik lines up his cock and pushes it inside, as Charles lets out a litany of heady murmuring as he grips Erik's waist firmly with both hands. The line of Charles' brow draws together before Erik leans over and presses his mouth there, smoothing out the tension, trailing lust-stupid kisses all over Charles' gorgeous face as he thrusts inside him, slowly and thoroughly.

From the way Charles has seemed so unbelievably aroused so far Erik already knew that it wouldn't take long for him to reach climax, but what he never suspected was that it would come solely as a result of being fucked by Erik rather than direct stimulation. Wonderfully, stunningly, that's what happens though. Erik rolls his hips in a steady rhythm, listening to the increasingly frantic sounds Charles is making, and then the most unexpected and beautifully broken sound leaves Charles’ lips as he shudders through his orgasm, his untouched cock spurting hot come over his stomach as Erik can only watch, transfixed. Then there are more surprises as the strength of Charles’ climax hits Erik like a freight train, pleasure battering his senses as Charles’ telepathy allows Erik to absorb the feeling, to let it prompt his toes into curling as he drives his cock deeper into Charles' arse and comes, collapsing ungracefully down on top of Charles.

Erik knows he should be mortified, but his limbs feel so weak and shaky that he cannot seem to move them, meaning he is able to do little more than lie there on top of Charles, feeling the warmth of him beneath. Evidently Charles doesn't mind one bit though, because he simply wraps his arms around Erik's back and turns his face to press a fond kiss to Erik's forehead, and in the moments afterwards the joyous sound of Charles' gentle laughter fills the room as he whispers: “I hope this godforsaken weather never ends...”

 

When the first signal of winter's demise comes it does so in the form of the ice melting, causing a continuous dripping sound that rouses Erik from sleep. His eyes blearily crack open to regard the ceiling and the bright sunlight of early afternoon that is spread across it, and slowly he realises that this is the first time in longer than he can remember when he has spent most of the day in bed. Of course, as Erik slowly drops his gaze to regard the gorgeous man currently curled up next to him, he finds he is willing to condone his own idleness, just this once.

Charles is lying at Erik's side, sprawled unselfconsciously over Erik's torso, his cheek resting against Erik’s chest and his arm wrapped comfortably around Erik’s waist. In his sleeping state Charles is beautiful, as he has always been, his relaxed face making him seem even younger than his twenty-three years and reminding Erik very fondly of the Charles he knew during the summer they first met. Erik knows his own appearance has probably not fared so favourably with the passage of time, he can tell as much when he draws his thumb slowly along the line of Charles' jaw and sees the contrast there- scarred knuckles and the feint lines of newly formed wrinkles against skin that is smooth and soft and wonderfully freckled. But as Charles stirs and gently murmurs and opens his eyes the look of pure adoration on his face as he gazes at Erik soon sets aside any superficial concerns.

“Morning...” Charles mumbles, his voice blurry with sleep.

“Afternoon, actually... We've spent most of the day in bed”.

“How absolutely marvellous”, Charles replies, pausing as he succumbs to a loud yawn. “Let's aim for the whole day, shall we?”

Erik smiles, wrapping his arms around Charles' body and giving him a firm squeeze. Though Erik knows he would normally frown at such inactivity, he supposes on this occasion he can understand Charles’ need for a substantial amount of rest. The signs of Charles’ earlier exertion are evident in the flushed red colour of his lips that are still sensitive from kissing, in the small marks on his thighs made by Erik holding on as Charles was riding him during their second encounter, in the considerably sullied appearance of the sheets they are lying in now they have been ruined by sweat and come. And that was all after Charles first spent a considerable amount of time with his head buried in-between Erik's legs, sucking his cock leisurely and intensively, until Erik was practically begging Charles to stop because he didn’t want to come before they'd had the chance to fuck again.

“I suppose you have had a very tiring morning...” Erik says eventually, pressing a fond kiss to the bridge of Charles' nose. “Maybe we can rest a bit longer. After all, I have nothing else to do today”.

“What about tomorrow?”

Erik chuckles softly. “You want to stay in bed all day tomorrow too?”

“Um, no... I mean yes actually- that would be lovely, but… But we can't stay here forever, can we? And I was just wondering if you'd given any thought as to what you wanted to do next?”

The change in Charles’ tone is very apparent- he no longer sounds dazed and half-asleep but completely alert, as if the subject matter they are both discussing is one that is very important to him. Erik can feel it too in the way Charles’ body has tensed against his own, and he can only hope that the shift isn't a precursor to something unfavourable.

“To be honest, Charles- I hadn't really considered my future plans...” Erik replies slowly. “The only future I've ever thought about having is one with you”.

Charles' hand smooths across Erik's bare chest followed by the kiss Charles turns his head to place.

“Okay... Good. It's just... I've thought about returning to England”.

“England?” Erik asks, grip tightening where he is holding Charles around the waist, almost as if he fears Charles slipping from his grasp.

“Mm-hmm... It's like I said before- I think I need to study more, do additional research, get my PhD behind me before I start looking into the whole school idea. England seems like a good place to do all that. Even though I was really reluctant to be there at first it was actually a really positive experience, plus Raven's always wanted to go so I'm sure I can persuade her to come with me, or to at least visit”.

“I see...”

The feeling of panic that rises within Erik is not sharp and immediate, like the threats Erik is most accustomed to, it is something small and creeping, slowly taking over Erik's senses as he imagines being apart from Charles, not seeing him everyday, their interaction being compromised solely of phone calls that get less frequent all the time, that become bitter arguments as they each grow to resent the distance between themselves. In Erik's mind Charles is slipping away even whilst Erik holds him in his arms, and though Erik knows he has lived though some unimaginable things in his life he doesn't think he can survive losing Charles for a second time.

“Of course we don't have to stay in the actual university accommodation...” Charles continues. “We could get a nice flat somewhere nearby- there's some lovely little properties just by the River Thames”.

“It sounds like you've got everything figured out...” Erik says- hope failing, heart giving out. “I'm sure you and Raven will be very happy there”.

That feeling of stress manifests in Charles again, his body tensing in Erik’s arms. Perhaps Charles expected a fight, perhaps he wanted Erik to challenge him and Erik has failed the test somehow by giving in, but even if that's the case Erik knows he would rather withdraw from the battle and the pain, and protect himself from the things that could shatter him completely. But before Erik can give in to the misery entirely Charles suddenly shifts, propping himself up on one elbow as he turns to stare at Erik.

“Erik... You don't think...”

For a long moment Charles stares at Erik, as if he is searching for something, and then suddenly he bolts upright, prompting Erik to sit up too as he meets Charles’ impenetrable gaze.

“Erik- you bloody idiot! When I said ‘we' I was talking about _us_ , not Raven and I. I want you to come with me, you foolish, wonderful man”.

“You do?” Erik asks, looking at Charles in disbelief.

“Of course I do, darling. Quite frankly I'm not interested in going unless you’re willing to come with me... That's why I was so nervous about bringing it up. This is really important to me, but not as important as you are so if you don't want to go we don't have to”.

For a short while Erik can only stare at Charles, feeling the warmth of Charles’ emotions wash over him courtesy of Charles’ telepathy, perceiving the strength of Charles’ convictions. It's clear that this is something Charles feels very strongly about, so to know he would be willing to forget all about it in order to keep Erik is just about the most incredible gift Erik could ever hope to receive. Of course Erik knows he could never do that to Charles, because everything Charles has ever given to Erik is the kind of debt Erik knows he could never hope to repay, though he's willing to try.

“Liebling, I'd love to come to England with you. I think we could be very happy there”.

It’s so rewarding to see Charles’ face immediately transform into an expression of joy; such warmth and light and elation that Charles deserves to feel for all of his days. Instantly Charles scurries forward, climbing on top of Erik once more, and Erik can't help but laugh in sheer joy as Charles starts to press a flurry of kisses to Erik's face as Erik lies there, not even attempting to stop the onslaught.

“You know, just because we're moving to England it doesn't mean I'm suddenly going to start liking beans on toast or bangers and mash or any of those other _verdammt_ awful things you tried to get me to eat...” Erik grins.

“Oh, piffle. You just need to learn to embrace the Englishness, you grumpy German”.

“Well, maybe I'll just embrace a few English aspects...” Erik replies, taking hold of Charles’ cock and giving it a firm grope that he intends to be teasing rather than incendiary. Regardless, even after such a minor amount of contact Charles’ member immediately starts to harden, and Erik can't help but lie back against the pillows and gaze up at Charles in disbelief.

“Charles, I think you're going to have to give me a minute here... Not all of us have your youthful libido”.

“Pity...” Charles replies with a grin. “Don’t worry though, darling- I'm happy to help should you need a little encouragement. We can't just sit around and wait for these things to happen you know. After all- we have so much lost time to make up for”.

Charles’ words are intended to be playful but Erik can't help but see the truth in them, because it really does seem like they've wasted so much time- time they could have spent together. But nevertheless there is something reassuring in the certainty they share now- like they know they have the entire rest of their lives ahead of them, and there is nothing capable of keeping them apart any longer.

“I love you, Charles...” Erik murmurs, gazing at him ardently.

Charles smiles softly, his hair falling across his forehead as he reaches down to gently cup Erik's face.

“I know, darling... But thank you for saying it. I love you too”.

Erik knows that by the time either of them comes up for air on this occasion the snow outside will most likely have melted, at least considerably if not entirely, but for the first time Erik no longer fears the improving weather and how it might mean Charles will be leaving. Because Erik is going with him, Erik finally has somewhere he belongs, and therefore he can allow the advent of spring to be something hopeful- just the first of many seasons in their new life together.


End file.
